Posts #1112-1115: 21 May 2000

Post #1112, by EBPoo

[Well, Part 3 met the same fate as the other parts (it got messed up), so here's Part 4. By the way, Part 3 has been added to the archive, so go there if you need to read the latest]
Sadly, we didn't get to see the Forum Mini-Ghost make an actual post this time.

Thread 4 is the last full thread in the Gathering. Thread 5 is only about a page and a half (70-ish posts) long, and that's it! We're actually rounding the final turn and driving for home, boys and girls!

"Quick! Wheel him into the emergency room!" commanded a doctor. So, while doctors and nurses were busy with the strange figure they had picked up, Poo, Juliana, Chris, diospadre, guruzeth, and Tracy waited in the waiting room. "I KNOW I've seen that person somewhere before," Poo said to the others.

Granting that everything up to and including trees are people too, Falcon24 is less of a 'person' per se and more of a giant bird-thing, if I recall. Or maybe he morphed into a human when he fell unconscious onto diospadre's windshield, I don't know.

"I know. I think I've seen him from somewhere too," commented guruzeth. Finally, the light went off and the doctor came out. "The patient is doing fine. He's recovering gradually. But, the weird thing is, his molecular structure seems to be affected by a strange circumstance."

"English, Doc?" said Chris.

"Well, it's almost as if he died and then came back to life," said the doctor.

"Uh...?" said the group bewilderedly.

Look, I don't know how death and resurrection changes your molecular structure either, but it's fantastic fiction, just roll with it. 

By the way, Traceh has healing bugs in a jar. Why did they take Falcon24 to a hospital? Even stranger since the hospital thing was Traceh's idea. It would at least be understandable if, say, PSI322 took the party to the hospital because she wasn't aware Traceh had healing bugs. Maybe the bottle is labeled FOR GURUZETH'S USE ONLY, I don't know.

[This message has been edited by EBPoo (edited 05-21-2000).]

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Post #1113, by Pikachu3164

((Part 4. Yikes. That's a lot of posts...))

I know, right? One thousand one hundred and twelve of them, to be exact.

((Oh, and we don't know what the final melodies sound like, Ton. Just use your imagination.))

And that is the only response t0nberry22 will ever get.

**********
[Well, if you put it that way, I think I'll super-attack him and leave, kay? Kay.]

Maybe t0nberry22's generous offer will be taken by some parties as a good mechanism to get away from Lavos, who has now become boring.

So Pikachu used his super secret attack that I've hinted at about twice, Earth Alpha, his reward for collecting the 10 melodies. It did quite a bit of damage, but he had no PP left anymore, so he had to leave. [Okay. Bye bye.] Pikachu jumped through the portal, and ended up just outside Lavos.

[Yeah! Vacation! Finally! Woo hoo! Let's see here... Eagleland Resort should be west of here, so I should go... That way.]

Pikachu walked out of Saturn Valley and came across the Yoshi. [Or, I can wait for my friends in here!]

The Yoshi is Liyoshi's invincible ship, isn't it? I'm a bit confused about this, but no way in hell am I reading any Liyoshi posts to figure it out.

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Post #1114, by diospadre

(WARNING! WARNING! A plost hole the siz of a mack truck is about to be fixed up! The events of this flashback take place dierectly after my last post, where the group jumped into my explorer.)

I honestly don't know what plot hole he's referring to, so it can't be that large.

As diospadre sat with the others in the hospital, he recalled the events which gave him back his life. He rewinded his mind to the fateful question guruzeth had asked him back in the car: Who was he?

"Well, my name is diospadre, and I *was* the manager of that beautiful ho-" he was cut off by the stunned looks of the carload of people. "What..? Is there something in my teeth?"

"I was right!" guruzeth exclaimed. "You are dios! But aren't you...dead? Your little brother emailed reidman months ago saying you were lost at sea..."

Ohhhh. The plot hole diospadre is referring to is the fact that the Five Friends immediately acted like they'd always known who diospadre was. diospadre was expecting more of a "wait, who are you?" and a big reveal, and the Five Friends disappointed him. He's doing it retroactively anyway, like a Game Master who wrote out five pages of NPC backstory, only for the PCs to immediately kill the NPC as soon as they meet him. The GM will always find a way to work that backstory in somewhere, sooner or later. And so does diospadre.

"Well, that would explain something. You see, three months ago I woke up in a hospital in Toto. I had no memory of anything. Do I know you from before?" dios asked.

Traceh pulled the small bottle from her bag. Sure enough, a few of the eggs had hatched. She took one of the tiny blue bugs and held it up to dios. "Yes you do know us, but I think you should eat one of these. I think it will help you regain your memory."

Right, the magic healing bugs Traceh carries around. Even diospadre remembered them.

"Eat...a...bug? But I'm a businessman! I'm not going to do that!" dios proudly stated.

"You're not a businessman, dios, you're a high-schooler. And I also remember seeing you in a bellhop's uniform only yesterday." guruzeth replied.

"Well, okay. If I remember, then I'll do it. " dios took the bug from Tracy and popped it into his mouth. After gagging and spitting it out, he took another one from her and succesfully forced it down.

Everything suddenly came rushing back to him. His family. Chicago. His house. EarthBound. Starmen.net. Then the Spring Break Cruise. This was the hardest thing to remember, and was being replayed in his mind like a movie.

diospadre remembered the day he won the ticket to go on the cruise. It was a political fantasy cruise, with all the top lawmakers and enforcers (and yes, the interpreters) of the country. He could picture the shade of green guruzeth had to be wearing when he was informed of his luck.

diospadre and guruzeth were both planning careers in law and politics at that time, you see. diospadre is now a lawyer, and guruzeth is writing annotations no one reads about a thread on the internet twelve years ago. You do the math.

The cruise didn't turn out so great, though. While playing shuffleboard with Al Gore, the two became embroiled in a heated deabte. As dios won both the debate and the game, Gore smacked dios on the back of the head with the little shuffleboard stick, who proceeded to fall overboard, unconcious. And now he was here, driving around a carload of kids he didn't even know, on an island that...was EARTHBOUND!?

Now it was guruzeth's turn to do a little explaining. First he told dios of the origins of the island, then he introduced himself and the group. dios once again felt whole, but for how long?

If you don't think that was the most awesome backstory you have ever read, get the hell out of my site.

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Post #1115, by loid

(AHHHHH! Part 4?!! I've said it before and I'll say it agian, this IF is cursed. And thanks for de-paralyzing me pikachu13825whatever)

It's not cursed, it's just very, very long. (That's what he said.)

"You just don't get it. Do you?" said Randite to Ton
"What do you mean Kiyo?" asked T0n

"There, you still think I'm Kiyo, don't you? I'm not. I'm Randite, I'm not going to listen to anybody, tell me who or what to be, not trying to be like anybody, tired of playing make-belive."
"Cool!" said Ton. "That ryhmes! You got a poem thing like team rocket now!"
"Still dont get it huh? Take this!"
(ZAP)
"OW! OWWWWW!"
Ton tried to cast everyone's grudge but since alot of people here were glad that Randite beat the Lavos Exterior it didn't have much effect.
"We'll meet agian Ki- I mean Randite!" Ton jumped through the portal and left, Randite jumped in after him.

I'm sad because I expect so much more from a loid post, and he's been letting me down lately. :(

[This message has been edited by loid (edited 05-22-2000).]

Posts #1091-1095: 20-21 May 2000

Post #1091, by EBPoo

For the fifth time that night, Poo rolled over on his bed. "Ack, I can't sleep," Poo muttered quietly. Walking out to get a glass of water, Poo bumped into guruzeth who had also waken up. "Hey guru, can't sleep either?"

I have no idea what provoked EBPoo to invest four sentences in engaging guruzeth in conversation. The best logic I can piece together would be: he's bored, but he doesn't want to detach himself from team guruzeth, and he doesn't expect if he goes off and does something the rest of the team will like it or come along (remember, all three forum administrators are in this group and one is mercurial, one is bullheadedly dull and one is an asshole). So this is a way of saying 'hey guruzeth, can't you come up with something other than this stupid amusement park stuff?'

The part of that logic that doesn't quite ring true to me is the 'EBPoo doesn't want to leave team guruzeth' part. EBPoo generally liked to be where the action was, and not much action was likely to take place in this crew. But that's my best shot at it.

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Post #1092, by SaturnAl

When Alan was surfing, he did not check behind him.

"WATCH OUT!!!" yelled GW.

Behind Alan, 4 huge creatures, looking like lavos, but smaller, were rising above the water. They were (High pitched lavos organ music plays) Lavos spawns!!!

Engage battle!

There's a saying in the writing world that (paraphrased) anytime the story starts feeling dull, have something attack the protagonists. Well, IF just takes it to its logical conclusion. 

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Post #1093, by Traceh

That reminds me: the Lavos Spawn attacking the beach is bringing the Lavos Stupidity into close proximity to team guruzeth, which is actively avoiding it by doing boring stuff. We are in for some grand entertainment when these worlds collide. Oh, boy, are we ever.

