Posts #1151-1155: 25 May 2000

Post #1151, by guruzeth

"Forget it guys!" guruzeth said. "You can think about EarthBound all you like, but this isn't a bloody video game, and cracking someone's head isn't gonna get you anywhere except in a nize cozy jail cell of your own!"

"There's no other way to get him out!" cried Falcon. "We gotta do it!"

"Just wanna pick a fight..." guruzeth said lowly. "Forget it guys. Do what you like, but I'm not posting your bail after you get tossed in the slammer. I'll be down at the picnic table where we ate lunch, or else in a hotel somewhere if you need me. Don't waste your one phone call on me." He turned and walked out of the station.

Can you imagine being a Six Friends member (other than PSI322, who as we will see was fully on board with this, if vastly less aggressive about it) and reading this post, blinking a few times, and thinking, "what the f--- was that all about?" Especially since, you will recall, it was guruzeth who put diospadre in jail for assault in the first place. Like, what in the hell did he think the rest of the team was going to do? Hold a bake sale to raise money for bail and a lawyer? 

This is actually a pivotal post in the Gathering, because "guruzeth throws a temper tantrum and storms off every time anyone suggests anything resembling violence" is going to be a Theme for the rest of the thread (and--spoilers--he's not nearly done injuring his AC yet, either) and watching the rest of his team react to his antics is going to be delightful. If he were anyone but guruzeth they would have ignored him the same way, and for essentially the same reasons, everyone ignored Liyoshi. But since he's the Supreme Ruler of the forums, and since the other Supreme Ruler of the forums who is also the single most popular person at starmen.net at this time (PSI322) follows him around, so does everyone else.

I know what you're thinking: How in the world did such a pissy, foot-stomping child of a poster become so prominent? And the answer is: I have absolutely no idea.

---

Post #1152, by Dr. Andonuts

Nathan thought, "i wonder what Tim is doing? Oh yeah, i can contact him telepathicly." [Tim, are you there?] Nathan waited, and did not hear anything back from Tim. "Or maybe I can't contact him telepathicly."

I really have no idea what this is about. Liyoshi posted himself getting captured two posts ago, eight hours before this one (the school day intervened, during which only guruzeth, who was a week from graduation* and no longer doing anything at school, posted.) Why Dr. Andonuts is just poking Liyoshi here, I can't fathom.

* Feel free to re-read the above post #1151 and marvel at the fact that--you think I'm yanking your chain, but I am not--guruzeth was the oldest poster in the Gathering. He was 18, PSI322 was 17, most everyone else was 15 and down.

---

Post #1153, by PSI322

Juliana's gaze followed guruzeth as he stormed out of the police station. His words echoed in her mind, and in her heart, she knew that he was right, one hundred percent.

Being right isn't much help if you're so over-the-top, assholishly sanctimonious about it that most people would rather be wrong just to avoid being on the same side as you. 

Juliana looked timidly at her other friends and the police officers who were standing not too far away. She felt the sweat beginning to form on her palms and rubbed her hands together anxiously. Deep inside of her, she knew that this was not the real Juliana. The real Juliana, the shy, peaceful Juliana, would never even think of pulling a stunt like this. She could never bring herself to hurt someone, unless they had attacked her first, and even then, it was difficult for her; that was just her nature. She knew that there was no way she could engage in combat with the cops here.

Post 1151 demonstrated guruzeth's way of expressing disapproval of the behavior of his nominal allies. This is PSI322's way of doing the same. Though they are of one mind on the principle in question--namely, that AC violence in IF is dreadfully boring and they want nothing to do with it--it tells you everything you need to know about their respective personalities. 

I am pretty disappointed PSI322 didn't call guruzeth out at all for actually being the one to instigate this whole stupid police station plot, though.

Quietly, Juliana tiptoed towards the entrance, making sure that the others' backs were turned as she moved across the floor stealthily. Silent as anything, she opened the door and slipped out, completely unnoticed. She didn't care at the time that they would all wonder where she had gone; all Juliana knew was that she had to get away from there. She couldn't fight; she wouldn't fight for anything.

I wonder whether or not she was still thinking of the whole Stonehenge Base thing where other posters had her AC going all Conan the Barbarian on the sorry asses of several dozen Starmen.

Feeling relieved that she had made what she believed to be the right decision, Juliana walked away from the police station, wondering if she ought to try to find guruzeth or continue wandering on her own.

So this is PSI322 Gambit #7 on this thread, although this one has a new twist: it's not about escaping Chris this time, it's about following guruzeth. Why, in $DEITY's name why is the alpha female going so far out of his way to follow a guy who threw a public hissy fit over some insignificant thing that he himself instigated, you ask? 

Well, cut her some slack; teenagers make suboptimal decisions all the time. But it does cut somewhat back to some of the stuff I noted on Chris posts: that at least guruzeth isn't afraid to tell you exactly what he thinks and go off and do what he pleases, as opposed to Chris's maddening passivity and approval seeking.

---

Post #1154, by Chris

Speak of the devil! I can't wait to see how he reacts to PSI322's post. Will he follow her as he's done six times before? Or will he write her off for now because she has made clear that from here out she is going to follow guruzeth wherever he goes, and Chris must know how that will turn out for him?

Chris was continuing to mull over how to rescue dios. Falcon had spoken of fighting, but Chris wasn't sure if it would work here the same way it had worked in Earthbound.

This is pretty funny if you remember the combat Chris had previously engaged in back when he was dragging PSI322's AC all over the world while she remained silent for several hundred posts. To wit: it worked exactly the same way it worked in EarthBound, only much easier because he was an AC. But yeah, some random NPC cops are totally a major problem. 

I have a feeling Falcon24 isn't going to see this from quite the same angle.

Plus, none of them were in any condition to tackle a dozen unarmed police officers, much less if they were to use their weapons. On the other hand, the team didn't have any money, and they certaintly couldn't leave dios in the hands of the Eagleand justice system.

I actually think it would be pretty funny, and a subtly clever nose-thumbing at guruzeth to boot, if they did exactly that. Then diospadre could show up a few posts later with no explanation at all for how he got loose.

"Guys, we can't fight. We can't hope to win. We've gotta find a way to get some money. Any ideas?"

"We could sell lemondade." Falcon suggested.

"Right. 'Lemonade for sale to post bail on our friend.' Oooh, that rhymes!" Poo replied.

LOL. I swear I didn't read this before I cracked the bake sale joke up above. Maybe I subconsciously remembered this post from when I first read it, 18 years ago, but I doubt it. 

"Wait a second. Chris, don't you still have that bat you bought in Tenda Village a while back?" Tracy asked.

"Yeah." Chris said, starting to see where Tracy was going with this.

"So, we sell that, and Juliana's Frying Pan, and that oughta get us enough money to bail out dios!" Tracy finished.

Ohhhh, now that's clever.  

For maybe the first time in the Gathering, I am genuinely impressed with something Chris came up with. Selling all the weapons and gear to bail dios out is exactly what guruzeth could and should have come up with, if he didn't want to crack skulls. It would have annoyed the Violence Faction, pleased the Pacifist Faction, and it wouldn't have required him to behave like a five year old. 

Ascribing this stroke of genius to Traceh rather than himself is pretty generous, too.

"Good idea. Hey, Juli--" Chris broke off in midsentence when he didn't see Juliana in the waiting room. "Hey, where'd she go?"

The idea that Chris would fail to notice Juliana leaving the room shattered my suspension of disbelief into a million pieces.

"I didn't see her. She must have gone outside for some fresh air." Falcon said.

"I'll go check." said Poo. A moment later, he returned. "She's not outside."

"Well, I'm sure she'll show up soon. Probably went to town to get something to eat. Let's go see how much a merchant will pay for this bat." Chris said.

They told dios that they'd be back soon, and left to find a drugstore that might buy the bat.

And so Chris opts to stick with the rest of the SixFour Friends and, for the very first time in the Gathering's eleven hundred posts, not to follow PSI322 or even to angst out about her departure. A landmark! 

(As noted previously, Chris knows very well that his pursuit of PSI322 is now over and has failed. She's with guruzeth, both IC and OOC. He bungled it completely in numerous ways I have chronicled in probably excessive detail, but I admire him for trying. He gave it his best shot, and he's gracious in defeat.) 

---

Post #1155, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

[I understand, Pikachu,] said Mew. [My warp hole opens in random spots! And have you forgotten that my species can learn how to Transform?!]
[I know that!] shouted Pikachu.
Mew shook his head, and started changing. After less then a minute, he changed into Poryhedron.
"I can do whatever the original was programmed to do," said Mew, as Poryhedron.
Pikachu appauded. Then he went back to eating.
Mew transformed back, and said, [Hey! Don't hog the cheesy Saturn bar-shaped Delacacies!]
Pikachu looked confused.
[The Peanut Cheese Bars,] said Mew.
[Bone appiteit, or whatever,] said Pikachu.
After Mew ate one, he washed it down with a bottle of lemonade that he stole from Celedon Dept. Store's vending machine when he escaped from Team Rocket.
[Where'd you get that?] asked Pikachu.
[I stole it from one of Celedon Dept. Store's vending machine when I escaped from Team Rocket,] said Mew.

