Posts #477-480: 23 April 2000

Post #477, by Falcon24

(alright everyone, I wanted to use my Sound Sapper idea anyway(the device which records a melody and then subsequently destroys the sanctuary, making it impossible for anyone else to take the power of that sanctuary. If anyone has any objections to this please say so and I'll change my post. also Note: I don't exactly recall if Magnet Hill has been taken, please correct me if it has been.)

See, I tried to warn those guys that this kind of thing would happen, that someone would jump in ahead of them. One of the worst mistakes in IF is to declare your plan, but not finish the plan in the same post; you make it practically certain, if there are oppositely aligned writers, that one of them will jump in ahead of you and ruin your plan. This can get amusing when genre-savvy writers start facing off against each other:

Writer 1: Writer 1's plan is this, and he starts setting it in action...
Writer 2: Writer 2 cleverly jumps in, steals the Macguffin Writer 1 was about to acquire, and absconds!
Writer 1: Pleased that his daring and brilliant ploy to trick Writer 2 worked, Writer 1 now goes and gets the Macguffin he was really after.
Writer 2: ...only to discover Writer 2 had already switched it with a fake!
Writer 1: Even more pleased that Writer 2 fell right into his trap again, Writer 1...

And so on.

Falcon tosses a large handful of snow at Poo as he dissappears in the distance. "Forget you too! I could've gotten that sanctuary a lot faster if you didn't slow me down!" Falcon stands there, thinking for a moment.

"There has to be one unclaimed sanctuary...if I could get it, I'd gain the upper hand..." Falcon ponders for a while. Then he snaps his fingers. "Yes...wasn't there a sanctuary in Fourside? Magnet Hill, I believe...Why, I could just hop the wall and get it, no need to go through that stinky sewer!"

He's got a point there. Why in hell didn't Team Ness just jump the damn wall? What, he thought slogging threw a goddamned sewer would be more fun?

Falcon pulls a device out of his pocket. "It's a good thing a 'relieved' Luna and co. of this little thing, it proved useful."

Falcon aims the device at a wall just outside the Rainy Circle cave, and a large blue temperal rift appears. Falcon walks towards it, and dissappears.

It's just so much more badass than PSI Teleport.

He arrives almost instantaneously in Fourside, right next to Magnet Hill. "A quick hop and I'm there!" Falcon digs his claws into the wall face and pulls himself up. "Yes! Made it! I can already feel the power!" Just then something large and dirty smacks him in the forehead and he falls onto the other side of the Sanctuary, where the Plague Rat of Doom awaits.

"So, you have come to claim my power! We shall see..." The rat bellowed. Falcon simply laughed. "Don't try to frighten me, you pathetic excuse for sewer scum! I'm a LOT more evil than you are, that's undisputed." Falcon maneuvered behind the cumbersome rat and lit a Multi Bottle Rocket under his rear. The Rocket went off!

This is what NPC's are for. You taking notes?

"Bai bai..." Falcon waved as the Plague Rat of Doom sailed into the distance. Falcon approached Magnet Hill. "Wow!! What intense power...I can feel it pulling me in! Now...how to absorb this?" Suddenly, the receiver phone rang. Falcon answered it. "Hi! This is the Kumquat Kid, Apple Kid's evil twin! I created a great invention! It can absorb the power of sanctuaries, just like the Sound Stone...although it has the drawback of totally devastating the sanctuary itself. I call it the Sound Sapper! What do you think?"

The... Kumquat Kid. Right. Every time I hear the word 'kumquat', I immediately think of the weirdo escaped murderer dude in Problem Child (I think), played by Cosmo Kramer. That was awesome.

"Excellent, send it right over." As soon as Falcon closed the reciever phone an Escargo Express delivery man rushed in and delivered the Sound Sapper. "This is great!" Falcon exclaimed. "Now the power of the sanctuaries will be mine!!!"

I'm starting to think he's quoting lines from the Clichéd Villains Handbook on purpose.

Falcon thumbed a switch on the side of the small device, and it began to hum. The tranquil sanctuary music around him began to fluctuate and become distorted. A large gust of wind followed, and then all was silent.

Falcon checked the Sound Sapper. It registered that the melody of Magnet Hill had been recorded. "Yes...it is mine. Now...on to Pink Cloud." Falcon opened another temperal rift and passed through it. As he trancended time and space to his next destination, he could here the mezmerizing hum of Magnet Hill fade behind him as he was sped away from it.

And then, Magnet Hill stopped glowing, and all things magnetized around it came crashing to the ground...

You know what we're still lacking? Any kind of explanation for why Falcon24 (a) wants to thwart the activities of the rest of the AC gang, beyond being antisocial, and (b) why exactly he wants melodies. He's an AC; he's already infinitely powerful, and can make up any reason why that tickles his fancy.

By the way, this long post followed EBPoo's post by 15 minutes, making it all but certain their separation was indeed staged.

[This message has been edited by Falcon24 (edited 04-23-2000).]

Post #478, by PSI322

Juliana walked up towards the old graveyard and happened upon the remains of the old Sky Runner. With a little help from the locals, she was able to repair it and use it to fly to Winters, where she crash-landed near Stonehenge. Anxiously, she stepped out and brushed herself off. It was time to enter Stonehenge and look for Tim and whoever else was around.

This is how you get to the point, Chris. No need for three paragraphs of boring dreck about the specifics of how to repair the Sky Runner or fly it.

Juliana went into Stonehenge slowly, taking her time as she came down the ladder. She started to look for Tim...

[This message has been edited by PSI322 (edited 04-23-2000).]

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Post #479, by loid

This post is pretty short, too, but what the hell, we'll count it. It'll help keep his averages down a little, make him look better.

"Ok, since we cant tell where we entered from, we'll have to split up." said Sir

'Okay' or 'OK', not 'Ok'; 'can't'; no period, once again. loid doesn't really do sentence-ending punctuation that much. That's 1 and 2.

"I'll go across the ledge there, Psioman will go through that corrido there, Kiyo will grapple across the celling over that barrier, and that leaves anthadd who will slosh through the raw sewage"
"Ah nuts"

PSIOsman, not Psisoman; 'corridor'; 'ceiling'; 'Anthadd'; missing comma that should be after 'Anthadd'; two missing periods. That's 3 misspellings, 9 errors.

while everyone went in different directions, kiyo attached giant suction cups to his hand and feet to stick to the ceiling, that way he was able to go over a stack of barrels.

He established in the last paragraph (and elsewhere) that 'Kiyo' should be capitalized, but since it's his own AC's name I won't ding him for going back and forth on it. That said... no capitalization; comma where there should be a semicolon. That's 3 and 11. I overlooked like three or four other things I could have dinged him for. Can you spot them?

"ROAR!"
"What was that?"
Kiyo saw the rat clearly, but it didnt see him. He got his pistol, turned on the laser light thingy, and aceently flashed it in the rats eyes.

'Didn't'; and I don't know what 'aceently' is supposed to be. 'Accidentally', maybe? That's 4 and 12.

"Uh oh, its pretty ticked off now. What the... AHHHH! (SPLASH). Ewww, sewage"
(A little help here?)

'It's'; the period should be inside the close-paren; no period. Final tally for this post: 4 misspellings, 15 grammatical errors. His totals to date: 8 posts; 34 misspellings (4.25 per post); 114 grammatical errors (14.25 per post).

This was posted 7 minutes after Falcon24's post, so it's clear loid didn't see Falcon24's post before he started working on his own, as Falcon24's post is very long and thus would have taken loid more than 7 minutes just to read. I'm going to hazard a guess Falcon24's going to win any arguments.

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Post #480, by PsycoPyro

After fighting something while leaving the Giant Step, I suddenly feel weird. A voice inside my head...
"... destroy everything you see..! Mani Mani Statue owns you!"
I looked at Jenny strangely and tried to stop. something evil slips into my mind and I am no longer able to control of myself
"Jenny!" I shouted and choked weakly. "Run!"

That sounds like something you'd say if you were at least partially in control of yourself.

Also: Ripping off Liyoshi's idea? Really?

"huh?" She said and I darted after her.

