Posts #1086-1090: 20 May 2000

Post #1086, by Dr. Andonuts 

(I have a way to escape, too. My computer does time travel. Speaking of which, i should be somewhen else right now.)

I don't know if he was high when he wrote this or what. I also don't know how time travel is supposed to help you escape Lavos, whose entire schtick is that he consumes time.

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Post #1087, by SirMontyG

((Dr., it's cool that your cpu can do the H.G. Wells thing, but use it only as a last ditch effort, things get awful messy when you screw with the fabric of spacetime))

Major Asshole always comes up with amusing ways to say "hey dude, that's pretty stupid." I could wish he were here to annotate.

"Anthadd! There's not much time! We've only got one chance at this attack. Dog's gonna figure out what we're doing and we'll have to think of something else, hurry, man!" Sir became childishly impatient "Agh, sorry, Anth..got caught up there for a sec..."

Translation: "hey Anthadd, you still around or what?"

And notice now the awful punishment for failing to act quickly is... you'll have to think. Words to strike fear in any IF writer's heart.

[This message has been edited by SirMontyG (edited 05-20-2000).]

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Post #1088, by Gauntlet Wizard

(Whoa! Haven't checked this forum in a while. Sorry, Osman. I'll be going with ya, if ya still want me around... Where are we going now? I'm still kinda lost.

So, uh... I know you're far too busy a man to actually read those hundreds of posts, but you could spare the 15 minutes or so to just read PSIOsman's posts. Can't you? 

We beat the Randite, went to Summers, and now we have Tsurami with us, right? Tsurami... hmm. How do you pronounce that?

Just like it sounds. Like 'tsunami' but with an R. It's not hard.

Well, anyway, I won't post again 'til you do, Osman, I need to now what's going on.)

You might be tempted to think he's just lazy and doesn't want to actually think of a post, but if you're not reading this thing and you see 200 new posts since the last time you posted, you'd be scared stiff of posting the wrong thing and pissing someone off, too. And no way is he going to, you know, read all of that. That would be work.

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Post #1089, by Anthadd

"Aiee!" Anthadd cried, cracking Diamond Dog into a near-infinite amount of pieces.

I very much doubt that. Even if he converted Diamond Dog into a pile of Diamond Dust, there would probably not be more than, say, 10 million individual specks of dust there. Which is nowhere near infinity. It's not even close to close to close to infinity. 

I do greatly appreciate the panache with which Anthadd shrugs and abruptly ends the battle. The translation is "actually, Major Asshole, I'm pretty bored with this too, and we're missing out on the real action here. So I'm totally on board with speeding this up."

"Woof."
Anthadd and Sir travelled into the Fire Springs, and collected the melody.
"Now to return to the Tenda Village."
A giant tremour shook the cave, and Anthadd suspected earthquakes causing the fall-in.
"Hurry, Sir! The cave might fall in upon itself, and us too!"

This is a golden opportunity for Major Asshole to write something good. Tense and exciting and action-packed. Most of the IF writers, instead of that, would just say "OK, we teleport to safety and join the Lavos battle." But hey, if anyone in this crowd has a shot at delivering a quality follow-up to this, it's Major Asshole.

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Post #1090, by TsuramiSea

(Well, I'm not sure how to pronounce it exactly, but I say it as "sue-ra'h-mee" [accent on the rah]. And thanks for accepting me, all! I'll do my best to do your characters right in my additions...)

Right. It's pronounced like 'tsunami' but with an R. I already said that.

After finishing their meals, the four headed out to the beach, where they partook in some leisure. Alan, of course, rode the waves. Siris lay in the sun, letting the warmth almost put him to sleep. Osman ran back and forth, enjoying the general beach atmosphere. TsuramiSea either played with the sand or waded around in the shallow water.

Now he's doing a team guruzeth impersonation, presumably as a prelude to suggesting a merger of the groups.

"Whooooooah! Here it comes!" shouted Alan, surfing a huge wave. He expertly made it to the shore, and celebrated his victory. Then, surfboard in hand, he walked over to Siris.

"So, dude, how are you managing?"

"I'm doing fine! Ah, this beach is as good as the one on the coast of Eagleland Island, if not better. Nice to just lie around..."

"Why don't you try to catch some waves?" offered Alan, grinning. "The tide here is awesome!"

"No thank you," answered Siris politely. He sat a little more upright. "Have they found any other SM.Netters?"

"Nah," answered the surfer. "And they've walked pretty far across the beach, too. TsuramiSea's, like, just about to give up." He began to head back to the tides. "I'll see you later, 'kay? I'm going to do some more riding...."

"Sure. Just be careful." Alan just waved his hand in a dismissing way, and headed off towards the shore.

(So, how'd I do? Hope I didn't mess anything up.....)

As you see, harking back to Gauntlet Wizard's non-post, there's a lot of nervousness about (a) using someone else's AC in a way they object to, even in something so innocuous as a conversation, and (b) accidentally running afoul of one of the self-appointed Thread Lords such as Tengu Man.

Posts #1056-1060: 17 May 2000

Post #1056, by PSIOsman

Osman just teleported into Summers, with Siris and Alan in tow. Osman was wearing his groovy Hawaiian shirt and shorts, and Siris was wearing similar gear. Alan, being a surfer dude, was always ready for such a climate.

Once again we find ourselves wondering how long PSIOsman will wait before he stops mentioning Alan. Or Siris for that matter.

"I'm hungry. Let's go eat," said Siris.

"So am I. Let's go eat something. Then we'll go to the beach, then get some rooms at the hotel. I think we can forget about Lavos for a while..." says Osman. (More organ music plays)

There is definitely some Lavos Fatigue making the rounds here.

"You know, that's really quite annoying," remarked Siris.

"It sure is, dude," agreed Alan.

"Well then. If I remember my EarthBound geography, Restaurant Summers is right... Here!" exclaimed Osman, triumphantly.

The trio stepped inside, and got stares from The waiters.

"Excuse me," one said, "but this is a formal restaurant."

"Oh... Cool," said Siris, and plunked down at a table. Another waiter came to the table and handed them the menus. Just then, they heard an announcement on the intercom...

"Paging all SM.Netters! Paging all SM.Netters! If you are from SM.Net, a fellow site-goer would like to meet you! I'll be at the front of the restaurant! If there are any SM.Netters here, please come! I'd like to meet you!"

(TsuramiSea, I don't know if you wanted to join guruzeth's group or ours)

I think TsuramiSea wants to join any group that acknowledges his existence. Which makes you the winner, as I don't think guruzeth's group has any plans to do that anytime soon. 

It's hard not to notice that guruzeth is giving off Protagonist Rays that are swiftly drawing the rest of the story in around him, through no particular effort of his own. It's what power does for you. 

All in all it seems PSIOsman engineered this post to welcome TsuramiSea into his plotline, having grown bored with writing by himself while Gauntlet is distracted and SaturnAl quit the Gathering a couple hundred posts ago.

[This message has been edited by PSIOsman (edited 05-17-2000).]

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Post #1057, by Pikachu3164

((Well, it's nice to know that you two are still here. I was extremely worried that we'd never be able to beat Lavos. And I understand the conflicts with school. School stinks.)

I think he's talking to Liyoshi and Moggot, but I can't really be certain. You know, I was re-reading the early posts and 3164 has mellowed out a lot, I must say. He doesn't go around literarily cutting himself for attention the way he did the first 200 posts.

**********
Pikachu, decided to check his e-mail before he went to whoop some Lavos rear-end. [Ooh! An e-mail! I got an e-mail! Hey everyone! I got an e-mail!]

"Do we care?"

OK, maybe I spoke too soon.

[No! Hmm... It's a note... It says that we can't even scratch Lavos' core! Cool!]

"Why is that cool?"

[Because if we can't hurt the core, then that means we may as well just leave Lavos alone once we desroy his second form! We can resume our vacation even if Lavos is still alive, because there's nothing we can do about it! Absoulutely nothing! Woo hoo! Vacation! LET'S GO!]

I chuckled. It reminds me of Alice, the token overstressed workaholic in Dilbert, having her workload increased to the point where she will fail no matter what she does. This leads to the dawning, wide-eyed realization that if success is impossible, then she's... free. 

The moment of enlightenment brought her great joy. 

As for 3164, well, he's always been in the habit of waiting around to see what's popular and then tagging along with it, and he isn't looking to change that strategy now.

"Okay."

"Well... There's Lavos. Are we ready?"

[Ready? Ready? I'm more than ready! I've been waiting for a chance to get back to my vacation for quite a while! Let's go soften up Lavos for Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo! We can go on a va...]

"Pikachu. Let's just go and beat him up."

