Posts #501-505: 23 April 2000

Post #501, by PsycoPyro

[[Anytime, QC. call me PP, mmk?]]

Oh, brother. I mean it, guys: this kid really has issues.

I looked behind and saw HIM!!!!
"NOOOO!!" I screamed. Only I am THE PYRO!!! You are a phony! A phony!!"
PPyro smirked at me and I whipped out my guns. I shot rounds.
355 HP Damage to PPyro. PPyro is defeated.
"There. No more PsycoPyro Wannabes!!! Now let's head for the hot springs!"
We journeyed to Hot Springs to find...

I mean... what do you even say to something like this? You say, 'okaaaaaaay', and move along.

[This message has been edited by PsycoPyro (edited 04-23-2000).]

---

Post #502, by Queen Catherine

Hey, look, another phony!!!

...everyone leaving!
"Wait for us!" I called out, but it was too late.
Everyone teleport and left us back in the Hot Springs.

He keeps saying 'hot springs', when he means the Fire Spring. Because, again, he never got that far in EarthBound, so he wouldn't know.

"We're left behind again!" I said, gritted my teeth."Well, at least I was right about them being here." Matt said.
I sighed, not knowing where else to go. We were stuck in The Lost Underworld. Trapped until someone could teleport us out...

Praise the Lord and pass the ammo.

---

Post #503, by Godeg

(Alright, here i go. This is my first IF entry ever, so be nice alright? I just went and read the entire IF today, so if ive got some screwed up stuff, im sorry)

He won't be sticking around. Guys like this usually don't, as (a) Godeg was a popular starmen.netter and usually busy socializing and (b) Godeg is not that interested in IF, but rather was sucked in by Gathering Mania, leading to (c) Godeg will quickly discover that the mind-staggering volume of new posts that accumulate in even a few hours far outstrips his interest in reading them to keep up.

[On board the Starcruiser Denterion]

The less-than-greater-than symbols were a lot more popular in 2000 than I remember them being, now that I have to replace them all with brackets. You'd be amazed how fast I've gotten at CTRL+H-lessthan-tab-[-tab-tab-tab-tab-enter-tab-tab-greaterthan-tab-]-tab-tab-tab-tab-enter. It would take your breath away.

"Ahh yes, finally our tactical advances in the Delta Sector have paid off. I think its time for a little break", Mike (me), commander of the Denterion, said to his Operations officer.

Why do people always feel it's so important to notify everyone that the AC they're introducing is (me!)? We know.

"Well, sir, it appears as if a whole bunch of sm.netters have gotten together for a little gathering. I think it would be to your advantage if you were to go and attend that.", the Ops officer stated.
"Hrm... i think you're right. I'm there. You're in command until i return", Mike said. "I think ill go and prepare my battle walker, considering that i may run into trouble."

I guess he's sharing with us a little tidbit on what a badass Mike is, or something. You'll notice how the probability any other writer/reader will ever in his/her life care about any of the above is 0.0%, but that doesn't stop people from writing it.

[Denterion Walker Support Bay]
"Alright, im ready. Ive got my battle walker all set... shield harmonics are normal, and weapons are operational. Life support is online as well. Beam me down to the gathering, Ops." In a flash of light, Mike is beamed down onto the beach of Eagleland Island.

I'm getting teary-eyed and nostalgic, wishing the halcyon days of wrecked aircraft littering the beach would return, if only for a day. *sniff*

By the way, did you guys hear about that 14 year old girl that fended off a goddamned shark with her goddammed boogieboard? That is pure distilled awesome. Not that I'm going to have her whacked or anything--I'm actually very fond of her--but if I ever lose my wife and manage to recover from the grief, I am tracking that girl down and marrying her, just as an experiment to see what the theoretical maximum Awesome rating of a newborn child could be. If she's already married, well... I won't know that guy, so I won't be above having him whacked.

I imagine the guy that runs badassoftheweek.com has already been deluged with emails on the subject.

[Eagleland Island: Beach]
"Hrm... looks like they were kickin it pretty good at this party. Looks kinda deserted, though. Wonder where everybody is at." Mike thought aloud.