We ran out of the caves and into the street of Onett. I was crazy, but never this crazy! something was wrong as if I was brainwashed. i held a deadly mind and I was willing to attack my own friend... my other side of my mind (the good side) that was suffocating wanted to stop and cried out. the voice that told me to stop only echoed. I ran after Jenny insanely as she screamed for help. but I was the one who needed it and I knew what had caused the Brainwash...

OK, whatever, kid. You go ahead and deal with that. Meanwhile, the rest of us are going to just continue on as if this post never happened.

Posts #472-476: 23 April 2000

Post #472, by PSI322

(Note: This is what we call INTERACTIVE Fiction, which means that anything you want can happen. That's why it's interactive. There seems to be some problems involving who is allowed to absorb a sancutary's power around here, and I say that anything is possible. This is FICTION, after all, not real life!)

~PSI322, Administrator - Starmen.Net

I so called it.

[This message has been edited by PSI322 (edited 04-23-2000).]

Guess I have to ban her for not posting any content. :(

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Post #473, by Chris

Chris is just forging ahead, not waiting for PSI322 to post. Note that PSI322 posted an admin edict, but no story content, a pretty clear indication that she's intentionally not posting right now.

When Chris awoke, he found himself in a place he didn't expect. Instead of in a green glass tube, he was in "the next room," the room where Starman Deluxe commanded the base. In front of him was a Starman, as well as a shadow in the background he couldn't make out.

"Now, *whirr*, tell us why you are here." the starman said, in a metallic voice.

"Well, I don't know why I'm here in the Stonehenge Base, but as to why I'm--"

He was cut off by the Starman, "How do you know that you are in Stonehenge! You know too much, *beep*, and are too dangerous. Guards, take him *click* away."

And with that, he found himself where he originally expected: In a green glass tube. On the inside was a timer; Chris soon realized that he only had, at best, a few hours of air. He could only pray that someone get to him quickly, before he suffocated.

What, did he buy 3164's personality off of EBay or something? His cries for attention are getting pretty annoying. I say let him suffocate. Who's bloody with me!?

[This message has been edited by Chris (edited 04-23-2000).]

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Post #474, by PSI322

Juliana continued her psychic call to Tim. [I'll be in Winters as soon as I can. I'm in Saturn Valley presently, but I'll find a way to get there.]

Tim nodded, even though he knew that Juliana couldn't see him. [All right, I'll see you soon then.]

Juliana packed her things and fled Saturn Valley immediately. She feared for Chris's life, so she knew it was imperative that she travel quickly. She ran over to Threed and wondered how she would get to Winters from there...

Not much of a post, just kind of a 'Yeah, I'm coming, don't kill yourself just yet' notice for Chris.

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Post #475, by Little Yoshi

Tim decided to go ahead and try to start his way in. After decending the lader into the base, he walked along the neon path until he found...an iron eraser-shaped statue!

Maybe he should start his way into the Webster's Dictionary, ne?

Tim whacked it with the Masamune,

Unintentional or intentional double-entendre?

but that had no effect. He repeated this a few times, not getting the response he wanted from the statue. In his rage, he threw the pencil-eraser at it, but that had no effect. Finally, he Leap Slashed it. Still didn't work.
"Duh!" He said, and Leap Slashed over it. from behind, he found a button that was labeled "Lower". He pushed it, and the statue was lowered. Then he was lowered to the ground by a crushing blow from behind. The guard, a Starman Plus, had attacked him.
He sprang up, and felt a gun in his back.He then thought to himself "So I'll be captured along with Chris?" He then murmered" I need the power of Rainy Circle!" The Sound Stone started to glow. A water blast hit the guard in the back, and he was defeated. Tim then decided he'd wait there for Juliana, unless she told him to do something else.

See, this is how IF works, SS/MB. You just make s--- up as you go along and to hell with how EarthBound says stuff is supposed to work.

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Post #476, by EBPoo

"GRRRRRR!" growls Poo after Tim steals the Rainy Circle melody. Poo and Falcon meet outside at Stonehenge to discuss what just happened. "Jeez, Falcon! If you were quicker, we could've gotten the spot. But instead that Fobby guy and Tim took the spot! I'm tired of working with you. I'm leaving, ya dumb bird." With that, Poo shoves Falcon into a bank of snow and walks into Dr. Andonuts's lab with anger in his eyes.

That was, um... interesting. Staged? My gut tells me it's staged.

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Posts #467-471: 23 April 2000

Post #467, by Little Yoshi

(uhhhh, Falcon, you could just go after your sanctuary #9, but if you want to leave, we won't stop you, or at least, I won't)

I don't know what this is in response to. It seems like it's in response to Falcon24's post #467, below and ten minutes after this one; but there's no indication it was edited. That said, the edited message indication didn't always appear.

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Post #468, by Falcon24

(I have a question...what is to say that more than one person cannot absorb the power of the sanctuaries?

Those of you who purchased 'ignore Liyoshi and tap some power himself' tickets, please come to the counter! Falcon24 already tried rips--- pissed off once, so this time he's going with rules lawyering. Solid move.

This is supposed to be an island resembling Eagleand after all, this isn't the real Earthbound.

Tell that to Tengu Man, who decided and dictated like 200 posts ago that it is.

If it was, no one would be allowed to absorb the sanctuaries, because if you recall ever going to a shining spot without Ness it says "Only Ness can absorb the power of this place."

Yep. Been there, said that, got the T-shirt, at least 100 posts ago. You are precisely correct.

Therefore, this is a matter of a technicality. Can anyone clarify this?)

Why, yes, Falcon24 is now a professional lawyer. Why do you ask?

Sadly I wasn't around at this time; if I was, I very well might have ruled that Falcon24 is correct and everyone will have to find something else to do. Seriously, I might have, even though it would have meant the end of the Gathering and gotten PSI322 incredibly pissed off at me. I mean, it's been ten years now and I'm still mildly irritated about the whole thing. If PSI makes any ruling at all, it will of course be that, well, it doesn't make sense, but that's what's happening now so you're just going to have to run with it.

Remember that, while Falcon24 is clever, he's an IF n00b. An IF veteran knows that it's far wiser to just go ahead and do what you're questioning (take the power anyway, in Falcon's case), because by the time the admin gets around to seeing the question, you'll be deeper into the storyline and it will be more difficult to reverse. That goes quadruple for a thread moving as fast as this one.

[This message has been edited by Falcon24 (edited 04-23-2000).]

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Post #469, by loid

This is a very short post, so we won't be counting grammar mistakes. Although as you're about to see, if we did, it wouldn't hurt his average much.

(Oh he's coming back, probobly)

Referring to Falcon24. Now I understand based on this and #466, Falcon24's original #467 surely was another rip---- pissed off rant and threat to leave; and after a couple of posters responded to that, 'don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, and good riddance', he changed tactics and edited the post to an appeal to PSI322.

Like the vast majority of four-year-olds, when Falcon24 is throwing a tantrum, his faculties are actually completely under control; he's making a calculated move aimed at getting what he wants. It's a very smart and very effective tactic. Too bad most of us are too timid to employ it once we're past the age where tantrums are considered normal.

It was about midnight and while everyone was asleep, a dark figure jumped off the roof of the fourside museem on a bunnge that stopped at the correct floor, he then got a laser cutter and cut through the glass. Inside was the room with acees to the sewers

ACES!!!!

but before going for it he droped a smoke bomb reveling dozens of invisible laser alarms. After ducking through these he entered the sewers, took off his helmet and....
"Phew! Just like in "Entrapment!" said kiyo.

Shorter, better version of this post: 'kiyo snuck into the Fourside sewers via the Museum late at night, the same way the heroes of 'Entrapment' did it.' But again, though he's bad at it right now, loid is plainly spreading his wings and trying to make a writer of himself, so cut him some slack.

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Post #470, by Little Yoshi

(Falcon, I have no authority, but it sounds quite possibile for multiple beings to have Sanctuary power)

Wish I were there to just delete every post that contains no story content. Here Little Yoshi is yielding to Falcon24's formidable will, which, since his beef was with Liyoshi in the first place, effectively settles that question. That means that the story suddenly has no foundation; its foundation had been 'race to get the melodies before Falcon24 does!' Now, if it wants to stick to the same general idea, it has to be 'kill Falcon24 before he gets the melodies!', which is of course impossible. So it's eventually going to have to go a whole new direction, but I expect for now everyone will put off dealing with that problem, and continue happily collecting melodies.