Pikachu, Tim, Poryhedron, and Nathan ran right on towards Lavos, grabbed Ton along the way, and rushed right into his mouth, to battle Lavos robot form.8

Not that I especially care what you do with the space hedgehog from a different game that I have never regarded as anything but a nuisance, but: I really don't think that's how it works. Neither physically (the head remains alive as far as I know, and anyway I don't think the hole behind it is a mouth) nor storywise (congratulations, you just pissed off Tengu and Falcon24.)

Pikachu, before Lavos could even tell he was there, let out a Thunder. Most unfortuneatly, it hardly hurt him.

"Fools. You can't desroy me. Reinforcements!"

Granted that I have never tried to desroy anything, I don't think. Depends on what exactly desroying is.

That's when a bunch of jellyfish came running into Lavos's mouth, ready for battle.

Pikachu stared at the jellyfish, then fell on the floor laughing. [Haaa... Weren't the jellyfish *giggle* the original antagonists of the island? *snicker*]

((Sorry, I just had to do that jellyfish thing. I just re-read the first few pages of this IF and I noticed that way back then, we were worried about jellyfish. Then, they just kind of faded when Falcon and Poo came in.))

Apparently I'm not the only person pining away for the lighthearted days of the party and the dance. I also approve of the way 3164 works all this into a way to bitch that he doesn't like Falcon24. Get in line, son!

((Oh, and by the way, I'm probably one of the few people here who haven't played Chrono Trigger. I also have very little clue as to what I'm doing. I've gotten the very little info. I have on Lavos by reading a FAQ, and gathering info. from you. So, if I screw something up, you need to tell me.))

There is no need to worry about that, my dear 3164. They most certainly will tell you.

[This message has been edited by Pikachu3164 (edited 05-17-2000).]

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Post #1058, by TsuramiSea

(Hehe... yeah! Great! I had been aiming for the five gang, but since they left / I was in the wrong restaurant, I obviously can't meet them here. I'm just as pleased to meet you three! But, remember... I don't know you all very well....)

That is to say, they (team guruzeth) ignored you.

TsuramiSea stood impatiently in the front area of the restaurant. Great, I hope I didn't waste $30 to not meet anyone, he thought to himself. Just then, three figures, food from their meal in hand, ran up to the front of the restaurant. They were asking for the person who called for SM.Netters. "Here! I'm the PA person!" called TsuramiSea. They walked over to him. They were all wearing beach clothing, looking slightly out of place in the fancy restaurant.

It's actually true, the restaurant and Stoic Club are the two places in Summers nobody's wearing swimsuits around.

"So you're the one, huh? We're all SM.Netters," said Osman. "My name's Osman.... PSIOsman in the EarthBound community."

Siris stepped forward. "I'm Siris, GauntletWizard on the forums."

Alan came up. "I'm Alan, also SaturnAl from the forums."

TsuramiSea actually managed to pull off a not-too-evil looking smile. "Nice to meet you all!"

I don't really know what that means. TsuramiSea was not the type to pull off a convincing evil at all.

"And, like, who are you?" questioned Alan.

"I'm TsuramiSea, same in the EB community. I'm too paranoid to give my name just now, hope you don't mind." The other three greeted Tsurami, and told him it was okay with them. "Do you mind if I joined you? I've been wanting to find more SM.Netters."

For a guy going so far out of his way to be friendly, he sure has a charming way of coming across standoffish. Tsurami, lots of people aren't using their real names here. There's no need to make a particular note that you don't trust your new friends.

"It's all right with us," remarked Osman, "right, guys?" Both Siris and Alan agreed.

Case in point. None of these three kids are named 'Osman' or 'Siris'. Alan, maybe.

They all began walking to the table, but a waiter stopped Tsurami with a vicious glance, and TsuramiSea realized he hadn't paid like the others. So, paying his entry, he joined the others.

This is a restaurant, not a nightclub or a museum. There's no cover charge.

"We've been adventuring around Eagleland Island, trying to defeat the evil growing here. There are creatures called Randites attacking. But for now, we've decided to take a vacation," explained Siris. "What have you been doing all this time?"

I laughed at the laid back attitude toward imminent global destruction. 'Yeah, the giant space hedgehog is going to blow up the world any day now, but we figured f--- it, let's take a vacation.'

TsuramiSea just breathed deeply and looked a little embarrased. "Well, I've just been looking around Eagleland, fighting less powerful enemies and looking for other SM.Netters. After all, this was originally supposed to be a gathering for the starmen.net visitors."

TsuramiSea becomes the 18th person to pile onto the 'hey, this is supposed to be a party!' bandwagon.

The others simply nodded politely. They talked about various things, like their normal lives, how their exploration was going, and so on.

"Will you be leaving, like, now that you've met us?" said Alan as they finished their meals.

"I don't know," said TsuramiSea between bites. "There are supposed to be more people in Scaraba and Lumine Hall cave for me to meet.... but I don't know if I should go. Reaching those areas could be dangerous. Anyway, do you think there are any other SM.Netters here in Summers?"

"It's possible," remarked Osman. "Maybe if they're on the beach when we go back out, we might just run into them. We've already met a lot of the others, but you just got here a while ago?" TsuramiSea nodded. "Well, maybe we'll get lucky."

"So you'd help me find some other SM.Netters?" mumbled Tsurami through his near-final bite of kiwi cheesecake.

(Up to you guys to decide. And, where are SaturnAl and GauntletWizard? Any chance of them showing up again do you suppose, PSIOsman? [To post that is.] I'd be glad to travel with you if the answer is no, if you'll have me that is....)

TsuramiSea is still stubbornly refusing to simply approach team guruzeth, preferring to made translucent references to them and hoping someone reaches out to him. Understandably, because guruzeth was not known for his compassion and friendliness.

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Post #1059, by Little Yoshi

(Okay guys, I've decided that I'll help you with Lavos, Robot Form. But I gtg now, so I can't post)

This is supposed to be important because you'll remember that Liyoshi was a pacifist way back during Luna's Great Jellyfish/Kralen Raid, before guruzeth made pacifism cool. Liyoshi can't be caught doing anything cool, of course (and/or doesn't want in the same plotline as his brother), so now he's going to join in on Saving the World. As it stands his posting style is just going to piss Tengu Man off, but actually there's a lot of Tenguling potential here with a little work. Tengu Man would definitely approve of boring, dozens of posts long battle sequences.

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Post #1060, by Foppy King

(Wow. Leave for a month and now we're battling Lavos. I've got some reading to do...)

I'm pretty sure Foppy King is still yet to produce a post more than one line long or bearing any tiny relevance to the story whatsoever.

Posts #1051-1055: 17 May 2000

Post #1051, by TsuramiSea

17 May must have been a Saturday. There are many more posts on this day than on any other one day for some time before.

TsuramiSea had gone into many of the buildings in the business area, and still had some more to check. Then he had to search the boardwalk and the beach. It wouldn't be easy.

Is he still looking for Lavos? In business buildings? I mean, granted, in corporate headquarters in a major city is an excellent place to look for a being of pure evil. But usually it's not a giant space hedgehog you're looking for specifically.

He already had a headache from getting kicked out of the Scaraba Cultural Museum for entering and screaming, "IS ANYONE HERE FROM SM.NET?!?"

An excellent and amusing point. That would get you kicked out of most respectable museums, I suspect.

However, now he was coming up on another Summers restaurant. He was almost given up, feeling that he'd never find the other SM.Netters, but felt that he had to try.

It sounds like he's trying to latch onto team guruzeth, but then he apparently hasn't been reading their posts, which specified there were only two restaurants in Summers, if you count the Stoic Club as a "restaurant".

Entering the restaurant, he went up to the manager. "Excuse me, sir." The man turned to him. "May I please use your intercom... er... speaker system... whatever exactly, for a moment? I want to try to locate a certain party, but I'm not certain whether or not they're in this restaurant."

The man smirked. "Yes." TsuramiSea beamed. "But it will cost you $30." Tsurami's face contorted, but he handed over the money. What a cheap tourist trap, he thought. He stepped over to the PA.

Being that $30 is the prize of a single small serving of gelato in EarthBound's Summers, I suspect the bribe would be closer to $3,000 than $30.

"Paging all SM.Netters! Paging all SM.Netters! If you are from SM.Net, a fellow site-goer would like to meet you! I'll be at the front of the restaurant! If there are any SM.Netters here, please come! I'd like to meet you!" Then he got away from the speaker. Standing near the front of the restaurant, Tsurami waited for a response...

(Okay, if the gang currently in Summers wants to put up with me, someone come and get me. If not, just ignore me, and I'll assume I was in the wrong restaurant.)

