Posts #1161-1165: 25 May 2000

Post #1161, by loid

"Well I think your the one who has another thing coming." said evil manimani evily
"Yeah, sure."
"I'd like you to meet my new assistant, ArcRandite, come on down!"
Kiyo floated through the air, but he wasn't kiyo anymore, he was Randite.
"Hello Tim, in this land of eternal darkness, night never stops! I'm going to enjoy watching you suffer Tim"

Think what you want, but I think this is hilarious, and it's going to be super ultra double hilarious when we get to watch Liyoshi get huffy about it.

---

Post #1162, by Traceh

Tracy stood there for a moment after thinking for a while. Then she turned to Poo and Chris with a strange look on her face.

Yes, that is probably the correct response to guruzeth's antics and Falcon24 and PSI322's responses to them.

"Well Im really glad we arent fighting, I was never going to in the first place if it means anything, I just wanted to not get separated from any of you," Tracy said, glancing out the window of the station. She saw Falcon push the door open and stride in. "Where have our other friends gone?" she asked him.

Poor Traceh's like "wtf are we arguing about? Can't we just chill out and get along? In an IF?"

"Well...." he hesitated, "I saw guruzeth sitting at a table across the street."

"Okay then guys," said Tracy. "Will you try to work on selling that bat? Ill be back as soon as I can, hopefully not too long."

Tracy picked up her bag and slung it across her shoulder, walking hastily out the front door and breathed a sigh of releif, none too sad about leaving the police station. She looked around, first left, the across the street only to find nothing. She was wondering where Juliana had went to when she caught a flash out of the corner of her eye, a figure dissapearing into the woods.

"guru!" she called. "guruzeth, where are you going to?" He didnt seem to hear her, he looked as if he held pent up anger or worry, so she decided to follow at a safe distance and wait for the right time to aproach him.

I don't know if it was on purpose, but this is actually a nice callback to Traceh and guruzeth's first meeting, back at the Hotel Where It All Began.

After walking a distance much longer then she originally expected, she noticed him up ahead. He had stopped and was staring off in to the distance as if he saw something but wasnt ready to explore. She took her chance and called to him and he turned around slowly to face her.

"What are you doing here?" he asked in disbelief. He gave her a blank look that she couldnt read, so she didnt jump to any conclusions.

That is to say, Traceh saying to guruzeth OOC through the vehicle of IC writing: I still have no idea what the hell you've been flipping out about, dude. Are you okay? What's wrong with you?

"I was about to ask the same thing to you, guru. Where are you going? I mean...well....are you just going to leave? After all that we have been through on this island, to leave it all behind... Well, I guess I understand. If you want to be on your own, let me know now so I can go back to tell the others and stay with them, I guess." Tracy looked up and saw the clearing up ahead, but turned away and waited. It was starting to get late.

Again, in other words, Traceh's like, dude, I invested a lot of time into writing a plotline with you, and now we've been joined by a bunch of other people, and now you're going to throw a hissy fit and stomp out just like that? Really? 

She was kind of fond of the guy, for some reason, but she would have been so much better off just letting him go off to pout in the corner by himself and move along with Poo and Falcon24 and diospadre. 

[This message has been edited by Traceh (edited 05-25-2000).]

---

Post #1163, by guruzeth

guruzeth stood straight, gazing sharply into the distance. He turned briefly toward Tracy, who was looking in another direction, then back toward the clearing, and then finally he turned his body around. "I'm sorry," he said after a slight hesitation. "I left without much explanation. My past extends far beyond the point at which you found me... I used to be a fighter. I fought against just about every villain you can imagine... but it wore me out. You'd be surprised how disheartening a life fighting enemies that can never really be defeated is."

LOL. You probably don't know why I'm laughing, but it's because I oh so distinctly remember guruzeth's endless IF Wars against Tengu Man. That is what he's referring to. What he's saying, quite clearly and directly to his mind, is "f--- all this saving the world violence bulls---, there are 14 other IF threads to do that in, I'm out."  

The thing is, Traceh is an IF newbie and therefore doesn't know any of that--ditto for Falcon24 and diospadre. Those three are really dumbfounded; from their perspective guruzeth completely out of nowhere started throwing a temper tantrum, and they're like 'WTF?'

"I never knew that..." said Tracy.

"I vowed some time ago to never fight again unless it was necessary to protect my life," guru continued. "Besides, it's just stupid what they're doing! They're not gonna get dios out of jail by beating up the cops!"

Putting dios in jail was your idea, genius!

"Yeah, I know," said Tracy. "Hey, have you seen Juliana? I can't find her anywhere..."

guruzeth raised an eyebrow. "She was at the station..."

"She disappeared," said Tracy. "I didn't see her leave, it was sometime after you did. It's getting late..."

"She must be in the town somewhere, probably the hotel," said guru. "But I'd feel a lot better if I knew for sure. Let's go find her, and see if the others are in the slammer yet."

guruzeth is of course following along behind PSI322, who left him with basically no other option. He's also, kind of cleverly, offering Falcon24 one last chance to write a nonviolent conclusion to the whole jail thing, which of course Falcon24 will never accept, but at least guruzeth can say he offered.

Tracy laughed a little at that. "Yeah, let's get outa here before it gets dark." They hurried back out of the jungle and made for the hotel, where they hoped they would find Juliana at this late hour. What happened to the others?

Repeating the invitation for Falcon24 and/or diospadre to yield the point.

---

Post #1164, by Falcon24

Falcon strode down the hall of the station, heading for the Police Chief's office. He was about to barge in when he stopped in his tracks. "What am I doing!? This is SO stupid...I guess I'll just try to reason with the Chief." He walked politely into Chief Strong's office. "Hello, I am Falcon..I was wondering what the posted bail on diospadre is?"

Falcon24... backing down?

Chief Strong scratched his chin. "Well, the bail is set around $240,000, I'm afraid."

Falcon's eyes bugged out. "What!? That's crazy!"

Chief Strong laughed. "Look where you are, boy! EVERYTHING is overpriced in Eagleland!" He began to laugh insanely.

"Wait, can't I bargain with you? I mean, it's only an assault charge, nothing THAT serious..."

Strong's eyes turned cold. "I'm afraid that's not possible. Unless...you're willing to speak with a few of Onett's finest." At these words two officers stepped forward, seemingly out of nowhere. They grabbed Falcon by the arms.

"Hey!" Falcon shouted. "What the heck do you think you're doing!? I didn't do anything wrong!"

Strong simply stroked his mustache. "We'll be holding you on counts of disturbing the peace...you interrupted me while I was playing EarthBound, and I almost beat it!" Falcon attempted to pull away from the officers. He didn't want to hurt them, but he felt he had no choice. He thrust his foot backwards into one of the officer's kneecaps, and attempted to pull away from the other.

Ha ha ha. That's so delightfully fiendish a way of showing guruzeth the finger. "I TRIED to solve this without violence, but they jumped me! I couldn't!"

The first officer grabbed his knee in pain, and as Falcon struggled to get free of the second, the first pulled Falcon's bat from its holster and bashed him over the head with it. He fell to the ground, out cold.

"Uhhh...where am I?" Falcon, at last regaining his senses, found himself on the cold concrete floor of a prison cell. He looked up to see dios sitting on a bunk near him.

"Hey Falcon. What happened?" dios inquired.

Falcon coughed. "Crooked Cops.." He muttered.

Ohhhh, this is wonderful. Falcon24 was a very sharp lad--did you see how he threaded that needle? He managed to yield the point to guruzeth AND stick his tongue out at him while he was doing it, and via a tactic so unheard-of in IF that it's diabolically clever to employ it here: an AC losing a fight! (Actually, this is the third time Falcon24 has lost a fight in the Gathering, which I believe is three more than everyone else combined.) Now guruzeth more or less has to accept a negotiated truce rather than claiming victory. I declare Falcon24 the winner of this little spat, for what little it matters. 

Of course, on the only scoreboard that matters guruzeth is the victor: the girls, you have noticed, are following him. I think they'd have been better off following Falcon24, though.

---

Post #1165, by diospadre

Well, I guess we're stuck here for a while" diospadre mumbled. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's 6:30. You've been in here for about nine minutes. Still holding out alright?" Falcon asked.

LOL. Oh, diospadre, I wish you'd posted a lot more in the Gathering than you did.