As I've mentioned before, I recollect from when I was actually there that there was a big to-do about Falcon24 summoning Lavos and everyone trying to fight him, so I presume that's how this problem was eventually solved.

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Post #471, by SirMontyG

After hitching a ride from Summers to Fourside (we made a call to a helecopter service, or something, you're smart, you make up something )

Haha. Once again, I find myself chuckling at Major Asshole, who seems the closest thing to the genre-aware IF poster I dreamed of earlier. He makes no bones about his Deus Ex Machinae.

Anthadd, Psiosman and Sir ready the bungee set up on the Monotoli Building.
"Ready, guys?"
"Sure, why not?" Was the reply given to Sir.
The three lean over towards the museum's roof and let gravity do the rest. After about 5 seconds of freefall, the three launch a Grappeling Hook towards Fourside Museum. Pulling themselves in, they cut their cords and break through the ventilation shaft on top of the roof.
"Phew! Just like in Goldeneye!" Said Sir.

LOL @ deliciously assholish parody of loid's post.

"Alright, let's make our way to the sewer enterence." and after a bit of espionage, they make it to their checkpoint. "Good, now make sure not to be seen. This whole ordeal is getting real complicated, so consider anyone your enemy, right Kiyo?"

"Right, Sir!"

"Ok, now when w...wait, Kiyo? What are you doing here?"

"Probably the same thing you're trying to do. I got a message from Pikachu and a piece of the sound stone telling me to get the melodies"

"Did he tell you why?" Anthadd asked

"Nope. But I'm doing it anyway, why? Is Pikachu bad or somthing?"

No, just emo. It's a subtle difference, but there's a difference.

"No, Pikachu's good, I think. Falc and Poo are the evil ones, or so I've heard, but then again we really can't tell either way. Ugh!" Sir holds his head in pain "I just don't get why we're doing all this! Who are we fighting? What's the point?!?"

Who the hell cares who's supposed to be 'evil' or why? I'm with Major Asshole on this one.

"Whoa, calm down Sir!" kiyo said "Let's just get this melody and then we can figure out what to do with it, okay?"

"Oy..alright. You said you had a piece of the stone?"

"Right here!" Kiyo showed the three a small, humming orb

"Cool, lets see what happens when ya put the peice with the 7th melody on it with yours. We just got back from the hall and Chris and Juliana took half a piece and so did we." After so many splittings the stone that Sir had was no bigger than a golf ball, but when it came in contact with Kiyo's, it combined and became a little bigger than an average piece. Osman noticed something odd about the stone: "Look! There's a Ninth Sanctuary somewhere!"

"Man, this is getting interesting!" Said Sir

And by 'interesting' he means 'uninteresting.'

No, actually, the Gathering has always been, and still remains, quite fascinating. They should be able to milk quite a bit of amusement out of the Ninth Sanctuary business.

[This message has been edited by SirMontyG (edited 04-23-2000).]

Posts #461-466: 23 April 2000

(NOTE: I screwed up the numbering here and only realized it when I reached the end of the page. It's a lot easier to just run six posts here and four on the last post of the page, rather than copying/pasting crap to fix it, so there you go.)

Post #461, by Dr. Andonuts

"Pikachu, as long as you are making Sound Stones, you might as well send one to Tim," said Nathan. "You never know, he might find a Sanuary Location."
Pikachu broke the Sound Stone in half and sent one of the halfs to Tim.
"Now we can continue on towards Titanic Ant, if everybody if here," said Nathan.

How did he send one to Tim? Magic? And if your magics are that conveniently useful, why do you even need the damn things?

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Post #462, by Tengu Man/Makron

Ness, Paula, Jeff, Darth and Mani thanked the lower village elder and proceeded onto the Fire Springs.

Onto the Fire Springs? That's gotta hurt.

"I don't understand how Diamond Dog could be neutral in this." Ness pondered what Darth had told him about Carbon Dog earlier.

Look at me look at me! I know something Ness doesn't know! Aren't I cool?

I have to begrudgingly admit: Tengu was pretty good at the IF game.

"Maybe we'll find out soon enough." Mani said as they enter the cave of the Springs.

Tense fail. Go with either 'says as they enter' or 'said as they entered'.

Many of the monsters were actually pretty easy, even for just Ness, Paula and Jeff alone, unlike those in some of the other sancutary caves.

"Is it me, or have they become easier than I thought?" Darth was ponderous on the situation as they climbed the rope to Carbon Dog...

Tengu's way of saying 'f--- you' to pogopunk and anyone who pays attention to his nonsense about the enemies being stronger.

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Post #463, by Chris

"Incredible! It's even more amazing than when you see it in the video game!" Juliana exclaimed.

Yes. Even with modern graffix, real life tends to look even more realistic than video games.

"I know. What should we see first?" Chris replied.

"I don't know. Everything!"

And so, the two started exploring Saturn Valley. They visited the doctor, the hotel,and the shop; they entered the cave where the Mr. Saturns sometimes like to talk; they stood on the little mound above Saturn Valley.

Sometimes the Mr. Saturn (the plural is Mr. Saturn, not Mr. Saturns) don't talk at all, and instead stare at you with a distant, vaguely psychotic look in their eyes for hours on end. Just depends which day you show up.

They visited the hot springs and drank Saturian coffee.

Saturnian, one presumes he meant to write.

Finally, it was time to set off to face Trillongage Sprout.

Trillionage. F---, is everyone taking classes at the Loid Academy?

Soon, the two of them were fighting Ranboobs, Tough Mobile Sprouts, and the like.

Which makes no sense because they all disappeared when Ness whacked Trillionage Sprout a long time ago. Well, I suppose it makes sense, if you accept the premise that (a) Trillionage Sprout is back now and (b) This has something to do with Chris/Juliana/Assorted Other AC's, that the Ranboobs, etc. would also be around.

I guess I ought to quit bitching about this and just accept it as it is.

They fought their way through the cave, and out into the narrow valley beyond. There, they encountered more enemies, and started weakening.

"Well, I'm glad I picked up a few peanut cheese bars back at the shop." Chris said.

What we need is an AC with some genre awareness. 'Well, I'm glad I'm an AC!'

They stopped and ate for a minute or two, then continued on. They entered the final cave, and found a Coin of Slumber that Chris took and equipped.

OK, sorry, but I really have to bitch again. Ness took that Coin of Slumber a long time ago. WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT IT BACK?

They saw a Shining Spot ahead, and, after wishing each other luck, spoke to it.

Suddenly, an explosion of color surronded them. When the color cleared, they found themselves face to snout with a living landfill. THIS was Trillongage Sprout.

He did it again! He apparently really thinks it's spelled 'Trillongage'.

The battle was difficult, but Juliana and Chris emerged the victors.

To be honest, I like this a lot better than reading a page full of 'Chris dodged quickly! Juliana attacked! 118 HP of damage to Trillionage Sprout!' You're AC's, we know you aren't going to lose (or if you do it won't actually harm you in any meaningful way), let's just say 'we win' and move on with it. I can respect that.

Ideally you'd write a compelling battle scene, but that's beyond the grasp of this crew, so Chris's way really is best.

They stepped beyond the cave, and approached the Milky Well. The Sound Stone absorbed the melody, and they drank from the well to recover themselves. They returned the way they came, through the caves, and returned to Saturn Valley.

During the night, while most of the Mr. Saturn's were asleep, Chris left the hotel to take a walk around the village. It was such a peaceful place; so beautiful, so quite.

Here you should think of Tim the Enchanter saying, 'Quiiiiiiiiite.' and then setting off a bunch of explosions.

A wonderful place to build a home. Perhaps, when this little adventure was over with, he would live here, in Saturn Valley.

I'd reckon the Saturn Valley Zoning Board had better start preparing for one hell of a population explosion. Also: Whatever happened to all the angsting about staying at the island or going home to your dear worried friends and family? Seems like at least Chris got over it and said to hell with the friends and family pretty quick.