I wonder if the attention-starved brigade really didn't understand how badly they were hampering their own quests for attention. Tsurami demonstrates here how to do it exactly wrong: Demand someone else go out of their way to acknowledge and accept you. Instead of the natural and correct thing, which is walk up to them and join them.

Passivity is the path to being a loser. If you want to win at life, do active things.

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Post #1052, by Chris

After a little while, the food arrived. Though his French wasn't the best, Chris had still managed to take a good guess at what he was ordering, and acquired some kind of chicken. Tracy and guruzeth had both ordered various sandwhiches, and Poo and Juliana had wound up with some exotic looking dish.

Thank you, Chris. That's very uninteresting.

While they ate, they conversed over what they might do after resting at the hotel.

"Okay, essentially, we can do one of two things. We can join everyone else in fighting Lavos, or we can tour Eagleland on our own. Juliana and I have covered a good deal of it, as has Poo, and I think that we could see all sorts of interesting things. What do you all think?" Chris asked.

"I say we explore the island." said Tracy.

"Island." Poo replied.

"Same here." guruzeth added.

"Count me in." Juliana finished.

"Great, then, we'll set out the day after tomorrow."

Chris has no idea how much of a dick he comes across as when he tells other people what their ACs think and allow them no free will to do anything but slavishly follow his awesome leadership. He was doing it way back at The Dance, and he's still doing it now.

After lunch, the group decided to go down to the beach and hang out. They decided to construct a large sand castle. Chris and Poo ran up the street to buy some shovels and buckets, as they intended to build a huge castle. Soon, they had set to work, digging and building the greatest castle Eagleland Island had ever seen...

Does he really think this is exciting? I can see how it was pretty fun the first time he did it, when he and Juliana were enjoying the brilliant dawn of their undying love for one another. (Remember, PSI322 was allowed no choice in this matter.) But now doing the same thing again is... boring. You're boring, Chris.

It would be awesome if I could believe Chris was pointedly ignoring TsuramiSea here, but he's not. This post came only six minutes after TsuramiSea's, and Chris almost certainly did not see it. Granting, when he did see it after the fact, he didn't care.

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Post #1053, by Anthadd

"If I remember correctly, diamond is the hardest, and quite possibly heaviest, non-element on Earth. Therefore, we could logically defeat him by causing him to break apart," Anthadd mused.
"You're kidding, right?"
"Maybe not the heaviest, but a heavy material. And the bigger the diamond is and the higher it is, the greater chance it'll break."

So... your brilliant conclusion is that in order to defeat him, you must: attack him with weapons. Hard. Which is different from what you were already doing... how?

"Grrrr..."
Anthadd, in a regularly unseen show of courage, leapt on Diamond Dog's back and tried to ride him into the sky. Noticing a series of hooked stalactities on the cave ceiling, leading down, Anthadd picked two sturdy golf clubs and held them with him. He leapt up, gripping Diamond Dog's body tightly with his legs, and in a way flew to near the entrance.

OK, let's try to sort through the ridiculosities here.

RIDICULOSITY 1: You really, really don't want to try to leap onto Diamond Dog's back if you ever plan on doing any of the following at any future point in your life: have children; walk in a straight line and/or without pain; urinate; engage in activity that traditionally produces children. I don't know, it's a lot to risk.

RIDICULOSITY 2: Diamond Dog is a bloody dog, it doesn't fly.

RIDICULOSITY 3: You're indoors. You yourself referred in the very next sentence to the ceiling. What sky?

RIDICULOSITY 4: If you tried to grip Diamond Dog's body tightly with your legs, you would no longer have legs. Warrants mentioning.

RIDICULOSITY 5: How the hell do you expect this plan to work if, in fact, Diamond Dog can fly?

Along the way, Diamond Dog had struggled excitedly trying to snap at the rider, bite him, somehow diamondise him, then began to slip, and finally fell from his legs, not breaking apart on the ground below. But a few hairline cracks appeared.

I'm glad they're enjoying themselves. Maybe I shouldn't judge them so harshly; they seem to be having a fine time, and as long as they're not trying to drag anybody else into it, where's the harm, after all?

I guess all of this is a lot more tolerable when there are two people involved, going back and forth. Liyoshi stretched one battle out over a couple hundred posts and it got to really pissing me off. But I'm not sure if his flying solo was the bigger reason why--for sure, he should have been writing fanfiction, not polluting the thread with crap nobody wants to read--or if it's just that Liyoshi himself is annoying.

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Post #1054, by SirMontyG

"A few more times oughta do it.." As Sir attempted to mimic Anthadd's act of valor. He jumped for DD's back, but the dog was waiting this time, and promptly ducked. Sir took a nose dive into the dirt. "Owww.."

As discussed, I find that far preferable to what would happen if you succeeded at that maneuver.

Sir quickly got up and turned around. "I was saving this for Lavos, but I see no reason not to use it now!" Sir pulled an odd looking device from his pack. It was a multi bottle rocket. "Aim for the fractures!" Yelled Anth, and Sir did. *KA swoswoswoswoswoswoooosh!!!*

Finally someone does something that's both in-flavor and smart with their AC God Mode. What a wonder. If you equip a Rabbit's Foot you can drop Diamond Dog (who has more HP than any enemy in EarthBound except Giygas himself) in two Multi-Bottle Rocket shots.

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Post #1055, by EBPoo

"I've never tried surfing before," commented Poo. "Perhaps while I'm here, I should attempt it." Poo ran to find someone with a surfboard. He spotted a surfer dude, so he went over to interrogate. After chatting for a couple minutes, the surfer handed over the surfboard, and Poo ran out to catch the waves. After wiping out several times, Poo ran back to the others. "Anyone want to try out the surfboard?" asked Poo.

Chris, this is what I've been trying to tell you and you aren't learning. All you do when you flagrantly control other people's ACs is annoy them, and when annoyed they will usually do exactly what EBPoo just did--pointedly ignore you and do what they want. Points to EBPoo for not dignifying Chris's behavior by whining about it, too.

Posts #1036-1040: 16-17 May 2000

Post #1036, by diospadre

"Sure, I know a few places to eat around here. Well I know 2. THat's really all we have here. Pretty ironic, seeing as this town is a resort." diospadre liked the group before him.

diospadre always had hilariously low-key ways of pointing out the absurdity in EarthBound. Well, actually, he could do it more overtly too, such as his legendary quote "the girl can create fire for god's sake, and they're trapped by a locked door."

They all seemed likable, and yet oddly familiar. "I got the ins at the Stoic Club, so you could go there."

Can't be too familiar if you're describing guruzeth or Chris as 'likable'.

"I prefer real food over rocks and water," guru bluntly stated.

Good man.

"Ok, well then you can dine at the Restuaraunt Summers."
"Man, this trip is really taking its toll on my wallet," the stingy guruzeth stated.
"No problem, it's on me," dios replied as he tossed a wad of bills onto the floor.
"Hey, thanks!" said Juliana as she began to leave with the others.

LOL. This is what a man clearly enjoying being an AC looks like. Well, a man who is actually entertaining enjoying being an AC. I'm sure Liyoshi is enjoying the hell out of his AC experience, but that's at our expenses. 

And look at the results, too: he's got guruzeth on the receiving end of his casual generosity. Chris should be taking notes on how to do that right.

"No problemo. Adios, mis amigos."
As guruzeth heard the manager's parting words, he stopped dead in his tracks. Could it be?

You see, the pigeon Spanish was supposed to be diospadre's signature style. So obviously guruzeth is supposed to recognize it. (Apparently no one else in the group is supposed to, though. I don't know.)

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Post #1037, by SirMontyG

"Well, no use in gawking at it. Harrrah!" Sir yelled as he swung at the newly dimonized feind. *smmmaasCRACK!*

What the hell? This post guest written by loid?

"MY BAT!!!!!" Sir cried in pain "It just split in two!"
"Whoa, calm down, Sir.."

Anthadd sounds like Marcie there.

*grrrrrr..*
"You vile, miserable, mangy mutt! You've ruined my prised possesion! My personal weapon!! My louiesville slugger..You shall PAY!"

Prized. Possession. Louisville. And there really needs to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing the use of more than one exclamation point at a time under any circumstances.

Sir pulled a huge right cross, followed by a stunner, followed by a german suplex, followed by a hard knee, followed by a roundhouse, followed by a cross right uppercut straight to the chin. Diamond Dog was seriously knocked for a loop.
"Ouch..Them razor sharp edges smart.."

Yeah, in reality if he weren't an AC he would have dismembered himself attempting those stunts on a dog made out of sharp jagged diamond.

This battle really needs to end. Yesterday.

