Posts #573-575: 24 April 2000

Post #573, by Fritz42

Just then a Time space rip open up and an anvil falls on mog. `Frieza pokes his head out
"Sorry bout that guys"
`Frieza jumps out of the rip and it vanishes

Hahahahaha! I think I have a new favorite Gathering poster.

I don't know about you, but to me it feels very good to have someone trying to re-introduce some pointless insanity into the proceedings, which have dissolved into something that looks distressingly like every other IF thread of the day. Only bigger.

"So were u guys headed?"

---

Post #574, by Tengu Man/Makron

Darth sprung up, and growled...

"What?!" asked Mani.

"... it's here.... but a year behind it schedule..." Darth spoke morbidly.

"What, what's here?" asked Paula.

"The "Big Fire"... Lavos..." Darth said.

Well... for something that really thinks more in geological scale, being one year off is not such a big deal. That's like bitching that somebody was 0.08 seconds late for a meeting.

Obviously the more important point here is Tengu is acting like his AC expected this all along, as an attempt to snatch ownership of the Lavos concept away from Falcon24. Certainly Tengu was happier than anyone ever to introduce crossovers.

"WHAT?!" Mani screamed, "He's just in a game!!"

"EB was "just a game" too, and look how wrong we were. It seems to have the kind of energy a Lavoian would bring..." Darth answered.

"Great... another evil from a whole different concept... could it be true?" Mani was pondering...

"If so, we may be able to destroy him, since he's just arriving... It's too weak to do much right now..." Darth answered.

So Tengu announces he's more than happy to run with the Lavos concept. With him and Falcon24 driving the train, everyone else is going to gleefully follow along. Except maybe Chris.

[This message has been edited by Tengu Man/Makron (edited 04-24-2000).]

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Post #575, by PsycoPyro

"Whoa!" I said and then smirked. "heh heh he hehe! Jenny! We found Paula! Whoa! This is cool!"
"Matt," Jenny said with a whisper, "I wouldn't ask her phone number if I were you. You better not say anything to her or Ness will seriously kick you-"

Actually, this is the Tengu version of Paula, so Paula will beat the hell out of you herself while Ness does nothing, because Ness is a wimp.

Also, if I remember Tengu's post on the subject correctly, Ness isn't even here.

"So hey Paula? Say after this adventure, we go do something together?"
Paula stares at me and rolls her eyes. Ness on the other hand has a jealous look on his face.
"We should of left the boy behind at the Fire Springs." Ness said and crossed his arms.
"What was I doing?" I asked. "I was just-"
"Leave Paula alone!" Ness warned me.

Tengu's going to set off the fire alarm with the smoke pouring out his ears when he reads this. Then he'll calm down and dismiss the whole thing with a one sentence comment.

"Everyone calm down." Jenny said. "Matt, you should show some graititude to these guys. And stop playing around! If it weren't for them, they would have been at the Fire Springs. By the way, thanks you guys so much for the help."

Isn't it odd how Jenny isn't thinking about the fact Matt was just punching her in the face a minute ago?

"Wait..." Someone said. "I sense something wrong back at the Fire Springs."
...

Someone? I'm a little confused by that. Maybe he just didn't want to risk stepping on Tengu's toes, but even that makes little sense since he spent the rest of the post doing just that.

This is a string of three straight posts that were edited after posting, which makes me think there was a simul-post that forced some editing to make things line up.

[This message has been edited by PsycoPyro (edited 04-24-2000).]

Posts #571-572: 24 April 2000

Post #571, by loid

Kiyo and anthadd were headed for fourside when they saw mog under comet.

"Are you ok?"

"No im not ok! get this thing off me!"

Mog joins the party.

Awwww. Them's gonna be fwiends!

---

Post #572, by Falcon24

(Wow, I'm gone for a while and suddenly everyone is NOT fighting me, weird. Anyways...)

Falcon24 was the center of attention for a while... and I think he liked it.

Falcon stopped and closed his eyes.

But not, you'll notice, lightly. That's how you know he's a villain.

A morbid smile grew on his face. "It's here..." The Earth began to tremble, the Pink Cloud cave began to collapse. A dark shadow settles over the island. "The prophecy came true after all! And all I needed to do was collect two sanctuary melodies..."