It started as a rustle of wind, and Chris didn't pay any attention to it. Soon, though, he noticed that none of the trees were moving, yet the sound was getting louder. He turned around just in time to see a Starman grabbing him and taking flight through the air. "HELP!!!" was all he managed to get out before Saturn Valley was out of sight, and Chris realised that he could only be headed one place: The Starmen Operation Base, directly beneath Stonehenge.

This would be a great time for PSI to develop selective amnesia and forget he exists. I'd love to see how Chris would react to that.

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Post #464, by Little Yoshi

Tim quickly ducked behind the Foppy King with the Sound Stone, and recieved the power of Rainy Circle!
After that, he ran for his life, thinking Falcon and EBPoo would not be pleased with him getting the power of Rainy Circle.

This guy really fails at IF. That's just god-awful. F--- Falcon24 and EBPoo; more to the point, you can't access Rainy Circle until you've ended the existence of Shrooom!, who is kind of blocking the way to it. (Unless you tunnel through the wall, perhaps.) It's more or less even money whether Falcon24 just ignores him and takes a hit of that power himself anyway, or gets rips--- pissed off and throws a tantrum.

He suddenly, got a psychic call
[Tim...Tim! Chris was kidnapped by a Starman, and has probably been taken to Stonehenge Base. Your in Winters, right? You need to help him!]It was from Juliana.

Who there is no evidence at all can use telepathy.

[Will do! Hey, are you gonna help me?]Tim replied.(only for Juliana to decide)

The sad thing is you kind of needed those apparently idiotic tags, to prevent some moron from trying to make the decision for you. However, what I don't get is how, say, Chris can decide on Major Asshole and Anthadd's behalves that they want to split off and form their own group, with no input from them. Why's that OK, but for, say, EBPoo to drop in and decide whether Juliana wants to help Chris is not? Anyone?

[Luna, just wanted to suggest that once you're done with Lilliput Steps, you should go to Pink Cloud, since you have the Frankling Badge.]

These were the days before private message systems on forums. I can only imagine the way people would plan things out pages in advance if we had those, but back in 2000, there was no easy way to contact people who didn't provide contact information (and most people didn't).

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Post #465, by SirMontyG

"Hee hee, I wonder why Chris and Juiliana wanted to go one there own..."

*NO ROMANTIC INUENDOS IN THE IF FORUM* stated the booming, omnipotent voice from above.

"Sorry, sorry!" Sir repented. "Okay, so they want us to take out the Plague Rat, easy enough, but how do we get there?"

Hahahaha. He wasn't given much choice in the matter, but that's a pretty good riposte by Major Asshole. It's just enough to irritate PSI322 while giving her no clear opportunity to respond, either as the forum god or as an IF writer. Chris is too timid to respond to any such attack anyway, so he doesn't matter.

"If my engine hadn't gone out I'd use my starship" Osman stated

"And none of us know PSI teleport..." Anthadd added.

"What about Dungon Man's sub? No wait, that's in Scarabia.." Sir thought

"We could call for help, oh wait..Specter took out the Weird Junk stuff which included the phone.." Osman pondered

Again, you can tell this is pretty old, because no mention at all is made of cell phones. It was only ten years ago, but cell phones were not really known technology to 13 year olds then. If this were written today, at bare minimum you'd get 'I can't get a cell signal here' or 'looks like Electro Specter trashed my phone.' And instead of constant telepathy spamming, you'd get txtn.

"We could ask for a ride telepathicaly, but that could take forever.." Anthadd tried

"Well, we've ruled out just about eveything, heh, we could swim for it.."

"Across an ocean? That's crazy, Sir!"

"Hmm, any other ideas?" Anthadd asked

"...
WAIT! I think, yes they are!" Sir took a flyer out of his back pocket
"Lets see, April..April...here we go: Runaway 5's No Running Back Tour stops in Deep Darkness April 19-23! They could still be there!!"
Hurring out Tenda Vilage, the three headed to the civilized portion of Deep Darkness.

I have to admit, that's fairly creative, coming up with some semi-important portion of EarthBound nobody's snagged yet. His spelling is still god-awful, though.

"...but freedom, freedom's what we've really sought! Woo, baby! oh ya!" Lucky scremed at the end of the song. The croud of monkeys and legit busnesmen erupts with applause
"Well, it's been great, but we're outa here, baby! Catch us next.." "Waiiitt!!" A distant cry is heard

*Pant* Pant* "whew, you guys are lifesavers, you know that?"
"Scruffy! what yall doin down here?" the Drummer asked
"Scruffy?" Andthadd and Psiosman in unison
"uh..heh, that's just my nickname..urAnyways, We could really use a lift, think you could help us out?"
"Sure, man!" The sax guy said, "but we're only headed to Summers, would you need to go there?"
"It's better than staying here!" Anthadd said "Besides, from there we can get supplies and use a phone."
"Then let's get movin! oh ya!"
The Runaway 5, plus the three guests all piled into the black bus and headed for the water.
"Ok, guys roll up your windows, I bet it's gonna get a little damp.." and with that, the tour bus zoomed into the ocean...

"Ugh, being an indain is so boring.." Thought the man looking southward into the purple sea.

Noble Warriors are not Indians.

*vrrrrrr* "Hmm, what the?" *SPLASH* all the indian could see was the bottom of an odd vehicle flying out of the water and over his head.
"Man, I knew I shoulda built that casino.."

Veering into some very non-PC territory here. Major Asshole is living up to his nickname yet again.

"WOOHOO! Turn the volume up, baby!" and the bus blasted through the desert, bass blasting and dune hopping. The vehicle has remarkable handling and suspention for a busfull of musicians and equipment.

"Um, Sir, how do you know these guys, anyways?" Psiosman inquired

"Oh, I met up with them before you got here, I played a few gigs with them before the whole beat the sanctuary boss thing came about. Heck, I said goodbye to these guys so I could talk Chris into getting of his rock and go out adventuring with Juliana! Heh, duleing saxes will always sound awesome, isn't that right?"

It's no more ridiculous than what Tengu's doing with Team Ness.

"I can still take you any day, Scruff." the Sax man replyed with a smile

"Heh, after the fighting's over I'll hold you to that!"

After making it through the second ocean, the tour bus drove up on shore of the resort of Summers. "Well, we're playing at this new blues cafe they've got put up here. Took out an old Truck Stop to put this in, I think the kids here will like it." The secondman of the group said

His name's Gojasu, which translates, basically, as 'Gorgeous'. He's the one played by John Goodman.

"I'm sure of it! Well, I really owe you guys one thanks!"
"Forget it, Scruff. Good meeting you Ant, Osman. Come see us play sometime, allright?"

To be honest, I'd already forgotten Osman was here.

And with that, the bluesmen walked into the cafe.

---

Post #466, by Dr. Andonuts

Nathan had been fiddleing around with his sound stone as they walked towards Titanic Ant. Suddenly he held it out to Pikachu. "Pikachu, look at this," Nathan said.
[Yeah, its a sound stone, so what?]
"No, really look at it."
[Its just a sound stone. Now can we go back to...]
"Didn't the orginal Sound Stone have 8 spaces for melodies?" interupted Dave. "Then how come this one has 9?"
"You guys know what this means, right?" said Nathan. "There is a 9th your sanuary location out there that wasn't in the game. And we have to find it. Pikachu, you had better tell everyone to be on the lookout for a 9th your sanuary location."

Oh yeah? Well, my Sound Stone has 68 spaces!

[Notice to all SM.netters: There is a 9th your sanuary location out there somewhere. Be on the lookout for it. We need to get it before Falcon and EBPoo do.]

Man, this was written for Tengu Man to hijack if anything ever was. Of course, if I know him, he will turn his nose up at it and come up with something else to do that renders it moot, if he can.

Posts #456-460: 23 April 2000

Post #456, by EBPoo

"I don't believe this! All the others are out to claim the powers of the Sanctuaries too. Those greedy thieves! But little do they know of our master plan..." says Poo to Falcon.