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Post #1038, by t0nberry22

(Guys, what's the big idea? You completely forgot about me and Dark Ton!!!! Geez, I wish people would quit doin' that...)
(Ok, so now I'm in the Lavos Crater with DT, and you're in Tim's boat. Are you gonna help me or not?)

Yes, I just discussed this the other day. People are actually responding in the correct way to someone or something unwelcome being forced into their plotline: by ignoring it. Were t0nberry22 good at IF he would recognize this means no one is interested in Dark Ton and would follow their lead in forgetting his existence. Or if he's allergic to dangling threads, killing him off or putting him on a bus in one paragraph right now. There's no shame in admitting it wasn't a good idea and moving on, before it makes things even worse for you.

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Post #1039, by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy

(I might not be online as often, on account I can now go online only at school. It's a punishment, but it may not last too musch longer. Just until Saturday or Monday or Tuesday.)

One of those days that end in -day, he's almost certain.

Cute of him to post the public service announcement about his whereabouts, as if one soul in this thread gave a damn.

Shock Bird then crowed and said [I gotta go. My wife laid eggs and today's my day to incubate 'em! I'll come back when I know of a task that I sence Poryhedron can't handle.] Then, in his best imperonation of Bill Nye, the Science Guy, said [See ya!]
Shock Bird left.

So SS/MB plans to switch his ACs in and out like a tag team, depending on the circumstances (such as how bored he is at a given time). It violates the letter of the law, but actually not necessarily the spirit. The one AC per writer rule (AKA the Tengu Man Rule) was instituted to prevent a single writer from using numerous ACs to accomplish one or both of (a) influencing every plotline in the thread, and (b) dominating a particular plotline by sheer numbers. (Both of these were Tengu Man Specials.)

But if you have merely a rotating cast of ACs such that you, the writer, are only on one plotline with one AC at a time, there's no problem with that. I don't think there's any reason to prevent SS/MB from amusing himself so. He's extremely harmless.

"Well, Pikachu," said Poryhedron, "I bet you can count on me to come with you to Winters!"
[I guess,] said Pikachu.
"Oh, I made you a treat!" said Poryhedron, pulling out the Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar. "I went online and found instructions on making homeade Peanut Cheese Bars. Using that, I made you this Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar!"
Pikachu grabbed it and ate it.
[DELICIOUS!] yelled Pikachu.
" Glad you liked it!" said Poryhedron.

Endearing himself to 3164: it worked before, surely it will work again. 

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome SS/MB back to the thread. His childish rambling is exhilarating after a few hundred posts of Serious Business (not to mention Liyoshi).

[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-17-2000).]

---

Post #1040, by TsuramiSea

I'm curious to see whether Tsurami's finally going to get around to doing anything besides wandering around semi-aimlessly and declaring that gosh, he sure hopes to meet someone. Let's read!

A cargo barge pulled into a port in Toto. The shipmen began to unload the vegetables on board. TsuramiSea knew that he had to be very careful about getting out.

Oh, right. I just remembered he performed a pretty near physically impossible stowaway stunt, last time he posted. That was a while ago.

He slipped between crates, fortunately it was only a few men unloading the ship. Soon TsuramiSea got out of the cargo room and ducked-and-covered behind various structures on the ship until he snuck off of the gangplank and ran off into Toto. He had successfully stowawayed to Summers! He felt rather exhilirated, but decided against making a habit of doing things like it.

It's amusing the way he handled this with phrases like 'behind various structures on the ship' to disguise the fact that he knows nothing about ships at all besides what he's seen in a few movies. It works because neither would any of his readers, if he had readers, which he doesn't. His potential readers, let's say, in the interests of being polite.

Tsurami looked around him. This is definitely Toto, he thought. "Okay, great, I'm here! Now all I have to do is find these friends of mine, that is, if they're still here."

So I guess that 'doing something' won't be happening in this post, then.

TsuramiSea began to head off to Summers. As he walked, he thought about how the hint man had said that Lavos was in Fourside. But, he had been in that city, almost all over it, and hadn't seen Lavos. Either he was being less observant than usual, or the hint man had been mistaken.

That is pretty funny imagery: usually I'm pretty observant, but I just happened by chance to walk all through Fourside and fail to find a giant malevolent space hedgehog.

TsuramiSea wasn't sure what to think. But he didn't worry himself about it at the moment. He just wanted to find more SM.Netters and see what they were like. A small, secret part of TsuramiSea hoped they'd be people he could talk to without feeling alienated. He entered the entrance to the great resort town. Great.... now I just need to search this WHOLE town for these people.... was his thought before walking off into the large groups of buildings in the buisness area of Summers.

It bears repeating that TsuramiSea was not subtle in his writing. He's remarkably explicit about the major need-for-acceptance issues he has. I actually think he was smart enough to know Tengu Man was kind of a creep, but emotionally he just had to be accepted by somebody. It's the exact recipe for Instant Tenguling: Just Add Attention.

Posts #991-995: 14 May 2000

Post #991, by TsuramiSea


In Fourside, TsuramiSea explored and tried to find out how to reach Chommo. 

You probably forgot and I don't blame you for it, but: I'm pretty sure 'Chommo' was the word Tengu Man came up with to describe the non-Eagleland area of EarthBound. Yes, I know it's stupid, don't look at me like that.

He fought some Extra Cranky Ladies, but they weren't as generous as the Cranky Ladies in Twoson. 

I don't even know what this means. Extra Cranky Ladies are worth a lot more money than their more primitive sisters, and drop Handbag Straps at the same rate. So I can't tell what makes them less generous.

However, after getting some extra money, TsuramiSea bought a bicycle helmet for protection. 

Don't laugh. Oversized coins provide a ton of protection in EarthBound, and I don't even know where you carry them on your person. You'd think on a rope around your neck, but then for most of the game you're already wearing a pendant, so who knows?

Then, he looked around for some kind of ship headed for Chommo. He found out that many cargo barges and cruises went to Chommo (mostly to Summers, but Scaraba also). 

Yeah, okay. At least I correctly remember what 'Chommo' is, besides a very stupid word.

TsuramiSea decided to STOWAWAY on a large cargo ship. 

I don't have the foggiest idea why he had to capitalize STOWAWAY, and we will never find out. It was probably a long-forgotten inside joke. Or maybe it's a reference to some famous anime or something that you all know about but I've never heard of.

He felt a little nervous, because it was against the law. But, he wanted to get to Chommo very badly and didn't have enough money for a cruise. Besides, he thought he could find a good hiding place. Tsurami boarded a barge to Summers carrying various fresh vegetables, and nestled himself tightly between a group of close-set crates. 

Well, that one definitely goes in the "didn't think your cunning plan all the way through" file. This ship will be at sea for, minimum, half a day, possibly as much as two days. He has no idea how uncomfortable it's going to get staying wedged in that position, in that spot, for 30 freakin' minutes, much less two days. And that's without even considering what most of us must do at least a few times every two days. 

At last, the boat set off, and TsuramiSea headed off for Summers, not knowing what to expect....

---

Post #992, by Traceh

guruzeth was awaken by a pecking noise and an 'Ooof! Get AWAY from me you mindless creature!" He sat up and looked around, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Traceh. Wait... what do you mean she wasn't saying that to guruzeth? 

Come to think of it, isn't that exactly what PSI322 has been wanting to say to Chris for 900 posts now and has been to polite to? Pretty much verbatim, right?

A few feet away was Tracy, shooing away some strange bird. It finally got the hint and flew off and Tracy turned to him.

I guess we won't be naming that bird 'Chris', then.

"Ah, finally awake? I would probobly still be sleeping if it wasnt for that squaker, and the prickle of this bush.

Apparently both of those things woke her up at the exact same instant. I do like to think she was making fun of the stupidity of sleeping in/under a bush.

guru stood up and helped Tracy to her feet and they brushed the sand off their clothes.

It's like 99.96% that Traceh not specifying they each brushed the sand off their own clothes was accidental. But given the general tone of this particular arc, it would have been much better for all of us if she had. I would start tallying instances of guruzeth and Traceh making physical contact the way I did with loid typos--it's been about a consistent 3-5 times per post for a while now--but what's the point? loid typos didn't make us feel vaguely uncomfortable for reading them.

"It's just starting to warm up," he said. "Why dont we test the water?"

They picked up their belongings and strolled towards the bank of the river looking for a good spot to ease into.

"Are you sure about this?" Tracy said. "It could be more dangerous then we would expect."

You ran headlong into a cursed pyramid without hesitating for a second--with guruzeth--but you're having second thoughts about swimming?

"Pretty sure," said guru. "After all, you do know how to swim, right?"