"Hahahahah...you really think so!?" Tracy asked in disbelief. She sat on the pillow and laughed again.

"Well, I dont know, but I'm pretty sure," replied Juliana.

I don't know if Traceh had anything specific in mind that she and Juliana were laughing about--in my mind it's something making fun of Chris, or maybe guruzeth--or if it was just a generic snippet of girl conversation. It could go either way.

She went back to her book and jotted down a few notes. Then she took out a seperate book and started to write, a look of concentration and peace at the same time crossed her face.

This is what made Traceh one of the very best IF writers despite her atrocious typo rate. She was thoughtful. She had read enough PSI322 posts to know that PSI322 liked writing poetry and liked appearing peaceful and content while doing so.

They had decided to stay up for a while and they could hear the guys in the next room up to something, no doubt beating eachother down at Super Smash Bros. Tracy painted her toenails with a weirdish aqua color then offered it to Juliana who politely declined.

I cannot imagine voluntarily investing my free time in something so pointless and boring as painting my toenails. But then, I have zero artistic inclination on a 0-to-10000 scale, which is related to scoring a perfect zero on the artistic skill scale also.

After a while the noise next door died down and deminished.

The Department of Redundancy Department approves of that sentence.

Tracy had the biggest urge to grab a can of shaving cream and molassas and play the part of 'annoying younger sister', but then reconsidered.

"What kind of rides do you usually go on?" asked Juliana, looking up from her book.

Tracy finished her nails and sat up to grab a book. "Well....I like the rides that do a zillion flips I guess. Oh and those water rides, those are like galactic. Heh... lazer tag is gonna be great though. Too bad they play such bad music in there."

Oh, that pounding screaming noise was supposed to be music? I thought it was there to simulate the sounds of a World War II-era battle.

Juliana smiled and closed her book. They mumbled a few things about life, their homes and the way the island and the people there had affected them, then shut off the lamps. They stretched out on the huge beds in the room and drifted to sleep.

It was almost as if the bed was a giant cloud (you know Summers, totally first class and expensive) and Tracy thought she heard voices again in the next room, but thought nothing of it. Dream Land had come for her and for all of them. The five friends had a long day awaiting them.

Is that their official group title, do you think, 'The Five Friends'? What happens when EBPoo inevitably bails out? What if someone else joins them? Do they take after the Runaway Five and keep calling themselves The Five Friends even when they have six members?

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Post #1094, by SaturnAl

Alan, Osman, Tsurami, and Siris were trying to fight the baby-lavi. They tried ganging up on one, but the other three would always try and send a spine needle attack. When they tried one-on-one, it was pretty much pathetic for them.

"We need help!" Yelled Siris

I really like this description of the battle. "Whenever the Browns play the Steelers, it's pretty much pathetic for them."

Without telling anybody, Osman sent out a telepathic message to the SM.netters in the hotel.(Guru's group, i forgot who is all there)
[help.....come out to the beach......we are near defeat.....help......please]

I'm not sure that team guruzeth is going to regard your being defeated as a bad thing, kiddo.

[This message has been edited by SaturnAl (edited 05-21-2000).]

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Post #1095, by guruzeth

guruzeth awoke with a start. It was about six A.M., and there was a terrible, low rumbling noise outside and people fighting. "we are near defeat... help us... please..." The words were coming into his head again.

We are not fighters, guru telepathically relayed, even though he had to this point never sent any telepathic messages. We can't help you. Find someone who can...

This is the beginning of what your English teacher would call a Theme for the rest of the Gathering: guruzeth's absolutely pissy refusal to engage in anything that could possibly be construed as combat.

You know, it would have been easier for guruzeth to just say "since guruzeth is not telepathic, he didn't get the idiot's message", but unfortunately other members of team guruzeth are known telepaths. Also that's too indirect for guruzeth's taste. He would rather rip SaturnAl a new asshole for intruding.

"What's going on, guru?" Chris and Poo were also awake. guru shot to the window and saw the battle raging on the beach. He wheeled back towards them and said, "Get dressed. We gotta get out of here. NOW!"

guruzeth issues commands, not requests. 

They threw on their clothes and went next door and pounded the door until the girls awakened, and they hastily dressed as well and the group was out of the hotel, hurrying through the back of the town. The amusement park was on the other side of the island, but would it matter? What if the Lavos spawns made it through? The group knew they couldn't, or wouldn't, fight.

It might just be me because I remember it better than you, but can't you feel the emo oozing through this post, especially that last paragraph? How guruzeth managed to attain such prominence in the community, for however brief a time, with such a gaping lack of understanding of how to be awesome is baffling. 

The Right Thing: Ignore SaturnAl's request and do something funny to belittle it.

The Wrong Thing: Act pissy about it and leave the scene. You're the Supreme-Dictator-For-Life, for f---'s sake, why are you leaving? Why don't you just tell the kid to piss off? I just don't get it.

Posts #1051-1055: 17 May 2000

Post #1051, by TsuramiSea

17 May must have been a Saturday. There are many more posts on this day than on any other one day for some time before.

TsuramiSea had gone into many of the buildings in the business area, and still had some more to check. Then he had to search the boardwalk and the beach. It wouldn't be easy.

Is he still looking for Lavos? In business buildings? I mean, granted, in corporate headquarters in a major city is an excellent place to look for a being of pure evil. But usually it's not a giant space hedgehog you're looking for specifically.

He already had a headache from getting kicked out of the Scaraba Cultural Museum for entering and screaming, "IS ANYONE HERE FROM SM.NET?!?"

An excellent and amusing point. That would get you kicked out of most respectable museums, I suspect.

However, now he was coming up on another Summers restaurant. He was almost given up, feeling that he'd never find the other SM.Netters, but felt that he had to try.

It sounds like he's trying to latch onto team guruzeth, but then he apparently hasn't been reading their posts, which specified there were only two restaurants in Summers, if you count the Stoic Club as a "restaurant".

Entering the restaurant, he went up to the manager. "Excuse me, sir." The man turned to him. "May I please use your intercom... er... speaker system... whatever exactly, for a moment? I want to try to locate a certain party, but I'm not certain whether or not they're in this restaurant."

The man smirked. "Yes." TsuramiSea beamed. "But it will cost you $30." Tsurami's face contorted, but he handed over the money. What a cheap tourist trap, he thought. He stepped over to the PA.

Being that $30 is the prize of a single small serving of gelato in EarthBound's Summers, I suspect the bribe would be closer to $3,000 than $30.

"Paging all SM.Netters! Paging all SM.Netters! If you are from SM.Net, a fellow site-goer would like to meet you! I'll be at the front of the restaurant! If there are any SM.Netters here, please come! I'd like to meet you!" Then he got away from the speaker. Standing near the front of the restaurant, Tsurami waited for a response...

(Okay, if the gang currently in Summers wants to put up with me, someone come and get me. If not, just ignore me, and I'll assume I was in the wrong restaurant.)

I wonder if the attention-starved brigade really didn't understand how badly they were hampering their own quests for attention. Tsurami demonstrates here how to do it exactly wrong: Demand someone else go out of their way to acknowledge and accept you. Instead of the natural and correct thing, which is walk up to them and join them.

Passivity is the path to being a loser. If you want to win at life, do active things.

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Post #1052, by Chris

After a little while, the food arrived. Though his French wasn't the best, Chris had still managed to take a good guess at what he was ordering, and acquired some kind of chicken. Tracy and guruzeth had both ordered various sandwhiches, and Poo and Juliana had wound up with some exotic looking dish.

Thank you, Chris. That's very uninteresting.

While they ate, they conversed over what they might do after resting at the hotel.

"Okay, essentially, we can do one of two things. We can join everyone else in fighting Lavos, or we can tour Eagleland on our own. Juliana and I have covered a good deal of it, as has Poo, and I think that we could see all sorts of interesting things. What do you all think?" Chris asked.

"I say we explore the island." said Tracy.

"Island." Poo replied.

"Same here." guruzeth added.

"Count me in." Juliana finished.

"Great, then, we'll set out the day after tomorrow."

Chris has no idea how much of a dick he comes across as when he tells other people what their ACs think and allow them no free will to do anything but slavishly follow his awesome leadership. He was doing it way back at The Dance, and he's still doing it now.

After lunch, the group decided to go down to the beach and hang out. They decided to construct a large sand castle. Chris and Poo ran up the street to buy some shovels and buckets, as they intended to build a huge castle. Soon, they had set to work, digging and building the greatest castle Eagleland Island had ever seen...

Does he really think this is exciting? I can see how it was pretty fun the first time he did it, when he and Juliana were enjoying the brilliant dawn of their undying love for one another. (Remember, PSI322 was allowed no choice in this matter.) But now doing the same thing again is... boring. You're boring, Chris.

It would be awesome if I could believe Chris was pointedly ignoring TsuramiSea here, but he's not. This post came only six minutes after TsuramiSea's, and Chris almost certainly did not see it. Granting, when he did see it after the fact, he didn't care.