The Department of Redundancy Department approves of these last three lines.

[I store them in Pokéballs I stole from Team Rocket. I knew I'd need some food or drink, and storage for the food and drink, but I'm broke!]
Pikachu looked around like this: ; and asked, [Can I have some?]
[Sure!] said Mew. [Or you could have some Soda Pop, or some Fresh Water!]
[Just the Lemonade!] said Pikachu.
Mew took one bottle out and gave it to Pikachu, who chugged it down.
[Thanks!] said Pikachu.
[You're welcome!] said Mew.
Just then, a Tomato with eyes, which looked like this: ; hopped out. Suddenly, he turned into a cardboard cutout which looked like this: .

[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-26-2000).]
[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-26-2000).]

If you're just skipping the text and reading the annotations, you should cut that out and read the text. It's funnier than the annotations. But not this post. This time, you made the right decision. This is without question the most pointless post in the entire Gathering (thus far) that exceeded five lines. 

SS/MB edited this post at least twice a day after it was posted. God alone knows why.

Posts #1136-1140: 23-24 May 2000

Post #1136, by Foppy King

After attempting to comprehend what the heck is going on, the Foppy King was drivin to insanity.
"WOOO! BLOOPOB! PAAANNNTTTTS!"
Finnaly, Foppy King spontaniosly combusted.
BOOM!

There's an emoticon I can't see called nuke.gif, just to give you the extra flavor there.

Foppy King just drops by once every hundred posts or so to bitch that nobody cares about him. Nothing different here.

I'm surprised at how many of the kiddies think it's spelled "finnaly." 

---

Post #1137, by Falcon24

Falcon, still getting acquainted with his new friends, was not accustomed to being around other human beings. "I think I'll take a walk you guys. I'll catch up with you later." He knew he had some things to ponder.

He just got done going out of his way to join himself to the SixSeven Friends, so I assume he's not immediately absconding. Though it would amuse me if he was. More likely there's angsting incoming.

Falcon strolled casually through the thicket of trees, whistling a light and jaunty air. He suddenly realized that this was perhaps the first moment of true peace he's had since his arrival on the island. "Some vacation...I get controlled by evil beings, summon a great evil, then I get killed and brought back to life somehow...and NOW I finally relax."

Well, you seemed to be enjoying yourself at the time. So much so that anytime anyone else tried to interfere with what you were doing, you strenuously objected.

Relaxing was never really Falcon24's thing. One man's relaxing is another man's boring.

His thoughts then turned to his new companions. Of course he had known them from his daily chat sessions online in #earthbound, and his routine scanning of the forums...but what did he really know about them?

This is kind of funny when you consider that he spent most of his Gathering time heretofore trying to murder the very people he'd spent daily chat sessions with in #earthbound. Well, murder or enslave them. No point killing everyone; then who's left to worship you and do your bidding? 

"Well, they DID rescue me, and take me to a hospital, so they have to be nice people..." It occurred to Falcon that throughout his life he had rarely seen any true displays of kindness such as he had witnessed here. Perhaps not all people were bad people...and perhaps Falcon was too defensive for his own good.

It would be so awesome if guruzeth or diospadre showed up in their next post to present Falcon24 with a bill for their services."What, you thought we were just doing it to be nice?"

The notion of Falcon24 being defensive is funny. Yeah, yeah, psychoanalysis he's such an asshole because of his insecurities and he's actually very defensive about himself blah blah. Falcon24 was and is all offense, all the time. This is not a guy who plays defense.

"All I know is that this island was supposed to be a nice vacation, and now it's turned into the center of a struggle for the future of the human race...way too much pressure for a bunch of teens trying to vacation.

He says that like it's a huge surprise. And also as though he himself wasn't the one who decided partying was for kiddies and what this thread needed was everyone fighting crossover villains.

Falcon decided that he'd do just that -- vacation, let other people worry about this Lavos thing. He looked at his watch.

"Wow, time sure does fly! I've been walking around here an hour or more. I'd better find the others." He searched for the closest way out of the forest. When he did eventually exit the thicket, he found he was in front of a small al fresco diner. He saw guru, Tracy, Poo, Chris, and Juliana sharing a Picnic Lunch at one of the tables, while dios was arguing with a gas station attendant just next to the diner who had scratched his Ford Explorer while filling the tank. He ran over to join them.

Falcon24 was from New Jersey (try not to act too surprised), where until very recently it was actually illegal to fill your own gas tank; it was the last U.S. state where a gas station employee filled your tank for you (and you were expected to tip). You also see that diospadre's love affair with his Ford Explorer was not just something guruzeth made up. Yes, I know it's just a f***ing Ford Explorer, but just having your own vehicle is a very big deal when you're 16. It instantly made diospadre cooler than everyone else. And he was not at all above reminding everyone of it.

---

Post #1138, by guruzeth

"OOPS?! I'LL SHOW YOU OOPS!" diospadre said right before slugging the gas station attendant, which set off a brawl. Falcon, guru and the gang ran over to break it up, with the attendant bloodied and diospadre fuming. "YOU TOUCH MY CAR AGAIN AND I'll KILL YOU! KILL YOU!"

I can appreciate running a good joke into the ground as much as the next guy, but that's a tad bit far. Unlike other parties I could name, diospadre wasn't a hot tempered guy.

If he WAS hot tempered, having his AC do this would be accurate--but it would also make the actual diospadre blow a gasket about somebody making his AC do something without his prior approval. Sometimes you can't win with IF. (If guruzeth wanted somebody assaulting the gas station attendant, he should have done it himself.)

"Whoa, dios!" guru said. "Calm down man, it's just a scratch."

"Twenty years for murder isn't worth the scratch..." said Poo. diospadre continued kicking and struggling, so the other six in the group dragged him back to the picnic table at which they were eating and set him down there.

"Such a... beautiful day!" said Juliana, trying to add cheerfulness to the situation. dios said nothing.

"I hope it stays that way," said Tracy as they settled down and dios cooled off a little. "Can't we even relax for a flippin day?"

Well, you're not doing much of a job of it so far. I like the meta here--guruzeth's complaining that they can't relax, while he himself is introducing plot elements that prevent them from relaxing. It's almost like he's just a dumbass.

They did manage to relax for a few hours. After finishing their meal, they decided to go wandering around the town to see what they could see. Unfortunately, as the evening dragged on, they were in a small shop when two police officers strode in. "Which one of you is diospadre?"

"He is!" dios pointed at Chris.

"What?! No, he is!" said Chris, and the others rolled their eyes and confirmed who the real dios was.

OK, that made me chuckle. I admit it. 

It would have been supremely funny had guruzeth actually followed through with sending Chris to the clink for nothing.

"I'm afraid you're under arrest for simple assault," said one of the officers as they turned him around and slapped on the handcuffs. "You'll have to come down to the station."

That's, uh, not exactly how these things work--what the hell cop would say "simple assault"?--but cut the kid some slack here, he was 17. At least he did leave it open for diospadre to follow up and decide what to do about it. Doesn't forgive the sin of forcing his AC to commit a crime, but it's something.

---

Post #1139, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

He opened this post by quoting Pikachu3164's last post in its entirety, which is an atrocity in IF and now widely regarded as a bannable offense.

Mew found where Poryhedron's dead body was. It was quickly fading away from the magnet. Mew grabbed it and used PSI Teleport to teleport to Winters.
--At Dr. Andonut's lab--
A warp hole opened, and Mew, with Poryhedron's body, came out.
"Hey!" said the Doc. "It's a Mew!"
[Poryhedron!] shouted Pikachu.
[It's too late,] said Mew. [He died of overexposure to magnets. He's losing polygons as we speak. I'll throw him into the computer. He'll be reenergized and he'll find his way to someone's computer, but he'll never be able, or want to, come back.]
Mew did as he said.
Pikachu was in a crying fit.

Hahahahaha. Oh SS/MB, you never cease to amaze. I can't wait to see how 3164 is going to take this. I'm like 92% sure SS/MB is just trying to be friendly here.

[There, there,] said Mew. [We all think life isn't fair, but we gotta deal with it. I should know. Team Rocket gave me so many gifts, but when Jamie Chan told me they were going to use me for evil, I was so angry and dissapointed. Dissapointed because they were pampering me, but I was no tool for evil. I bet you know why I was angry.]
Pikachu nodded.
[Then stop crying!] said Mew. [Ya gettin' your fur all wet, and you'll hurt yourself with your electric attacks!]
Talk about Jeckle & Hyde! thought Pikachu.
[Remember, Pikachu,] said Mew as he landed and walked upstairs, [I'm a Psychic Pokémon, so I can read your thoughts. I know what you think of me.] As he walked upstairs, his tail waved in an odd style.
Pikachu snapped his fingers, and then wiped his eyes. Then he said, to Dr. Andonuts, [So how about that antidote?!]

And now we return to our regularly scheduled EarthBound IF'ing. This post is a good example of why the pokémon kiddies were so widely loathed at starmen.net. SS/MB is harmless, but whereas 3164 has at least intermittently tried to post some EarthBound content, SS/MB has posted none at all. His posts are invariably all pokémon, all the time.