It's like he's reading directly from the Standard Bad Drama Clichés Handbook.

"Are we going to battle this stupid mushroom, or what?" asks Falcon impatiently. Poo and Falcon walk up to the shining spot where they were greeted by the speech that all monsters guarding Sanctuary spots gave.

To wit, "Only Ness can absorb the power of this place." And you can do nothing else except leave. This is what happens when you talk to Shrooom! without Ness in your group.

Poo punched the devious mushroom a couple times while Falcon kicked it. Soon it sent out two little mushrooms to attack. "Ack, what do we do now? We have to end this battle quickly and head for the next Sanctuary spot," whispers Poo.

"Hmm..." thinks Falcon.

Very mechanical writing, and yet it feels almost refreshing. Point A -> Point B, done.

---

Post #457, by Little Yoshi

The fierce battle with the Evil Mani Mani Statue raged on, but Tim couldn't face it very well.
"Special Omega!" The Starue said again,

Which Evil Mani-Mani can't use.

nearling K.O.ing Tim.Tim couldn't get up before facing his final blow, PSI Special Beta. And with that, Tim was not only knocked out.

Not only knocked out, but...?

"Pitiful fool..." The Statue said, preparing for the deathstrike."No!" it said, interupting itself. "You may be of use to me.

Apparently the Standard Bad Drama Clichés Handbook is being passed around today.

I need you to claim Rainy Circle before the other evil does. Otherwise, the Apple will not consider it a fair duel, and I will cease to exist.

So all I have to do is... do nothing, and I win? Cool.

Go now, and take Rainy Circle from Shroom! you must have Sanctuary power to engage in a fair fight with me...alone. Also, I must be the only evil in this world, therefore, I may work on stopping Falcon and EBPoo, though I can't kill them, I can hold them up. Go now, for you and your friends' sake."Tim vanished from the downstairs and appeared right behind Shroom!

"How did you get here?!" Falcon yelled.

By being an atrociously terrible IF writer bouncing from place to place doing whatever he pleases. This post is a train wreck even by Liyoshi's standards. Good god.

"I...don't know." Tim replied.
"Get outta here now!" EBPoo shouted, finishing off a small mushroom.
Tim stayed anyways, battling Shroom! While hoping not to be attacked by the two evils that The Mani Mani Statue was talking about.
"I just hope Pikachu sends me a Sound Stone before they get their hands on something like that..." Tim thought to himself, dodging Shroom!'s spores.

Such. Awful. Writing. Gaaah. I'd rather read 3164's writing.

And how the hell do you dodge spores? Seriously.

[This message has been edited by Little Yoshi (edited 04-23-2000).]

---

Post #458, by michael_cayer

(Any Sanctuaries I can help with? And no, I'm not new to this story. I appeared once on page 5. )

Instant ban. Go away; don't come back. READ THE F---ING THREAD AND JUMP IN, YOU LOSER.

I'm not really as bitter as I sound, but (a) this is an especially bad batch of posts, and (b) lazy people trying to get involved in the cool IF story by getting someone else to do the actual work piss me off.

---

Post #459, by Foppy King

After a blast of psychic power, SHROOOOM! was defeated.

Shrooom!, actually. Only three O's, only one capital letter.

"Finnaly!" cried Falcon.

Finnaly was a short-lived nation state (1733-1741) when Italy, under the direction of Pope Tyranus VIII, annexed Finland. It ended badly when two Finns, named Miika and Sami, marched right into Italy, slaughtered some 17,000 poor misguided souls who got in their way, and personally buried Tyranus VIII under a 14 foot high pile of snow they hauled all the way across Europe themselves.

And thus all western civilization learned what that stubborn bastard Josef Stalin insisted on learning the hard way: Do not f--- with Finland.

As they walked toward Rainy Circle another battle swirl apeared. "Huh?" asked Poo. They searched for the enemy and eventualy looked down to see a Foppy with a crown on his head. "Who are you?" inquired Falcon. "I have come to stop you! I am the FOPPY KING! GWWAAARRGG!!" "You think you can stop us? You're just a stupid Foppy," Poo taunted. The Foppy King became very angry and grew to a size bigger than the Sky Runner. "GWWAAARRGG!!" he repeated.

Time to break out the Summon Gallagher materia.

---

Post #560, by Little Yoshi

"Are you going to fight me too, Mr. Foppy King?" Tim asked, wishing he had a Sound Stone to absorb the energy of Rainy Circle.
[Pikachu, Luna, please! I need a Sound Stone so I can get Rainy Circle before it falls into enemy hands!]

This hideous bawling for attention is painful to watch. I'm sorry for putting you through it.

Posts #451-455: 23 April 2000

(IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I just discovered that I miscalculated the total post count of the Gathering, because it turns out that for whatever reason, Thread 2 (eight pages) is duplicated under a different URL set in my archive. That hacks 320 posts off the total post count. Once believed to be 1800-1900, the post count of the Gathering is now known to be in the 1500-1600 range. That means we're around 30% done in post count, perhaps 20% done in word count.)

Post #451, by SirMontyG

"Well, we just picked up this little number" Sir showed Osman the Sound Stone "And now we're off to Sanctuary #8, hopefully geting two of the melodies before Falc and EBPoo can get their hands on them."

Your premise lacks tension because I don't know why it matters whether Falcon24 and EBPoo get their hands on two melodies or six melodies or eight melodies.

It would be funny if someone posted, 'hey, who cares? Let them have all the melodies! Let's go do something more interesting, and if we need the damn melodies we'll figure something out later!' That would make interactive fiction interesting.

"What's wrong with those two?" Psiosman asked

"Didn't hear that part, all we got was a quick telepathic message telling us to collect the sounds before they do. Meby they're trying to take over the world or something.."

Doesn't sound like that big a deal to me. I mean, Falcon24 did take over starmen.net eventually, and it's still doing OK.

"Take over the world with music? That's pretty unoriginal, especialy the way pop music is going these days..."

Major Asshole fancies himself a musical critic. At like age 14.

---

Post #452, by loid

Hooray, a loid post! Hold on while I go grab my loid totals...

(Noone wants to join/help me soooooo...)

That's because you're obviously ten years old, and rather boring. 'No one' is his first misspelling.

Kiyo just reilized he was stuck in the quicksand, after a minute of thrashing and screaming, all went black....

'reilized' is two misspellings. The lack of a conjunction after 'quicksand,' and the four dots instead of three for an ellipsis are two additional errors.

"Woof!"
Kiyo got up, woken up by the dog's woof.
"Snowmist, is that you boy?" said Kiyo after noticing his familiar Alaskan Husky

I'm being lenient and forgiving the comma that should be between 'you' and 'boy'. The lack of a period at the end makes five grammatical errors.

"(Yup! I found you in the desert, you almost died!)" said Snowmist which Kiyo dechiphered telepathicly.

The quotes should be inside the parens technically, but since it's a reference to the way animals talking in EarthBound was denoted with parens (because Ness was actually reading their minds, not listening to them speak), I'll overlook that, too.

But the comma inside there should be a semicolon or period/new sentence. Not overlooking that, or the comma that should be there after Snowmist, or the butchering of 'deciphered' and 'telepathically'. (Hey, give him credit: he's not afraid to hang it out there and take a shot at the tough stuff. He may well have become a good writer when he grew up.) So that's four misspellings, nine total errors.

"Woah, that happens alot, where are we now?"

'a lot' is two words, and that should be a semicolon/period, not a comma. That's 5 and 11, respectively.

"(On a helecopter that'll take you to fourside hospital, and guess what, I was on the news! Dogs save kid from quicksand! You see I had a little help from King)"

Helicopter... Fourside... comma after 'You see'... period at the end. That's 6 and 15.

"Wait whats this?" Kiyo saw a small stone with a note tied to it:

Comma and apostrophe inside the quotes. 6 and 17.

____________________________________________
____________________________________________
To Kiyo and Snowmist, I found out a while ago that we need to get to the sanctuary locations to save the world, I'll explain later but since I know your a good fighter, I'm entrusting this Sound Stone peice to you.

Run-on sentence (should be a sentence break at the second comma)... missing comma after 'later'... 'piece'. 8 and 20.