Tracy flashed him a look and slowly waded into the water, waist deep, guruzeth folloing suit.

Traceh really needs to be more careful with choosing her verbs. That's all I'm saying.

She floated her backpack while tieing a cord from it to her wrist.

An excellent plan, assuming your backback is both waterproof and watertight. And assuming you don't mind the substantial risk you run into some rapids and get strangled to death by the cord.

After a few deep breaths and 'good luck's, they released the grip on the rocks at the shallow bottom and let the current take them.

They held tight to eachother's arms

Oh god.

I'm honestly not even sure how to picture what she means. I'm pretty sure she was envisioning hands-on-forearms, but even that isn't helping me view this as an innocent survival tactic. Either the river is relatively calm, in which case the arm-holding is unnecessary (and then presumably a stand-in for hand-holding), or it's relatively active, in which case it's insufficient. If they'd known what they were doing they would have grabbed a log or something else that floats and shared it; that's their best shot at staying together if the river is tumultuous. So either way this really comes across as approaching Romance Rule boundaries. I still think Traceh was clueless of all that and just had an impressive talent for picking unfortunate wording. But I distinctly remember PSI322, at the time, strongly disagreeing with that assessment and being very irritated at this particular part of this particular post.

I don't know, man. guruzeth wasn't worth fighting over.

and floated down the river for what seemed like only minutes before the mouth of the river started to widen. "Hold on, okay? I wouldnt want just one of us to make it," guruzeth spat through the water. Not that Tracy heard more then a mumble with her plugged ears.

There's this thing called 'treading water' that they really should have learned before they came up with their river-semi-swimming plan-type thing. Or does she mean Tracy actually applied earplugs before getting in the water? If so, I'm at a loss for why she wasn't wearing them the whole time, to muffle guruzeth's voice.

Up ahead the river emerged into the ocean and Tracy became somewhat hystarical, splashing a bit and shaking (not just from the water temperature).

I have no idea why they didn't simply swim to shore and emerge from the river as soon as they saw the shore coming up. Assuming rivers worked that way, which they usually don't. But hey, this is IF and these are teenagers that don't really know anything about rivers and don't really care. But since you care: people got the idea of putting barges on rivers because it was a fast way to ship piles of stuff. Not because swimming downstream is a better way to reach the ocean than walking. Rivers wind and twist a lot (easily negating whatever speed advantage over walking they might have offered), and frequently run into things like rapids and waterfalls that are generally fatal to swimmers. But hey, ACs.

They could see waves far off in the distance which neared and were apon them in no time flat. Despite all fighting to stick together they were separated by the waves, each watching the other float off into oblivion.

Dang, I was hoping for more detail as to how exactly they fought to stick together. Sounds hot.

That's not really how oceans work, either, especially at the mouths of major rivers. (Major rivers are the only kind that run directly into oceans, generally at deltas.) But I'm probably boring you with pointing out what to you is probably obvious.

The next thing guruzeth remembered was being shook by someone.

"guru! Are you okay!? guru wake up....oh I hope you arent dead or something!

I really fail to see how that would be a bad thing. I keep telling you that you should have left him to his fate in the Pyramid.

Come on, wake up!" Tracy shouted as though to penatrate his sleep-like state.

Penet... okay, yeah. You see what I mean about Traceh and picking unfortunate wording.

"Hey, we are so lucky we washed up on the same beach, or even washed ashore at all!"

"...Huh?" he asked, dazed. "What happened? where are we?"

Great opportunity to pull a Calvin's Dad on him and she's going to whiff on it.

"We washed up on the shore. Look over there, I think we're back at the mainland beach that everyone started out on. If Im correct, the hotel should be just over that hill," Tracy exclaimed. "Should we go back yet, or not?"

Just in case you missed that, they not only sort-of-swam downriver but they crossed the ocean into wherever the hotel was (it definitely wasn't in Scaraba).

You know what to me is really interesting? That Traceh, not guruzeth, took the initiative to get them back to the hotel where they know PSI322 is waiting for guruzeth's arrival. Maybe she knew that was their inevitable destination and resigned herself to it without wangsting on and on the way Chris is doing (Traceh is actually a cool enough person to have done this). Or maybe she actually secretly has had enough of the soloing with guruzeth and wanted to hang out with someone else for a change. We would hope that's the case.

Either way, that concludes the guruzeth-Traceh arc, also known as the "way too much touching for anyone's comfort arc", and we are about to enter the guruzeth-PSI322 arc, also known as the "still today the all time record holder for angst and general pissiness arc". Fun times are ahead, my friends!

---

Post #993, by t0nberry22



(Sir, please. It's Dark TON, not Tom. So please stop callin' him that!)

Yeah, but I LOL every time I see 'Dark Tom'. Harriet Beecher Stowe must be turning around in her grave like a basting turkey.

Dark Ton had reached the Huge Lavos Shell in Saturn Valley. "At last..." He said. "Finally, a chance to show my TRUE power!" 

Is it really true power if you have to go out of your way to locate a large MacGuffin to activate it?

With that, DT started glowing...


Meanwhile, Ton had made it to the sewers in Fourside. "Alright Ton... Here I go!" Ton climbed down into the sewers. After about 20 minutes of trudging thru sludge, Ton saw a group of people fighting a giant rat...
(And PSI, techically DT isn't another AC, just a evil side of my AC. Plus, he's interesting.)

If "I think he's interesting" was a valid cause for exemption from the AC rule, Tengu Man would have 130 ACs in this thread by now. Not gonna fly, kid.

The "DT isn't another AC" thing is at least an attempt at a semi-logical argument, but it miserably fails. Dark Ton fits every criteria of a second AC: only you can control its thoughts and motives, and it can be in a separate plotline from your primary ACs. That's an AC. Sorry. And I am 100% serious when I say that if he'd gotten away with that, it would be about ten posts before Tengu announced that there are twelve Dark Tengus, each one representing a subtly different part of his personality. And then twelve more Dark Roll Busters (you don't seriously think you've seen the last of Roll Buster, do you? Ho ho ho).

---

Post #994, by loid


"Pikachu, can you hear me? Come on! Gotta wake up now."
"Lemme try Tim, PIKACHU! BUTTERFREES HERE AND HE BROUGHT EXPRESSO AND PEANUT CHEESE BARS!.... I dont think he's waking up. Poor little guy."

I have little doubt loid was intentionally giving Liyoshi a middle finger with that exchange, wherein Loyoshi just shakes him and can't wake him up. loid is in my top five posters for sure right now.

"Is, is he..."
"No, he's still breathing which is always a good sign, maybe the melody will heal him."

I wouldn't worry about him too much, I mean, he's an AC, any moment now a plot contrivance will come along and he'll be fit as a fiddle.

Just then Ton noticed all of them there
"Kiyo? That you?"
"Ton?"
"Hey Kiyo, do you two know each other?"
"Whats it look like. Ton, we got kindof a problem here."
Kiyo explained to Ton all about Randite and the battle with the Plague rat and his new allies Pikachu, Poryhydron, shockbird, Tim and Nathan.

Actually, not only am I not going to sneer at loid's lack of exposition skills, but I wish a lot of published novelists that also lack exposition skills would follow loid's lead. You could save a lot of pages just writing "Dirk explained to Jigger everything that was going on from pages 114 through 198."

Ton said

I didn't miss anything; that's where the post ends. loid's not an ellipsis kind of guy, you see.

---

Post #995, by guruzeth

It took guruzeth over an hour to get a post up making sure he gets to the hotel. That's longer than I was expecting. He was probably busy being a jackass in #earthbound.

As he gradually returned to full consciousness, guruzeth fell into a violent coughing spasm as he expelled all the water he'd taken on. 

guruzeth showing off that he watched a TV show once that explained what tends to happen when water gets places it's not supposed to go. And also acting injured.

You can tell that I have always, from the dawn of IF, been annoyed by rampant AC God Mode. Unfortunately I did the usual teenage thing and overreacted. The result is what you see, guruzeth hardly ever writing a post without his AC getting injured.

When he'd recovered, he said, "The hotel is just over the hill, you said?"

This is, of course, the very same beach where guruzeth and Traceh first met up and started their wacky adventure. For all guruzeth's technical excellence, the truth is Traceh was a better writer.

"Yeah, I think it is anyway," said Tracy. "We can go look... are you OK?"

guruzeth coughed a little again and dried the tears in his eyes. "Yeah," he said, rising to his knees and then his feet. "Yeah, let's go see if we're where we think we are, and if there's anyone at the hotel if it's really there."

You'll remember how the hotel was derelict and abandoned for hundreds and hundreds of posts, and within 15 posts of PSI322's showing up there guruzeth also appears there. This was no accident.