"I don't know, I think I'm beginning to become claustrophobic." diospadre replied, just as an officer brought over a phone. "You two got a call," he said.

"Hey guys, It's me, Chris. Guess what!" Chris exclaimed. "Poo and I sold the bat! We got two hundred bucks!"

"Well, youre only about 498 thousand dollars short," Fsalcon replied dejectedly. The bail is way to high for us. Why don't you two try to buy back the bat. We'll get out on our own. See you on the outside."

It's doubling me over with laughter how excited diospadre is making Chris sound about the two hundred bucks. I wonder if anyone involved remembers that, thanks to Chris's great fantasy date excursion, he and Juliana are carrying a pile of high end equipment, not just a single bat. Then again, Juliana is currently AWOL.

"okay, dios, see you then." *Click!*

"Well what's your plan?" Falcon asked.

"Well it all depends on wheteher my suspicions are correct. But I'll be able to get out of the cell pretty easily." dios concentrated, and the wavering beam of light extended from his arm again.

"Petty impressive," Falcon said. "That look familiar, did you pick it up from somewhere?"

"Yeah, it's basically a copy of the Soul Reaver from that Legacy of Kain game for the PSX and DreamCast. I'm not really sure where how I got it, though, It just kind of appeared on my arm a few years ago." With that, dios took two swipes at the bars, which easily gave way. dios and Falcon ran out of the cell and towards the exit of the station.

I'm sorely disappointed diospadre has resorted to giving himself crossover superpowers just like everyone else. But I can at least respect that he thumbs his nose at the practice while he's doing it. Like I said once before, diospadre is basically Major Asshole, only better.

"Wait, dios, there's something we gotta do first."

********************************************

"Lieutenant, go check on those inmates. I'm going to take a little break." Captain Strong sat down on his chair to play a little EarthBound. He reached down to the system, only to realize the copy of the game was missing. He saw a shadow move past his window. He ran over to it, and saw dios and Falcon running from the station, tossing the game back and forth between them and giggling like schoolgirls. He leaned out and shouted "HEY YOU GUYS!!!" After realizing he had done everything in his power, he sat down and went to sleep.

And thus diospadre and Falcon24 have concluded the jail bit mostly violence-free, as a comedic interlude, exactly the way they would have had guruzeth just kept his mouth shut and said nothing. He did not give diospadre nearly enough credit for his capacity to reliably bring the funny. 

Posts #1146-1150: 24-25 May 2000

Post #1146, by SirMontyG

...Deep darkness monkey!

See, I like Major Asshole because he'll always go with the funny option when you give him a chance.

"KIIIKIKIIIKIKIKI!!" (why are you guys trying to hit me!)

"Oh, sorry about that, little dude." appologized Sir "We thought you were an enemy.."

"Ki.KI?"(Oh, it must be because of that Sun Dome I had cast on myself. It's a spell that grants the user great speed, hightened reflexes, and a kickin tan. See?)

"Quite a phenominal power. How did you come across this encantment?" inquired Anthadd

"Kikkkiiikiki" (you would be suprised on the kinds of people that wind up here. I even heard that one monkey learned to teleport!)

"Cool..so any chance we could get a hold of this power?"

"Kikikikikikikikikikiiiiiiiiikikikikikkkkikikikikki" (Sure. Just page me.) and the monkey gave the two his pager number, for just such an emergency...

I love pretty much everything in this post. A Make Yourself Cooler spell, known by a monkey who carries a pager. And there are even hints that Major Asshole played EarthBound, as previously discussed. That's why I like this guy. I hope he keeps providing comedic relief as the Gathering goes further and further into Serious Business.

---

Post #1147, by Anthadd

"Sir, why would a monkey carry a pager around with him?"
"I have no idea."

A waterproof pager, at that. And probably also shock proof, with the Zap Eels around. These are some space age monkeys we're talking about here.

Anthadd pocketed the number, thinking it would be smart to save for future usage, yet flabbergasted as to a monkey being in possession of a pager.
"Let's just hope we can reach the settlement soon, Sir." They continued on their way.

You can tell Anthadd doesn't quite know what to make of Major Asshole, but any company is preferable to no company so he's trying to hang in there.  

The last three posts (Anthadd-Major Asshole-Anthadd) took place over the course of about 40 minutes.

---

Post #1148, by Chris

After a few moments of stunned silence as dios was led away by the police, Chris spoke up.

"Come on, everyone, we've got go see what we can do to help."

"But what can we do? We don't have any money." guruzeth replied.

You're a bunch of ACs--the ACs who sit atop the Syndicate, no less--and we're really supposed to believe your hands are tied because you don't have money? Yeah, sure, pal. We just believe the hell out of that.

The group was then puzzled again, trying to decide what they could do for their friend. Then, Falcon spoke up.

"Wait a sec. Everyone remembers the first part of Earthbound, right? After Giant Step, Ness gets in trouble and goes to the police station, but gets out because he beats the officers in a fight. What if we do the same thing?"

Points to Chris for identifying Falcon24 as the most appropriate person to raise the option of solving the problem with brute force and violence. IRL guruzeth would do the same, but in-story he's a fanatical pacifist, so even Chris could tell that wasn't an option.

"One problem. We can't fight. We don't have the strength or experience." Tracy replied.

"Well, I've got my PSI, but it didn't work last time." Juliana added.

The periods at the end of quotations that should be commas are really tilting me here.

"Look, let's go down to the police station and see what we'll do from there." EBPoo said, and started for the door. The rest of the group followed, and they soon found themselves outside the police station.

You'll notice how Chris made space in this post for exactly one spoken line by each of the SixFive Friends. This is a pretty reasonable post. Not much happens, but it does move the plot forward ever so much, and he worked everyone in his unusually large group into it.

---

Post #1149, by diospadre

dios was led through the small Onett police station. As he passed one of the cells he heard somebody say someting about a phish, to which he responded with a scowl. The offending inmate quickly retreated beneath his bed. The officer tossed dios into the cell.

I have no idea what the phish thing is about. Presumably a long lost in-joke.

"man, I've gotta calm down. I can get the car fixed, and its not the attendant's fault he's a crazy nut. I think from now on I'll be a bit more easygoing." Just then, dios heard the voice of an officer.

This is diospadre's way of raising a middle finger to guruzeth. It's very, very mild compared to the way most of the IF veterans would respond to far less meddling with their AC than guruzeth perpetrated. But bear in mind diospadre had never posted on the IF forum before the Gathering, and never would again after it.

"Hey padre! You've got visitors." dios was led to the visiting room. He saw Falcon on the other side of the glass. "Hey dios, how are ya doing?"

A random cop wouldn't know better, but no one who knew diospadre would ever call him 'padre'. It was always 'dios'. Nice flavor there.

"Not bad, I guess. I've only been in there for 19 seconds and I'm already bored out of your mind. Are you guys gonna get me out of here?" dios queried.

"Why don't you just post bail?"

"Well, I can't and I'd tell you why but I'm too lazy to make up a reason." he replied.

I love diospadre's blase and genuinely funny way of expressing how stupid he thinks this whole thing is. He really knew how to work the passive aggression.

"Ok thats cool. Anyway, we're all gonna fight the police officers or something like that to get you out, like in EarthBound. Kinda strange though, seeing as our group is pro-pacifism." Falcon explained.

LOL, he just keeps it coming. What I really like here is diospadre has actually taken the trouble to read the posts of everyone in his group, and is gleefully pointing out the things that make no sense (such as Chris's last post and the fact, which diospadre instantly realizes, that guruzeth is not going to like it).

"Yeah, everybody except you, Mr. 'I just came back to life'," dios joked.

"Heh, yes I do like to fight a bit. Well anyway i gotta go to prepare," Falcon put his fist up to the glass.

"Theres no time for window love!" dios chuckled. "I've almost done half a minute in here! I don't know how much longer I can hold out!"

"Haha, ok. Good luck in there. and don't have an 'accident'." Falcon said with a smirk as he left.

The guard led dios back to his cell, where he was left to his thoughts. "Well, I hope they can help me. I don't really know their abilities, though. Better prepare just in case. I haven't used this since I lost my memory, I hope it still works." dios concentrated, and slowly a wavering blue beam of light extended from his forearm. He grinned as he retracted it once again.