With a large *KABOOM*, something large and devastating made impact with the island, right at the center. "Now all I have to do is bring it to life...farewell, 'heroes!' Your planet, and its future, are doomed.." Falcon cast his eyes skyward and shimmered out of existence, the winds of the earth carrying him to his final destination.

That's right: The Gathering is now a Chrono Trigger crossover. And I'll offer a spoiler: it's going to stay that way for the next 1,000 posts or so.

In the late 1990s, pretty much everything became a Chrono Trigger thread sooner or later. It was like a gaming forum's version of Godwin's Law.

Elsewhere, the large object lie smoldering in a vast crater, the ocean air cooling it from its decent through the atmosphere.

And it was breathing...

Never mind the whole thing where Lavos has to incubate for 60 million years or so before it's ready to open up a can of earth-shattering whoop-ass. Let's wait and see whether anyone points that out, or if everyone just runs with it anyway.

Posts #567-570: 24 April 2000

Post #567, by Fritz42

Fritz42 would later be known as `Frieza and was an interesting character in early starmen.net history. I'll tell more of that story some other time.

Pj and moo suddenly see a blinding flash of light and a rip in the time space thingie pull's `Frieza from out of nowhere Standing before them He lifts his Mighty hand and takes a mighty bite of his mighty corndog!!!.

* He speaks!

" So um.. Hey whats goin on?"

JUST then the rip reopens and `Frieza is Sucked up and never heard from "on this If" again... Or is he???

Moo and Pj are Baffled as to what this Craptacular cameo can mean But they continue on anyway.
LOL. Admit you laughed. It was funny.

There is nothing at all in this post that was even a little out of character for `Frieza. He was--and I say this affectionately--a weirdo.

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Post #568, by Tengu Man/Makron

Back at the Giygan Spaceship.

"Guys, we have to go back to Fire Springs. There's people standed there!" Paula suddenly sensed.

It's handy to have Paula around because she's the Gandalf, i.e., the Instant Plot Expositor. There's never any doubt what your next mission is.

"I feel it too." Diamond said, it being HIS home.

I'm not sure if Tengu is establishing Diamond Dog's masculinity or the fact Fire Spring is, emphatically, Diamond Dog's home and no one else's. It's doubly troublesome to ponder since no one has ever called either fact in question. Though I would call in question why a character would instantly sense whatever's going on in whatever his home is.

Diamond used PSI Teleport Gamma and sent them[including Mog] to the Fire Springs cave.

Once again Mog is but an insect. With a single bracketed comment Tengu returns the railroading favor.

Also, oh god, I just realized Tengu is responding to PP/QC's plea for attention. Presumably he's about to check and see if new Tengulings can be recruited here, although a cursory glance through a PP/QC post should establish he's not really Tenguling material, even if he passes the schizophrenia test with flying colors.

They got in just in time to see Jenny send Matt flying into a wall.

Oh, right. I forgot. That whole Matt beating on Jenny thing. Tengu could never resist a chance to jump into a hitting a girl situation and always--always--immediately reverse it so that the girl is physically (as well as intellectually and emotionally) superior.

*CRASH!*

"STOP!!" Mog yelled.

"Gah... other people..." Matt jumped, "Can you teleport!?"

"I can." Diamond Dog told them, "You must be the ones stranded. We'll get you back to Twoson."

Diamond Dog teleported Jenny, Matt, and his own group back to Twoson, but other problems were occuring in the Lost Underworld...

So the way I read this, and maybe I'm wrong, is that this post is Tengu telling PP/QC, "no hitting a girl on my watch, bucko." It's appallingly devoid of plot development for a Tengu post.

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Post #569, by PajamaManV4M

Zakk and PajamaMan were glad that Moo-Heimer had finished off the Big Pile of Puke, because it would've probably arose after some time... however, the fact of a swampy cow all of a sudden flinging into a giant pile of vomit was kind of odd.

Well. Can't dispute that point.

I forgot who Zakk was. Who's Zakk?

"This is obviously another enemy, PajamaMan!" Zakk declared, flexing his muscles.
"No!.. we have to find out who it is."

Really, if you wanted to keep with IF tradition you'd eviscerate first, ask questions later.

"I'm Mooooooo-Heimer."

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Post #570, by Mog116

All of a sudden, a comet fell out of the air and killed Mog.