The two of them trudged side by side through the sand, 

Awwwww.

and then through the grass that began growing in spots and gradually grew thicker. The hill was farther away than they'd thought; after about a half hour they finally eclipsed the top of it, and off a thousand yards or so in the distance they saw a large building.

He probably was thinking of that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where they keep flipping back and forth, for like two full minutes, between the same five second cut of John Cleese running toward the camera and a random redshirt guard peering carefully at him.

"Is that the hotel?" asked guruzeth, peering into the fading night.

"I think it is," said Tracy, "but it looks deserted. Let's go check it out, maybe someone's there!" 

"Is that a desert?" "I think it is, but it looks dry. Let's go check it out, maybe there's water there!" 

Quickening their pace a little, the two began walking toward the building they had seen, hoping someone they knew was merely a few minutes away...

Yeah. Someone.

Posts #956-960: 11 May 2000

Post #956, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

"Well," said Poryhedron. "I'll come, but the farthest I'm going is the enterance/exit ladder. I'll stop some bad guys from coming to get you, but I'm not moving away from the ladder. Any further, within 2¾ miles of the magnet in Magnet Hill, and I'll be corrupted and sent to the closest computer to be put in the virtual Trash or Recycle Bin and deleted. It's 3 miles of sewer, for crying out loud! I might, however, see if a real trash can wasn't deplated, by Ness and his gang, of a Croissant."

I think he was going for "depleted" there, even though it doesn't make sense in context. I can think of no other possible word that even makes the slightest, most twisted sense.

Shock Bird then flew in the window.
"Besides," continued Poryhedron, "my pal Shock Bird will be with you!"
shock Bird crowed and said, [Don't you forget it! Y'all ready?]
[Yep!] said Pikachu.
"Yeah!" said Tim.
"Sorta," said Poryhedron, uneasily. "But I won't help you with the Plague Rat!"
[OK!] said Shock Bird. [Hop on my back and guide me to the enterance. I try to fly straight to the santuary and it's 'Bye-bye, Poryhederon, FOREVER!!' Plus, some force will push me back. Giygas put a shield around, but not under, Magnet Hill, according to my inspection. Not even my PSI Shield Steal could get it from the hill!]
They hopped on Shock Bird, and…

You see, this is why pokemon and its legions of 10-year-old fans were so thoroughly detested by the more vocal half of the EarthBound community at the time: because they would not stop polluting forum threads--everywhere, not just in IF, though the problem was keenest on the IF forum--with nonsense muck like you just read here. Pokemon was all they ever thought about. 

---

Post #957, by TsuramiSea

The bus to Fourside cruised along through the long and hot desert road.

He feels the need to point out the desert is hot despite the facts that (a) it is common knowledge that deserts are hot, and (b) his AC is presumably sitting inside an air conditioned bus and would not notice.

TsuramiSea sighed, sitting somewhere in the middle of the bus. There were some pretty creepy people on there, so he just kept quiet as the vehicle sailed along.

Heh, pretty creepy people. Says the Tenguling.

"Well, well, well.... hope I get to Fourside soon. Then maybe I can find a boat to Chommo, yeah...." He shifted around, trying to get comfortable in a sitting position.

His assertion that sitting is uncomfortable is curious. Many people, including myself, seek out opportunities to be in a sitting position because we find it comfortable.

He checked his goods. He had plenty of food, and his mallet, and the bracelet he had bought. He had notebooks and pencils and pens for writing and drawing, and a book or two to read. He considered himself ready. But maybe, just maybe, he'd buy a bicycle helmet in Fourside to wear for extra protection.

You have to weigh the defense bonus (+2 at default) against the increased likelihood that wandering around a major city looking like a total dork will get you unnecessarily attacked.

Riding along towards Fourside, TsuramiSea hoped to meet some more friends from SM.Net....

He closes every post with that line or something very close to it, almost ritualistically. I think it's a combination of "wants to make e-friends" and "doesn't want to participate in the Lavos stupidity right now". Even Tengulings have a little bit of free will.

---

Post #958, by EBPoo

After defeating three Krakens, the leader of the Krakens made a compromise with Poo. "If you don't attack us anymore, I will give you the Gutsy Bat," said King Kraken.

It's not that much of a prize. Apparently the Nothing Blue Drugstore stocks them these days.

"What do I do what a bat? I'm experienced in using my sword," Poo replied.

It's a good point. In EarthBound Poo can't equip anything but the Sword of Kings without losing a substantial amount of Offense.

"Well, take it anyway," King Kraken said before submerging beneath the water. Poo took the bat and threw it away.

LOL. I have to admit, I love pointless-but-entertaining posts. Almost as much as I loathe pointless-and-boring posts.

He then went up a little platform. A dark, black figure was hiding in the shadows. "So...Poo, you finally made it," said the figure in a low voice.

"Yes, I made it. So who are you?" asked Poo.

"I...am...your evil side. I was the one who talked to you when you came here," replied the voice.

"Oh. So you're my evil side...how's it going?" asked Poo.

"Nevermind that! We're out to take over the world. With my power and your intelligence, the world is ours!" declared the voice.

"So...reveal yourself already," commanded Poo. The figure stepped out of the shadows and revealed himself to look exactly like Poo. Except he was dressed in all black. "Cool look," complimented Poo.

I would think EBPoo, being villainous, would have to conquer his good side. Which would be a brief curbstomp battle, but still. Formality and all.

---

Post #959, by Traceh

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" they both screamed in unison. guruzeth stood and pulled Tracy to her feet, just in time to see the hyroglyphs come at them once more.

Seriously, the first couple times I was willing to write it off to coincidence, but it seems like there's just a little dab of touchy-feely in every guruzeth/Traceh post and it's starting to make me uncomfortable. Please to stop?

"Letts get out of here!" Tracy yelled.

Traceh is not about to be sucked into pointless battling. Good for her. Well done.

guru gave the monsters a look an said in a calm voice, "We already fell down the hole in the pyramid, if I remember correctly there are just a few more rooms in here before the hall that leads to the exit!"

No, I can't fathom why she thought it was necessary to point out how calm he was either. It's probably because, as a side effect of the Magic Insect, he's now stoned out of his mind.

guruzeth grabed her wrist and yanked in the direction of the small door.

See! There she goes again! And nobody's fooled by the wrist-not-hand maneuver. It's like she has trouble moving if her wrist/arm isn't being held.

Tracy had just enough time to toss the egg-filled bottle in her bag before they took to their heels and into the next room and down the hall, being as quiet as they could so they didnt wake up any more unwanted company.

It would make me so happy if some random poster would write "suddenly Darkton jumped out of the shadows!" Ahh, if only anyone ever read anyone else's plotline...

At the end of the tunnle they were covered in scrapes and bruises but were, for the most part, still alive.

But for a small part, dead. But only in a small part mostly dead.

Tracy tied back her hair and they looked up at the door a few feet away. "At least we got to see them!" she said. "Now I know I wont be visiting any more pyramids any time soon."

Hey, it's important in life to experience new things and learn valuable lessons. Even if most valuable lessons have to be learned the hard way.

"Say goodbye to the ancient pyramids...." guruzeth wispered.

Because they're still trying to keep quiet, I think, not because he's being dramatic.

He was not looking forward to the outside air, the sun beating down on them like an ocean of heat. Neither was Tracy, to be honest.

That actually would not bother me all that much. I have never paid much attention to temperature extremes while outdoors. Indoors, however, I am a bitch and get cranky if the temperature isn't between 69 and 71 degrees. It beats the heck out of me why.

Slowly they walked up the small flight of stairs, still quiet if only for the small sliver of a chance of danger that still lurked, emerging into the sunlight and the humid air.

You know, I wonder how long they were in that Pyramid, exactly. It was broad daylight when they entered it. I would think there's a pretty good chance it would actually be night when they walked out. In which case, as is normal for deserts, the air would actually be somewhat chilly.

---

Post #950, by SirMontyG

(Thanks for clearing that up, Osman)

"Well, let's see, if I'm gonna stop that Randite in Kyio's body and DarkTon, I'm gonna need some help.." Sir said, walking out of the spa and to the lobby.

*Ding* "Hmm, yes sir?" The man behind the counter asked

"hey, how'd ya know my name? Umm, anyways, I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how I could contact everyone on the island at once."

"Well, the PA system would be a good bet, but it may not reach everyone on the island. You could use our complimentary telepathic servace, free with the stay."

"Wow! How do I do that?"

"Just go up to your room, Turn on the TV, and turn to channel 12 1/3, and speak through the telephone."

"That's incredible! Can I get HBO?"

"No, that would cost extra."