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Post #1053, by Anthadd

"If I remember correctly, diamond is the hardest, and quite possibly heaviest, non-element on Earth. Therefore, we could logically defeat him by causing him to break apart," Anthadd mused.
"You're kidding, right?"
"Maybe not the heaviest, but a heavy material. And the bigger the diamond is and the higher it is, the greater chance it'll break."

So... your brilliant conclusion is that in order to defeat him, you must: attack him with weapons. Hard. Which is different from what you were already doing... how?

"Grrrr..."
Anthadd, in a regularly unseen show of courage, leapt on Diamond Dog's back and tried to ride him into the sky. Noticing a series of hooked stalactities on the cave ceiling, leading down, Anthadd picked two sturdy golf clubs and held them with him. He leapt up, gripping Diamond Dog's body tightly with his legs, and in a way flew to near the entrance.

OK, let's try to sort through the ridiculosities here.

RIDICULOSITY 1: You really, really don't want to try to leap onto Diamond Dog's back if you ever plan on doing any of the following at any future point in your life: have children; walk in a straight line and/or without pain; urinate; engage in activity that traditionally produces children. I don't know, it's a lot to risk.

RIDICULOSITY 2: Diamond Dog is a bloody dog, it doesn't fly.

RIDICULOSITY 3: You're indoors. You yourself referred in the very next sentence to the ceiling. What sky?

RIDICULOSITY 4: If you tried to grip Diamond Dog's body tightly with your legs, you would no longer have legs. Warrants mentioning.

RIDICULOSITY 5: How the hell do you expect this plan to work if, in fact, Diamond Dog can fly?

Along the way, Diamond Dog had struggled excitedly trying to snap at the rider, bite him, somehow diamondise him, then began to slip, and finally fell from his legs, not breaking apart on the ground below. But a few hairline cracks appeared.

I'm glad they're enjoying themselves. Maybe I shouldn't judge them so harshly; they seem to be having a fine time, and as long as they're not trying to drag anybody else into it, where's the harm, after all?

I guess all of this is a lot more tolerable when there are two people involved, going back and forth. Liyoshi stretched one battle out over a couple hundred posts and it got to really pissing me off. But I'm not sure if his flying solo was the bigger reason why--for sure, he should have been writing fanfiction, not polluting the thread with crap nobody wants to read--or if it's just that Liyoshi himself is annoying.

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Post #1054, by SirMontyG

"A few more times oughta do it.." As Sir attempted to mimic Anthadd's act of valor. He jumped for DD's back, but the dog was waiting this time, and promptly ducked. Sir took a nose dive into the dirt. "Owww.."

As discussed, I find that far preferable to what would happen if you succeeded at that maneuver.

Sir quickly got up and turned around. "I was saving this for Lavos, but I see no reason not to use it now!" Sir pulled an odd looking device from his pack. It was a multi bottle rocket. "Aim for the fractures!" Yelled Anth, and Sir did. *KA swoswoswoswoswoswoooosh!!!*

Finally someone does something that's both in-flavor and smart with their AC God Mode. What a wonder. If you equip a Rabbit's Foot you can drop Diamond Dog (who has more HP than any enemy in EarthBound except Giygas himself) in two Multi-Bottle Rocket shots.

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Post #1055, by EBPoo

"I've never tried surfing before," commented Poo. "Perhaps while I'm here, I should attempt it." Poo ran to find someone with a surfboard. He spotted a surfer dude, so he went over to interrogate. After chatting for a couple minutes, the surfer handed over the surfboard, and Poo ran out to catch the waves. After wiping out several times, Poo ran back to the others. "Anyone want to try out the surfboard?" asked Poo.

Chris, this is what I've been trying to tell you and you aren't learning. All you do when you flagrantly control other people's ACs is annoy them, and when annoyed they will usually do exactly what EBPoo just did--pointedly ignore you and do what they want. Points to EBPoo for not dignifying Chris's behavior by whining about it, too.

Posts #996-1000: 14 May 2000

Post #996, by SirMontyG

(Sorry about that, Tonberry. Man, where's the steel pipe of dishonor when you need it?)

The Steel Pipe of Dishonor was something Tomato made up back in 1999. The idea was that when you get called out (by yourself or someone else) for doing something extraordinarily stupid and/or useless, you hit yourself over the head with the notional steel pipe.

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Post #997, by  EBPoo


Halfway to Magicant, Poo fell down on his knees again as his head started throbbing once again. "Ow...my head..." Poo muttered to himself. "This can't be happening to me...I am the supreme evil...or am I just a misguided good guy? I can't stand it! I have to do something about it!!!! WAKE UP!" 

That was... er... odd.

Poo awoke in Fire Springs. "Wow. I'm back. BACK! I don't have to be evil or good. Just somewhere in between. I'm going off. Now. But where to go?" 

It appears EBPoo got bored with playing the slapstick bad guy--or probably more accurately, realized no one was paying any attention to him anymore--and decided to drop the shtick. Give a man credit for knowing when it's time to pack it in.

Poo transported to different places and then found a nice, deserted place where he could relax. "This place is great. No trace of humans anywhere!" Suddenly, Poo saw two figures coming from the distance. "Wha? People? What are two people doing here???" Poo looked closer and saw two people. One of which was a girl that he had never seen before. The other was a guy whom Poo knew he had seen before. "It's guru!" Poo shouted as he ran towards the two.

OK, now his sudden change of heart makes sense. You have to remember that guruzeth and PSI322 were both starmen.net celebrities. So Poo alertly realizes they're about to join up and start a plotline together, which is pretty much guaranteed to be the Alpha Plotline of the Gathering. He's making sure to be the first to join it. And he's dropping the evil thing first, probably because he assumes PSI322 and/or guruzeth won't be very fond of it.

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Post #998, by diospadre

I smiled wide enough to crack my face when I saw diospadre's name come up just now. 

So diospadre is a Gathering newcomer, and he's going to mostly be in the Gathering to the end. He's near the top of the list of Starmen.Net Cool Dude Luminaries From Way Back, and rightly so. I never got along with him, because he was a cool dude and I was a jackass. But you will quickly see that wherever diospadre goes, he brings the funny. Basically he does what Major Asshole does, but better.

"Welcome to Summers." diospadre apathetically greeted the three tired and wet customers. Not only was he bored with working as a bellhop, but as he saw the three stagger into the hotel, he saw they were as young as he was. 

Yeah. So you have to give him credit for the unique entrance, positioning himself as an already existing employee at the Hotel Where It All Began. Also this post innocently marks something never specified before (and actually I think directly refuted before) that from here out will be accepted: that the Hotel Where It All Began is actually in Summers.

And teens don't tip well, its a fact. 

Teens don't tip at all, in my experience. diospadre actually was a hotel bellhop at this time, I believe. Funny, that. Now he's a lawyer and I work at a hotel.

Business had been slowing down as well. He was used to making a couple hundred dollars a day, it comes with the rich tourists to the town. In the past few weeks, though, there were almost no money coming into the town. He looked at his watch. It was only 4:30. 7 and a half hours to go. Another boring day. Oh well.

Pay attention, class, because this is how you do an introductory post right. Put yourself where the action you want to horn into is, introduce yourself innocuously, then end the post and wait for a chance to see what develops. If you're cool about it, it will probably come when someone invites you along for whatever world-saving hijinks ensue, but if not you can just tag along.

[This message has been edited by diospadre (edited 05-14-2000).]

[This message has been edited by diospadre (edited 05-14-2000).]

Yeah, he edited the message twice, and neglected to delete the first editing tag.

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Post #999, by Anthadd


"No, I've got to say I'm not interested in such folly. I'd rather get all the melodies and see if I can get back to the actual gathering. It may bring on ennui, but I'm all but ready to settle back in to a natural life on the island until school starts anew."
"That so?" Sir said.

Anthadd's responding to something Major Asshole said when he crashed Anthadd's plotline a couple dozen posts ago. And no, I'm not going to explain what 'ennui' means to you. Look it up yourself, you lazy jackass.

By this time, they'd reached the Shining Spot's plateau.
"Are you ready to challenge Carbon Dog?" Anthadd queried.

Notice that Anthadd instantly assumes Major Asshole is now in Team Anthadd and will render assistance as such.

Sir waited for a second, and opened his mouth in response. What came out was:

Awesome. I don't know what it will be, but I predict it will be awesome.

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Post #1000, by PSIOsman

Drat. I was hoping Post 1000 would be by somebody important.

"AAAAA!" Osman yelled as the Randite smashed him with its enormous claw. He did one of those cool quick recoveries like in Smash Brothers. Alan tried his best, but neither his PSI or his board were damaging it.

That opening quote is actually a clever code. See this page for more information.

Siris fired a beam at the face of the Randite. It took the hit easily, and turned toward Osman. Osman concentrated on his Scimitar. It started glowing again. He swung it, and fired a spinning blast of PSI energy. When it hit the Randite, it took a step back. It then continued on as if nothing happened. They realized that they would all have to use their abilities in unison if they wished do defeat the Randite.