---

Post #1140, by PSIOsman

The four Lavos Spawn were growing steadily, as they fed off the energy of anything that accidentally got too close. Osman, Siris, TsuramiSea, and Alan followed at a safe distance, waiting for some sign of weakness.

These kids will never run out of new ways to make their opponents seem invincible. Invincible right up until my AC rips out the Super Ultra Deluxe Totally Kickass Final Attack of Doom and kills them dead, and then has his way with all the women. No, of course your AC isn't strong and cool enough to do that.

The Spawn crept through the city in a straight line, as though toward one goal. The Spawn then left the city and started into a forest. They cut a wide swath through the trees, leaving blackened husks behind.

The group trailing the Spawn stared at the remains of the Lavos Spawn's feeding with growing apprehension. Though the Spawn moved slowly, they crawled any obstacle as if it didn't exist.

They soon saw a clearing ahead. That meant... The Spawn were heading for another populated area...

"Through a forest and into a populated area" means the kiddies aren't giving up on hounding guruzeth just yet. Hilarity is doubtless going to ensue.

Posts #1131-1135: 23 May 2000

Post #1131, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

    quote:Originally posted by PSI322:
    (Did I just hear someone say "new AC"? I hope, then, that this is your ONLY AC, seeing as the rules allow for only ONE. If this IS, indeed, your only AC, then ignore this and don't be mad at me. Thanks.)

    ~PSI322, Moderator of Interactive Fiction

(Didn't you see "…raming Poryhedron next to Magnet Hill(We know what happens from that.)." Poryhedron is made of computer code, and gets deleted, or killed, when near magnets.)

SuperSpeedy retconning his last post into killing Poryhedron off when he introduced... whatever his newest AC was. Shock Bird? Yeah, I think it was Shock Bird. Poor kid. The Man (well, The Woman) is cramping his style.

---

Post #1132, by guruzeth

After a few minutes, they finally arrived, as Chris had predicted, in a small town.

Isn't it sweet of guruzeth to let Chris be right once in a while?

"I don't see the park anywhere around here..." said Tracy.

"Neither do I, but at least we're somewhere," said guru as dios parked his car and the group hopped out.

"Should we warn the townspeople about those Lavos spawns?" said Juliana.

"You crazy?" said Falcon. "If we wander around warning everyone that they're gonna get attacked by giant porcupines they'll lock us in the loony bin."

Well, they probably would, come to that. Probably the wisest play is to go through town warning everyone a tornado or something is headed their way. At least then some people might get in their basements and avoid the wrath of the Stupid Crossover Villains.

"Besides, who cares?" said dios. "I need to find somewhere to get my wheels fixed... and the next time my car gets hurt, I SWEAR I'm gonna kill someone." He glared at guru, Falc and Tracy. They chuckled.

diospadre's love affair with his Ford Explorer was something of a running joke at the time, and there was no one quite like guruzeth for overplaying running jokes after they've already played themselves out. More on this soon.

"Well," said Poo, "we could at least ask someone for directions here... I'm hungry, let's get something to eat before those things show up and we have to leave. I hope someone takes care of them..."

So this is--stop me if you've heard this before--yet another "I don't give a damn what happens here but I am not getting involved in Saving the World, do you hear me!?" post from guruzeth.

---

Post #1133, by Anthadd

Anthadd and Sir were sloshing through Deep Darkness, and Anthadd was freaking out like there was no tomorrow.
"If only I hadn't come to this stupid gathering," he muttered, "this wouldn't be happeing." Anthadd continued to ramble on about hydrophobia.

Anthadd must REALLY be freaking out, like legitimately going crazy behind his keyboard, to have misspelled "happening" and failed to notice. Treasure this moment, Gathering fanatics: An Anthadd typo preserved for posterity is a rare sight to behold.

"Hydrophobia?"
"Hydro: water. Phobia: Fear. Figure it out from there."
A zapping sound alerted the two to outside influences. "A Zap Eel?" Sir offered.
"Most likely," Anthadd replied.

Zap Eels are actually one of the very few enemies in EarthBound you have to pay special attention to, for if you don't they can and will f*** you up. Of course if such a thing existed it should be able to fry a person without getting within 20 feet of them. Have you ever pondered the absurdity of kids with bats, frying pans and guns trying to kill an eel slithering around them in a swamp? Do you know how fast eels are in water?

---

Post #1134, by Gauntlet Wizard

"Ah!" Siris gasped. "Can't... move..."
Siris's body had been slowed, and the Lavos Spawns were still slowly approaching the city. Siris focused his mind and concentrated on a high powered healing spell. After a few seconds, the groups' ailments were mostly healed. "We need to stop those Spawns!" Siris yelled...

(I don't have time to finsih, carry on Osman or someone)

 I have to at least give Gauntlet a little credit here; his character actually at least did something in this post, however minor and inconsequential. Of course, being Gauntlet, he ends the post with another cry for attention. It's been fifteen years and it hasn't been answered yet.

---

Post #1135, by Pikachu3164

[PIKA!] Electricity formed, and Pikachu released a gigantic Thunder attack. It destroyed two of the Lavos Spawns and severely damaged the remaining. [Nathan!]

"Yeah?"

[You finish the him off! I need to go do something!]

"Okay!"

I checked, and there is a gap of about 45 minutes before this post and it's predecessor. So yes, there's a pretty good chance 3164 is mocking Gauntlet here. The kid has a smidgen of cleverness about him.

Pikachu used PSI to grab one of the dead bodies and Teleported to Andonuts Labs.

"Hey! It's a Pikachu! And he's carrying one of those things that had attacked the lab earlier! Want a donut!?"

[Nope. Let's make this simple. I want you to make a repellant designed to repel one of these Lavos Spawn.]

"A Lavos Spawn? Jeff told me about those earlier...."

Well, Pikachu went on to tell Dr. Andonuts the story of how Lavos had fell on someone's head earlier, and everyone went on a quest to gain melodies to destroy him. Lavos was on the edge of life at this point, but the Lavos Spawn were still on a rampage, destroying Eagleland. They were as serious as Lavos himself, and he needed a way to stop him.

"Well, I suppose we could use the basic cells remaining in it's body, extract the...."

[Whatever. Just make the repellant, and a vaccine for me. I have a friend who happens to be one of these.]

"Okay. As soon as I have a donut."

I did chuckle at the "as soon as I have a donut" line (presumably he has donuts now; he didn't when Jeff showed up at his lab in-game.) 

So 3164's idea is apparently to use Lavos Spawn Repellant to make the moronic things go away so they can go back to having fun. A noble cause, my young friend, but you'll as soon sell sand to an Arab as sell your compatriots on that idea.

Posts #1116-1120: 22 May 2000

Post #1116, by t0nberry22

(Which Portal are we talkin about? The one I made?)

Consider it a polite request for official acknowledgment. Which he won't receive, needless to say.

(Plus, Kiyo, my Character doesn't have a clue about the Randites, and he wouldn't be scared if something he has no idea about, so edit your last post, please.)

Remember a loooong time ago when I mentioned that people would be pissy about any use of their ACs by other posters without prior written authorization? Yeah.

---

Post #1117, by Dr. Andonuts

(I'll leave too.)

The kiddies are absconding from Tengu's jerkoff of a final battle like it's a fresh crime scene.

"Yay, back to the vacation. Cya guys around." Saying this, Nathan proceded to disappear. First his body up to his neck, then his head, then finally his eyes. He reappeared near the orgiganal hotel, wondering where his 64 player SSB had gone. Then he saw the Lavos Spawns. "Ahhh, where did those come from?!?" he screamed. He hurrdily put up a shield with his computer.

This post leaves me unable to figure out if he wants the violence to continue or not. Possibly because he doesn't know or care about that himself, and this post's purpose is to get someone else to declare their violence/nonviolence intent so he can then join in.

---

Post #1118, by Little Yoshi

Tim hesitated as he started to jump into the portal.
"Come on!!" The others shouted, wanting Tim to hurry up.
"Guys...I'm-I'm stayin' here...fe-fer now," Tim stuttered.

Tim leapt into the air, in the direction of the awful machine."So, you're producing all those Lavos Spawns, are you? Well, take this!" Tim shouted, attacking the Lavos Spawn machine with the Masamune. A Lavos Spawn dashed in just in time to absorb the blow-on its shell. It countered with its needle attack. Tim was quickly surrounded.

Suddenly, the machine glowed. An ice barrier formed around the Lavos Spawns. Tim was outta luck, but not hope.

I don't mean to disappoint you, but I honestly ran out of fresh things to say about Liyoshi posts a good 700 posts ago. He's just continuing to do exactly the same things he's been doing since the very beginning, Although that'll change right quick if he draws into proximity of Team Tengu (consisting of Tengu, Tengu, Tengu and their sidekick, Tengu) like he's fixing to do here.

---

Post #1119, by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy

(I'm introducing a new AC to this IF.)

That means you're removing your current two ACs, right?

Suddenly, a portal open behind Poryhedron. A Mew flew out, raming Poryhedron next to Magnet Hill(We know what happens from that).
said the Mew.
Mew used Psystar! Lavos lost ¾ of his current HP!
(See Something I Perfer…)

So SS/MB casts aside his vaguely characterized custom Porygon in favor of switching on no-doubt AC God Mode. It'll probably wear off pretty quickly.