"Okay, well thanks a lot!" Sir left a buck in the tip jar and ran up to his room.

I can't stop chuckling while I'm reading this. Major Asshole's genius is the ease with which he parodies (and skewers) ancient If traditions like Instant Telepathy.

[[SHHwhurrrrr*Click*! Is this thing on? Oh, great. *ahem* Attention all AC's! This is Sir! I'm calling for help on destroying the evil on this island so we can get back to the party we originaly started!

See, if he wanted to do that, shouldn't he just ignore all the evil and get to partying? A wise man once said, "when times are at their darkest, pal... it's a brave man that can kick back and party."

Please, if we all ban together we can destoy lavos, the randites, and an evil figure roming the island named DarkTom who promises to be quite a threat.

Ban together? guruzeth will approve of that plan.

Roundevou' at the hotel to prepare. This can be one of SM.Net's greatest moments! And remember, there's no justice like angry mob justice..Thank youwrrrrrrSSHHHH*Click*!]]
Rendezvous is the word he failed at.

As for me, I was invited to a meeting where forming a Neighborhood Watch program was being discussed. I stood up and said such a program was a waste of time and resources and would never accomplish anything useful, and instead we should form a Vigilante Mob program.

I wasn't invited to any further meetings.

Posts #941-945: 10 May 2000

Post #941, by Chris

In the hours that followed, Chris and Juliana sunbathed, swam, built sand castles, and just generally enjoyed the beach.

Chris especially was enjoying the view.

After spending most of the afternoon on the waterfront, they decided to tour the town a little bit. They visited the Scaraba Cultural Museum, and saw interesting exhibts about the ancient past of Scaraba.

Such as--I am not making this up--Ram Raisin the Fifth's training pot.

They visited Toto, and browsed among the shops there. They visited the little food carts found along the boardwalk, though they passed on the Magic Cake for now.

You might remark that you couldn't care less about any of this, but then I might point out that it's not about you, you selfish asshole. Chris is thoroughly enjoying writing this, thank you very much. Daydreaming in print is indeed much fun.

Eventually, it started getting on towards dinner time, and the two of them had made reservations at the premier restaraunt in town. Chris had rented a suit from a small shop he had found in Toto, and was preparing himself for dinner. After dressing and spending a little time looking at the ocean from his room, he set off to meet Juliana outside the restaraunt.

An interesting person would probably find something more involved to do than stare at the ocean, or at least think some kind of heavy, fascinating thoughts while staring.

---

Post #942, by Mog116

(Uh... Kay. Threed, I guess. No, wait, how bout Saturn Valley?)

Clearly he doesn't know the answer to murkkie's question, either, so he's winging it. Straight in the direction of the action, of course.

"Uh, Where're we going?" Andrew asked. [Er... I dunno. Dusty Dunes is by Saturn Valley, right?] "Isn't that where Lavos is?"
[You think we can't take his robot part?] "But isn't Lavos stronger because he has fused with Giygas?" [Er... You're right. We better not go yet.]

That is the very first time I have ever heard such ridiculous bulls---. I pray it goes unnoticed forever.

"How bout..." Neither Mog nor Andrew released that they had been walking straight at a big hole in the ground. "[Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!]" Mog and Andrew screamed. (murkkie, you tell where we are. I'm to lazy.)

I don't like even Mog116's chances in a laziness contest against murkkie.

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Post #943, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

(SS/MB opened this post by quoting Luna's last post in its entirety, which I'm not going to include here because it's a hideous waste of precious space.)

(It's Poryhedron! Not SuperSpeedy! Speaking of him, I'm going to say he'll just be sleeping in the hotel, so I no longer use him. He'll make cameos, but he isn't important to me. So I'll try to introduce Shock Bird…)

By "him" he meant SuperSpeedy. I think. He's declaring Poryhedron his primary AC now.

"Uh, Pikachu?" said Poryhedron, waking Pikachu up.
"Cha-a-a-a!" yawned Pikachu. He then said, [What?]
Poryhedron, afraid Pikachu would use an electric attack, used Conversion veriaton 2 to change his resistance to electric attacks. He then said, "You said we're going to Magnet Hill, right?"

Wouldn't it have been brighter to have electric-proofed yourself before waking up the emo electric rat? Come to think of it, if 3164 had that ability he'd probably use it to set Electric as his weakness. So he could hurt himself more.

[Yeah,] said Pikachu, who tried to shock him with a spark, but failed. [Why?]
"I'm made of computer code!" shouted Poryhedron. "I get messed up by magnets! I go, and I die! It's a suicide mission for me, I tell ya! In other words, I'm not going!"

Well, it's this close to being a good point. All he missed is that code can't be messed up by magnets. It's the physical apparatus that stores the code (disk drives) that gets messed up by magnets.

Just then, a Zapdos crashed through the window. It crowed and said, [I'll do it for ya!]
"Shock Bird!" said Poryhedron. "You made it! Pikachu, this is my friend, Shock Bird."
It crowed and said, [Pleased to meet ya!] It shook hands/talons with Pikachu.
[Thanks,] said Pikachu. [Now let me sleep.]
It crowed and said, [OK. I'll just build a nest on the ceiling. Just give a shout when it's time!]
Shock Bird used Agility! It built its nest in 10 minutes*!
(*Electric-type, and Flying-type, Pokémon are really fast. Agility lets a Pokémon double its speed. It can use Agility up to 8 times in battle, though it'd have more energy to use it.)

Unsatisfied with demonstrating through his spectacular writing how cool Pokemon is, SS/MB has added technical explanations to his proselytizing efforts.

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Post #944, by TsuramiSea

The king of remarkably long posts is back. (By 2000 standards. Just yesterday I popped into what little now remains of Starmen.Net's IF forum, and by its standards what you are about to read is a very short post. About half the average post length. This is near the top of a long list of what's wrong with IF in modern times.)

The boy arrived in Twoson and began checking everywhere, except for the Orange Kid's house, he doubted that anyone would be there. He worked his way up the town from the tunnel, and was completely unsuccessful until he reached the hospital.

TsuramiSea entered the big, white, sterile building and began to look around the lobby. He went up to the receptionist. "Say, are these visiting hours?" he questioned.

"Yes, until 5:00. Are you visiting a friend?"

"Yes, I sure am."

"I can find the room number for you. What is the person's name?"

"I don't know, I just know a friend is here," remarked Tsurami calmly, and walked upstairs, leaving the receptionist baffled.

I hope this ends up with a brawl with security. Even I can't always suppress my violent urges.

TsuramiSea looked around the hall until he saw a girl pacing around nervously. "Hello there!" he called. "Might you be one of the SM.Net members?"

The girl looked surprised for a moment, and answered, "Yeah, who are you?"

"I'm TsuramiSea! Which SM.Netter are you?"

"I'm Mani Mani," she replied. "So, you're TsuramiSea?"

Say what? I can only imagine this was planned out ahead of time, as many Tenguling posts were.

"Yes," he returned simply. "Pleased to meet you."

"Same here," said Mani Mani with a slight smile. Silence followed.

Tsurami finally found the nerve to ask a question. "So.... what's been going on? I got here LATE, when everyone was already exploring. All I know is that Lavos is here, and.... well, that's all I know."

I read the entire last 600 posts, and you're not very far off from knowing everything I know. Plus you didn't have to read the account of Liyoshi's epic battle, which lasted approximately as long as the French and Indian War but was even more pointless. So you came out ahead, really.

Mani sighed. "Well, I don't know about any others, but a person named Darth and I were traveling to find the chosen ones. Ness, Paula, and Jeff were all at a picnic in Twoson. We traveled for a while, finding Sanctuary Spots, when Lavos came. It landed in Fourside. (Ah! thought Tsurami. So that's what the hint guy meant by "the Big Banana"!) In the end, we were fighting it with Falcon24..." This came as a surprise to Tsurami, who had heard that Falcon summoned it. "... and Falcon got destroyed. Then we all attacked it, and Ness did an attack that blew away the eye, but put him into a coma. He came out of it, though, now we're waiting for Darth to come back with Poo."

I think maybe he's trying to help murkkie out by summarizing the last 600 posts in a single paragraph. It's sad to say, but he did a pretty fair job of it.

"Ah, I see," said TsuramiSea. "Is this Darth an SM.Netter too?"

"Yes," said Mani. "As a matter of fact.... he's Jack!"

TsuramiSea did his blinking bit again. "Jack is here, is he.... it would certainly be an amusing scene to meet him..." TsuramiSea giggled mischievously to himself. Then he said, "Well, I really should get back to looking for the others. It was nice to meet you though, Mani Mani."

The Tenguling worship of their Glorious Leader was just this side of a crush. Let's move on.