The Power of Friendship really only impresses the reader if the reader cares. Here, the reader does not care. Why should we care about your battle against the Randite, Osman?

Siris called to Alan.

"Alan! Use your Tsunami attack!"

Does Alan even have any other attacks? It doesn't seem like he does. So why would he need to be reminded to use the only attack he knows? Basically Osman is saying, "Alan, get off your lazy ass and DO SOMETHING, dammit!"

Alan summoned a massive wall of water. Just as it hit the Randite, Siris quickly chanted a spell. 

Shouldn't he have started chanting the spell at some point shortly before the massive wall of water hit the Randite? I think usually you have to at least do a little bit of chanting before your spell gets invoked. I presume he's casting some spell to protect himself, as one presumes an incoming tsunami would be more dangerous to him than to the Randite. But then, the Randite isn't an AC. 

He continued chanting, as the night air became extremely cold. Glowing winds swirled around the Randite. Siris, still chanting, brought his fist toether. 

Remind me sometime to name a character in one of my fantasy books 'Toether'.

The winds seemed to collide into each other, with the Randite in the middle. What had been stone was now ice. Osman leaped forward, and slashed at the frozen figure. From the point of impact, a crack formed. It became larger, and branched out more, until the frozen Randite crumbled.

But, again, we still have no idea if or why this is a good thing. There has to be a point or no one will want to waste their time reading your battle scene.

"Whew," said Osman. "Let's go see about Sir now."

They did not notice that the pieces of the Randite had liquefied, and were now re-forming...

Just in case you were foolish enough to think that battle couldn't possibly get any more pointless.

(Geez! I'm writing these all by myself! Gauntlet Wizard, Al, care to step in?)

Yes. Yes you are. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps that's because you are the only person who cares?

------------------
You may address me as His Majesty Emperor PSIOsman I.

I think I'll address you as Insufferably Boring PSIOsman instead. Will that work for you?

Posts #981-985: 13 May 2000

Post #981, by PSI322

Oh boy! I don't think I've ever looked forward to a post quite as much as I've been looking forward to this one! brb, getting popcorn.

(I'm sorry that people have been getting angry, but the rules for this IF allow only one AC per person. Thank you.)

Once again PSI322 apologizes for other people being idiots. You know what we need for her? A gong. *BBBBRRRROOOOOONNNNGGGGG* WE ARE TERRIBLY SORRY TO INCONVENIENCE YOU, BUT PSI322 HAS SPOKEN.

Chris and Juliana strolled along the beach leisurely beneath hundreds of thousands of diamond stars and a never-ending night sky. The world seemed to be so still, and both of them walked along in almost complete silence.

Chris is doing a mini-fistpump as he reads this. So far, so good, Chris baby!

Her mind just as active as ever, Juliana slipped into the far reaches of her mind, deep in thought.

...uh oh. Bad moon rising, Chris baby.

What am I doing here, Juliana wondered to herself. This feels so strange to me, almost like I know I don't belong here.

With Chris. Say it together now: "I don't belong here with Chris."

I have a feeling she's not about to let him down easy here.

Eagleland Island isn't my home. Massachusetts is my home, in that little town built beside that little mountain, where my family waits for me and my friends miss me terribly.

All this is probably true, but I have serious doubts Massachusetts is where you're about to take off to.

She looked over at Chris for a moment, and then back at the waves crashing upon the beach. Gently, Juliana sighed, knowing that what she really needed right now was a little time by herself.

I think this is PSI322 Gambit #6, five of them staged to escape Chris. But it's the first one we've seen in like 500 posts, guys! It feels like the good old days all over again. I still feel a little bad for Chris even though he was engaging in creep behaviour and I shouldn't. He DID try. He just can't take a hint now that his best efforts have failed.

Struggling with a million emotions all at the same time was unproductive. She'd need to get out her notebook and her favorite pen, crank out a few poems, and sort them all out, one by one.

Humblebrag. That's right kids, I am a poet. Nobody was ever better at them than PSI322.

Closing her eyes lightly, she spoke. "Chris, I can't be here right now," Juliana managed to say. "I'm sorry."

Chris stopped walking and looked at her. "Why not?" he asked, curious. "Are you all right, Juliana?"

Juliana nodded feebly. "I feel fine, medically," she replied, "but I think I need to take some time alone for a little while."

Chris can't be shocked by this, not when it's the fifth time she has told him that line almost verbatim. It was fantastic while it lasted, though.

If Chris is any good at all at reading tea leaves, he knows this will be the last time, because guruzeth is now active in the thread and all the smart money is betting that's where she's headed.

My memory is fuzzy, but I do know that sometime around when the Gathering was going on--and therefore, based on Chris's posts, I'm assuming it was right when this stuff you're reading now was being written--Chris had an IM conversation with me in which he said, and here I'm paraphrasing but it's very close, "I know you really like Juliana. I really like her too. I'm going to try to start an e-lationship with her. I hope there's no hard feelings. Okay?"

And I just laughed at my screen and said, sure, pal, knock yourself out. Because (and I guess this was not really known, in Chris's defense) she and I had already been e-lationshipping for a few months by then, and even if we hadn't he had no chance. He was a nice guy who was well out of PSI322's league, but wouldn't take a hint and ended up stalking his crush. Hot girls such as PSI322 have to deal with them every day as a matter of course. 

I was insecure as hell back then--I behaved like a complete ass when she went to college and started realizing how fun flirting was, she attempted to dump me but it didn't stick, and it would have been much better for her if it had--but not for a microsecond did I feel like Chris was a threat. I hope he grew up after that and did well for himself. We were all awkward when we were teenagers.

A little concerned, Chris continued to watch her. "Are you sure?" he said softly. It was then that Juliana's face became more visible in the pale yellow moonlight, and Chris saw that tears had formed in the girl's eyes. "Are you crying, Juliana? What's wrong? Anything I can help you with?"

I assume all the crying is just to portray Juliana as heartbroken about running away from Chris, to make him feel better. At the time PSI322 and I conversed quite a bit about how Chris was really nice and a good friend but just wouldn't stop making advances. She tried very hard to gently make him understand she wasn't interested, but... again, a hot girl is usually surrounded by ten of these guys, and hitting them over the head repeatedly with the GO AWAY hammer is the only way they ever get it. PSI322 was WAY too nice to do that to a nice guy like Chris. Hell, she was too nice to do that to Tengu Man.

Weakly, Juliana shook her head. Wiping her cheek with one hand, she whispered "goodbye" to Chris and ran from the beach, not knowing where she was going or how she would get there. She only knew that she had to be alone right now.

Really? I bet I know exactly where she's going: straight toward guruzeth via the shortest available route. (But I'm cheating with knowledge that wasn't publicly known at the time. All Chris or anyone else reading this at the time could know was that she wanted to escape Chris.)

Chris just stared at Juliana as she faded into the distance. Shaking his head, he wondered what was the matter, and if there was anything he could do to help poor Juliana. She looked like she was in some kind of secret pain, and all he could do was wonder why she hadn't told him what was bothering her...

PSI322 is very much using IF to allude to their real-life situation. He did wonder why she wouldn't tell him what was bothering her, which she wouldn't because (a) it was him, and (b) she wasn't going around telling people about her and guruzeth. Chris has been using this thread as a vehicle to make advances on PSI322, and she is now using it, as best she can with kid gloves, as a vehicle to signal to him that she isn't interested.

---

Post #982, by EBPoo

As Poo's evil side fused with him, Poo's eyes glowed red. His mind was being slowly taken over by evil.

I remain confused as to what he's been up to for the rest of the thread, if it's not evil.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Poo evily. Suddenly, a jolt came across Poo's head. "Owwwwwww! My...head!" yelled Poo. "Head...ache..." Poo's eyes began glowing blue.

"Ah...this power of light," said a voice.

"Who...who are you?" asked Poo, still holding his head.

"You don't know me well. I am your good side," said the voice.

LOL. Well played.

"Good side??? I have a good side?" Poo asked confusedly.

"Well, duh. Anyways, I can't let your mind get taken over by evil. You're going to be good," said Poo's good side.

That sounds very boring. We've got enough good guys here, and they're all boring.

"Nope. He's going to be BAD!" exclaimed Poo's evil side. Poo's head started giving off energy.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! My headdddddddd!" yelled Poo. Poo fell to his knees as he thought. What can I do? Do I go evil and be evil and then take over the world? Or do I go good and save the world? Faced with the hardest decision of his life, Poo ran as far as he could from the Sea of Eden.

Well, if it's an either/or, then taking over the world is a no brainer. But taking over the world, relative to saving the world, is a much higher risk/higher reward proposition.

---

Post #983, by Anthadd

"I'm trying to acquire the melodies so I can go home, finally," Anthadd replied, his golf club at the ready.

I believe this is the first suggestion that nobody can go home until they've collected all the melodies. As opposed to just flying home, the same way they came here in the first place.

"I came here to get the Fire Springs melody so I could gain Teleport PSI and go to Deep Darkness again."
"Is that so?" Sir asked again. Anthadd had began to climb the cave walls again, after drinking the iced tea. "Wait up! You might collapse again!"
But Anthadd would hear none of Sir's pleading.