[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-23-2000).]

---

Post #1120, by PSI322

(Did I just hear someone say "new AC"? I hope, then, that this is your ONLY AC, seeing as the rules allow for only ONE. If this IS, indeed, your only AC, then ignore this and don't be mad at me. Thanks.)

Well... I don't think he ever officially removed his own avatar ("David", I think, right?) from the story, but I also don't think he's even referenced said avatar in hundreds of posts. So PSI322 may be technically justified to slap him, but in practice it doesn't really matter. More of a preventative measure and Reminder to Tengu, really.

~PSI322, Moderator of Interactive Fiction

The sig line was her way of making it known she was posting as moderator, not in-character.

Posts #1036-1040: 16-17 May 2000

Post #1036, by diospadre

"Sure, I know a few places to eat around here. Well I know 2. THat's really all we have here. Pretty ironic, seeing as this town is a resort." diospadre liked the group before him.

diospadre always had hilariously low-key ways of pointing out the absurdity in EarthBound. Well, actually, he could do it more overtly too, such as his legendary quote "the girl can create fire for god's sake, and they're trapped by a locked door."

They all seemed likable, and yet oddly familiar. "I got the ins at the Stoic Club, so you could go there."

Can't be too familiar if you're describing guruzeth or Chris as 'likable'.

"I prefer real food over rocks and water," guru bluntly stated.

Good man.

"Ok, well then you can dine at the Restuaraunt Summers."
"Man, this trip is really taking its toll on my wallet," the stingy guruzeth stated.
"No problem, it's on me," dios replied as he tossed a wad of bills onto the floor.
"Hey, thanks!" said Juliana as she began to leave with the others.

LOL. This is what a man clearly enjoying being an AC looks like. Well, a man who is actually entertaining enjoying being an AC. I'm sure Liyoshi is enjoying the hell out of his AC experience, but that's at our expenses. 

And look at the results, too: he's got guruzeth on the receiving end of his casual generosity. Chris should be taking notes on how to do that right.

"No problemo. Adios, mis amigos."
As guruzeth heard the manager's parting words, he stopped dead in his tracks. Could it be?

You see, the pigeon Spanish was supposed to be diospadre's signature style. So obviously guruzeth is supposed to recognize it. (Apparently no one else in the group is supposed to, though. I don't know.)

---

Post #1037, by SirMontyG

"Well, no use in gawking at it. Harrrah!" Sir yelled as he swung at the newly dimonized feind. *smmmaasCRACK!*

What the hell? This post guest written by loid?

"MY BAT!!!!!" Sir cried in pain "It just split in two!"
"Whoa, calm down, Sir.."

Anthadd sounds like Marcie there.

*grrrrrr..*
"You vile, miserable, mangy mutt! You've ruined my prised possesion! My personal weapon!! My louiesville slugger..You shall PAY!"

Prized. Possession. Louisville. And there really needs to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing the use of more than one exclamation point at a time under any circumstances.

Sir pulled a huge right cross, followed by a stunner, followed by a german suplex, followed by a hard knee, followed by a roundhouse, followed by a cross right uppercut straight to the chin. Diamond Dog was seriously knocked for a loop.
"Ouch..Them razor sharp edges smart.."

Yeah, in reality if he weren't an AC he would have dismembered himself attempting those stunts on a dog made out of sharp jagged diamond.

This battle really needs to end. Yesterday.

---

Post #1038, by t0nberry22

(Guys, what's the big idea? You completely forgot about me and Dark Ton!!!! Geez, I wish people would quit doin' that...)
(Ok, so now I'm in the Lavos Crater with DT, and you're in Tim's boat. Are you gonna help me or not?)

Yes, I just discussed this the other day. People are actually responding in the correct way to someone or something unwelcome being forced into their plotline: by ignoring it. Were t0nberry22 good at IF he would recognize this means no one is interested in Dark Ton and would follow their lead in forgetting his existence. Or if he's allergic to dangling threads, killing him off or putting him on a bus in one paragraph right now. There's no shame in admitting it wasn't a good idea and moving on, before it makes things even worse for you.

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Post #1039, by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy

(I might not be online as often, on account I can now go online only at school. It's a punishment, but it may not last too musch longer. Just until Saturday or Monday or Tuesday.)

One of those days that end in -day, he's almost certain.

Cute of him to post the public service announcement about his whereabouts, as if one soul in this thread gave a damn.

Shock Bird then crowed and said [I gotta go. My wife laid eggs and today's my day to incubate 'em! I'll come back when I know of a task that I sence Poryhedron can't handle.] Then, in his best imperonation of Bill Nye, the Science Guy, said [See ya!]
Shock Bird left.

So SS/MB plans to switch his ACs in and out like a tag team, depending on the circumstances (such as how bored he is at a given time). It violates the letter of the law, but actually not necessarily the spirit. The one AC per writer rule (AKA the Tengu Man Rule) was instituted to prevent a single writer from using numerous ACs to accomplish one or both of (a) influencing every plotline in the thread, and (b) dominating a particular plotline by sheer numbers. (Both of these were Tengu Man Specials.)

But if you have merely a rotating cast of ACs such that you, the writer, are only on one plotline with one AC at a time, there's no problem with that. I don't think there's any reason to prevent SS/MB from amusing himself so. He's extremely harmless.

"Well, Pikachu," said Poryhedron, "I bet you can count on me to come with you to Winters!"
[I guess,] said Pikachu.
"Oh, I made you a treat!" said Poryhedron, pulling out the Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar. "I went online and found instructions on making homeade Peanut Cheese Bars. Using that, I made you this Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar!"
Pikachu grabbed it and ate it.
[DELICIOUS!] yelled Pikachu.
" Glad you liked it!" said Poryhedron.

Endearing himself to 3164: it worked before, surely it will work again. 

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome SS/MB back to the thread. His childish rambling is exhilarating after a few hundred posts of Serious Business (not to mention Liyoshi).

[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-17-2000).]

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Post #1040, by TsuramiSea

I'm curious to see whether Tsurami's finally going to get around to doing anything besides wandering around semi-aimlessly and declaring that gosh, he sure hopes to meet someone. Let's read!

A cargo barge pulled into a port in Toto. The shipmen began to unload the vegetables on board. TsuramiSea knew that he had to be very careful about getting out.

Oh, right. I just remembered he performed a pretty near physically impossible stowaway stunt, last time he posted. That was a while ago.

He slipped between crates, fortunately it was only a few men unloading the ship. Soon TsuramiSea got out of the cargo room and ducked-and-covered behind various structures on the ship until he snuck off of the gangplank and ran off into Toto. He had successfully stowawayed to Summers! He felt rather exhilirated, but decided against making a habit of doing things like it.

It's amusing the way he handled this with phrases like 'behind various structures on the ship' to disguise the fact that he knows nothing about ships at all besides what he's seen in a few movies. It works because neither would any of his readers, if he had readers, which he doesn't. His potential readers, let's say, in the interests of being polite.

Tsurami looked around him. This is definitely Toto, he thought. "Okay, great, I'm here! Now all I have to do is find these friends of mine, that is, if they're still here."

So I guess that 'doing something' won't be happening in this post, then.

TsuramiSea began to head off to Summers. As he walked, he thought about how the hint man had said that Lavos was in Fourside. But, he had been in that city, almost all over it, and hadn't seen Lavos. Either he was being less observant than usual, or the hint man had been mistaken.

That is pretty funny imagery: usually I'm pretty observant, but I just happened by chance to walk all through Fourside and fail to find a giant malevolent space hedgehog.

TsuramiSea wasn't sure what to think. But he didn't worry himself about it at the moment. He just wanted to find more SM.Netters and see what they were like. A small, secret part of TsuramiSea hoped they'd be people he could talk to without feeling alienated. He entered the entrance to the great resort town. Great.... now I just need to search this WHOLE town for these people.... was his thought before walking off into the large groups of buildings in the buisness area of Summers.

It bears repeating that TsuramiSea was not subtle in his writing. He's remarkably explicit about the major need-for-acceptance issues he has. I actually think he was smart enough to know Tengu Man was kind of a creep, but emotionally he just had to be accepted by somebody. It's the exact recipe for Instant Tenguling: Just Add Attention.

Posts #986-990: 14 May 2000

Post #986, by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy

(You mean I must one of my ACs? AWW! I can't! It'll be too sad!)

He's so devastated by this dire turn of events that he couldn't even bring himself to type "get rid of", or however such a phrase forms in his hyperactive young mind.

---

Post #987, by Pikachu3164

((SuperSpeedy, just come up with a wierd way to get rid of either Poryhedron or Shock Bird, like Poryhedron went home, or Poryhedron found an Anti-Magnet Spray, or whatever.))

3164 wholly misses the point. SuperSpeedy can no more function without Poryhedron and Shock Bird than he can function without a liver and kidneys. They're part of him, you know what I mean? It's just cruel of you to even suggest such a thing.

**********

Seeing as I'm, like a lot of people here, are to lazy to write a long, epic tale of how Tim, Nathan, Shock Bird, and Pikachu beat the Plague Rat of Doom,

You've got that right, brother.