It never hurts to remind everyone "hey, I'm an AC you know, so get this ship moving or I'm going to do my AC thing on my own." Which highlights what's so very wrong and assholish with what guruzeth did: it's not cool to sequester someone else's AC away from the action. diospadre is being very, very patient and good humored about it, by IF standards. 

Plus: what the hell, guruzeth? Of all the writers you could have stuck in a cell where they can't do anything interesting, you chose diospadre? Really? 

---

Post #1150, by Little Yoshi

I speculated at the end of Liyoshi's unusually brief last post that Chris may have kicked him off the computer. That post went up at 5:17 PM, then Chris posted at 7:33. So most likely they were interrupted by the call to dinner. This post went up the morning of 25 May, at 6:43 AM. It's short by his standards too, presumably because he had to go to school.

Evil Mani Mani was doing better then Tim this time. "Why?" Tim thought to himself, but decided it was because there were no rules here..."wait, no rules?! That means others can hlep us too? But I can't call others...but HE CAN!"

Tim hadn't realized what was happening, and looked around himself. 6 Randites had gotten him into a pincer battle. Tim, not knowing these thing's power, kept his attention on Evil Mani Mani.

Finally, after taking dozens of heavt blows from behind, Tim lept to his left, and had them all facing his face, or so he thought. 3 more Randites had appeared behind Tim. They attacked, knocking Tim over. 2 more Randites apeared. 11 Randites and 1 Evil Mani Mani vs. 1 Tim was not the fairest match you can imagine. Tim leapt to his feet, and Cycloned all of them. Each one of them asorbed the energy and shot it back at Tim for double.Tim used Lifeup Gamma, and 4 more Randites joined the battle.

Finally, Evil Mani Mani struck the deciding blow, diamondizing Tim. Three Randites picked up Tim's unconsious body, and took it to a Ranidte prison, located Northeast of Toto.

Holy s---, something actually happened in a Liyoshi post!  

By now, no one who's been in the Gathering for any length of time is going to attempt to rescue Tim, because they know exactly what's coming if they make the mistake of going anywhere near a Liyoshi plotline. Unless someone new and naive jumps in, I give Liyoshi about a day's worth of waiting before he gives up and returns to his usual self-pleasuring.

Posts #1121-1125: 22 May 2000

Post #1121, by Chris

Most everyone was sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting to find out what had become of their mysterious friend.

You have to admire how accepting the newly minted Seven Friends are. Some random dude, who for all they know is just some wino that wandered into the woods, gets run over by their car and instantly they assume he's their friend. D'aww.

Chris had gone out to get a few sodas for the group, but everyone else was seated silently in chairs, awaiting news. A few people were reading, others were staring at the the wall.

The silence of the hospital was broken by Chris's return. He had a few drinks in his arm, as well as a bag of chips for anyone that was hungry.

"Any news?" he asked despondently.

"Nothing." guruzeth replied.

He doesn't even know Falcon24 in-story, so we can only assume he's despondent because he knows he won't be getting any further attention from Juliana. Even proving he knows what 'despondent' means and how to spell it isn't helping.

Chris joined the crew in chairs, and picked up a magazine to read. He flipped to an article titled "How to Make the Most of Your Eagleland Vacation." He read for a few minutes, then put it down, deciding that he didn't want to think about the adventures here, now that someone had almost (indeed, had) died as a result of the "adventures." While he sat there contemplating this, he began to doze off, and soon was sleeping in his chair in the waiting room.

Yeah, we're all certain this is the absolute truth, and his sudden lack of interest in "adventures" has nothing at all to do with the fact he can't solo with Juliana anymore.

You'll notice this was another medium-sized post in which nothing happens; we're in a holding pattern here because the writers involved are understandably leery of deciding what happens to Falcon24's AC.

---

Post #1122, by diospadre

diospadre was't able to sit in the lobby any longer. He hated hospitals, the thought of dead bodies made him noxious. He decided he would go clean his car out, after all there were 5 muddy kids in there a little while ago.

Won't there be 6 muddy kids in there in the near future, though?

dios turned on the cd player in the car and began scrubbing away at the dirt. Then he came to the bug he had spit out earlier. An idea suddenly struck him. "guruzeth said these were healing bugs. I bet this could help our new friend."

The grand prize goes to diospadre for being the first to remember that Traceh has a jar full of healing bugs! Let's give him a hand.

Seriously, you have to hand it to him for being the one guy in this whole thread that actually has been reading at least the posts of the people he's plotlining with.

dios grabbed the dead bug from his expectorate and ran into the hospital. He quietly snuck into the room where the unconcious boy lay, and put the bug in his mouth. He then poired some water into his throat to make him drink. Suddenly the boy was lifted from the bed, surrounded by a strange green aura, opposed to the blue one he and guruzeth had experienced earlier.

Further proving he actually read Traceh's posts from quite a while ago; he knew what color guruzeth glowed when he was experiencing Deus Ex Machina.

Suddenly a doctor and diospadre's friends rushed into the room. "What's happening!?" the doctor yelled.

"Nothing much, doctor, I swear! I was just shoving a giant beetle down this unconscious kid's throat and pouring water down... I mean... hey, wait! LET ME GO!"

---

Post #1123, by Little Yoshi

Tim did a Leap Slash over the Lavos Spawns, and struck the machine. It made a noise, and then exploded into pieces. The ice barrier fell, and Tim without thinking casted an Ice spell on everything. The shells all retaliated, and Tim was not undamaged after being hit by 8 Needle attacks. He scrambled to his feet, and chopped off their heads one by one. Then, he hadn't been noticing where he was going, he bumped into something hard. It was Evil Mani Mani, again.
"Let's go," Evil Mani Mani said, teleporting them to an icolated(sp?) arena.

Liyoshi, alone still proudly doing exactly what he was doing almost a thousand posts ago. Everyone else, not alone, still proudly not giving a s---.

[This message has been edited by Little Yoshi (edited 05-22-2000).]

---

Post #1124, by Traceh

Tracy looked up from the magazine she was reading. She had never been that fond of hospitals, especially the part about blood. Ugh...blood. *cringe*. Her eyes wandered and she noticed diospadre get out of his seat, a look of disgust on his face, and walk out. She stood up and wispered "I'll be right back, mmmkay?" and started on her search to find a drinking fountain.

Whispered to who, and why is she whispering? Is it supposed to be a secret that she's gone?

About half way down the hall she spotted one, and made a bee-line towards it. After exaughsting her stomach's capacity for water, she wiped her mouth with her sleeve and was about to head back to the others when she heard a noise a few rooms down.

Peaking around the corner she saw a strange green light eminating from a room a ways down the hall. Being as quiet as possible she tip-toed down the hall and glanced into the room where there an unexpected sight met her eyes. There he was, the stranger they had pulled out of the rain, glowing a greenish light. To his left was a smug looking dios and a verry frightened looking doctor.

She's not diospadre nailed, no doubt of that. Though I doubt the doctor would look frightened. Instead he'd be saying some Latin words and explaining that it's perfectly normal given his symptoms and course of treatment that he is levitating and glowing like Slimer.

Tracy ran into the room and tugged on diospadre's sleeve. "dios..what have you done? What's happening to him? And how the heck are we supposed to explain this little predicament to the doctors...let alone the creepy people the doctors work for!?"

Wow, she hit the nail on the head about hospital administrators. That's especially impressive given it was 13 years ago. You ain't seen nothin' yet, Tracy...

By then the others had noticed the light and were at the door, along with a few curious onlookers who were no help at all. She ran down the hall, grabbed her bag, and wrapped the purple egg-filled bottle in a sweater and shoved it to the bottom of the bag where it would hopefully be safe. She slung the bag up over her shoulder and ran back to the room.

So far the Seven Friends are doing an admirable job making interesting things happen while avoiding, as they must, deciding what happens with Falcon24's AC.

[This message has been edited by Traceh (edited 05-22-2000).]

---

Post #1125, by Pikachu3164

Pikachu started to get impatient.

Well damn, I never would have imagined that could happen.

It was almost dawn, and he wqanted to get back to the hotel. [Ah, I don't want to wait another minute! I just want to get back to the hotel!]

So, Pikachu used Teleport Omega and arrived at the Eageland Hotel. There, he saw a bunch of Lavos Spawn.

[Oh for crying out loud! When do I get to take a vacation!]