It's got to be a bitch trying to climb vertical cave walls while carrying golf clubs.

---

Post #984, by SirMontyG

"That's the Anthadd I remember.." Sir tried to catch up, and eventualy did.

"Say what kind of club is that, anyways? Looks pretty devistating." Sir attempted to make conversation between battles and constant rock climbing.

It's generally accepted that a seven-iron is the optimal club for inflicting pain and death. I believe that's what Tiger Woods' ex-wife was wielding two years ago this very day. 

"Oh, and after we finish here with the melody, we could really use a hand fighting off Lavos, a coupala randites and a few evil versions of AC's. Gonna be one crazy shindig. Interested?"

I do believe he already said he's working on going home, which would suggest shindigs do not interest him. But hanging out with Major Asshole should interest him.

---

Post #985, by PikaChan

('S okay PSI, I didn't know. I thought the normal IF rules would apply to this IF as well.)

PikaChan's wrath is appeased by PSI322's supplication. PSI322 had super powers. PikaChan is dead wrong about the "normal IF rules", which made it very clear that the original post of a given IF thread would dictate how many ACs were allowed. (In most non-Tengu fics it was one.)

Posts #956-960: 11 May 2000

Post #956, by SuperSpeedy/Mankey Boy

"Well," said Poryhedron. "I'll come, but the farthest I'm going is the enterance/exit ladder. I'll stop some bad guys from coming to get you, but I'm not moving away from the ladder. Any further, within 2¾ miles of the magnet in Magnet Hill, and I'll be corrupted and sent to the closest computer to be put in the virtual Trash or Recycle Bin and deleted. It's 3 miles of sewer, for crying out loud! I might, however, see if a real trash can wasn't deplated, by Ness and his gang, of a Croissant."

I think he was going for "depleted" there, even though it doesn't make sense in context. I can think of no other possible word that even makes the slightest, most twisted sense.

Shock Bird then flew in the window.
"Besides," continued Poryhedron, "my pal Shock Bird will be with you!"
shock Bird crowed and said, [Don't you forget it! Y'all ready?]
[Yep!] said Pikachu.
"Yeah!" said Tim.
"Sorta," said Poryhedron, uneasily. "But I won't help you with the Plague Rat!"
[OK!] said Shock Bird. [Hop on my back and guide me to the enterance. I try to fly straight to the santuary and it's 'Bye-bye, Poryhederon, FOREVER!!' Plus, some force will push me back. Giygas put a shield around, but not under, Magnet Hill, according to my inspection. Not even my PSI Shield Steal could get it from the hill!]
They hopped on Shock Bird, and…

You see, this is why pokemon and its legions of 10-year-old fans were so thoroughly detested by the more vocal half of the EarthBound community at the time: because they would not stop polluting forum threads--everywhere, not just in IF, though the problem was keenest on the IF forum--with nonsense muck like you just read here. Pokemon was all they ever thought about. 

---

Post #957, by TsuramiSea

The bus to Fourside cruised along through the long and hot desert road.

He feels the need to point out the desert is hot despite the facts that (a) it is common knowledge that deserts are hot, and (b) his AC is presumably sitting inside an air conditioned bus and would not notice.

TsuramiSea sighed, sitting somewhere in the middle of the bus. There were some pretty creepy people on there, so he just kept quiet as the vehicle sailed along.

Heh, pretty creepy people. Says the Tenguling.

"Well, well, well.... hope I get to Fourside soon. Then maybe I can find a boat to Chommo, yeah...." He shifted around, trying to get comfortable in a sitting position.

His assertion that sitting is uncomfortable is curious. Many people, including myself, seek out opportunities to be in a sitting position because we find it comfortable.

He checked his goods. He had plenty of food, and his mallet, and the bracelet he had bought. He had notebooks and pencils and pens for writing and drawing, and a book or two to read. He considered himself ready. But maybe, just maybe, he'd buy a bicycle helmet in Fourside to wear for extra protection.

You have to weigh the defense bonus (+2 at default) against the increased likelihood that wandering around a major city looking like a total dork will get you unnecessarily attacked.

Riding along towards Fourside, TsuramiSea hoped to meet some more friends from SM.Net....

He closes every post with that line or something very close to it, almost ritualistically. I think it's a combination of "wants to make e-friends" and "doesn't want to participate in the Lavos stupidity right now". Even Tengulings have a little bit of free will.

---

Post #958, by EBPoo

After defeating three Krakens, the leader of the Krakens made a compromise with Poo. "If you don't attack us anymore, I will give you the Gutsy Bat," said King Kraken.

It's not that much of a prize. Apparently the Nothing Blue Drugstore stocks them these days.

"What do I do what a bat? I'm experienced in using my sword," Poo replied.

It's a good point. In EarthBound Poo can't equip anything but the Sword of Kings without losing a substantial amount of Offense.

"Well, take it anyway," King Kraken said before submerging beneath the water. Poo took the bat and threw it away.

LOL. I have to admit, I love pointless-but-entertaining posts. Almost as much as I loathe pointless-and-boring posts.

He then went up a little platform. A dark, black figure was hiding in the shadows. "So...Poo, you finally made it," said the figure in a low voice.

"Yes, I made it. So who are you?" asked Poo.

"I...am...your evil side. I was the one who talked to you when you came here," replied the voice.

"Oh. So you're my evil side...how's it going?" asked Poo.

"Nevermind that! We're out to take over the world. With my power and your intelligence, the world is ours!" declared the voice.

"So...reveal yourself already," commanded Poo. The figure stepped out of the shadows and revealed himself to look exactly like Poo. Except he was dressed in all black. "Cool look," complimented Poo.

I would think EBPoo, being villainous, would have to conquer his good side. Which would be a brief curbstomp battle, but still. Formality and all.

---

Post #959, by Traceh

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" they both screamed in unison. guruzeth stood and pulled Tracy to her feet, just in time to see the hyroglyphs come at them once more.

Seriously, the first couple times I was willing to write it off to coincidence, but it seems like there's just a little dab of touchy-feely in every guruzeth/Traceh post and it's starting to make me uncomfortable. Please to stop?

"Letts get out of here!" Tracy yelled.

Traceh is not about to be sucked into pointless battling. Good for her. Well done.

guru gave the monsters a look an said in a calm voice, "We already fell down the hole in the pyramid, if I remember correctly there are just a few more rooms in here before the hall that leads to the exit!"

No, I can't fathom why she thought it was necessary to point out how calm he was either. It's probably because, as a side effect of the Magic Insect, he's now stoned out of his mind.

guruzeth grabed her wrist and yanked in the direction of the small door.

See! There she goes again! And nobody's fooled by the wrist-not-hand maneuver. It's like she has trouble moving if her wrist/arm isn't being held.

Tracy had just enough time to toss the egg-filled bottle in her bag before they took to their heels and into the next room and down the hall, being as quiet as they could so they didnt wake up any more unwanted company.

It would make me so happy if some random poster would write "suddenly Darkton jumped out of the shadows!" Ahh, if only anyone ever read anyone else's plotline...

At the end of the tunnle they were covered in scrapes and bruises but were, for the most part, still alive.

But for a small part, dead. But only in a small part mostly dead.

Tracy tied back her hair and they looked up at the door a few feet away. "At least we got to see them!" she said. "Now I know I wont be visiting any more pyramids any time soon."

Hey, it's important in life to experience new things and learn valuable lessons. Even if most valuable lessons have to be learned the hard way.

"Say goodbye to the ancient pyramids...." guruzeth wispered.

Because they're still trying to keep quiet, I think, not because he's being dramatic.

He was not looking forward to the outside air, the sun beating down on them like an ocean of heat. Neither was Tracy, to be honest.

That actually would not bother me all that much. I have never paid much attention to temperature extremes while outdoors. Indoors, however, I am a bitch and get cranky if the temperature isn't between 69 and 71 degrees. It beats the heck out of me why.

Slowly they walked up the small flight of stairs, still quiet if only for the small sliver of a chance of danger that still lurked, emerging into the sunlight and the humid air.

You know, I wonder how long they were in that Pyramid, exactly. It was broad daylight when they entered it. I would think there's a pretty good chance it would actually be night when they walked out. In which case, as is normal for deserts, the air would actually be somewhat chilly.

---

Post #950, by SirMontyG

(Thanks for clearing that up, Osman)

"Well, let's see, if I'm gonna stop that Randite in Kyio's body and DarkTon, I'm gonna need some help.." Sir said, walking out of the spa and to the lobby.

*Ding* "Hmm, yes sir?" The man behind the counter asked

"hey, how'd ya know my name? Umm, anyways, I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how I could contact everyone on the island at once."

"Well, the PA system would be a good bet, but it may not reach everyone on the island. You could use our complimentary telepathic servace, free with the stay."

"Wow! How do I do that?"

"Just go up to your room, Turn on the TV, and turn to channel 12 1/3, and speak through the telephone."