I'll just say that they were pounding on the Plague Rat's last ounce of HP. If anyone else in my group decides to write an epic tale, go ahead.

Please don't tempt Liyoshi. Please. Don't. PLEASE.

[We're almost done with this rat!]

We can only shake our heads in sadness that this was said by 3164, rather than about him. We were only a preposition away!  

Also, as best I recall, 3164 himself was the last person to bring up PROD. Always a fair indicator no one else in your own group gives a s***. But then again, that was only nine posts ago, so he's probably just bored and wanting to power through this.

All of a sudden, however, the Plague Rat pounced on Pikachu, SMAAAAASHING him.

Pikachu could here Shock Bird calling out to him before he blacked out...

Wait, weren't you just saying Shock Bird needs to take a hike? I'm confused.

---

Post #988, by loid

"NOOOOOOO! Pikachu!"
"Thats it! take this rat!"
Kiyo took one of Randites guns (A dual Neutron laser to be exact) and in his rage blasted away at the plague rat and just about everything nearby taming it.

Yeah... OK. Sure, kid, whatever you want. I can almost feel, 12 years later, Tengu getting annoyed, but shrugging it off and saying what the hell. As well he might; who really cares how someone chooses to manifest AC God Mode? Might as well just let it pass.

"Pikachu, can you hear me?.....

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Post #989, by Gauntlet Wizard

"Undaunted!" Siris exclaimed. "The Randite statue may be infallible!"

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

"It can't be!" Osman replied. "We must defeat it!"

Looks like excellent logic to me. The Randite statue cannot be invincible (the word Gauntlet tried and failed to come up with a more exotic synonym for). Why? Because we must defeat it. Because we must defeat it, it obviously follows that it cannot be undefeatable. Q.E.D. At least if you're an AC.

With that, Osman leapt toward the Randite statue with his scimitar. The mighty PSI blade was aimed directly at the center of the statue, where a human heart would be. The scimitar hit! ...And left a small dent in the stone statue. Two pebbles fell from the dent.
"Dude." Alan commented. "That, like, can't be a good thing."

Why? It's two pebbles. They're not very likely to hurt you.

Siris uttered a few seemingly nonsensical words.

Remember, swearing was very strictly forbidden on this forum.

A film of barely noticeable light surrounded the three friends.
"I casted a shield spell. It should protect us from some damage." Siris explained.
And the group went on battling...

And the audience went on not giving a crap.

---

Post #990, by Chris

You know what's coming up right here, right? If you're new here and you don't, I'll tell you: what's coming up here is awesome.

Chris stared a long time after Juliana had left.

And no one has the slightest doubt what at.

A few moments after she had run off, he had been hit with such a wall of emotion that he fell on the ground. Normally, he was very good at controlling himself, and he never had been physically knocked over by a thought (or series of thoughts, as the case was).

Oh yeah. Really good at controlling himself. That's why he's been doing the same things over and over throughout this thread like a broken CD.

But now, he felt a new kind of emotion, a new kind of pain.

What is a soul, if not a bowl of pain? A bowl of pain, a bowl of pain.

He felt a sense of loss. Not the kind when you lost some worldly good, or when you lost some distant relative that you hardly ever knew. Instead, he was hit by a loss of something far more precious. Someone who he cared about, and someone who cared for him.

I know, it's like he's trying to write a spectacularly eloquent eulogy. I have to give this to teenagers, they really do try their best to wring all the possible angst out of their rambling, semi-coherent declarations of pain.

Chris felt as though he was at least partially responsible for the reason Juliana suddenly had started crying, and run off.

Well, yeah. Generally if someone runs away from you crying, you are more than just partially responsible for it. And if this is the sixth time that someone has flagrantly attempted to get far away from you? Yeah, dude. Sorry to break it to you, but you're at least partially responsible here, no point denying it.

'She must have been longing for home, with her friends, her family, her life.

I guess that's one theory of what she's longing for. I have a different theory.

And yet, she's become attached to me.

Yes, there is no doubt she has. We all know that the normal, healthy human reaction when one becomes attached to someone is to try to get far away from them. Over and over and over again.

We've shared adventure together, we traveled together.

He does realize that he alone has been writing all this "adventure" that they have allegedly been "sharing", right? And that as soon as PSI322 returned from a lengthy hiatus the very first thing she did is the same as the very last thing she did before said hiatus, namely: try to get far away from Chris?

She must be feeling horrible, torn between life here, and life there.'

I have to once again confess to you that the whole "I miss my real-life family and friends, I can't decide if I want to stay here in fantasyland forever or go back to my humdrum life forever" thing as a stand-in for Chris and PSI322's stalker-stalkee relationship is so stupid it makes me want to drill through my own eyeballs.

And then Chris had another thought. 'Maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe she doesn't care for me at all, beyond a simple friendship, and I've diluted reality with some crazy notion of happiness.'

And here comes the angst, ladies and gentlemen!

I have to admit he has a point here, happiness is both crazy and a dilutant of reality. (I'm also pretty sure I just made up the word 'dilutant'.)

Chris wanted to know whether he was right or wrong, but at the same time, he knew that Juliana had to be alone for a while.

On the other hand, the awkward teenage tendency toward Check-Yes-or-No makes me want to slap teenagers everywhere around with a live and angry ferret. Spoilers: if that question ever even crosses your mind, the answer is, you are correct, she does not want you.

'She went up to her room in the hotel; there's no way she could have left Summers. In the meantime, I'll go up to mine, and I won't disturb her until she's ready to come out. And if she wants me to take her straight to the edge of the island to leave, then I'll do that. Even if it means I lose her forever.'

Beta-type guys everywhere who have been trying for centuries to pull the friends-then-sex routine are nodding their heads and saying 'well played, demonstrating to her that you really care about her, so much that you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness for hers! That always works!'

Yeah, they've been doing that for centuries, but it never works. Never. Works. Sorry, but nice guys really do finish last (and Chris miserably failing to take PSI322's attention from Asshole Deluxe guruzeth is a good demonstration). Women are usually not turned on by "I will do anything for you, you are my entire world" romantic behavior from guys. They enjoy it, but it's a different pleasure center of their brain from what arouses them. You enjoy playing World of Warcraft, right? But not at all for the same reasons you enjoy porn, right? Similar concept.

I'm not going to discuss this particular concept much more because I'm afraid of this blog showing up on PUA searches, but high-value women (PSI322, for instance, was the highest-value female on this website in 1999-2000) look for high-value men, which is mostly measured by dominating other men (guruzeth was one of the most dominant males on this website in 1999-2000).

So Chris declaring his sacrificial devotion is not helping his cause, it's hurting it. Chris throughout the Gathering is operating under the assumption that the worst thing he can do is insult guruzeth in any way, because PSI322 would be offended by it and would never speak to Chris again. That's a possible/probable outcome, yes, but what Chris missed was: in reality his only chance, however slim, of winning PSI322's heart lay in attacking guruzeth directly, challenging him for supremacy, calling him out for bulls*** (and we have already seen guruzeth providing plenty of bulls*** he could have been called out for) and then try to provoke guruzeth into counterattacking. And since guruzeth was, of course, renowned for metaphorically using the Death Star to kill a cockroach, a smoother man than Chris could have exposed guruzeth for a petty asshole (which he was) and himself a cool guy and innocent victim, and turned PSI322 against him. 

A few years after these events (and after guruzeth's assholery had finally turned PSI322 against him all on its own) SimonBob, a much smoother man than Chris, effectively drove guruzeth out of the EarthBound community for good by doing exactly the above and playing it well. 

OK, I'm finished with that point and won't harangue about it again. I'll go back to sniping at Chris with snide comments now.

And, having tried unsuccessfully to resolve his conflict, he went upstairs to his room, and spent the whole night staring out at the ocean, thinking about home and Juliana.

I have little doubt this is, in reality, exactly what he did. Bear in mind a full day (23 hours, to be exact) passed between PSI322's last post and this one. No doubt Chris spent most of the night and all of the day moping and trying to decide how to best communicate to PSI322 that he really cares about her. 

And hey, I'll be fair to Chris here: at least he had balls enough to try. Sure he's doing everything exactly wrong, but he's inexperienced, and it takes balls to try to steal the forum supreme dictator's girlfriend. I have it on good authority that, before getting into said e-lationship, that very forum dictator, for all the macho he threw around on the internet, spent three years in high school pining for a particular girl in the same way Chris is pining for PSI322, and never once saying a word to her about it. Chris's desire for PSI322's affection at least drove him to try, dammit. 

OK, I'll go back to making fun of Chris now. Promise.

[This message has been edited by Chris (edited 05-14-2000).]

Posts #961-965: 12 May 2000

Post #961, by guruzeth

When guruzeth and Tracy emerged from the Pyramid, they realized quickly that they were now on the opposite side of Scaraba from the entrance. "Umm, guru," said Tracy, "how are we gonna get back to civilization?"

"We'll probably have to swim for it..." said guruzeth. "The river that divides the two continents isn't very wide, but the current runs really fast. We'll probably have to ride the current to the ocean, and then ride the tide back to shore."