Pikachu ran up to the Lavos Spawn and created a Light Screen. Then, he immobolized them with a Thunder Wave. Then he used Swift, Thunder, and other various moves in an effort to get rid of them quickly.

You have to imagine he called it merely an 'effort' because he knew it was doomed. It's odd the way some of these kids never seemed to have even considered that it's Interactive Fiction and so they do have some power over what their ACs do, and could forcibly take a vacation if they really wanted to. That, or violence was truly what made them happy, whatever they may say. That's the story of human civilization in a nutshell right there.

Posts #1112-1115: 21 May 2000

Post #1112, by EBPoo

[Well, Part 3 met the same fate as the other parts (it got messed up), so here's Part 4. By the way, Part 3 has been added to the archive, so go there if you need to read the latest]
Sadly, we didn't get to see the Forum Mini-Ghost make an actual post this time.

Thread 4 is the last full thread in the Gathering. Thread 5 is only about a page and a half (70-ish posts) long, and that's it! We're actually rounding the final turn and driving for home, boys and girls!

"Quick! Wheel him into the emergency room!" commanded a doctor. So, while doctors and nurses were busy with the strange figure they had picked up, Poo, Juliana, Chris, diospadre, guruzeth, and Tracy waited in the waiting room. "I KNOW I've seen that person somewhere before," Poo said to the others.

Granting that everything up to and including trees are people too, Falcon24 is less of a 'person' per se and more of a giant bird-thing, if I recall. Or maybe he morphed into a human when he fell unconscious onto diospadre's windshield, I don't know.

"I know. I think I've seen him from somewhere too," commented guruzeth. Finally, the light went off and the doctor came out. "The patient is doing fine. He's recovering gradually. But, the weird thing is, his molecular structure seems to be affected by a strange circumstance."

"English, Doc?" said Chris.

"Well, it's almost as if he died and then came back to life," said the doctor.

"Uh...?" said the group bewilderedly.

Look, I don't know how death and resurrection changes your molecular structure either, but it's fantastic fiction, just roll with it. 

By the way, Traceh has healing bugs in a jar. Why did they take Falcon24 to a hospital? Even stranger since the hospital thing was Traceh's idea. It would at least be understandable if, say, PSI322 took the party to the hospital because she wasn't aware Traceh had healing bugs. Maybe the bottle is labeled FOR GURUZETH'S USE ONLY, I don't know.

[This message has been edited by EBPoo (edited 05-21-2000).]

---

Post #1113, by Pikachu3164

((Part 4. Yikes. That's a lot of posts...))

I know, right? One thousand one hundred and twelve of them, to be exact.

((Oh, and we don't know what the final melodies sound like, Ton. Just use your imagination.))

And that is the only response t0nberry22 will ever get.

**********
[Well, if you put it that way, I think I'll super-attack him and leave, kay? Kay.]

Maybe t0nberry22's generous offer will be taken by some parties as a good mechanism to get away from Lavos, who has now become boring.

So Pikachu used his super secret attack that I've hinted at about twice, Earth Alpha, his reward for collecting the 10 melodies. It did quite a bit of damage, but he had no PP left anymore, so he had to leave. [Okay. Bye bye.] Pikachu jumped through the portal, and ended up just outside Lavos.

[Yeah! Vacation! Finally! Woo hoo! Let's see here... Eagleland Resort should be west of here, so I should go... That way.]

Pikachu walked out of Saturn Valley and came across the Yoshi. [Or, I can wait for my friends in here!]

The Yoshi is Liyoshi's invincible ship, isn't it? I'm a bit confused about this, but no way in hell am I reading any Liyoshi posts to figure it out.

---

Post #1114, by diospadre

(WARNING! WARNING! A plost hole the siz of a mack truck is about to be fixed up! The events of this flashback take place dierectly after my last post, where the group jumped into my explorer.)

I honestly don't know what plot hole he's referring to, so it can't be that large.

As diospadre sat with the others in the hospital, he recalled the events which gave him back his life. He rewinded his mind to the fateful question guruzeth had asked him back in the car: Who was he?

"Well, my name is diospadre, and I *was* the manager of that beautiful ho-" he was cut off by the stunned looks of the carload of people. "What..? Is there something in my teeth?"

"I was right!" guruzeth exclaimed. "You are dios! But aren't you...dead? Your little brother emailed reidman months ago saying you were lost at sea..."

Ohhhh. The plot hole diospadre is referring to is the fact that the Five Friends immediately acted like they'd always known who diospadre was. diospadre was expecting more of a "wait, who are you?" and a big reveal, and the Five Friends disappointed him. He's doing it retroactively anyway, like a Game Master who wrote out five pages of NPC backstory, only for the PCs to immediately kill the NPC as soon as they meet him. The GM will always find a way to work that backstory in somewhere, sooner or later. And so does diospadre.

"Well, that would explain something. You see, three months ago I woke up in a hospital in Toto. I had no memory of anything. Do I know you from before?" dios asked.

Traceh pulled the small bottle from her bag. Sure enough, a few of the eggs had hatched. She took one of the tiny blue bugs and held it up to dios. "Yes you do know us, but I think you should eat one of these. I think it will help you regain your memory."

Right, the magic healing bugs Traceh carries around. Even diospadre remembered them.

"Eat...a...bug? But I'm a businessman! I'm not going to do that!" dios proudly stated.

"You're not a businessman, dios, you're a high-schooler. And I also remember seeing you in a bellhop's uniform only yesterday." guruzeth replied.

"Well, okay. If I remember, then I'll do it. " dios took the bug from Tracy and popped it into his mouth. After gagging and spitting it out, he took another one from her and succesfully forced it down.

Everything suddenly came rushing back to him. His family. Chicago. His house. EarthBound. Starmen.net. Then the Spring Break Cruise. This was the hardest thing to remember, and was being replayed in his mind like a movie.

diospadre remembered the day he won the ticket to go on the cruise. It was a political fantasy cruise, with all the top lawmakers and enforcers (and yes, the interpreters) of the country. He could picture the shade of green guruzeth had to be wearing when he was informed of his luck.

diospadre and guruzeth were both planning careers in law and politics at that time, you see. diospadre is now a lawyer, and guruzeth is writing annotations no one reads about a thread on the internet twelve years ago. You do the math.

The cruise didn't turn out so great, though. While playing shuffleboard with Al Gore, the two became embroiled in a heated deabte. As dios won both the debate and the game, Gore smacked dios on the back of the head with the little shuffleboard stick, who proceeded to fall overboard, unconcious. And now he was here, driving around a carload of kids he didn't even know, on an island that...was EARTHBOUND!?

Now it was guruzeth's turn to do a little explaining. First he told dios of the origins of the island, then he introduced himself and the group. dios once again felt whole, but for how long?

If you don't think that was the most awesome backstory you have ever read, get the hell out of my site.

---

Post #1115, by loid

(AHHHHH! Part 4?!! I've said it before and I'll say it agian, this IF is cursed. And thanks for de-paralyzing me pikachu13825whatever)

It's not cursed, it's just very, very long. (That's what he said.)

"You just don't get it. Do you?" said Randite to Ton
"What do you mean Kiyo?" asked T0n

"There, you still think I'm Kiyo, don't you? I'm not. I'm Randite, I'm not going to listen to anybody, tell me who or what to be, not trying to be like anybody, tired of playing make-belive."
"Cool!" said Ton. "That ryhmes! You got a poem thing like team rocket now!"
"Still dont get it huh? Take this!"
(ZAP)
"OW! OWWWWW!"
Ton tried to cast everyone's grudge but since alot of people here were glad that Randite beat the Lavos Exterior it didn't have much effect.
"We'll meet agian Ki- I mean Randite!" Ton jumped through the portal and left, Randite jumped in after him.

I'm sad because I expect so much more from a loid post, and he's been letting me down lately. :(

[This message has been edited by loid (edited 05-22-2000).]

Posts #1096-1100: 21 May 2000

Post #1096, by PSI322

As the little group hurried across rough terrain, passing through what appeared to be a forest, they attempted to remain alert, despite their grogginess. "I'm confused. Explain it to me again, guruzeth," Juliana said sleepily, her eyes still only half-open.

Yes, guruzeth. Please explain to me your f---ing stupid plan again, because I am confused as to why I'm doing something this stupid.