I hope your dog gets you this message.

~Pikachu3186

3184, actually. That's 9/21.

P.S. Thanks for saving me from those poke bashers.
__________________________________________
_________________________________________

"We have to go to the sanctuary there, mangnet hall or hill or hole or whatever. But wait, we cant go alone, we'll need help...."

'Magnet', not 'mangnet', and it should be capitalized. I'll be lenient, AGAIN, and only count that as one error even though it's really two. 'Cant' needs an apostrophe. An ellipsis consists of three periods, not four.

loid's final tally for this post is an amazing 10 misspellings and 24 grammatical errors; I believe both are loid records so far. Updated totals: 7 posts; 99 grammatical errors (14.1 per post); 30 misspellings (4.3 per post). Let's give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen!

---

Post #453, by pogopunk

The posts are starting to get long. Not nearly as long as they're going to get, but they're slowly moving in that direction.

As the posts get longer, the annotations are going to get a little sparser. I've been in the habit of annotating pretty much every paragraph (frequently creating paragraph breaks that aren't in the original text for the sake of annotating mid-paragraph), but with the page-long posts I'll just annotate every couple paragraphs, probably with generally longer annotations. In other words, the absolute amount of annotations will probably stay about the same, but since the posts are getting longer, there will be relatively fewer annotations. Got it? T-O-O BAD!

[i suppose i'm on my own to fight thunder and storm. i gues someone could help me later on or something.]

Look, no offense, kid, but no one knows you, no one cares about you, and you've done nothing to distinguish yourself from the hordes of J. Random 12 Year Old Posters. If you want to change that, you're basically just going to have to write on your own for a while, and eventually people will get used to you and start including you more.

pogopunk had spent the last couple of hours exploring dalaam. after speaking to the girls, he was beginning to understand why poo ignored them. not much different from valley girls, they were ditsy and carefree.

Probability pogopunk in reality drooled over the cheerleaders at his school and quietly seethed in jealousy of the football players: 87.8%.

he had stopped to talk to some, and they gave him presents to take on his way.

Heh. Make that 91.1%. Very much wish fulfillment! Thank you!

thanking them, pogopunk moved to the bottom of dalaam. talking to a man near a lone hill, he asked the man what was on that mountain.

"why, the place of moo of course."

"um, isnt that place of mu?"

May I ask how exactly those two words are pronounced sufficiently differently that you can easily tell the difference? Or am I making a bother of myself again?

"eh, whatever, anyway, go up there if you dare, you will gain powers, but at a price.."

always up for a challenge, pogopunk began to scale the mountain.

I like to think it's metaphorical for his effort at getting people on the IF board to notice his existence.

"thank goodness for these ropes" he thought as he began to climb. after climbing for a long time, he finally reached the top. admiring the view, he sat down and began to meditate. he heard a shout that startled him.
"poo's master beckons you, come traveler" shouted a girl from across the mountain. ignoring her, pogopunk went into a deep meditation. soon, he felt like he was in a dream-like state, and a forlorn figure melted before him.

"hello you, i am a spirit of poo's ancient lineage. i dont know who you are, but its always fun to test fools..mwehehe" it said. "first, i'll take away your arms and limbs, is that ok with you?"

Oh god, are you really going to re-enact that entire goddamn scene that we all already have read/seen many times? You fail IF forever.

noting that he hardly used them, pogopunk agreed, thinking to himself "still got my pogo stick"

Good luck operating that with no arms. I'd pay to see you try.

Coming Soon: I Have No Arms And I Must Pogo Stick, by pogopunk.

"next i will take away your eyes, ears, and brain. so basically, i'm killing you. do you wwant that?"

"WHAT?! you juss take away my entire body and expect me to be happy about that? well T-O-O bad 'cuz no mu training is worth that. pssh, pssh, i'm assertive, i'm cool, i'm RECKLESS, i'm YOUNG!!!

I'm ANGSTY and LONELY and ANGRY!!!!

now if you have nothing else to do with me, i'll be on my way. good day!" pogopunk exploded in a fit of rage.

taken back, the spirit seemed to shrink down "wow, the ancestors never told us about anything like this. they usually just respond with a yes or no or something. this one is strange and different..hmm, i should bless this one, it could prove useful," it murmured to itself. speaking aloud, the spirt regained confidence and spoke "the ancestors have foretold that you should be blessed with powers. i shall grant you better powers, but use it wisely. plus ya still gotta learn psychic powers yourself..hhehe" laughing more goofily than evilly, pogopunk felt a surge of power, more than he'd ever felt. "oh yeah, and have this new pogostick." out of nowhere a shiny gold stick fell and hit his head..

Whatever. Operating various Deus Ex Machinae to jack up your AC God Mode powers is not going to make you popular. Nobody will ever care. I am, I am confident, the very first living soul to read every word of this post, and I am confident I will always be the only living soul to have done so. Don't pretend you did. I know you didn't. And even now you're not going to, because it's boring as hell. You may try, but you'll get three lines deep and say the hell with it.

"owwww..stupid ghost," pogopunk grumbled and began to make his way back to pink cloud...

---

Post #454, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

I was just thinking, 'you know, the Gathering could use some more Hyperactive 8 Year Oldosity.'

(Just to note, I'm with Pikachu!)

(Just to note, the reason nobody has mentioned you in a hundred posts is because nobody cares!)

"Yo, Pi-kahuna!" said Dave. "Wuzzup?!"
[I'm no Surfing Pikachu!] exlaimed Pikachu. [Nor am I a Flying/Balloon Pikachu!]
"Sorry!" said Poryhedron, in his electronic voice. "We heard you call. I'm following you wherever you go!" Then he privatly, and psychiccly, added, [And Dave will follow me wherever I go.]
Pikachu started laughing out loud, in a laugh only a Pikachu could use.

To an 8 year old, this is awesome.

[Listen,] said Pikachu, [Let Poryhedron read this note!]
Poryhedron used his Psychic Pokémon powers to grabbed the note and read it word for word. It read:

(The following is inside [quote] tags, which is why it's indented the way my annotations usually are.)
To Pikachu and Poryhedron:
Although we have never met, we could be considered family. I am Mewtwo, most powerful of all Pokémon. I was created by Team Rocket, too, from a fossil of Mew. Eagleland is in grave danger. 2 villians are out to absorb
the power of the Your Sanctuaries. If they ever manage to absorb the power, the Earth will be doomed. You must go out and absorb the full power of at least one of these sanctuaries. By doing this, the 2 villians will be stopped. To do this, I have attached a Sound Stone to my note. Now go save the world!
Mewtwo

This is the dumbest s--- I have ever heard of.

P.S. I can't help you because if even one more AC is added to this story, things will get even more confusing. Plus, there's the 1 AC a user rule set by PSI.

There will be many more AC's added to this story yet. And your bitching about the one AC per character rule is going to fall on deaf ears. Come to think of it... that's what happens to everything you write, so I suppose I have no point.

"Okay!" said Poryhedron. "Let's stock up on supplies and move out! I have the supplies Dave says he has in IFs, which includes:

• Picnic Lunches
• Brain Food Lunches
• Jars of Delisauce
• Piggy Jelly
• his weapon, the Lazer Sword
• his Palmpilot to keep a journal on his adventure
• batteries for Palmpilot
• a keyboard add-on for the PalmPilot
• and the Comm. Antenna which he uses to have silent conversations with robotic ACs and send, but not recieve, telepathic messages to non-robotic ACs.

Yeah, sure, whatever. Yet another chunk of text I am now the only person alive to have wasted his time reading. Everyone else understands that they can Deus Ex Machina into their ACs' hands whatever equipment they need whenever they need it; there's no need to bother making a list of crap you may or may not use, when, if you encounter a situation requiring something not on the list later, you're going to Deus Ex Machina it into your AC's hands anyway.

Piggy Jelly is, like Peanut Cheese Bars, are a Saturn Valley Delicasey! Much tasier, though, so it replenishes more of your strength."

Holy s---. loid just called. He's embarrassed by that sentence.