I'm pretty sure that if you did some actual, whatyacallit, swimming, you would reach the far shore before the current carried you to the ocean. Also you fail understanding of tides and currents forever.

I do admire guruzeth and Traceh for declining to teleport around like everyone else does, though.

"Sounds kinda dangerous... but jumping in some water sounds like a great idea right now," said Tracy; they were already getting sticky from the searing heat.

"You know," said guruzeth, "now that I think about it, Dungeon Man is still stuck in some palm trees a couple miles to the south... It'd be awesome to go check it out, but we'd have to wait for nightfall to walk there."

Obviously guruzeth did not read Chris's posts from back well before guruzeth showed up.

"Ugh, I just wanna go inside somewhere, and cool off," said Tracy.

"It's about a mile's walk to the north to find the river to North Scaraba," said guru. "Let's try and find some water or food around here. I think there's a merchant somewhere..."

A mile is a dangerously long way to try to walk across a desert in the middle of the day.

They began walking to the north, and before long they found the merchant they were looking for. "These prices are outrageous!" said Tracy.

"What do you expect, he's the only guy out here..." said guru, pulling his already depleted wallet. "We need a couple bottles of water, and a couple Picnic Lunches."

I don't believe that guy sells Picnic Lunches, but whatever.

"Alright, that'll be $448!" said the merchant. guruzeth shook his head and handed over the money, and they took shade under a tree to partake of their brief meal. "That's about it for my money," said guru. "And my ATM card is gone since that shipwreck. "We gotta get back to the mainland so I can call the bank and get a new card."

I would love to hear how that shipwreck deprived you of your ATM card but not your wallet. You keep your ATM card somewhere other than your wallet, Boy Genius?

"Sounds good to me," said Tracy. "I'd still like to know where everyone else is, though. I haven't seen anyone in a long time, except you..."

Now here's something unexpected: guruzeth, not Traceh, is the first to announce (subtly, but still) that he's grown bored with this exclusive plotline. (Actually, with behind-the-scenes knowledge I can tell you this is because he and PSI322 are conspiring to get their ACs together as expeditiously as possible, leaving Traceh as the Unlucky Childhood Friend of sorts. Which is too bad, she's an excellent poster and deserves better.)

"They've gotta be somewhere in Eagleland, is my guess," said guru. "Let's wait here until the sun gets lower, then we'll set off to get back to North Scaraba, and then we'll decide where to go next."

Four hours or so later, guru awakened to see the long, late-evening shadows. They had both fallen asleep at some point. He shook Tracy awake. "Alright, we need to get going now," he said when she awakened and sat up. They set off to the north, with the setting sun to their left, in the waning light.

Little did they know how cold the desert night could be, and they both were shivering when they made it to the shores of the river.

It's true, as I said in my last post. Desert nights can be chilly.

"I'm flippin freezing!" said Tracy. "I'm not getting in that water now!"

+1 to guruzeth for knowing 'flippin'' is one of Traceh's modifiers of choice.

"Fine, we'll wait for daybreak, and get some sleep in the meantime," said guru, finding a good place to lie down near a tree.

Didn't you just get done sleeping four hours? Man, I want that Sleep At Will feat.

"When it gets hot, the water won't be much trouble." He turned over and went to sleep almost immediately, and Tracy did the same a few yards away, taking shelter in some brush for warmth.

That's hilariously stupid. Brush is not warm.

---

Post #962, by Pikachu3164

Pikachu, Tim, Nathan, Poryhedron, and Shock Bird jumped into the museum, paid 25 dollars admission fee, and ran into the museum.

"Hey! You canit go into that room! Staff only!" Mr. Spoon yelled. Or is Mr. Fork the Fourside guy... I can't remember.

Right, because you only played EarthBound once and that was a couple years ago. You've been playing pokemon nonstop ever since. (It's Mr. Spoon.)

[Good thing I prepared! I'll give you a signed Pepsi can! Venus' autograph!]

Well, points to him for remembering that detail.

"Go right in!"

After leaving Poryhedron as a guard at the ladder into the museum, the four walked and swam in the sewer.

...swam in the sewer? I can't even... no. Just no.

Then, they heard Sir's voice on the Telepathy System. [I repeat, all SM.Net members rendevous at the hotel if you want to return to your vacation...]

"Whoa! That sounded like Sir! What should we do?" asked Nathan.

Tim replied with the only logical answer. "Let's get Pikachu this melody, and go back to the hotel."

I weep for your team's fate if Liyoshi is its designated logician. I weep until my eyes run dry.

---

Post #963, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

(Because of that, let's say Dave checked out and left home for New Jersey, leaving a note for waffle appologizing that he couldn't stay longer.)

Because of what? I'm not complaining. I'm just confused.

[Good thinkin'] said Shock Bird. [But when we battle the Plague Rat, watch out for my Big Thunder attack. It hurts, and can hurt anyone but me. The only way for it to indefinatly hit the Plague Rat is if you all get KOed or become unconsious.]

So clearly the right play is kill everyone on your team, deep fry Plague Rat of Doom's ass, then get the melody and revive the rest of your team later. (That last part is optional.)

~~back with Poryhedron~~
Should I leave for the hotel? thought Poryhedron, who just found a crossiant. He was holding it between his feet that doubled as hands. He was still moving because of his anti-grav systems. I promised Pikachu to guard for him.

Yeah, this split-the-party thing is exactly why "one AC per writer" was canonical. Otherwise Tengu would work however many ACs were necessary to control every plotline. With the one AC rule, the best he can do, as you've seen several times here, is try to control other plotlines with out-of-character comments.

A Stinky Ghost ran by, but was literally frozen by Poryhedron's Blizzard attack.
A Deadly Mouse ran by, but he was forced back to normal by Poryhedron's Psychic attack.
Poryhedron knew Pikachu wouldn't like a regular Crossiant, so he went online through the museum's phone line by plugging his tail into the museum phone line. He went to the Starmen.net message board and downloaded a recipe for homemade Peanut Cheese Bars using cheese and chunky peanut butter. He, at light speed (using Agility), bought the ingredients, unraveled the crossiant, followed the instructions up until the instructions where you roll up the cheese with peanut butter on it. Poryhedron rolled up the crossiant and made a treat for Pikachu, to give to him after the battle: the Peanut Cheese Crossiant Bar!

My god. It hurts. It hurts. Make it stop.

He then stored it inside his chest as data, to be pulled out in its physical form, just as it was.
I'll stay! thought Poryhedron.
~~back with Pikachu and the gang~~

[This message has been edited by SuperSpeedy/ Mankey Boy (edited 05-12-2000).]

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Post #964, by PikaChan

New poster alert!

PikaChan was yet another certified female. And she was crazy. I don't mean she was different or out there. I mean she was certifiably insane. I believe she was about 11 or 12 in 2000.

'I love this place....' LaLa read.
'Me too.' she replied.
'It's a lot easier to come here when we want to talk. The melody is so soothing too.' the thought on the wall read.

I actually like the way she just drops us into the action.

PikaChan and her best friend Princess LaLa (who everyone called LaLa) were sitting in the middle of the Lumine Hall, having a "conversation". PikaChan yawned. She stroked her Eevee's head as it slept in her arms. Eevee always slept so peacefully. LaLa's Meowth was sleeping too.

Yet another pokemon kiddie. And yet another person who could not care less what the rules are. And yes, it was perfectly standard for PikaChan to work her imaginary friend into her IF writing.

'Tired?' LaLa's thought read.
'Yeah.....' PikaChan replied.
'Heh heh...'
'I feel a strange power coming from this place. It makes me feel reenergized.' PikaChan thought.
'Yeah. And that beautiful melody.....it sounds like something from EarthBound!'
PikaChan jumped up, still holding Eevee. She returned it to it's Pokeball. 'Hey! If this really IS EarthBound, then there are 7 other places just like this!!!'

Are you getting the sinking suspicion PikaChan hasn't read any of the Gathering at all, and is just jumping in because it's huge and everyone's talking about it? Good. I'm glad it wasn't just me.

'Hey yeah! Let's go to Magnet Hill or something!' LaLa called her Meowth into it's Pokeball.
PikaChan nodded. 'Yeah. Waitaminute....what if we hafta battle that Plague Rat?' she thought.
'Well, we'll just trash him like we did Electro Specter..' LaLa replied.

It's a pretty good answer, really.

The two friends quickly jumped in the hole into the Lost Underworld, then teleported to Fourside.

[This message has been edited by PikaChan (edited 05-12-2000).]

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Post #965, by Anthadd

Darting to and from each nook and cranny, Anthadd, the youthful golf-club wielder, tried to discover the least danger-fraught path to the Shining Spot deep within the Fire Springs.

There is in fact only one path that leads there, so you don't have any say in the danger level.

Avoiding, in particular, the Psychic Psychos, he climbed many of the rock faces, and, at times, ended up having to catch his breath.
Unwrapping one of his last granola bars, Anthadd savoured the taste, thinking it may be his last.

I would hate for my last snack to be a granola bar. He should have packed Swiss cake rolls.

Nearing the Shining Spot, he began perspiring faster.
"Must be there...soon...need milk...water...anything..." And he collapsed again, before sending a plea for help. (Anthadd! Fire Springs! Help!)