"That's incredible! Can I get HBO?"

"No, that would cost extra."

"Okay, well thanks a lot!" Sir left a buck in the tip jar and ran up to his room.

I can't stop chuckling while I'm reading this. Major Asshole's genius is the ease with which he parodies (and skewers) ancient If traditions like Instant Telepathy.

[[SHHwhurrrrr*Click*! Is this thing on? Oh, great. *ahem* Attention all AC's! This is Sir! I'm calling for help on destroying the evil on this island so we can get back to the party we originaly started!

See, if he wanted to do that, shouldn't he just ignore all the evil and get to partying? A wise man once said, "when times are at their darkest, pal... it's a brave man that can kick back and party."

Please, if we all ban together we can destoy lavos, the randites, and an evil figure roming the island named DarkTom who promises to be quite a threat.

Ban together? guruzeth will approve of that plan.

Roundevou' at the hotel to prepare. This can be one of SM.Net's greatest moments! And remember, there's no justice like angry mob justice..Thank youwrrrrrrSSHHHH*Click*!]]
Rendezvous is the word he failed at.

As for me, I was invited to a meeting where forming a Neighborhood Watch program was being discussed. I stood up and said such a program was a waste of time and resources and would never accomplish anything useful, and instead we should form a Vigilante Mob program.

I wasn't invited to any further meetings.

Posts #891-895: 7 May 2000

Post #891, by Luna

((I think that some people would like it if you let them fight their own evil sides, instead of having assistance. Pikachu, I don't think you cared, but I think it'd be better if we don't intrude in each other's battles or magicants, for that matter, without asking them. kay?))

I'll be damned. Luna is even more into the hanging out with waffle thing than I realized. 

Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it; pretty much anyone with any sense would be actively avoiding 3164. You'll note she's made no effort yet at preempting the much more normal EBPoo.

---

Post #892, by Pikachu3164

(Luna, I'm not interfereing in your battles in Magicant - In fact, I've made a point of staying away from battles in in other people's Magicants. I just figured, hey, SuperSpeedy said we're heading to your Magicant, I guess I have no choice. I would really like to hang around with you, but if you really don't want me around you, I'll leave.)

Don't be too hard on him, he's only like 11. I'm harsh on people like Chris and EBPoo when they display cluelessness in flirting, because they're old enough that they should know better. 3164's just a kid trying his damnedest to be cool. Obviously trying to argue with her is a very bad way to play it, but then, if 3164 knew how to play it we wouldn't be here. 

I know, I know, I just defended 3164. I'm going soft and should probably retire.

---

Post #893, by EBPoo

"All right, I've bothered Luna. Now I will search for the fabled ninth melody. I wonder what it's called..." Poo was at the Sea of Eden.

Wow, EBPoo left treadmarks getting away from Luna after she coldly shot 3164 down. The preemptive retreat there was probably a smart thing to do. And you'll notice the other smart thing he's doing--going off and doing something else on his own as if that was his plan all along.

Earlier that month, Poo was afraid to venture into the sea because of the Krakens swimming around. Now Poo felt as bold as bold font. He was going to get the ninth melody no matter what sea creatures were obstructing his path. "Krakens, here I come!" yelled Poo.

Yeah, or more like he read some recent posts and realized Krakens are freakin' sissies. Now he's born to hunt Krakens!

---

Post #894, by SirMontyG

Off the horizon of the battlefield where lavos and the battling AC's stood, walked a limp, haggared body.

"No...one...would....gimme..a ride...*Ooof..*" Sir collapsed.

Welcome back, Major Asshole! I missed you.

Lavos, oddly concerned with the human, said "Sir! Are you Okay?!"

"Lavos? That you? Buddy?" (So I'm friends with the ultimate evil the Earth has ever faced. Read up on NTSkittleboy's clasic IF: Sleepover vrs. 2.beta. I think that's what it was called. But the point is me and Lavos go way back)

LOL. I hope Major Asshole sticks around. He's one of the most consistently entertaining writers here. And since Lavos is nobody's AC, by rule no one can try and tell Major Asshole he can't be Lavos's frat brother.

"Yep. Here, lemmie help you up." A purple glow shot at Sir and he imediatly jumped up. "Hey! What did I tell you about using magic on me!!"

"Sorry, Sir, but you were looking pretty bad.."

"Your right, your right..sorry. Well, how's it goin?"

"I'd tell ya, Sir, but it's getting kinda complicated.."

Again, Tengu and Falcon are going to get pissed, but there's nothing they can do short of trying to peer pressure Major Asshole into desisting. Lavos is free game.

"Ouch, what happened to your eye?"

"Actualy, I'm kind of in the middle of a battle here..umm, if you'ld like to gimme a hand.."

"Hey, now you know my views about pure evil and the destruction of humanity."

"Right, right. Forget I brought it up."

"Cool. So, Lav, how important is this battle, anyways?"

"Well, I can't quite figure it out just yet, you see, it all started when Crono was screwing around with the time machine and...."

*AHEM* was the loud exclimation heard from all the AC's on the battle field

"Heh, better tell me about it later. Lunch next Saturday?"

"Only if we both survive, of course.."

"Ahh, Lavos..you crack me up. Take it easy, alien freak!"

"Later, ya pityful human. Gwhaaha! Ok, now where was I.."

Sir, fully recovered, continued to hitchhike across the now vast island. (Somebody pick me up if they want to) And the intense battle between Lavos versus everyone else abruptly continued.

That post was so amazing. I am nominating that for Greatest Post of the Gathering (so far), along with most of Chris's posts and a couple of Falcon24's dramabombs. This post has everything: Laughs, absurdity, and best of all, directly making sneering fun of the dolts that are wrapped up in this Kill Lavos, Save World nonsense.

---

Post #895, by Luna

(Pikachu, I've got nothing againest you. Your cool in my book. And I wasn't actually talking to you, more to superspeedy. Sorry 'bout that.)

That's a very odd thing to claim, Luna, seeing that you addressed 3164 by name when you politely asked him to leave you alone. And seeing that, as far as I can tell--though SuperSpeedy's posts are so trippy I admit I might simply have read them wrong--SS/MB is not trying to interfere with Luna. I'm calling BS on this post. Luna just feels bad she made the little kid cry.

Posts #871-875: 6 May 2000

Post #871, by SaturnAl

(OK. This is getting waaayyyy too crazy. You people are adding so many twists, my head is spinning. I'm not gonna add to the story right now, but i will later.)

P.S.-I am not dropping out of the story, just stating a comment.

Our old friend SaturnAl is way behind the curve here and is never going to catch back up. (He'll have to say f*** it and jump back in without a clue what's going on.) People were lodging this complaint before the Gathering was 150 posts old.

---

Post #872, by guruzeth

"Oh man, I ain't gonna be able to stop this thing..!" said guruzeth. "She's gonna hit land hard, better bear down!"

Oh well. It's just a ship, they're supposed to be disposable. Plenty more where that one came from. It would be a lot of unnecessary work trying to use it more than once.

Tracy looked around frantically for somewhere to hunker down before the collision, but guruzeth, realizing there was little time, grabbed her by the arm and dove to the ground for cover, a split-second before the ship hit the ground with a loud cracking and crunching sound, causing Tracy to hit her head off the side of the ship. "Oww!"

I dunno, guys, there is a lot of touchy-feely going on here. That's twice in a row with the whole grabbing the hand/arm thing. PSI322 is going to have to step in and tell guruzeth to cool it.

The ship, however, did not survive running aground; it had broken into a few pieces and was quickly sinking, as guru and Tracy realized has they felt the water coming up around them. "It's going down!" Tracy cried, still a little woozy. "We have to get out!"

"Relax," said guru, "it's shallow water, only a few feet deep here, but we're gonna get wet..!"

Damn, you'd think Chris was writing this.

"LOOK OUT!" Tracy screamed and dove to the ground. guruzeth looked up just in time to see the main sail mast crashing at him...

guruzeth awoke slowly in a rough-feeling bed, and the side of his head and his chest really hurt. "Oww..." He vaguely remembered the shipwreck, the last thing he remembered being the crashing mast... He felt the long scar along the side of his head, going down into his cheek toward his mouth. "Oooh, that mark isn't gonna go away..."

guruzeth instinctively grokked that chicks dig scars. Chicks don't especially dig concussions, so it's a good thing ACs are immune to them.

"guru! You're awake!" It was Tracy, who was sitting in a chair reading a book.

LOL. How thoughtful of her.

"You've been out for a long time!"

"How long.."

"It's been almost a day... it was bad. You got it right in the head, and your shoulder..." That was where the other pain was coming from, guru thought, wincing. Dislocated shoulder. He slowly rose from the bed.

Gotta call bulls*** on ol' guruzeth here. Dislocated shoulder? If he had a dislocated shoulder he would be lying on the ground screaming and weeping in agony, not wincing and shrugging it off. Those sons of bitches HURT.

"Your friend can go now," said the receptionist. "Please pay $200 for the doctor's fee first."