Poryhedron equipped the Comm. Antenna.
Pikachu smacked his lips.
Pikachu said, [Well…]

---

Post #455, by Chris

"Okay, now, we've beaten Electro Specter, but there are still several more sanctuaries. I've got an idea.

Let me guess let me guess let me guess! Your idea involves... you and Juliana going off in some different direction, just the two of you! Am I right, am I right?

Sir, Anthadd, and PSIOman, you guys go see what you can do about Plague Rat of Doom. Juliana and I will go take care of Trillongage Sprout. We'll then see if we need to go help anyone else out at another Sanctuary." Chris said.

You're not gonna believe this, but I swear I didn't read ahead before I wrote the previous annotation.

"Okay, sounds good." Sir replied.

No way in hell Chris is going to give Major Asshole a chance to refuse.

"Let's go!" Anthadd added.

This is such bad writing. 'Okay, sounds good.' 'Let's go!' Yuck. And this is one of the best writers in the Gathering.

And so, Sir led the way to Fourside, while Chris and Juliana stepped out of the Tenda Cave.

"So, how exactly do you plan to reach Saturn Valley, Chris?" Juliana asked.

"I'm not sure. Let's go back to the teleporting monkies and see if one of them can take us there." he replied.

'Teleporting Monkies' would make a good name for a rock band, especially if you spell it that way. Although I suppose you'd get accused of ripping off the Monkees, but whatever. The Monkees sucked.

Once again, the two made their way through Deep Darkness (which was now becoming familiar territory). Soon, they found the patch of land that formed the northen-most part of Deep Darkness, and found the teleporting monkey.

"Kikeiyokia! (Sure, I'll teleport you to Saturn Valley!" one of the monkeys said. Within seconds, Chris and Juliana found themselves standing right in the middle of place they had only dreamed of until now.

They were standing in front of the pond in Saturn Valley...

You know... this is one of the problems with IF that I don't really know what to do about. The previous three paragraphs were boring, and you wish you hadn't wasted your time reading them, right? They're basically filler to make Chris's post look long without accomplishing too much (because he wants PSI322 to follow up on it, and because you can't write too much plot in a single IF post without starting to railroad other characters. You know, like what Chris just did by banishing Major Asshole and Anthadd without their input.)

Ideally, if he didn't intend for anything interesting to happen during their recrossing of that god-forsaken swamp, he would have simply written, 'They recrossed the Deep Darkness and enlisted the help of the friendly monkey.' Done. But then... that makes for a short and equally uninteresting post, so whatever.

Posts #446-450: 22-23 April 2000

Post #446, by SirMontyG

*WHAM* A large hole is put in Electro's torso, but stays active and nails Sir with one of his hammerlike arms.

The hole in Electro Specter's 'torso' nailed Sir with one of its hammerlike arms? Dude. I think you just blew my mind.

"Grr!! Man that hurt..hmmm" Sir thought to himself "I've got it! Hey guys, get ready to pummle him when he's down! If you attack quickly enough, he might not get up!" Sir reloaded and fired again, but this time, at his legs. Taken by the blast, Specter falls face first in the dirt. "NOW!" And the others came out, bats and fists held high. After a severe beating by the three, a well placed swing by Juliana to the head puts Electro Specter out of commission.

Goddammit, people, why aren't you PAYING ATTENTION to me!? I'll FORCE you to join me if you won't do it voluntarily! And I'll mention Juliana by name hoping she notices me! Chances that, say, Anthadd was going to get to land the killing blow: 0.0%.

In case you forgot, SirMontyG is an asshole. And kind of an attention whore.

YOU WON!
(I'll let you guys deside what the numbers look like)

"WOOOHOOO!! We did it! But wait, how do we absorb the power of the sanctuary?"

Going there would be a good first step, since like some kind of idiot you're fighting it in Tenda f---ing Village.

"Got it covered, Sir." Chris showed the small, humming stone.

"Man, gotta hand it to those AC's to help you out when you need it."

He's a genre savvy asshole, though.

The four companions (after working through a couple hundred fobbys) set foot in the 7th Sanctuary location.

Note that he actually didn't forget Anthadd, for a wonder. This is what happens when you don't post on an IF for a while*: some asshole just railroads your AC all over the place and leaves you in a hideous mess by the time you grab the reins again.

* And on the Gathering, 12 hours is 'a while'.

Looking at the wall the 4 noticed a message:

For f---'s sake, it's not that hard to type out 'four', which you should have learned in about fifth grade you're supposed to do, and which you just did one bloody sentence ago.

Heh, this story oughta be made into a novel, 12 pages, that's crazy!

It took ten years, but I'm on it.

And sence when was Falcon so evil?

Since about 1984.

Now lets see, if I remember right, the wall should say someth...Oh great, now they can read my thoughts, don't think anything lame, don't think anything la...hey! quit laughing!!

Let's see if anyone on Team Monty remembers that the only way out of Lumine Hall is by dropping into the Lost Underworld and then teleporting out. I won't be shocked if PSI322 leaves treadmarks getting the hell away from this, because Team Monty is drawing dangerously close to Team Tengu.

---

Post #447, by PSIOsman

Say hello to PSIOsman, class. He'll be sticking around for a while.

A small, Corvette class starship streaks through the sky. PSIOsman is at the helm, looking around fretfully.

"NO! I was supposed to be there days ago! Erm... maybe I can sneak in and no one will notice...?"

He looks down and sees some action going on already.

"I missed everything! Stupid map!"

Yep. You missed everything. Might as well turn around and go home. This thread hasn't been posted on for a full 16 minutes now. Clearly everything is over.

He throws the map at the control panel, managing to lodge it in between two control spheres. sizzling noise begins to emanate from it.

"Aw, CRAP! Cheap Generic machinery! Bob's is better, control is wide, my foot!"

The starship begins to descend uncontrollably. The enginesmanage one last burst of energy. PSIOsman uses his viewing scope to find a suitable landing space.

"Hey is that... Poo and Falcon!

Who are inside a cave in Winters.

But over ther e is... Juliana and SirMontyG!

Who are deep inside a cave in the Deep Darkness, on the complete opposite side of the, er, 'planet'. How exactly the f--- are you asserting you can see all these people?

And more people! Looks like I'm reaaaally late... And, if I land there, I'll be on my own...

(where do I crash land? Obviously, if I'm alone, I'll resent you all )

Better make sure your Resenter is in proper working order, kiddo, just in case 3164 or some similarly lonely kid doesn't post for a while.

[This message has been edited by PSIOsman (edited 04-22-2000).]

---

Post #448, by Anthadd

PSIOsman wanted to, for the most part, land in an empty area, to minimize injuries to people as well as the foliage and fauna.

Dammit, Anthadd.

However, another explosion in his engine sent him spiralling towards Juliana, Sir, and the rest of their group.

Goddammit, Anthadd.

"Oof!" Anthadd exclaimed, flying backwards and hitting his back on a tree.

A tree? In the f---ing Lumine Hall? Someone hasn't carefully read all the posts before jumping back in.

"Why am I the one who keeps getting hit in the back?"

Because you're (a) the klutz and (b) the one guy who generally leaves his AC God Mode set to OFF until he needs it.

"Karma," Juliana replied, perusing the writing on the wall.
"So, in a past life, I may have died because of a backstabber? Or is this some odd way of lightening my naturally sour mood? And why am I reminded of that old song, Seasons in the Sun?"

1) No; her response of 'karma' would suggest that in a past life you stabbed someone else in the back.
2) If it is, it doesn't appear to be working too damn well.
3) Apparently because you're the one son of a bitch alive who likes that song and is responsible for 'oldies' stations still playing it to this day.

That'll be $150, please.

PSIOsman, emerged, somewhat charred, from the wreckage of his ship. "Lumine Hall?"
"Yes," Chris replied. "EarthBound has come to life."

And planted goddamned trees in Lumine Hall.

"And we don't know how to mend it, if it needs mending," Sir quietly whispered.

As opposed to, you know, loudly whispering. I suppose it's possible to loudly whisper--it might be called 'stage whispering'--but a writer has to denote specifically that the whispering is louder than normal. No one except a buffoon or a member of the Department of Redundancy Department writes 'quietly whispered', because the whole point of the word 'whisper' is quietness.