(Note: if you think I'm overdoing the comas, I don't care.)

I'm actually more concerned that you're overdoing commas, truth be told. But thank you for informing us of your disinterest. I assure you we do not care about you, either.

I really have no recollection of Anthadd being this needy. But hey, we all were when we were 12.

Posts #956-960: 11 May 2000

Post #956, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

"Well," said Poryhedron. "I'll come, but the farthest I'm going is the enterance/exit ladder. I'll stop some bad guys from coming to get you, but I'm not moving away from the ladder. Any further, within 2¾ miles of the magnet in Magnet Hill, and I'll be corrupted and sent to the closest computer to be put in the virtual Trash or Recycle Bin and deleted. It's 3 miles of sewer, for crying out loud! I might, however, see if a real trash can wasn't deplated, by Ness and his gang, of a Croissant."

I think he was going for "depleted" there, even though it doesn't make sense in context. I can think of no other possible word that even makes the slightest, most twisted sense.

Shock Bird then flew in the window.
"Besides," continued Poryhedron, "my pal Shock Bird will be with you!"
shock Bird crowed and said, [Don't you forget it! Y'all ready?]
[Yep!] said Pikachu.
"Yeah!" said Tim.
"Sorta," said Poryhedron, uneasily. "But I won't help you with the Plague Rat!"
[OK!] said Shock Bird. [Hop on my back and guide me to the enterance. I try to fly straight to the santuary and it's 'Bye-bye, Poryhederon, FOREVER!!' Plus, some force will push me back. Giygas put a shield around, but not under, Magnet Hill, according to my inspection. Not even my PSI Shield Steal could get it from the hill!]
They hopped on Shock Bird, and…

You see, this is why pokemon and its legions of 10-year-old fans were so thoroughly detested by the more vocal half of the EarthBound community at the time: because they would not stop polluting forum threads--everywhere, not just in IF, though the problem was keenest on the IF forum--with nonsense muck like you just read here. Pokemon was all they ever thought about. 

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Post #957, by TsuramiSea

The bus to Fourside cruised along through the long and hot desert road.

He feels the need to point out the desert is hot despite the facts that (a) it is common knowledge that deserts are hot, and (b) his AC is presumably sitting inside an air conditioned bus and would not notice.

TsuramiSea sighed, sitting somewhere in the middle of the bus. There were some pretty creepy people on there, so he just kept quiet as the vehicle sailed along.

Heh, pretty creepy people. Says the Tenguling.

"Well, well, well.... hope I get to Fourside soon. Then maybe I can find a boat to Chommo, yeah...." He shifted around, trying to get comfortable in a sitting position.

His assertion that sitting is uncomfortable is curious. Many people, including myself, seek out opportunities to be in a sitting position because we find it comfortable.

He checked his goods. He had plenty of food, and his mallet, and the bracelet he had bought. He had notebooks and pencils and pens for writing and drawing, and a book or two to read. He considered himself ready. But maybe, just maybe, he'd buy a bicycle helmet in Fourside to wear for extra protection.

You have to weigh the defense bonus (+2 at default) against the increased likelihood that wandering around a major city looking like a total dork will get you unnecessarily attacked.

Riding along towards Fourside, TsuramiSea hoped to meet some more friends from SM.Net....

He closes every post with that line or something very close to it, almost ritualistically. I think it's a combination of "wants to make e-friends" and "doesn't want to participate in the Lavos stupidity right now". Even Tengulings have a little bit of free will.

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Post #958, by EBPoo

After defeating three Krakens, the leader of the Krakens made a compromise with Poo. "If you don't attack us anymore, I will give you the Gutsy Bat," said King Kraken.

It's not that much of a prize. Apparently the Nothing Blue Drugstore stocks them these days.

"What do I do what a bat? I'm experienced in using my sword," Poo replied.

It's a good point. In EarthBound Poo can't equip anything but the Sword of Kings without losing a substantial amount of Offense.

"Well, take it anyway," King Kraken said before submerging beneath the water. Poo took the bat and threw it away.

LOL. I have to admit, I love pointless-but-entertaining posts. Almost as much as I loathe pointless-and-boring posts.

He then went up a little platform. A dark, black figure was hiding in the shadows. "So...Poo, you finally made it," said the figure in a low voice.

"Yes, I made it. So who are you?" asked Poo.

"I...am...your evil side. I was the one who talked to you when you came here," replied the voice.

"Oh. So you're my evil side...how's it going?" asked Poo.

"Nevermind that! We're out to take over the world. With my power and your intelligence, the world is ours!" declared the voice.

"So...reveal yourself already," commanded Poo. The figure stepped out of the shadows and revealed himself to look exactly like Poo. Except he was dressed in all black. "Cool look," complimented Poo.

I would think EBPoo, being villainous, would have to conquer his good side. Which would be a brief curbstomp battle, but still. Formality and all.

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Post #959, by Traceh

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" they both screamed in unison. guruzeth stood and pulled Tracy to her feet, just in time to see the hyroglyphs come at them once more.

Seriously, the first couple times I was willing to write it off to coincidence, but it seems like there's just a little dab of touchy-feely in every guruzeth/Traceh post and it's starting to make me uncomfortable. Please to stop?

"Letts get out of here!" Tracy yelled.

Traceh is not about to be sucked into pointless battling. Good for her. Well done.

guru gave the monsters a look an said in a calm voice, "We already fell down the hole in the pyramid, if I remember correctly there are just a few more rooms in here before the hall that leads to the exit!"

No, I can't fathom why she thought it was necessary to point out how calm he was either. It's probably because, as a side effect of the Magic Insect, he's now stoned out of his mind.

guruzeth grabed her wrist and yanked in the direction of the small door.

See! There she goes again! And nobody's fooled by the wrist-not-hand maneuver. It's like she has trouble moving if her wrist/arm isn't being held.

Tracy had just enough time to toss the egg-filled bottle in her bag before they took to their heels and into the next room and down the hall, being as quiet as they could so they didnt wake up any more unwanted company.

It would make me so happy if some random poster would write "suddenly Darkton jumped out of the shadows!" Ahh, if only anyone ever read anyone else's plotline...

At the end of the tunnle they were covered in scrapes and bruises but were, for the most part, still alive.

But for a small part, dead. But only in a small part mostly dead.

Tracy tied back her hair and they looked up at the door a few feet away. "At least we got to see them!" she said. "Now I know I wont be visiting any more pyramids any time soon."

Hey, it's important in life to experience new things and learn valuable lessons. Even if most valuable lessons have to be learned the hard way.

"Say goodbye to the ancient pyramids...." guruzeth wispered.

Because they're still trying to keep quiet, I think, not because he's being dramatic.

He was not looking forward to the outside air, the sun beating down on them like an ocean of heat. Neither was Tracy, to be honest.

That actually would not bother me all that much. I have never paid much attention to temperature extremes while outdoors. Indoors, however, I am a bitch and get cranky if the temperature isn't between 69 and 71 degrees. It beats the heck out of me why.

Slowly they walked up the small flight of stairs, still quiet if only for the small sliver of a chance of danger that still lurked, emerging into the sunlight and the humid air.

You know, I wonder how long they were in that Pyramid, exactly. It was broad daylight when they entered it. I would think there's a pretty good chance it would actually be night when they walked out. In which case, as is normal for deserts, the air would actually be somewhat chilly.

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Post #950, by SirMontyG

(Thanks for clearing that up, Osman)

"Well, let's see, if I'm gonna stop that Randite in Kyio's body and DarkTon, I'm gonna need some help.." Sir said, walking out of the spa and to the lobby.

*Ding* "Hmm, yes sir?" The man behind the counter asked

"hey, how'd ya know my name? Umm, anyways, I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how I could contact everyone on the island at once."

"Well, the PA system would be a good bet, but it may not reach everyone on the island. You could use our complimentary telepathic servace, free with the stay."

"Wow! How do I do that?"

"Just go up to your room, Turn on the TV, and turn to channel 12 1/3, and speak through the telephone."

"That's incredible! Can I get HBO?"

"No, that would cost extra."

"Okay, well thanks a lot!" Sir left a buck in the tip jar and ran up to his room.

I can't stop chuckling while I'm reading this. Major Asshole's genius is the ease with which he parodies (and skewers) ancient If traditions like Instant Telepathy.

[[SHHwhurrrrr*Click*! Is this thing on? Oh, great. *ahem* Attention all AC's! This is Sir! I'm calling for help on destroying the evil on this island so we can get back to the party we originaly started!

See, if he wanted to do that, shouldn't he just ignore all the evil and get to partying? A wise man once said, "when times are at their darkest, pal... it's a brave man that can kick back and party."

Please, if we all ban together we can destoy lavos, the randites, and an evil figure roming the island named DarkTom who promises to be quite a threat.

Ban together? guruzeth will approve of that plan.

Roundevou' at the hotel to prepare. This can be one of SM.Net's greatest moments! And remember, there's no justice like angry mob justice..Thank youwrrrrrrSSHHHH*Click*!]]
Rendezvous is the word he failed at.