"$200?" said guruzeth. "Bleah." He reached into his backpack and fetched the money. "Here, take the bloody money, I gotta get outta here."

I don't know. I guess he was trying to appear badass or something? He comes across as more of a pissy teenager. Oh yeah, right... that's what he was.

He rose from the bed, rubbing his sore shoulder and wincing from his head wound, and handed over the money, and they departed from the hospital.

"Hmm," said guruzeth, flipping through his money. "That hurt my pocketbook... I have enough to buy the Piggy Nose, but not much else. Well, let's go to the bazaar for that Piggy Nose."

It is funny--and probably an intentional statement on their part--that, while everyone else is scampering around Saving the World, guruzeth and Traceh are enduring shipwreck and injury in their tireless quest for... a Piggy Nose.

---

Post #873, by Rockwell

Ahhhh.... Rockwell. He was a Tenguling Deluxe back in the day that went far out of his way to antagonize (and be antagonized by) guruzeth. That phase got over with quite quickly, however, and years later, after they grew up, he and guruzeth actually got to be kinda-sorta friends.

Rockwell was seen off the horizon by a sercurity camera near Reidman house.

"Intruder Alert! Arm all guns! I repeat, arm all guns!" shouted the P.A.

"Guns? That doesn't sound like a good thing." Rockwell said to himself.

"Oops, wrong P.A! *Click*"

I laughed. It's like that Far Side comic that shows an airplane as it's flying along, with panicked expressions on all the passengers' faces while the co-pilot screams "Oh my god Frank, the fuel light's on! We're all going to die! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! ... wait, wait, my mistake... that was the intercom light."

Rockwell looks around him and there was no one around. He put his hand at his chin and then rubbed it curiously. It didn't take long for them to make the first shot which miss Rockwell's foot by 3 centremeters.

I don't have any idea what a centremeter is, so I consequently don't know how concerned for Rockwell's safety I should be.

"Intruder! Leave the property of Reidman house now!" The P.A. shouted.

"Who, me?" Rockwell said with a concerned look on his face.

"You have excalty five second before we pump you full of lead."

+1, Home Alone reference.

"Now is a good time to escape."

"5..."

Rockwell ran away in panic, but discovered that he was going the wrong way.

"4..."

He took off like crazy.

Rockwell was always pretty good at cranking up the crazy and ripping off the knob.

"3... ah, the heck with it. Fire the torpodoes!"

A Nuclear Sub came through the ground and fired some torpodoes. Rockwell ran away and then saw a border line. He kept on running. Soon, he made it to the border and stepped over it. The torpodoes stopped and then turn away and ran back. Rockwell was confused. He look around him and saw a sign.

I can only surmise that torpodoes are dangerous somehow. And apparently sentient.

"Beware of hungry vicious rabid dogs that are on your side of the line." Rockwell read.

"Then that would mea-"

Rockwell was cutted off by a growling sound. He turned around and came face to face with a pitbull that was foaming at the mouth. An anime-style sweatdrop form at his head and then he ran away like crazy. The pitbull dog chased him. Soon, 64 dogs were chasing him.

"I knew I should have bought that meat on stick!" Rockwell screamed.

Ah, but my dear man, you are meat on a stick.

Then a lightbulb formed over Rockwell's head and he stepped over the border.

"Nah nah nah. I'm smarter than you." Rockwell taunted the dog.

This certainly should be true, but based on the spelling and grammar in this post I can't state it for fact.

*pants**pants**pants*

Suddenly, one of them crossed the line and Rockwell panicked and resumed running.

You do that.

---

Post #874, by EBPoo

"Ninth melody...ninth melody..." Poo thought aloud. "I'll need help to find the final melody. Help from someone who knows about unearthly things. Hmmm..." Poo blasted a single star into the air and yelled "Starmaster! Come here!" In a large blaze of light, Starmaster appeared.

"What is it, your Princeness?" Starmaster asked politely.

"Tell me about the ninth melody," Poo commanded.

"Well, unlike the other sanctuaries: Giant Step, Lilliput Steps, Milky Well, Rainy Circle, Magnet Hill, Pink Cloud, Lumine Hall, and Fire Springs, the ninth sanctuary is more complex. It isn't just there. You have to look for it," explained Starmaster.

Once again I feel compelled to note that if there was any such thing as a "ninth melody" I'm pretty sure the Star Master would have mentioned it to somebody by now. 

Also, I know these Asian gurus aren't supposed to say anything that makes sense, but: didn't we find the other eight Sanctuaries by looking for them? It's not like somebody mailed them to us.

"Look for it...doesn't seem hard..." Poo replied.

"No, but what makes it harder is that the ninth sanctuary is different for everyone. It could be one place for one and another place for another," said Starmaster.

Maybe these guys borrowed this "Ninth Melody" and "Everyone gets a piece of Magicant" nonsense from anime plots. That would explain a lot.

"Well, where's mine?" asked Poo impatiently.

"Your answer lies at where you got your first melody," Starmaster said as he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"My first melody...Fire Springs!" exclaimed Poo knowingly.

Which, I yet AGAIN feel compelled to repeat because I am kind of an asshole about these points of accuracy (you noticed that, right?), Fire Spring (there is no S at the end) is in no way the Gateway to Magicant. You get to Magicant via whichever was the eighth Sanctuary tune you nabbed.

Hours later, Poo was once again at Fire Springs.

Fire SPRING, jackass.

Then suddenly, everything went blurry as he was transported to Magicant. As he was there, he was greeted by locals. "Welcome back, Foolio!" greeted a penguin.

There was once a time when saying "foolio" made you cool. No, really.

"Shut up!" Poo snapped as he kicked the penguin into a wall. All of a sudden, a voice began talking to Poo. "Nevermind the ninth sanctuary. Luna's here. Find her. NOW! We have to stop her," the voice said.

"Stop her??? From doing what?

waffle, most likely.

I'm sorry, was this supposed to be a family-friendly annotation? I forgot.

And who are you? Or rather, what are you?" Poo was very confused.

"Oh come on, you know who I am. I'm your evil side," explained the voice.

"Evil side, eh? Well then, where's my good side?" asked Poo.

"Good side? What good side???" the voice said.

At least Poo's savvy enough to make the joke (or perhaps the Ha Ha Only Serious) before I got there.

"Oh...well, I guess I'll get going now," said Poo.

Hours later, Poo located Luna. Poo ran out to talk to her. "So, we meet again, Luna." Poo greeted. "Sorry for all my attempts to kill you."

I feel like Poo really should know better than to follow Luna around like a lost puppy. He thinks doing mean things to her will help her notice him, but it's not enough to overcome the very unattractive lost puppy thing. waffle should not feel threatened.

"Well, I guess it's all right if you're sorry." replied Luna. "But I have a question...why are you ALWAYS following me around?"

"Well, er...I don't know. But I have to be on my way now," said Poo as he walked away mumbling something about finding Falcon and taking over the world.

Poo is actually making his mistake worse by making it obvious, in so many words, that he's into Luna. (He actually did this for several years via various avenues at the site. Say this for him, he was not shy about it. Chris, he ain't.)

---

Post #875, by Anthadd

As Anthadd travelled along the Shore of Eden, he had to swerve inland to avoid the attacking Krakens, and hitting them with his golf clubs (I bought a whole set, and am lugging the entire case with me) whenever their backs were turned.

I'm surprised Anthadd fell into the Inexplicably Varying Person (he->I) trap.

He'd occasionally find a small seran-wrapped bowl of Kraken soup, which he also stowed in his backpack.
Up ahead, lay a small, golden statue. Behind, far in the distance, a rather large circular rock was descending, and rock buildings were exploding into flames.
"I can't go back now," he stated. "I have to face the evil inside me now."

Perhaps the reason guruzeth never bothered with the Magicant crap was because he openly embraced the evil inside him.

Posts #846-850: 5 May 2000

Post #846, by Dr. Andonuts

Nathan had found the missing sound stone piece, and teleported back to the present. He then sent all of his sound stones to Tim, and began to pray for him.

Tim's prayer was anserwed by N-tha-.
Na--an felt Tim's danger and prayed for his safety.

It's been so long since Liyoshi's last post (much less Dr. Andonuts') that I had to go back and find it to remember what the hell is going on there. Turns out it's pretty much the same thing Liyoshi's been up to since about post 400.

[This message has been edited by Dr. Andonuts (edited 05-05-2000).]

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Post #847, by guruzeth

"A map, eh?" said the barrel-chested old captain. "I got an old one in me pocket here, but it'll cost ya!"

"Cost us? Cost us what?" Tracy said.

Ohhhh. One spork is not enough! He's going to demand... another spork!

"Well, we don't really NEED one," said guruzeth. "I'm sure we could find it on our own if we had to."

Tracy's eyes widened and she started to say "Yes we do," but only got out "Y..." before guruzeth tugged her hand and gave her a "shhh, I'm fooling him" kind of facial expression, and she stopped.

Awww, they're holding hands!

Pretty sure PSI322's urge to kill was rising whenever she read that.