---

Post #449, by Falcon24

(Pikachu, I figured there are other sources of power that can collect the energy of the sanctuaries other than a sound stone, so I'll see what eventuates.

Translation: 'Piss off, asshole. I'll do whatever I want, and don't hold your breath waiting for me to ask your permission, Mom.'

Also: in this next post keep in mind that spaanoft gave me permission to use his AC )

What follows is a shout out to Falcon's staffer buddy spaanoft. If you don't know either of those people and weren't around for years after 2000, you can safely skip this otherwise pointless post.

Cliff's Notes: Team Falcon24 got up the stupid cliff without Bubble Monkey's assistance, and without, for whatever reason, the guy who a few posts ago was circling high over Twoson with his goddamned wings, using his, you know, wings.

Falcon stood there pondering for a moment. "That danged bubble monkey, he's always giving us trouble. We gotta hurry. we're running out of time!"

"...Play Seektag!!"

Falcon looked up. "Uhhh...what?" A strange little man, pale from sleep deprivation and lack of sunlight(mostly due to too much computer time and programming)

(this is what we call 'holding the reader's hand a bit too much')

walked out of the shadows.

"Hi! I'm spaanoft. I like stuff." Falcon fumed.

There should be a paragraph break there; the way he wrote it, Falcon was the one who said his name was spaanoft and he likes stuff.

"Hey! Get up there and lower that rope!" Falcon laced up his #eb op boot and punted spaanoft up to the ledge. spaanoft lowered the rope and walked away.

Lacing up #eb op boots was guruzeth's gimmick.

"Well that was strange," Poo commented. The two climbed up and prepared to enter the sanctuary. Far away they heard spaanoft talking to himself...

"/me does stuff"

I told you about spaanoft and his amazing proficiency for doing stuff, some time ago, so you should know this by now.

---

Post #450, by PSIOsman

"EarthBound... has come to life?" PSIOsman asked incredulously. "talk about your major coincidence!"

If I didn't know better I'd think this was some kind of IF story staffed by unimaginative writers!

"Well... I guess I'd better equip myself."

Yes, that does seem to be what most of the cool kids did before they set out to kick some ass and chew some bubble gum.

PSIOsman ran back to the wreckage of his ship as the others watched. He kicked the rubble a few timesand threw some pieces of junk off to the side. Suddenly, he spotted what he was looking for, sticking in the ground.

"Yes! My Scimitar! And they laughed when I had this forged out of pure diamond! They said I'd never use it!"

They probably did that because it's damn retarded to forge a scimitar out of pure diamond, or even impure diamond, or any kind of diamond, really.

"Who's 'they'?" asked Chris.

"You know what? I really don't know!" replied PSIOsman.

Sentient beings, is a solid guess.

"Riiiiiight..." Said Anthadd, rolling his eyes.

Yep. That was my reaction too. Fortunately I'm a skilled professional typist, and don't need to be looking at the keyboard or my screen while typing. Otherwise I'd be annotating much more slowly, what with all the eye rolling.

"So anyways," PSIOsman said, "I'm a bit late. What'd I miss?"

Oh god, not again. Read the f---ing thread, you fat lazy f---.

[This message has been edited by PSIOsman (edited 04-23-2000).]

Posts #441-445: 22 April 2000

Post #441, by SirMontyG

/me is dum. I'll delete it! Forgive, Mani!!

"Got it!" Sir proclamed as he lifted the newly revamped Lightweight Bazzoka over his head. "Easy to aim, find the weak point, and take out the foe, cool stuff. Everyone, back in the inn!" The others ran back in while Sir dashed out and leaped onto the Tea Table.
"Stick this in your pipe and smoke it!" *KAfwoooooOOOOSHHHH*

And every woman in the area swooned, devastatingly impressed by both the size of Monty's bazooka and how well he handles it.

[This message has been edited by SirMontyG (edited 04-22-2000).]

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Post #442, by Pikachu3164

This is just a memo to Q. Catherine:
Okay, the SM.Netters are in a race to collect the energy of the Your Sanctuaries. You'd either be with me and Nathan in Giant Step, or with Luna at Lilliput Steps.

Or he could strike out on his own for some other Sanctuary. He should be giving that option serious consideration.

Chris and some others are fighting Electro Specter at Tenda Village I, and Mani, Mystery Man (Now known as Darth) are off to battle Carbon Dog.

I like how Chris is denoted as Leader of the Electro Specter Expedition even though he's written zilch on the subject, and in fact no one except Monty and I think one Anthadd post a long time ago has written anything about it, because it's boring as hell. 3164 is definitely giving the admin his proper respect.

Oh, and were kind of racing against Falcon and Poo to collect the Sanctuary Energy.
Plus, the enemies of the Sancuaries are super strong, unfortuneatly.

Did that help at all?

It helped me lose my faith in humanity and question why the hell I'm annotating this thing at all.

---

Post #443, by Luna

{Added note to pikachu's thingy: I'm on my own, so everyone else is with pikachu.}

You get the feeling Luna really wants to be sure everyone knows she's somewhere far, far away from Team Liyoshi/3164.

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Post #444, by EBPoo

"Mmm..." mumbles Poo as he eats a hamburger followed up with a Pepsi. "Oh, right, we're in this cave now," Poo says to Falcon. The two walk through the cave, battling slugs along the way. Suddenly, a giant alligator ran toward Falcon and Poo with its tail in attack mode. "DIE, you fiendish reptile!" yells Falcon as he smacks the alligator with his T-Rex Bat.

This is what IF writers write when they don't know what the hell to write, but feel like they ought to write, lest they be lost in the swiftly flowing sands of time. Nobody ever reads it.

Soon the two make it to where shiny stuff was on the ground. "Oh great, we can't make it up there," says Poo pointing up.

"Geez, what happened to the rope here?" asks Falcon suspiciously. As the two gaze up, they spot the fiendish Bubble Monkey running away with rope in its hand. "Ack! Stupid, stupid monkey!" Poo yells.

"Okay, what the heck do we do now? Luna and the others are going to claim all of the Sanctuary spots soon."

Too bad one or the other of you isn't a f---ing bird. Man, a friend like that would be so handy...

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Post #445, by Pikachu3164

Excuse me, Falcon, Poo, how exactly do you claim the power of the Sanctuaries without a Sound Stone? I don't think its possible....

How exactly the hell do you claim the power of the Sanctuaries when Ness already is holding it all, genius, hmm?

----------

[Hey Nathan? Do you know exactly who's trying to collect Sanctuary energy besides us, Luna, and Falcon and Poo?]
"Hmm... I think I heard somewhere that Chris and a few others are near Lumine Hall... And Mani and Darth are trying to head towards Fire Springs..."

Chapter 73,018 of 'Using OOC Knowledge IC', Re: Team Tengu.

[Okay. Break apart the Sound Stone 2 more times.]
*CRACK*
The Sound Stone was shattered into 3 parts, all of which became whole again.
[Okay. Now I'll send Chris one of these stones, and Mani another. PSI Teleport!]

I... guess that the way they're playing this, that was kinda necessary, but you also have to admit no one is ever going to care. Though I'm not sure Chris and PSI322 have any interest in joining this dullery. Moving right along...

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Tenda Village 1

"This battle is not going well.... Ouch! Huh.... A note attached to a rock.... To Chris: I heard you were near Lumine Hall, so I'm sending you a Sound Stone. ~Pikachu."

In the sense that it should have taken one sentence, and instead it has taken some ungodly number of posts like 80, I agree, this battle is sucking ass.

----------
Tenda Village 2

The Tenda Chief walked to the center of the village. "Excuse me, but is there a Mani in the village?"
Mani walked up to the Tenda Chief. "A mysterious note was just Teleported to the village, addressed to you."
"Hmm... What's it say?
To Mani: I heard you were near the Fire Springs, so I'm sending you a Sound Stone. ~Pikachu"

Tengu won't be happy about this. He'll act uppity and claim he already had a plan for dealing with the Sanctuary without your pissant help, thank you very much.

[This message has been edited by Pikachu3164 (edited 04-22-2000).]