"We're fleeing the spawn of Lavos," guruzeth said, being as patient as possible. "They were attacking Carrillon Beach, and some fighters wanted to enlist us to help them."

Damn, it's so f---ing noble of him to be so patient with our confusion. (Yes, I'm letting PSI322 speak for all of us here.)

Juliana yawned and started to trip over a large rock. guruzeth grabbed her arm just in time and helped her around it.

guruzeth and grabbing girls by the arm is getting to be a Thing here. Are we sure he's not a villain?

"Thanks," Juliana murmured. "I guess I'm still pretty sleepy. I have PSI, you know. I bet I could've used that." She paused for a moment to concentrate. "Watch this. PSI Comet Alpha!"

While fleeing for your life from some kind of alien hellspawn, wasting your PP just proving you can use PSI is not a smart play. I'm afraid guruzeth's Stupid Disease may be spreading here.

With all her might, Juliana attempted to demonstrate her psychic ability by attacking the tree that stood before them.

Nothing happened.

"What? I don't have it anymore?" Juliana and the others stopped moving on. "I don't understand."

I can give PSI322 a golf clap for trying to introduce something resembling dramatic tension here with the PSI322 has lost her psychic powers! thing. It doesn't work, since we all know perfectly well her psychic powers will return exactly when she actually needs them to kick some monster's ass, but she's trying.

"Don't worry about it now," guruzeth said, trying to sound reassuring. "We've got to get moving before those creatures break through!"

Traceh did it first and now PSI322 is continuing with the I feel safe with guruzeth! theme. But if he's such a fearless leader, why, again, are you jogging through the woods late at night with your backs turned to danger? I guess he can be depended on to let you know when it's time to turn tail and run like hell. So there's that.

---

Post #1097, by Pikachu3164

*tap tap*

"What, the?" Something was tapping Kiyo's leg. Using one giant burst of strength, he managed to look down. There stood the Lavos Spawn that had been following him around earlier, until they were seperated at the Fire Springs. "Hey! It's, Ba, by, La, vos! Can, you, help, me?"

Baby Lavos stared at him, then went to get something. He came back, and gave Kiyo a berry, which healed him of his paralysis.

"Wow! I can finally move again! Thanks! Hey... Wanna go help me beat up Big Lavos?"

Once again, the baby stared for a few seconds, then nodded.

I can't really understand why a baby Lavos Spawn would want to kill its progenitor. There are some weird genetics going on in that alien race.

Together, Baby Lavos and Kiyo ran through the Saturn Valley caves and into Lavos' mouth.

"Hey everyone! I decided to help! Whoa! He's a lot bigger than he looks in the game!"

3164, late to the party and just hoping with all his heart that he's not too late. I do like how he rushes into a fight for the fate of the universe and still takes the time to say 'sup?' to everyone before jumping in. That is one cool cat. Rat. Whatever.

---

Post #1098, by PSIOsman

(Okay, I'm back. Al, I think you're a bit mixed up there. Our party consists of Osman, Alan, Siris, and Tsurami).

If SaturnAl f---ed up on who's in his AC's party, I honestly didn't notice.

"Darn it! It looks like we're on our own now!"

This appears to be PSIOsman's only reaction to guruzeth telling his teammates to piss off. PSIOsman probably wasn't wild about the idea of teaming up with team guruzeth anyway, as he is the generally acknowledged leader of this crew and would lose any such distinction in the transaction.

At about that moment, screams erupted from the beach. One of the Lavos Spawn had broken away from the battle and was heading toward the crowds of people on the beach. The other three began to follow.

"NO! We can't let them get to the city! They'll destroy everything!" yelled Siris in alarm. The four ran at the Lavos Spawn.

I'm not actually going to ask the whiny question of why the Lavos Spawn want to kill everyone and destroy everything, because that's in character for all things Lavos. He does it for the evulz.

"Remember, attack the head!" yelled Osman, remembering the times that he had played through Chrono Trigger.

In Chrono Trigger, Lavos Spawns come in two parts, shell and head. Attacking the shell accomplishes nothing except a very painful counterattack rammed down your throat. So now you know.

Since the Lavos Spawn moved so slowly, they caught up with them easily as they crawled onto the road in front of the beach. Osman jumped in front of a Spawn and slashed at the head of it with his Scimitar. The Spawn gave a cry and then silenced, not moving. Siris caught up with another one, fired a Beam spell right into its eye. Alan slashed another, and Tsurami hit the last one with his mallet. Osman, Siris, Tsurami, and Alan stared at each other in confusion. It wasn't supposed to be this easy.

Sure it was! You're ACs! That's exactly how it's supposed to work, as long as you're not Liyoshi.

Tsurami turned to the Spawn that he had defeated.

"Uhhh... Guys?" he stammered.

They all turned to the Spawn. The shells of all of them were turning dark, almost black. The head of each started to emit a bright red light. When the light faded, the head of each Spawn had gained something that looked like a beautiful crystalline exoskeleton...

Then they restarted their slow, but sure drive towards the city.

Siris concentrated on his magical ability. He thought on the essence of Electricity. He ran forward and fired a massive bolt of lightning at the lead Spawn. It did... Nothing. The exoskeleton just absorbed the attack. Each Spawn then turned and started glowing.

"Oh, no! Obstacle! Get out of the--" Osman started, too late. The huge wave of energy rolled over the four. Osman became poisoned, and his muscles weakened tremendously. He dropped to the ground, the color of his face changing to a deep purple. Tsurami was frozen in place, on one foot with both hands held out in front of his face. Alan became possessed with an uncontrollable laughter, unable to do anything. And Siris was slowed down so much, he was barely moving.

I don't believe Lavos Spawns have an inflict-random-status-ailments attack. Obstacle inflicts confusion ("Chaos" in Chrono Trigger parlance). I'm pretty sure the humanoid part of the Lavos Core is the only monster in the game that can inflict random status ailments. By doing the YMCA.

And the Lavos Spawn entered Summers...

[This message has been edited by Lavos (edited 05-21-17000 BCE).]

He thought that was clever, you see. It was really PSIOsman editing his post more than once. Boy, I bet you feel foolish now!

[This message has been edited by PSIOsman (edited 05-21-2000).]

---

Post #1099, by diospadre

I'm giddy for this one. diospadre posts always bring it.

As guruzeth and his group quickly made their way through the forest they became more and more fatigued. Poo was in the front of the group, leading the way. He took a step without watching where he was going and fell face first onto the moist ground, his foot caught by a vine.

He picked Poo to pick on because EBPoo is the one of the Five Friends diospadre was on the friendliest terms with.

This caused a chain reaction, and everybody behind him tumbled to the ground. As Poo looked up, he saw a small brown animal that resembled a porcupine. It was unmistakeable, a miniature Lavos. They were already here. Thankfully, this one was only the size of a small dog. He brushed it away, and the group ran on.

One would presume killing it would be a much better idea, right? But that would violate the Five Friends' pacifist conduct.

Suddenly they all began hearing a low hum. guruzeth spotted a spawn, then Tracy did. Out of nowhere almost twenty of them in ranging sizes had surrounded the group. There was no way the friends could get past Lavos's offspring. Then came the most disheartening of blows. Off in the distance they saw the two glowing yellow eyes, which were rapidly coming closer. It wasn't a tiny spawn, either, it was bigger than all of the teens put together. Before they knew it it was upon them, screeching to a halt. They all shut their eyes and braced themselves.

This would be an example of a good time for PSI322 to remember how to cast PSI Asskicking, and the others to do something AC-like. But no, the Five Friends are going to hold true to their ideals and die pacifists. Handsome men and beautiful women will sing songs about their noble determination for millennia to come.

"GET IN!" diospadre yelled. "The hotel's been destroyed! We need to get out of here!"

Or, there's that. They could do that. diospadre with the Big Damn Hero save and now they can resume running the hell away!

Juliana and her friends thanked the Heavens. The eyes didn't belong to a Lavos spawn after all. They were the headlights of the Hotel manager's Ford Explorer. The group crammed themselves into the car, just as the spawn jumped to attack. But it was too late, diospadre had already floored it and was yards away.

That was actually really good, the way he described the unmistakable "yellow eyes" and then revealed them to be his Explorer's headlights. You have to admit that was an expert play. Some of the best writing of the Gathering, is what you just read.