For real, though, even if it was inadvertent (and it was; trust me, I was there) it still qualifies as the closest brush with the Romance Rule since that hilariously awkward Chris/PSI322 dance thing. And even then Chris just skipped right over it because he was too excited to write. Which I think actually makes this the very first example of male/female physical contact (other than random Lunapunches and setting aside PP/QC) in the Gathering.

"Yeah, we probably could..." she said instead. "Just forget it."

"Aye, ye'll get lost on these seas!"

"I've sailed 'em before," said guruzeth. "I can probably find it, but I WOULD like a map... look." He opened his pack and pulled from it a brightly colored ruby. "I'll trade you this gem for your map, straight up."

"What be this..? said the Captain, looking at the gem.

"Take it or leave it," said guruzeth. The captain took it, and handed over a map in fairly good condition. The Captain went to the other end of the rickety ship to get it started.

I guess that's guruzeth's idea of sweet-talking. I can only hope he didn't strain his shoulder patting himself on the back.

"guru, how much was that gem worth?!" Tracy stage-whispered.

guruzeth smiled. "25 cents, maybe. It's a fake, but he doesn't know that. He wanted to hustle us, but we hustled him, mweehehe."

It's not often you come across someone so smug you want to punch him in the face just reading a random forum post. Twelve years later.

Not too long after that, they were sailing the high seas to Scaraba, where they planned to make for the Pyramid.

Did you ever notice how nobody ever sails the low seas? 

But when they were within a half hour of landfall, a storm began to kick up the high seas, and the rickety old boad sounded like it was on its last legs.

This would never have happened if they'd taken my advice and stayed on the low seas. Also: Boad. Way to loid it up, guruzeth. Or maybe he was just trying to make Traceh feel better.

"Aye, she be in trouble now," said the captain.

"What if it goes?" said Tracy.

"We'd have to swim for it..."

Seriously? That's not your only option. You also could totally choose to not swim, and just drown.

Suddenly, they whirled at the sound of a crack and then a splash. "Hey, where'd the Captain go?!" guruzeth shouted against the driving storm.

"I think he's overboard!" cried Tracy.

Which is the Captain going to choose? Swim, or drown? Tune in next week!

---

Post #848, by EBPoo

As Poo walked through Lumine Hall, words began appearing on the wall. The wall read: "After this melody, I'm going for the last one: Pink Cloud. But Falcon destroyed it with the Sound Sapper...Now I'll never get it! Now I'll never take over the world! NEVER! Waitaminute...my plans are being written on the walls. Hmm...I have to think of nice stuff. I like flowers. I like sunshine. You are my sunshine...Mwehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Huh? Oops...my only sunshine..."

Being that he is alone in Lumine Hall as far as I know, it's odd that he's concerned about his plans being written on the wall. Maybe he thinks there's a keylogger on there.

With that, Poo ran out of the cave, to where he put the Skyrunner II. "Skyrunner, Dalaam," Poo commanded.

You would think that since he purports to live in Dalaam, he would long since have collected Pink Cloud.

Awhile later, Poo arrived in Dalaam as a group of girls gathered around him again. "Girls, I TOLD you, autograph signing later!" Poo yelled impatiently.

IF as wish fulfillment. I'd point out that even waffy has an actual girl following him around, but the truth is Poo's been doing the Right Thing (writing interesting stuff on his own) and I don't want to discourage him.

With that, he ran towards the Pink Cloud cave. Once he got there, he took out his Brain Stone. Using his concentrated intelligence and ki, Poo was able to charge up Pink Cloud for one brief moment.

That would probably be chi, not ki, actually. I think.

In this one brief moment, Poo was able to claim the power with his Sound Stone replica. "All right! I have them all! Wait, but what about the fabled ninth melody...?"

Dunno. Why don't you just sit there on your ass and collect that one too? That plan seems solid.

---

Post #848, by Little Yoshi

(Okay, I've negleted to realize my mistake.

I'm yet to read the rest of the post, but $1000 says that by the time it finally ends he will still be neglecting to realize his mistake.

I have been throwing everyone who wants to help me out of the Evil Mani Mani battle.

It's their own fault for being idiots enough to go anywhere near your AC. Don't feel bad. You're doing them a great favor.

But, what I had really wanted was a personal duel. At the time[still on part one], I thought that I would never reach Magicant, so I figured I'd battle one of the non-sanctuary people for a good fight.

We are now on Part Three. Each thread is about 400 posts long. I was not kidding when I said he's been doing the same thing for more than 400 posts. 

Turns out I decided Evil Mani Mani was my target. If you guys want a pesonal duel, that's what they invented Magiant for.

Don't know what he's rambling about. You're not allowed to have 'personal duels' at all on IF.

However, about the Lavos thing. I have no control over this, and please don't flame me about this, just kindly point out your opinions. I considered Lavos as being our biggest, toughest boss yet, and that we'll ever face. I truly understand that Tengu/Maul would enjoy having a personal duel with Lavos, perhaps aided by a friend or two. I think that, however, Mog should be allowed to join, since I believe it is understood Lavos is our ultimate evil. However, I have no authority, so ask a moderator/forum administartor.

I read this as essentially an attempt to summon PSI322 and/or guruzeth to give Tengu his comeuppance. Tengu is really starting to piss off the kiddie klub.

If you badly want to be the one[s] to battle Evil Mani Mani, I'll stop the duel and continue it in Magicant. This is all I have to state in parenthesis, so onto the post!)

Actually, can we go back to pointless parenthetical comments? I thought what I just finished reading was the best material you've ever posted in this thread.

Tim realized the power of PSI Yoshi Beta!

*sigh*

"FOOL!" Evil Mani Mani shouted. He was obssesed with the word, Tim thought.
"Alright,let's see how this works!PSI Ultima Epsilon!" Tim shouted.
"FOOL! I have a sanctuary shield!" Evil Mani Mani said, lowering his guard until the attack evaded the shield, and hit Mani Mani hard."OOOOF!!"

See? Liyoshi has not the slightest awareness of his mistakes. Blah blah shield blah blah fool blah blah PSI Everything Dies blah blah SHIELD SHIELD SHIELD SHIELD. HOW EXCITING.

"Alright! Mimic!" Evil Mani Mani shouted, but he got no result.
"WHAT?!"
"Heh he!" Tim said, then suddenly, felt the urge to pray for Mog in return for the favor.
*Mog, I saved you once, remember the jellyfish? Well, you saved me in return with the diamondize pendant. I still owe you the favor, though. Please, get well soon!*

"FOOL!" Evil Mani Mani shouted, and atacked with Special Omega, followed up instantly with Special Beta. Tim quickly sipped the drink Mog had sent him which recovered 400HP and PP.
"PSI Yoshi Beta!" Tim called out, attacking Evil Mani Mani with the powerful attack.

I'm now rooting for him to keep carrying this on right through the entirety of Thread 3.

---

Post #850, by Falcon24

(I perfectly understand that. But like I said, only for the time being is it private. I plan these things out in advance, I always have a trump card Just be patient, it won't be "private" for long...in fact, at the end of this post you can most likely consider it public)

That was both longer and calmer of a "f*** you" for Liyoshi than I expected to see Falcon24 give.

Falcon knew the moment was right. "It's now or never!" He took off light lightning, racing towards Lavos.

Maybe "Light Lightning" was some kind of armor or pendant that was weak to one of Lavos's attacks.

...Well, that's my best shot at it, anyway.

The Gutsy Bat in his hand was charged with volatile PSI energy. At last, reaching his destination, he rammed the bat deep into Lavos' eye. Lavos roared in pain...but it was not defeated.

Maybe you just tickled him and he's giggling. Do you know for sure the difference between a Lavos Roar and a Lavos Giggle?

"What!? Impossible! Maybe...maybe we did need the melodies..." Falcon attempted to pull out the bat so he could regroup and think of a plan.

Just like how guruzeth was proud of his brute force, Falcon24 was proud of his planning. (Which is ironic since no one has ever been better than Falcon24 at sudden and haphazard application of brute force, while few have ever been better than guruzeth at planning and scheming.)

However, it was in quite far, and even with all his strength and concentration he could not pull it out.

Chance Falcon24 knew exactly what he was writing and thought it was funny: 99.5%. I'm declaring it ineligible for Double Entendre of the Gathering because it's so blatant.

His concentration was suddenly broken by a loud, unearthly scream. Lavos was striking back.

A beam of green energy rocketed forth from Lavos' eye/head.

"Eye" would do, really.

The energy encompassed Falcon, and a wave of pain washed over him. He desperately tried to free the bat, but it was still jammed too tightly. He tried to let go of the bat, but the pain was so intense that he did not even have the strength to release his grip. All he could see was radiant green light, and it blinded him. He let out a pain-filled scream.

A flash of light. And then Falcon's body slowly faded away...

He must have had this passage out of his attempt at novelizing Chrono Trigger already written out, and figured, why let it go to waste? So he substituted "Falcon" for "Crono" and put it on the internet for all to see.

[This message has been edited by Falcon24 (edited 05-05-2000).]