Why do people insist on giving us internal monologues that tell us things we already know?

At this point, the battle walker's radio starts stating a message.

"Sir, it appears as if this island is based on the eagleland from Earthbound. The other people have gone on adventures trying to secure various sanctuaries. Perhaps you should go off on your own for now, like off to Giant Step in Onett" the radio said.

"Hrm... onett, eh? I think ill just request the location of that place from you guys up there, and have autopilot take me there. I think ill sleep for awhile... yes, that sounds good." Mike thought. Mike's battlewalker accepts the location of onett, and starts walking off in onett's general direction, as Mike drifts off into sleep.

That's wonderful. This post provides nothing useful or entertaining, which I suspect was intentional on Godeg's part; he likely didn't really expect to hang around. It's just a cameo.

---

Post #504, by Falcon24

Falcon shouted! "What are you waiting for, pogo!? Help me!!" Falcon noticed that pogo seemed to be in an almost catatonic state, "Oh, for crying out loud...Fine!!" Falcon struggled immensly, and at last broke free of Thunder & Storm's grip. He did a double backflip away from the monstrosity and then held out his hand.

He got the double backflip from Super Mario 64, naturally. Z plus A for the win!

"PSI Hypnosis Omega!!" An endless spiral seemed to come forth from Falcon's hand, directed at Thunder & Storm.

On whom Hypnosis very rarely works.

The hypnosis waves smashed into the apparition. It fell asleep! Falcon ran up and started kicking it. "Take that!! And THAT!! And some of THIS!!" it wasn't until he saw everyone staring at him did he stop.

"Errr...yeah...guess I should probably defeat it already..."

Yeah, pretty much. My kingdom for a writer who knows how to write a half-decent IF fight scene. Honestly, 'I kill Thunder and Storm' is far superior to anything anyone in this crew has belted out. Watching a cat play with a mouse is only interesting for about ten seconds at a time.

Falcon's hand reared back, a blast of arctic PSI Freeze encasing his hand in a shimmering blue glow. Then he released it, showering the guardian with a blast of freezing wind. Thunder & Storm froze right through, and Falcon merely had to tap it to cause him to shatter into thousands of tiny pieces.

"Well, now that that's over...a melody awaits."

---

Post #505, by PajamaManV4M

wow.. this is a huge post. oh well. I can never back out on a 3rd person writing interacting thing, so, I'll try this.

He's not kidding. I've never heard of this guy; as best I can tell, he wrote a handful of posts on the Gathering, a handful of posts on the Beyond EarthBound board, and promptly vanished into the ether from whence he came. Lifetime post count: Less than 20. The thing is, his few Gathering posts are ridiculously long. This is by far the longest post the Gathering has yet seen, and probably is a strong contender for longest post in the Gathering even after it's all done and we've seen Tengu and Chris's finest efforts.

Since neither of us cares about this guy, I'm not going to annotate his monstrosities much.

---------------------------------------------

PajamaMan had been cruising around in special Pajama Boat, one of his most worthless things. He'd won it in a contest to see who could come up with the most silliest outfit to wear every day.. and to think, all he had to do was accidently drop his nachos onto the stage.

PajamaMan thought what he would write in his journal for today.
4/23/00
I've been cruising around for a long time. I thought I'd reach land a long time ago, but-*%!581.
PajamaMan was tossed out the window of his Pajama Boat, and into some mud.

"Ugh.." moaned PajamaMan. "that was not nifty." He got up out of the mud, and brushed off his PJ's.
"The pajamas are OK, but my boat isn't."

I like to think they're feety pajamas. Feety pajamas are awesome.

He looked around. He saw a big, rock wall to his left, impossible to climb. On the right were some swampy trees, going in a line foward and then taking a left turn. And dead ahead was swamp water. It seemed useless to go ahead-but then he saw a monkey in the trees!

"Hey! Help!" yelled out PajamaMan, hoping the little monkey would understand what he said.
"What?"
PajamaMan was a little shocked..
"I'm waiting for an answer.."
"Uhh.. hi. Me human. Me need... h-e-l-p. Understand in me?" PajamaMan blurted.
"You confuse me.. come inside and let's talk."
PajamaMan took it a bit more seriously, and responded.
"Where?"
"Over here."
PajamaMan followed the voice and found a hut, and the monkey.