"Thank you for saving us...." guruzeth paused. "I'm sorry, I don't think we know your name. Who are you?"

It's awkward and weird that diospadre chose to end his post at the point at which his own AC is expected to introduce himself. Now one of the Five Friends has to pick it up with "I'm diospadre you moron" and then move on with the plot.

[This message has been edited by diospadre (edited 05-21-2000).]

[This message has been edited by diospadre (edited 05-21-2000).]

---

Post #1100, by Falcon24

It's been a long time since I've seen a bona fide Falcon24 post. I had to go back and refresh my memory: his last post was #1023, wherein he was dead, then thought maybe pogopunk could bring him back to life. pogopunk never responded to that, and I gather that Falcon24's had enough of waiting around for him. This should be interesting.

guruzeth and the others quickly fled the scene of the Lavos spawn in the Ford Explorer that diospadre was driving. As they crashed through the underbrush, finding themselves deeper in the forest, it seemed to all is if they had become lost. However, with a fortunate stroke of luck, diospadre found the road again. In the distance, the sounds of battle could be heard.

Yeah, yeah, the Five (Six?) Friends drive for a while, there's a fight going on, we get it.

"We'd best get away from here as soon as possible, -- What's that!?" Poo shouted. diospadre looked up to see a shadowed figure slowly trudging across the road. He quickly slammed on the brakes, but none to soon, as the Explorer made contact with the figure.

Falcon24 was still young (16, I think) at this point and still playing with turns of phrase and figuring out how to use them "None to (sic) soon" is out of place here, as he tried to be fancier than "not soon enough" and failed. But this is a larval stage every young writer goes through, so let's not begrudge him for it.

You can make fun of him for misspelling 'too', though, if you want.

The creature made an attempt to dodge the vehicle, but to no avail. It smacked straight into the grill, toppled across the windshield, and then fell off the hood of the car. Juliana made a mortified gasp.

Again, he tried to move 'gasped in horror' to a higher pay grade and didn't quite get there. But he's trying.

Falcon slid off the hood of the car and fell to the ground with a sickening thud.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.

I like this for a couple reasons:

1. It's tense. There's actual drama here, and I mean that in a good way.

2. He's correctly identified where the focal point of the action in this story is right now (team guruzeth is doing new things, whereas the kiddie klub is doing basically the same thing they've been doing for 600 posts) and latching onto it.

3. He's challenging guruzeth for supremacy in Horribly Injured Points, which as far as he can tell are apparently redeemable for female attention.

Posts #1036-1040: 16-17 May 2000

Post #1036, by diospadre

"Sure, I know a few places to eat around here. Well I know 2. THat's really all we have here. Pretty ironic, seeing as this town is a resort." diospadre liked the group before him.

diospadre always had hilariously low-key ways of pointing out the absurdity in EarthBound. Well, actually, he could do it more overtly too, such as his legendary quote "the girl can create fire for god's sake, and they're trapped by a locked door."

They all seemed likable, and yet oddly familiar. "I got the ins at the Stoic Club, so you could go there."

Can't be too familiar if you're describing guruzeth or Chris as 'likable'.

"I prefer real food over rocks and water," guru bluntly stated.

Good man.

"Ok, well then you can dine at the Restuaraunt Summers."
"Man, this trip is really taking its toll on my wallet," the stingy guruzeth stated.
"No problem, it's on me," dios replied as he tossed a wad of bills onto the floor.
"Hey, thanks!" said Juliana as she began to leave with the others.

LOL. This is what a man clearly enjoying being an AC looks like. Well, a man who is actually entertaining enjoying being an AC. I'm sure Liyoshi is enjoying the hell out of his AC experience, but that's at our expenses. 

And look at the results, too: he's got guruzeth on the receiving end of his casual generosity. Chris should be taking notes on how to do that right.

"No problemo. Adios, mis amigos."
As guruzeth heard the manager's parting words, he stopped dead in his tracks. Could it be?

You see, the pigeon Spanish was supposed to be diospadre's signature style. So obviously guruzeth is supposed to recognize it. (Apparently no one else in the group is supposed to, though. I don't know.)

---

Post #1037, by SirMontyG

"Well, no use in gawking at it. Harrrah!" Sir yelled as he swung at the newly dimonized feind. *smmmaasCRACK!*

What the hell? This post guest written by loid?

"MY BAT!!!!!" Sir cried in pain "It just split in two!"
"Whoa, calm down, Sir.."

Anthadd sounds like Marcie there.

*grrrrrr..*
"You vile, miserable, mangy mutt! You've ruined my prised possesion! My personal weapon!! My louiesville slugger..You shall PAY!"

Prized. Possession. Louisville. And there really needs to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing the use of more than one exclamation point at a time under any circumstances.

Sir pulled a huge right cross, followed by a stunner, followed by a german suplex, followed by a hard knee, followed by a roundhouse, followed by a cross right uppercut straight to the chin. Diamond Dog was seriously knocked for a loop.
"Ouch..Them razor sharp edges smart.."

Yeah, in reality if he weren't an AC he would have dismembered himself attempting those stunts on a dog made out of sharp jagged diamond.

This battle really needs to end. Yesterday.

---

Post #1038, by t0nberry22

(Guys, what's the big idea? You completely forgot about me and Dark Ton!!!! Geez, I wish people would quit doin' that...)
(Ok, so now I'm in the Lavos Crater with DT, and you're in Tim's boat. Are you gonna help me or not?)

Yes, I just discussed this the other day. People are actually responding in the correct way to someone or something unwelcome being forced into their plotline: by ignoring it. Were t0nberry22 good at IF he would recognize this means no one is interested in Dark Ton and would follow their lead in forgetting his existence. Or if he's allergic to dangling threads, killing him off or putting him on a bus in one paragraph right now. There's no shame in admitting it wasn't a good idea and moving on, before it makes things even worse for you.

---

Post #1039, by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy

(I might not be online as often, on account I can now go online only at school. It's a punishment, but it may not last too musch longer. Just until Saturday or Monday or Tuesday.)

One of those days that end in -day, he's almost certain.

Cute of him to post the public service announcement about his whereabouts, as if one soul in this thread gave a damn.

Shock Bird then crowed and said [I gotta go. My wife laid eggs and today's my day to incubate 'em! I'll come back when I know of a task that I sence Poryhedron can't handle.] Then, in his best imperonation of Bill Nye, the Science Guy, said [See ya!]
Shock Bird left.

So SS/MB plans to switch his ACs in and out like a tag team, depending on the circumstances (such as how bored he is at a given time). It violates the letter of the law, but actually not necessarily the spirit. The one AC per writer rule (AKA the Tengu Man Rule) was instituted to prevent a single writer from using numerous ACs to accomplish one or both of (a) influencing every plotline in the thread, and (b) dominating a particular plotline by sheer numbers. (Both of these were Tengu Man Specials.)

But if you have merely a rotating cast of ACs such that you, the writer, are only on one plotline with one AC at a time, there's no problem with that. I don't think there's any reason to prevent SS/MB from amusing himself so. He's extremely harmless.

"Well, Pikachu," said Poryhedron, "I bet you can count on me to come with you to Winters!"
[I guess,] said Pikachu.
"Oh, I made you a treat!" said Poryhedron, pulling out the Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar. "I went online and found instructions on making homeade Peanut Cheese Bars. Using that, I made you this Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar!"
Pikachu grabbed it and ate it.
[DELICIOUS!] yelled Pikachu.
" Glad you liked it!" said Poryhedron.

Endearing himself to 3164: it worked before, surely it will work again. 

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome SS/MB back to the thread. His childish rambling is exhilarating after a few hundred posts of Serious Business (not to mention Liyoshi).

[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-17-2000).]

---

Post #1040, by TsuramiSea

I'm curious to see whether Tsurami's finally going to get around to doing anything besides wandering around semi-aimlessly and declaring that gosh, he sure hopes to meet someone. Let's read!

A cargo barge pulled into a port in Toto. The shipmen began to unload the vegetables on board. TsuramiSea knew that he had to be very careful about getting out.

Oh, right. I just remembered he performed a pretty near physically impossible stowaway stunt, last time he posted. That was a while ago.

He slipped between crates, fortunately it was only a few men unloading the ship. Soon TsuramiSea got out of the cargo room and ducked-and-covered behind various structures on the ship until he snuck off of the gangplank and ran off into Toto. He had successfully stowawayed to Summers! He felt rather exhilirated, but decided against making a habit of doing things like it.

