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13 June 2015

Posts #1136-1140: 23-24 May 2000

Post #1136, by Foppy King

After attempting to comprehend what the heck is going on, the Foppy King was drivin to insanity.
Finnaly, Foppy King spontaniosly combusted.
There's an emoticon I can't see called nuke.gif, just to give you the extra flavor there.

Foppy King just drops by once every hundred posts or so to bitch that nobody cares about him. Nothing different here.

I'm surprised at how many of the kiddies think it's spelled "finnaly." 

Post #1137, by Falcon24

Falcon, still getting acquainted with his new friends, was not accustomed to being around other human beings. "I think I'll take a walk you guys. I'll catch up with you later." He knew he had some things to ponder.
He just got done going out of his way to join himself to the SixSeven Friends, so I assume he's not immediately absconding. Though it would amuse me if he was. More likely there's angsting incoming.
Falcon strolled casually through the thicket of trees, whistling a light and jaunty air. He suddenly realized that this was perhaps the first moment of true peace he's had since his arrival on the island. "Some vacation...I get controlled by evil beings, summon a great evil, then I get killed and brought back to life somehow...and NOW I finally relax."
Well, you seemed to be enjoying yourself at the time. So much so that anytime anyone else tried to interfere with what you were doing, you strenuously objected.
Relaxing was never really Falcon24's thing. One man's relaxing is another man's boring.
His thoughts then turned to his new companions. Of course he had known them from his daily chat sessions online in #earthbound, and his routine scanning of the forums...but what did he really know about them?
This is kind of funny when you consider that he spent most of his Gathering time heretofore trying to murder the very people he'd spent daily chat sessions with in #earthbound. Well, murder or enslave them. No point killing everyone; then who's left to worship you and do your bidding? 
"Well, they DID rescue me, and take me to a hospital, so they have to be nice people..." It occurred to Falcon that throughout his life he had rarely seen any true displays of kindness such as he had witnessed here. Perhaps not all people were bad people...and perhaps Falcon was too defensive for his own good.
It would be so awesome if guruzeth or diospadre showed up in their next post to present Falcon24 with a bill for their services."What, you thought we were just doing it to be nice?"
The notion of Falcon24 being defensive is funny. Yeah, yeah, psychoanalysis he's such an asshole because of his insecurities and he's actually very defensive about himself blah blah. Falcon24 was and is all offense, all the time. This is not a guy who plays defense.
"All I know is that this island was supposed to be a nice vacation, and now it's turned into the center of a struggle for the future of the human race...way too much pressure for a bunch of teens trying to vacation.
He says that like it's a huge surprise. And also as though he himself wasn't the one who decided partying was for kiddies and what this thread needed was everyone fighting crossover villains.
Falcon decided that he'd do just that -- vacation, let other people worry about this Lavos thing. He looked at his watch.

"Wow, time sure does fly! I've been walking around here an hour or more. I'd better find the others." He searched for the closest way out of the forest. When he did eventually exit the thicket, he found he was in front of a small al fresco diner. He saw guru, Tracy, Poo, Chris, and Juliana sharing a Picnic Lunch at one of the tables, while dios was arguing with a gas station attendant just next to the diner who had scratched his Ford Explorer while filling the tank. He ran over to join them.
Falcon24 was from New Jersey (try not to act too surprised), where until very recently it was actually illegal to fill your own gas tank; it was the last U.S. state where a gas station employee filled your tank for you (and you were expected to tip). You also see that diospadre's love affair with his Ford Explorer was not just something guruzeth made up. Yes, I know it's just a f***ing Ford Explorer, but just having your own vehicle is a very big deal when you're 16. It instantly made diospadre cooler than everyone else. And he was not at all above reminding everyone of it.

Post #1138, by guruzeth

"OOPS?! I'LL SHOW YOU OOPS!" diospadre said right before slugging the gas station attendant, which set off a brawl. Falcon, guru and the gang ran over to break it up, with the attendant bloodied and diospadre fuming. "YOU TOUCH MY CAR AGAIN AND I'll KILL YOU! KILL YOU!"
I can appreciate running a good joke into the ground as much as the next guy, but that's a tad bit far. Unlike other parties I could name, diospadre wasn't a hot tempered guy.
If he WAS hot tempered, having his AC do this would be accurate--but it would also make the actual diospadre blow a gasket about somebody making his AC do something without his prior approval. Sometimes you can't win with IF. (If guruzeth wanted somebody assaulting the gas station attendant, he should have done it himself.)
"Whoa, dios!" guru said. "Calm down man, it's just a scratch."

"Twenty years for murder isn't worth the scratch..." said Poo. diospadre continued kicking and struggling, so the other six in the group dragged him back to the picnic table at which they were eating and set him down there.