The sad thing is, is this better than 90% of the writing we've seen so far. It actually has a sprinkling of that, whatyacallit, plot.

Inside the hut..

"Where am I?" PajamaMan asked.
"You're in a place called Deep Darkness. It became a whole lot brighter when some kids threw a Hawk's Eye into the water. Better watch out, because there are many enemys lurking in the water, and the water is very deep." the monkey replied.

It's sludge more than water, really.

"WHAT?! Deep Darkness?! That's not even in the USA!"
"It is in Eagleland."
PajamaMan was silent.
"... I need help."
"SQUAK!"
"What was that?" PajamaMan got up.
A Telephone Myna Bird flew into the room.

I was under the impression they were kind of tethered to the pole they sit on, or at least that they had to be sitting on said pole in order for the phone to work.

"A TELEPHONE! I'LL CALL FOR HELP!"
PajamaMan grabbed the Myna Bird and started pulling on it's head. The bird got ticked off and started scratching PajamaMan with it's talons while screeching. Eventually, he got smart and let go.
"Don't mess with those." the monkey pointed out.
"Thanks anyway.. where is the next village?"
"Not far from here. Infact, it's right up on that small hill."
"The big rock wall? Can you get me there? My boat crashed."
"Sure! You'll get some help there."

PajamaMan and the monkey stood on the edge of deep swampwater.
"Uhh.. you go first." PajamaMan nudged the monkey a little.
He probably wants me to go in there!
"Sure." the monkey agreed and just went in.
"Whoa!"
The monkey was at the other side in no time.
"Now it's your turn, PajamaMan."
"How'd you know my name??"
"The kids that threw the Hawk's Eye into the water also taught a monkey PSI. They taught him only Teleport, but he soon became one of the biggest people in PSI."
"Ooo.. can I learn it?"
"Sure.. if you get over here."
PajamaMan looked at the swampy goop and sighed. He had no choice, so he took a deep breath, and jumped. He landed right in the middle, and quickly swam across. He gasped for air, with the length of the swamp and all.
"Follow me."
The monkey took a short trip up a hill and PajamaMan saw monkeys, humans, and huts. He took PajamaMan to a tree, where a white, floating monkey was meditating against a tree.
"Kickikiyo, we have a human who wants to learn the art of PSI."
"..."
Kickikiyo started glowing blue, and the monkey who escorted PajamaMan vanished.
PajamaMan, I assume.
Huh? Who is this?
My name is Kickikiyo, the monkey meditating against the tree.
Umm.. ok. Please explain what is happening.
I have just taught you telekienisis. I can tell, because I can hear you through your thoughts.
.. you did?
Yes. To use it, just simply put the image of the person into your head, and start thinking words. If you have a good mind, you can talk to many people at once.

*sigh* All of that just for yet another AC God Mode masturbating session?

Awesome. This is PSI?
Not really. This is simply the start. What is your favorite thing? Mm, abidaba... ah, pajamas. That won't work. Next favorite thing.. nachos? Heh. I guess this will work. Now, do this. Not through minds, say PSI Nachos Alpha.
"PSI Nachos Alpha!"
PajamaMan's hands started glowing. He lifted his right hand, and some outlined glowing rainbow nachos flew at the rock wall behind the tree. He lifted his left hand, and VERY hot rainbow outlined cheese flew at the wall.
"Awesome."
Now, take this.
An old backpack appeared in front of PajamaMan.
"What's this?" PajamaMan grabbed the backpack and opened it up. It was filled with truffles and bread rolls.
You'll need this to get through Deep Darkness. If your PSI doesn't work, eat one or two truffles. If you feel unhealthy, eat a bread roll or two. Overtime, you will gain new PSI.
"Uhh.. ok."
PajamaMan walked away from the tree, wondering what that was all about.

In my defense, I would wonder what this is all about, but I just can't quite bring myself to care. Moving right along...