It's amusing the way he handled this with phrases like 'behind various structures on the ship' to disguise the fact that he knows nothing about ships at all besides what he's seen in a few movies. It works because neither would any of his readers, if he had readers, which he doesn't. His potential readers, let's say, in the interests of being polite.

Tsurami looked around him. This is definitely Toto, he thought. "Okay, great, I'm here! Now all I have to do is find these friends of mine, that is, if they're still here."

So I guess that 'doing something' won't be happening in this post, then.

TsuramiSea began to head off to Summers. As he walked, he thought about how the hint man had said that Lavos was in Fourside. But, he had been in that city, almost all over it, and hadn't seen Lavos. Either he was being less observant than usual, or the hint man had been mistaken.

That is pretty funny imagery: usually I'm pretty observant, but I just happened by chance to walk all through Fourside and fail to find a giant malevolent space hedgehog.

TsuramiSea wasn't sure what to think. But he didn't worry himself about it at the moment. He just wanted to find more SM.Netters and see what they were like. A small, secret part of TsuramiSea hoped they'd be people he could talk to without feeling alienated. He entered the entrance to the great resort town. Great.... now I just need to search this WHOLE town for these people.... was his thought before walking off into the large groups of buildings in the buisness area of Summers.

It bears repeating that TsuramiSea was not subtle in his writing. He's remarkably explicit about the major need-for-acceptance issues he has. I actually think he was smart enough to know Tengu Man was kind of a creep, but emotionally he just had to be accepted by somebody. It's the exact recipe for Instant Tenguling: Just Add Attention.

Posts #1026-1030: 16 May 2000

Post #1026, by Mog116

(We're on Tim's boat, murkkie.)

That's all the clarification poor lazy murkkie is going to get. It's still more than I would have given him.

Mog almost laughed his stomach up when he got up. (It's the Morning, Kay?) he passed Loid's (Are you still Randite?) room-thingy on the boat, thenfell into the water. Mog swam, with much trouble, back to the boat. Then he remembered something. He pulledout a small romote control, then pressed the big button. There was a loud beeping noise, then Mog followed the noise, then tripped over something. He looked down, then saw his duffel bag. [Cool. He kept it.]Mog thought hard, then his duffel bag was teleported back to his house. [Well, that's finished. I wonder what to...] Just then, there was a thud, then a loud scream. [What the...]

(Someone finish this. I'm to lazy.)

I'm not sure what purpose that last line serves, other than to make everyone like Mog116 even less than they already do. The preceding paragraph basically constitutes a complete post by Moggot standards. It's hard to read, it accomplishes nothing, and even after several scholarly read-throughs it makes no sense. What does the duffel bag have to do with anything? Who cares that Mog fell into the water if nothing happens there? It's impossible to care about this post even if you try really hard to. 

---

Post #1027, by Pikachu3164

It wasn't really day time - Mog was just seeing things.

It appears 3164 is just about done dealing with Moggot's random crap.

What he heard was Pikachu jumping on Randite and letting loose a Thunderbolt. You see, Pikachu wasn't really a gullible little rat. When he heard Randite talk about gullibility, he knew Randite was on the loose.

The 'gullible little rat' thing came from loid's last post. I think we officially have a minor spat between loid and 3164, my friends!

[You thought I'd fall for that? Yor the gullible one... WHERE IS MY SOUND STONE!]

Randite was paniced. How could this rat know that I was lying? "I told you! It's with Lavos!"

Pikachu was outraged.

I don't think he strictly means IC, either. This is shaping up to be quite a hissy fit post by 3164 standards. He's as mad as hell and he's not going to take this anymore!

He was so close to completeing the original Sound Stone with melodies... His hopes of ever defeating Lavos and going on a vacation were basically desroyed. [I'm gonna make you pay, Randite!] Pikachu let loose the strongest Thunder Wave he had ever let loose. Randite was instantly paralyzed.

"Ouchies... I can't move!"

[This message has been edited by Pikachu3164 (edited 05-17-2000).]

Give 3164 credit for this: at least he didn't swear never to come back and stomp out of the thread in a huff, like certain other parties I could name were prone to do.

---

Post #1028, by diospadre

"Yes sir! Thank you very much!" dios exuberantly thanked the hotel owner. He was no longer a bellhop. He was now an assistant manager at the hotel, with an enormous pay increase, and lots of perks.

Such a thing is too absurd to approach realism; yet it probably doesn't crack the top 100 absurd things that have happened in the Gathering. This is why I love IF.

dios congratulated himself.

Like guruzeth, diospadre was fairly fanatical about insisting you do not capitalize his handle.

He looked back at how far he came. Three months ago, he was a nobody. He didn't even know who he was back then. He had woken up in a hospital; the doctors told him he was found on the beach. dios could only remember one thing of his past. The name "diospadre." He didn't even know his real name, let alone where he was from or what his past life was like. He proved to be very self sufficient, though. He quickly obtained a job at the town's resort and became friends with many of the town's wealthy inhabitants, even the distant Stoic Club members. He found he had a knack for making money, and was very well-off, despite the fact that he was a bell hop. Now he was managing a hotel, at his age.

I took up managing a hotel in my late 20s and that seemed to have been considered remarkable. So yeah, doing so at 18 if your parents aren't the owners would be very impressive indeed.

It was funny, he didn't even know his age. He figured he was around 17 or 18, though. He greatly enjoyed his life, but he still had the feeling that there was something more to him. This was the only thing that troubled him. Through all of his acclomplishments, he still felt he was meant to be more.
diospadre's attention was diverted by the group of teens enter the lobby. He smirked as he realized that he wouldn't have to work as their bellhop, or anybody elses', ever again.

It seems that since diospadre missed the party, and also because he always had a flair for being different (and not in the typical teenage "I'm just as unique as everyone else" sense), he decided screw this arriving by plane crap, I'm giving myself mysterious origins instead. And he actually made it work pretty well. I like this post. It's mildly self-fellating, but compared to the severely self-fellating air to almost everyone else's self-introduction posts way back when the post count was still in double-digits, it feels refreshing. And it's a proper Protagonist Introduction. This is clearly a Boy of Destiny.

---

Post #1029, by Chris

"Let's see here...what have we got?" Chris mumbled to himself as he looked through his closet for something for guruzeth to wear. "Okay, it's a toss up. You can take the red shirt and jeans, or the suit I wore last night. Take your pick."

"I'll try the first outfit." guruzeth said, and went into the bathroom to change. A few minutes later, he poked his head out the door, saying that it was too small.

"Okay, here's the suit."

After another quarter of an hour, guruzeth emerged in a suit, dressed to kill.

It is extremely funny, watching Chris attempt to dress guruzeth in his own hand-me-downs from the previous night. Chris is kinda-sorta trying to do the Right Thing, but failing so badly at it. I don't think guruzeth is going to take kindly to this. Chris probably meant it mostly as a call-back to the Greatest Date Ever with him and PSI322 the previous (in-universe) evening.

"Looks good on you. Now, let's go and see how Poo and the others are doing."

There is no logical reason why EBPoo would be excluded from this. I think Chris is mostly excluding him because Chris is an administrator and EBPoo was a common serf. Even that doesn't quite make sense, though, as EBPoo was a starmen.net staffer.

The two of them entered the elevator and were soon back in the lobby. They sat in a few chairs with Poo and talked of their adventures so far. guruzeth told of his journeys through Scaraba, Chris told of his travels through Deep Darkness, and Poo talked of his quest to rule the world, and subsequent awakening.

While guruzeth faintly smiled and exercised much effort not to sadly shake his head at such a feeble world-conquering attempt.

After a little while longer, the eleveator opened and Juliana and Tracy emerged. Tracy looked much better than she had when Chris had first met her, now that she had had a chance to clean herself up.

I, uh, guess that's supposed to be a compliment?

"Ah, Tracy, PSI322, come and sit with us. We were just talking about everyone's adventures, and we'd like to hear about yours." guruzeth greeted them.

A little weird that guruzeth is addressing PSI322's AC as 'PSI322' instead of the 'Juliana' she has already stated she prefers. But I think this one is attributable to oversight, rather than malice.

"Sure." Tracy replied, and they soon were seated, talking about the island and planning their next adventure, this time together...