"Such a... beautiful day!" said Juliana, trying to add cheerfulness to the situation. dios said nothing.

"I hope it stays that way," said Tracy as they settled down and dios cooled off a little. "Can't we even relax for a flippin day?"
Well, you're not doing much of a job of it so far. I like the meta here--guruzeth's complaining that they can't relax, while he himself is introducing plot elements that prevent them from relaxing. It's almost like he's just a dumbass.
They did manage to relax for a few hours. After finishing their meal, they decided to go wandering around the town to see what they could see. Unfortunately, as the evening dragged on, they were in a small shop when two police officers strode in. "Which one of you is diospadre?"

"He is!" dios pointed at Chris.

"What?! No, he is!" said Chris, and the others rolled their eyes and confirmed who the real dios was.
OK, that made me chuckle. I admit it. 
It would have been supremely funny had guruzeth actually followed through with sending Chris to the clink for nothing.
"I'm afraid you're under arrest for simple assault," said one of the officers as they turned him around and slapped on the handcuffs. "You'll have to come down to the station."
That's, uh, not exactly how these things work--what the hell cop would say "simple assault"?--but cut the kid some slack here, he was 17. At least he did leave it open for diospadre to follow up and decide what to do about it. Doesn't forgive the sin of forcing his AC to commit a crime, but it's something.

Post #1139, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy
He opened this post by quoting Pikachu3164's last post in its entirety, which is an atrocity in IF and now widely regarded as a bannable offense.
Mew found where Poryhedron's dead body was. It was quickly fading away from the magnet. Mew grabbed it and used PSI Teleport to teleport to Winters.
--At Dr. Andonut's lab--
A warp hole opened, and Mew, with Poryhedron's body, came out.
"Hey!" said the Doc. "It's a Mew!"
[Poryhedron!] shouted Pikachu.
[It's too late,] said Mew. [He died of overexposure to magnets. He's losing polygons as we speak. I'll throw him into the computer. He'll be reenergized and he'll find his way to someone's computer, but he'll never be able, or want to, come back.]
Mew did as he said.
Pikachu was in a crying fit.
Hahahahaha. Oh SS/MB, you never cease to amaze. I can't wait to see how 3164 is going to take this. I'm like 92% sure SS/MB is just trying to be friendly here.
[There, there,] said Mew. [We all think life isn't fair, but we gotta deal with it. I should know. Team Rocket gave me so many gifts, but when Jamie Chan told me they were going to use me for evil, I was so angry and dissapointed. Dissapointed because they were pampering me, but I was no tool for evil. I bet you know why I was angry.]
Pikachu nodded.
[Then stop crying!] said Mew. [Ya gettin' your fur all wet, and you'll hurt yourself with your electric attacks!]
Talk about Jeckle & Hyde! thought Pikachu.
[Remember, Pikachu,] said Mew as he landed and walked upstairs, [I'm a Psychic Pokémon, so I can read your thoughts. I know what you think of me.] As he walked upstairs, his tail waved in an odd style.
Pikachu snapped his fingers, and then wiped his eyes. Then he said, to Dr. Andonuts, [So how about that antidote?!]
And now we return to our regularly scheduled EarthBound IF'ing. This post is a good example of why the pokémon kiddies were so widely loathed at starmen.net. SS/MB is harmless, but whereas 3164 has at least intermittently tried to post some EarthBound content, SS/MB has posted none at all. His posts are invariably all pokémon, all the time.

Post #1140, by PSIOsman

The four Lavos Spawn were growing steadily, as they fed off the energy of anything that accidentally got too close. Osman, Siris, TsuramiSea, and Alan followed at a safe distance, waiting for some sign of weakness.
These kids will never run out of new ways to make their opponents seem invincible. Invincible right up until my AC rips out the Super Ultra Deluxe Totally Kickass Final Attack of Doom and kills them dead, and then has his way with all the women. No, of course your AC isn't strong and cool enough to do that.
The Spawn crept through the city in a straight line, as though toward one goal. The Spawn then left the city and started into a forest. They cut a wide swath through the trees, leaving blackened husks behind.

The group trailing the Spawn stared at the remains of the Lavos Spawn's feeding with growing apprehension. Though the Spawn moved slowly, they crawled any obstacle as if it didn't exist.

They soon saw a clearing ahead. That meant... The Spawn were heading for another populated area...
"Through a forest and into a populated area" means the kiddies aren't giving up on hounding guruzeth just yet. Hilarity is doubtless going to ensue.

1 comment:

  1. Holy crap, just thought about this for the first time in forever—we're putting the finishing touches on Fangamer's first EarthBound convention, plus I see you on BTF's basketball thread—and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was still being updated. Delightful.

    - Dan (LiarXAgerate)


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