As for me, I was invited to a meeting where forming a Neighborhood Watch program was being discussed. I stood up and said such a program was a waste of time and resources and would never accomplish anything useful, and instead we should form a Vigilante Mob program.

I wasn't invited to any further meetings.

Posts #941-945: 10 May 2000

Post #941, by Chris

In the hours that followed, Chris and Juliana sunbathed, swam, built sand castles, and just generally enjoyed the beach.

Chris especially was enjoying the view.

After spending most of the afternoon on the waterfront, they decided to tour the town a little bit. They visited the Scaraba Cultural Museum, and saw interesting exhibts about the ancient past of Scaraba.

Such as--I am not making this up--Ram Raisin the Fifth's training pot.

They visited Toto, and browsed among the shops there. They visited the little food carts found along the boardwalk, though they passed on the Magic Cake for now.

You might remark that you couldn't care less about any of this, but then I might point out that it's not about you, you selfish asshole. Chris is thoroughly enjoying writing this, thank you very much. Daydreaming in print is indeed much fun.

Eventually, it started getting on towards dinner time, and the two of them had made reservations at the premier restaraunt in town. Chris had rented a suit from a small shop he had found in Toto, and was preparing himself for dinner. After dressing and spending a little time looking at the ocean from his room, he set off to meet Juliana outside the restaraunt.

An interesting person would probably find something more involved to do than stare at the ocean, or at least think some kind of heavy, fascinating thoughts while staring.

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Post #942, by Mog116

(Uh... Kay. Threed, I guess. No, wait, how bout Saturn Valley?)

Clearly he doesn't know the answer to murkkie's question, either, so he's winging it. Straight in the direction of the action, of course.

"Uh, Where're we going?" Andrew asked. [Er... I dunno. Dusty Dunes is by Saturn Valley, right?] "Isn't that where Lavos is?"
[You think we can't take his robot part?] "But isn't Lavos stronger because he has fused with Giygas?" [Er... You're right. We better not go yet.]

That is the very first time I have ever heard such ridiculous bulls---. I pray it goes unnoticed forever.

"How bout..." Neither Mog nor Andrew released that they had been walking straight at a big hole in the ground. "[Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!]" Mog and Andrew screamed. (murkkie, you tell where we are. I'm to lazy.)

I don't like even Mog116's chances in a laziness contest against murkkie.

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Post #943, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

(SS/MB opened this post by quoting Luna's last post in its entirety, which I'm not going to include here because it's a hideous waste of precious space.)

(It's Poryhedron! Not SuperSpeedy! Speaking of him, I'm going to say he'll just be sleeping in the hotel, so I no longer use him. He'll make cameos, but he isn't important to me. So I'll try to introduce Shock Bird…)

By "him" he meant SuperSpeedy. I think. He's declaring Poryhedron his primary AC now.

"Uh, Pikachu?" said Poryhedron, waking Pikachu up.
"Cha-a-a-a!" yawned Pikachu. He then said, [What?]
Poryhedron, afraid Pikachu would use an electric attack, used Conversion veriaton 2 to change his resistance to electric attacks. He then said, "You said we're going to Magnet Hill, right?"

Wouldn't it have been brighter to have electric-proofed yourself before waking up the emo electric rat? Come to think of it, if 3164 had that ability he'd probably use it to set Electric as his weakness. So he could hurt himself more.

[Yeah,] said Pikachu, who tried to shock him with a spark, but failed. [Why?]
"I'm made of computer code!" shouted Poryhedron. "I get messed up by magnets! I go, and I die! It's a suicide mission for me, I tell ya! In other words, I'm not going!"

Well, it's this close to being a good point. All he missed is that code can't be messed up by magnets. It's the physical apparatus that stores the code (disk drives) that gets messed up by magnets.

Just then, a Zapdos crashed through the window. It crowed and said, [I'll do it for ya!]
"Shock Bird!" said Poryhedron. "You made it! Pikachu, this is my friend, Shock Bird."
It crowed and said, [Pleased to meet ya!] It shook hands/talons with Pikachu.
[Thanks,] said Pikachu. [Now let me sleep.]
It crowed and said, [OK. I'll just build a nest on the ceiling. Just give a shout when it's time!]
Shock Bird used Agility! It built its nest in 10 minutes*!
(*Electric-type, and Flying-type, Pokémon are really fast. Agility lets a Pokémon double its speed. It can use Agility up to 8 times in battle, though it'd have more energy to use it.)

Unsatisfied with demonstrating through his spectacular writing how cool Pokemon is, SS/MB has added technical explanations to his proselytizing efforts.

---

Post #944, by TsuramiSea

The king of remarkably long posts is back. (By 2000 standards. Just yesterday I popped into what little now remains of Starmen.Net's IF forum, and by its standards what you are about to read is a very short post. About half the average post length. This is near the top of a long list of what's wrong with IF in modern times.)

The boy arrived in Twoson and began checking everywhere, except for the Orange Kid's house, he doubted that anyone would be there. He worked his way up the town from the tunnel, and was completely unsuccessful until he reached the hospital.

TsuramiSea entered the big, white, sterile building and began to look around the lobby. He went up to the receptionist. "Say, are these visiting hours?" he questioned.

"Yes, until 5:00. Are you visiting a friend?"

"Yes, I sure am."

"I can find the room number for you. What is the person's name?"

"I don't know, I just know a friend is here," remarked Tsurami calmly, and walked upstairs, leaving the receptionist baffled.

I hope this ends up with a brawl with security. Even I can't always suppress my violent urges.

TsuramiSea looked around the hall until he saw a girl pacing around nervously. "Hello there!" he called. "Might you be one of the SM.Net members?"

The girl looked surprised for a moment, and answered, "Yeah, who are you?"

"I'm TsuramiSea! Which SM.Netter are you?"

"I'm Mani Mani," she replied. "So, you're TsuramiSea?"

Say what? I can only imagine this was planned out ahead of time, as many Tenguling posts were.

"Yes," he returned simply. "Pleased to meet you."

"Same here," said Mani Mani with a slight smile. Silence followed.

Tsurami finally found the nerve to ask a question. "So.... what's been going on? I got here LATE, when everyone was already exploring. All I know is that Lavos is here, and.... well, that's all I know."

I read the entire last 600 posts, and you're not very far off from knowing everything I know. Plus you didn't have to read the account of Liyoshi's epic battle, which lasted approximately as long as the French and Indian War but was even more pointless. So you came out ahead, really.

Mani sighed. "Well, I don't know about any others, but a person named Darth and I were traveling to find the chosen ones. Ness, Paula, and Jeff were all at a picnic in Twoson. We traveled for a while, finding Sanctuary Spots, when Lavos came. It landed in Fourside. (Ah! thought Tsurami. So that's what the hint guy meant by "the Big Banana"!) In the end, we were fighting it with Falcon24..." This came as a surprise to Tsurami, who had heard that Falcon summoned it. "... and Falcon got destroyed. Then we all attacked it, and Ness did an attack that blew away the eye, but put him into a coma. He came out of it, though, now we're waiting for Darth to come back with Poo."

I think maybe he's trying to help murkkie out by summarizing the last 600 posts in a single paragraph. It's sad to say, but he did a pretty fair job of it.

"Ah, I see," said TsuramiSea. "Is this Darth an SM.Netter too?"

"Yes," said Mani. "As a matter of fact.... he's Jack!"

TsuramiSea did his blinking bit again. "Jack is here, is he.... it would certainly be an amusing scene to meet him..." TsuramiSea giggled mischievously to himself. Then he said, "Well, I really should get back to looking for the others. It was nice to meet you though, Mani Mani."

The Tenguling worship of their Glorious Leader was just this side of a crush. Let's move on.

"Same here," she said.

"And hope you find Poo!" called Tsurami, as he went down the stairs.

Outside of the hotel, Tsurami considered his next move. "Well, other friends are in Summers, Scaraba, and Lumine Hall cave. I could reach those places, they're all in Chommo. But, I'll need a boat from Fourside or something, I'm still on Eagleland! On top of that, I've only been as far as Threed!"

You're probably confused, so let me explain: "Chommo" is the name Tengu Man came up with for the non-Eagleland areas of the EarthBound world. Yes, I know it sounds stupid. No, no one outside the Tenguling Brigade will ever pay any attention to it. We done here?

He gave a little sigh of resignation. "Dusty Dunes Desert, here I come...." He began walking down the street towards the Chaos Theater, but had a bright idea. "Wait! I can take the bus! Just 'cause I never use it in the game, doesn't mean I can't use it now!" Ready for a bus ride, Tsurami took off for the bus station.

Long trips on a bus are not really something to look forward to, in my experience. And I have more experience in the matter than I'd like.

[This message has been edited by TsuramiSea (edited 05-10-2000).]

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Post #945, by Little Yoshi

(Mog, I forgot I got Magnet Hill! Anyway, Pikachu needs our help, and don't know this Shock bird character, so I think Nathan and I might be useful)

You know, it's a little sad that SS/MB thought "Shock Bird" was an imaginative name for a Zapdos.

"I think Mog is back, so, I'll give him back his stuff," Tim said, and teleported Mog's stuff(yep, all of it) to Mog.

Hey, don't look at me like that. The shorter Liyoshi's posts are, the happier I'll be.