So like Traceh, Chris wants to keep the plotline moving but has punted the opportunity to actually choose what they do next. But then, you have to remember that EBPoo has signed up for Team We Don't Want To Do Anything Because We Think This Lavos Crap Is Stupid. So they're not likely going to do anything that has any relevance to saving the world. They're just going to kind of gypsy around a while.

---

Post #1030, by SirMontyG

Anthadd fell into the pit of lava below, but Sir quickly ran down a nearby path after him.

"ANTH!!!" Sir's desparate cry echoed through the springs.

"Sir! Over here!" Sir looked over and saw Anth off the side of the cliff, the head of his club hooked around the edge with the rest of his body dangling.

For the record, this was written a good five years before the Return of the King film. Peter Jackson is a long way away from having invented that one.

"Hang on!" Sir ran over and helped Anthadd up. "Whew..you okay?"

"That lousy mutt..." With a look of rage in his eye, Anthadd ran back up to the spring, Sir following behind...

Anthadd doesn't really do rage. Also I am growing increasingly disappointed with Major Asshole, because he's starting to remind me of Liyoshi with pointlessly dragging out a foregone conclusion of a battle. Major Asshole needs to get back to what he does best, which is loosely travel around and make fun of people.

Posts #996-1000: 14 May 2000

Post #996, by SirMontyG

(Sorry about that, Tonberry. Man, where's the steel pipe of dishonor when you need it?)

The Steel Pipe of Dishonor was something Tomato made up back in 1999. The idea was that when you get called out (by yourself or someone else) for doing something extraordinarily stupid and/or useless, you hit yourself over the head with the notional steel pipe.

---

Post #997, by  EBPoo


Halfway to Magicant, Poo fell down on his knees again as his head started throbbing once again. "Ow...my head..." Poo muttered to himself. "This can't be happening to me...I am the supreme evil...or am I just a misguided good guy? I can't stand it! I have to do something about it!!!! WAKE UP!" 

That was... er... odd.

Poo awoke in Fire Springs. "Wow. I'm back. BACK! I don't have to be evil or good. Just somewhere in between. I'm going off. Now. But where to go?" 

It appears EBPoo got bored with playing the slapstick bad guy--or probably more accurately, realized no one was paying any attention to him anymore--and decided to drop the shtick. Give a man credit for knowing when it's time to pack it in.

Poo transported to different places and then found a nice, deserted place where he could relax. "This place is great. No trace of humans anywhere!" Suddenly, Poo saw two figures coming from the distance. "Wha? People? What are two people doing here???" Poo looked closer and saw two people. One of which was a girl that he had never seen before. The other was a guy whom Poo knew he had seen before. "It's guru!" Poo shouted as he ran towards the two.

OK, now his sudden change of heart makes sense. You have to remember that guruzeth and PSI322 were both starmen.net celebrities. So Poo alertly realizes they're about to join up and start a plotline together, which is pretty much guaranteed to be the Alpha Plotline of the Gathering. He's making sure to be the first to join it. And he's dropping the evil thing first, probably because he assumes PSI322 and/or guruzeth won't be very fond of it.

---

Post #998, by diospadre

I smiled wide enough to crack my face when I saw diospadre's name come up just now. 

So diospadre is a Gathering newcomer, and he's going to mostly be in the Gathering to the end. He's near the top of the list of Starmen.Net Cool Dude Luminaries From Way Back, and rightly so. I never got along with him, because he was a cool dude and I was a jackass. But you will quickly see that wherever diospadre goes, he brings the funny. Basically he does what Major Asshole does, but better.

"Welcome to Summers." diospadre apathetically greeted the three tired and wet customers. Not only was he bored with working as a bellhop, but as he saw the three stagger into the hotel, he saw they were as young as he was. 

Yeah. So you have to give him credit for the unique entrance, positioning himself as an already existing employee at the Hotel Where It All Began. Also this post innocently marks something never specified before (and actually I think directly refuted before) that from here out will be accepted: that the Hotel Where It All Began is actually in Summers.

And teens don't tip well, its a fact. 

Teens don't tip at all, in my experience. diospadre actually was a hotel bellhop at this time, I believe. Funny, that. Now he's a lawyer and I work at a hotel.

Business had been slowing down as well. He was used to making a couple hundred dollars a day, it comes with the rich tourists to the town. In the past few weeks, though, there were almost no money coming into the town. He looked at his watch. It was only 4:30. 7 and a half hours to go. Another boring day. Oh well.

Pay attention, class, because this is how you do an introductory post right. Put yourself where the action you want to horn into is, introduce yourself innocuously, then end the post and wait for a chance to see what develops. If you're cool about it, it will probably come when someone invites you along for whatever world-saving hijinks ensue, but if not you can just tag along.

[This message has been edited by diospadre (edited 05-14-2000).]

[This message has been edited by diospadre (edited 05-14-2000).]

Yeah, he edited the message twice, and neglected to delete the first editing tag.

---

Post #999, by Anthadd


"No, I've got to say I'm not interested in such folly. I'd rather get all the melodies and see if I can get back to the actual gathering. It may bring on ennui, but I'm all but ready to settle back in to a natural life on the island until school starts anew."
"That so?" Sir said.

Anthadd's responding to something Major Asshole said when he crashed Anthadd's plotline a couple dozen posts ago. And no, I'm not going to explain what 'ennui' means to you. Look it up yourself, you lazy jackass.

By this time, they'd reached the Shining Spot's plateau.
"Are you ready to challenge Carbon Dog?" Anthadd queried.

Notice that Anthadd instantly assumes Major Asshole is now in Team Anthadd and will render assistance as such.

Sir waited for a second, and opened his mouth in response. What came out was:

Awesome. I don't know what it will be, but I predict it will be awesome.

---

Post #1000, by PSIOsman

Drat. I was hoping Post 1000 would be by somebody important.

"AAAAA!" Osman yelled as the Randite smashed him with its enormous claw. He did one of those cool quick recoveries like in Smash Brothers. Alan tried his best, but neither his PSI or his board were damaging it.

That opening quote is actually a clever code. See this page for more information.

Siris fired a beam at the face of the Randite. It took the hit easily, and turned toward Osman. Osman concentrated on his Scimitar. It started glowing again. He swung it, and fired a spinning blast of PSI energy. When it hit the Randite, it took a step back. It then continued on as if nothing happened. They realized that they would all have to use their abilities in unison if they wished do defeat the Randite.

The Power of Friendship really only impresses the reader if the reader cares. Here, the reader does not care. Why should we care about your battle against the Randite, Osman?

Siris called to Alan.

"Alan! Use your Tsunami attack!"

Does Alan even have any other attacks? It doesn't seem like he does. So why would he need to be reminded to use the only attack he knows? Basically Osman is saying, "Alan, get off your lazy ass and DO SOMETHING, dammit!"

Alan summoned a massive wall of water. Just as it hit the Randite, Siris quickly chanted a spell. 

Shouldn't he have started chanting the spell at some point shortly before the massive wall of water hit the Randite? I think usually you have to at least do a little bit of chanting before your spell gets invoked. I presume he's casting some spell to protect himself, as one presumes an incoming tsunami would be more dangerous to him than to the Randite. But then, the Randite isn't an AC. 

He continued chanting, as the night air became extremely cold. Glowing winds swirled around the Randite. Siris, still chanting, brought his fist toether. 

Remind me sometime to name a character in one of my fantasy books 'Toether'.

The winds seemed to collide into each other, with the Randite in the middle. What had been stone was now ice. Osman leaped forward, and slashed at the frozen figure. From the point of impact, a crack formed. It became larger, and branched out more, until the frozen Randite crumbled.

But, again, we still have no idea if or why this is a good thing. There has to be a point or no one will want to waste their time reading your battle scene.

"Whew," said Osman. "Let's go see about Sir now."

They did not notice that the pieces of the Randite had liquefied, and were now re-forming...

Just in case you were foolish enough to think that battle couldn't possibly get any more pointless.

(Geez! I'm writing these all by myself! Gauntlet Wizard, Al, care to step in?)

Yes. Yes you are. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps that's because you are the only person who cares?

------------------
You may address me as His Majesty Emperor PSIOsman I.

I think I'll address you as Insufferably Boring PSIOsman instead. Will that work for you?