"Same here," she said.

"And hope you find Poo!" called Tsurami, as he went down the stairs.

Outside of the hotel, Tsurami considered his next move. "Well, other friends are in Summers, Scaraba, and Lumine Hall cave. I could reach those places, they're all in Chommo. But, I'll need a boat from Fourside or something, I'm still on Eagleland! On top of that, I've only been as far as Threed!"

You're probably confused, so let me explain: "Chommo" is the name Tengu Man came up with for the non-Eagleland areas of the EarthBound world. Yes, I know it sounds stupid. No, no one outside the Tenguling Brigade will ever pay any attention to it. We done here?

He gave a little sigh of resignation. "Dusty Dunes Desert, here I come...." He began walking down the street towards the Chaos Theater, but had a bright idea. "Wait! I can take the bus! Just 'cause I never use it in the game, doesn't mean I can't use it now!" Ready for a bus ride, Tsurami took off for the bus station.

Long trips on a bus are not really something to look forward to, in my experience. And I have more experience in the matter than I'd like.

[This message has been edited by TsuramiSea (edited 05-10-2000).]

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Post #945, by Little Yoshi

(Mog, I forgot I got Magnet Hill! Anyway, Pikachu needs our help, and don't know this Shock bird character, so I think Nathan and I might be useful)

You know, it's a little sad that SS/MB thought "Shock Bird" was an imaginative name for a Zapdos.

"I think Mog is back, so, I'll give him back his stuff," Tim said, and teleported Mog's stuff(yep, all of it) to Mog.

Hey, don't look at me like that. The shorter Liyoshi's posts are, the happier I'll be.

Posts #906-910: 8 May 2000

Post #906, by Little Yoshi

Tim, feeling unwanted by his SM.Net friends, decided to call his mom.

I don't know which is the more disturbing (or funny, if you're sick) aspect of Liyoshi's Denial of Reality Disorder, that he thinks he has friends, or that he thinks he'll ever make a friend with the ungodly drivel he's been cranking out.

"Hello?"
"Hi, Mom, this Tim!"
"Oh, hi Tim! Howya doin'?"
"I'm fine, and I believe Chris is too," Tim replied.
"Well, I gotta go, see ya!" *click*

After the phone call, Tim realized that most of his Starmen.Net friends were in their Magicants, or, as he found out mysteriously, all in one Magiant. Then he remembered Nathan, and decided to find his whereabouts.

I do have to give him credit for resisting the Magicant urge..... so far.

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Post #907, by Pikachu3164

[Umm... Poryhedron? I'm getting kind of impatient waiting for Luna and waffle, so I'm going to get going now.] Pikachu had been waiting for a while, while Luna and waffle discussed if they wanted Pikachu and Poryhedron to visit. After all, it was there Magicant.

Best as I can tell, Luna's post was apparently too painful for him to confront directly so he's pretending it didn't happen.

"Where are you going?" asked Poryhedron.

[I'm going to get the rest of the melodies for my Sound Stone.]

"What if Luna and waffle decide to they want us to visit?"

[Just scream really really loud. I'll hear you.]

Yeah, you can tell just reading this ten years later he knew as well as you and I do that wasn't happening.

----------
Pikachu ran to the Sea of Eden. Dark Pikachu gave him a special device that could return him to Magicant anytime he wanted. I think it's called the Oynx Hook. It's in Mother 1.

Dark Pikachu appears to be like Frank, or Croco from Super Mario RPG, recognizing his better and becoming helpful after you kick his ass.

He ended up in Happy Happy Village.

Pikachu's mind started thinking of 50 gazillion things at once. [I guess I'm getting Lilliput Steps! Ohh! I wonder if any of the houses are still blue! I love blue! Blue blue! Okay. I'm going. Ohh! I need to shop first!]

Pikachu ran into the Nothing Blue Drugstore. Seconds later, throughout the town, people heard a loud psychic yell.

I am impressed that 3164 knew about the Nothing Blue Drugstore, which is information gleaned from an unimportant sign and which you actually would have to have played EarthBound attentively to know about.

[YOU DON'T CARRY PEANUT CHEESE BARS? WHAT KIND OF STORE DOESN'T HAVE PEANUT CHEESE BARS! ARRRRGGGHHH! I'M LEAVING!]

And then, (a mad) Pikachu finally headed into the Lilliput Caves.

I honestly think this is the very best post 3164 has produced to date. Credit where credit's due, my friends. And the overall post quality on the Gathering, after a long doldrums, is swiftly on the rise now.

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Post #908, by Mog116

(PSI MOOGLE????? That's MY specail PSI... Ah, Keep it)

For somebody that said he's taking his ball and going home, Mog116 sure does watch this thread intensely.

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Post #909, by TsuramiSea

TsuramiSea arrived in Threed in no time. "Well, I'm here," he stated mostly to himself. He began to search the town, having a good time. He went to the bakery and bought a Skip Sandwich for later. Then, he started looking for other Starmen.Net visitors. He checked the pizza parlor, nothing. He checked the graveyard, nothing. (He swore he could hear assorted groans, though.) He checked the circus, nothing. (But he sure enjoyed the show!)

If I wanted to find a Starmen.Netter in Threed, I'd just walk the underground path and make for Saturn Valley. Somewhere in there is where they'd be, looking for conflict or Mr. Saturns, whichever comes first. 

And Saturn Valley is definitely where I would be going, because it seems the Mr. Saturns are easily enslaved.

"Pfffft! What is this?" grumbled Tsurami as he walked across the town. "I came to this island to meet other people from SM.Net, and all I've met are evil dogs, salespeople, a pretend inventor, and women who can't manage their stress! This is dumb." He came to a small yellow house in the corner, between the graveyard and the forest.

I like to pretend he was thinking of Mog116 and Liyoshi when he referred to "women who can't manage their stress". Also Falcon24 and guruzeth, but we haven't yet reached the point where they will manifest why I brought them up here.

"Hey, maybe it's the hint shop... I'll take a look." The boy went into the house, only to see a guy with a really long hair sticking straight up on his head, with glasses, and sitting behind a counter that advertised hints.

I used to use the sprite editor to erase the N from the Hint Man's sign. So he would become a Hit Man. I thought this was very funny.

The man noticed him. "Now wait just a minute, youngster!" he cried. "I could sell you a really great hint for only $75! So, what do you say?"

In Threed hints cost $60, actually. They're $75 in Fourside.

Tsurami responded, "Sure!" and handed over the money. The hint man took a deep breath, and said....

"Something weird is going on, because a big spiky thing fell from the sky, and rests in the Big Banana. Your friends are here, but most of them are too lost in their own thoughts to come to you.

Truer words have never been written. I'm starting to grow fond of TsuramiSea. For the time being he's in the "posters I like" bin with Major Asshole and Chris.

The others are exploring in dangerous areas. You'll have to be a little more gutsy to reach them. Oh, and in Twoson, Summers, Scaraba, and Lumine Hall cave, currently, are the people you talk to the most on that site. If you feel like the travel, go give them a visit."

"Is that it?"

"That's all. Thanks for your patronage!"

That is WAY more elaborate of a hint that you ever got from that guy in EarthBound.

"Sure, and thanks for the information!" TsuramiSea left. "Lost in their own thoughts, spiky thing, Big Banana..... what does it all mean? Well, some friends are in Twoson, where I just came from, Summers, Scaraba, and Lumine Hall cave." Tsurami thought for a moment. "Well, only one of those is easy / not too dangerous to get to from here. So away I go!" Tsurami returned to the Two-Three tunnel to search for SM.Netters in Twoson.

As with 3164 before, I will tip my hat to Tsurami for knowing semi-obscure EarthBound information obtainable only from a random sign, namely the name of the Twoson-to-Threed tunnel. Well done, Tsurami. (And I know you're reading this, Tsurami, because you've found this blog searching google for 'TsuramiSea'. Feel free to say hello!)

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Post #910, by Pikachu3164

Guess what! Pikachu3164 has yet another question!

You can tell this is out-of-character because he's not using those thrice-damned $DEITY-forsaken less-than-greater-than symbols.

Okay, where exactly is Lavos, anyway!? I've heard reports of him being in Saturn Valley, others of him in Fourside, etc.

Would the Supreme Ruler of Wherever Lavos Is tell me where he is?

I actually think he was knowingly referring to Tengu Man here.

I need to know because if he's in Stonehenge, Saturn Valley, or Fourside, it's going to conflict with me getting melodies.

Another Quick Question - Did Falcon die during the battle with Lavos?

As a person with a vested interest in comedy value, I really, really hope not.

Thank you. Again.

[This message has been edited by Pikachu3164 (edited 05-08-2000).]