Rocks fall everyone dies.

(If you can't tell, I have a very miserable life.)

(We could tell.)

I'm pretty sure I called that one in like the second Mog116 post.

I can tell when noone wants me to help write the story, and I can also tell when everyone hates me. I can tell that time is now.

I can tell you won't stay away for long. Because, as you said yourself, your life sucks. What else do you have to do except write crap on the internet and hope somewhere, somehow, someday, someone praises you for it?

And where's Pikachu3164 when you need him?

Posts #562-566: 24 April 2000

Post #562, by Chris

Just as the air in his tube ran out, the glass prison was shattered, and Chris found himself slummping to the floor. Juliana caught him before he fell, and layed him on a table while the party held off the other starmen. Eventually, once the area was clear, Chris awoke.

Hahahahahahaha. I'm starting to get the feeling he's never, ever going to let go of the whole Juliana thing. In case you missed it, the important words in that paragraph were "Juliana" and "layed" (sic).

God, I missed you, Chris. Please never go away again.

"Ugh...oh...ah...that was...different." he said. "Okay, this is too dangerous for me. I'm going back to the hotel now so that I don't get killed. Anyone that wants to come, fine; anyone that wants to continue the quest, here's my stuff. I bid you all good luck."

In English: Screw you guys, I'm outta here. Those of you who bet on "Chris gonna emo", you are winners!

And so, Chris made the long trek back to the hotel. Once he was outside of Stonehenge, be decided to find a way to get back to Deep Darkness so that he could leave Eagleland. As soon as he walked in the door, Dr. Andonuts pointed to the latest Sky Runner model, and soon, Chris found himself back in the south of Deep Darkness.

I like to think that's exactly how it went down: Chris walked in the door, and Dr. Andonuts half-turned from his chalkboard, looked at him, and pointed to the Sky Runner model and turned back to the chalkboard. Never said a thing. (He had spent the last eight months building this Sky Runner model specifically for Chris.)

He once again worked his way through the forest, and finally, emerged on the beach again, half a mile south of the hotel.

Before long, he was cleaned up and sitting on his rock again, pondering what had happened to him before...

Chris is testing to see if PSI322 will feel bad for him and come save him from his angst and/or his threat to leave and never return. Probably more likely one of the kiddies will follow him before she even gets a chance. Come to think of it, it's been a while since the last PSI322 post and she may already have given up on the thread.

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Post #563, by Dr. Andonuts

(Well in that case Falcon, I'm using the power of the sanuaries to counter your use of the power of the earth)

Um... sure. You do that.

Nathan said, "Sure, you can join my party," to Godeg.

Just don't forget it's my party. Got that?

Interactive Fiction: Where everyone is a party leader.

Fobby King appeared to have disappered, leaving behind half a sound stone. Nathan picked that up and added it to his sound stone. His ability to counter Falcon's earth powers increased.

From infinity?

Also, it's Foppy King, actually.

(Fobby King, what melodies does your sound stond have?)

Hahaha. He's asking Foppy King to help him shortcut; doesn't feel like doing all the work of, you know, reading the thread.

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Post #564, by PsycoPyro

Oh god. Here we go.

Meanwhile BACK AT THE CAVERENS IN THE LOST UNDERWORLD...

I sighed, noticing no one was going to help us get out of the Lost Underworld. I stared at the Fire Springs, trying to clear my mind.

What's this, the thirteenth time someone has complained that no one cares about their AC's fate? Back in the early parts of Project: Let's Get The Hell Away From Chris, there were still new kiddies joining in here and there, who would latch onto the dangling cliffhangers left by people like PsycoPyro checking their popularity. There have been no new posters for a while now (and I don't think there will be more than a handful more the rest of the way), so that's not happening, everyone is doing their own thing, and people like PP/QC are being left to twist in the wind.

"No one is going to come for us, Matt." Jenny finally decided.
I perked up from looking at the Fire Springs. I shook my head and stared back at the Fire Springs.
"And that's all what you're going to do?!" She yeled at me with anger. "You're just going to sit there and not think of something?"
"We shouldn't have come here, Jenny." I finally said. "You're little 'friends' ditched us and now we're stuck. I can't get back to MD and see my beloved in a long time... It's hopeless."

Wow, he's kind of going Chris on us here. I'm sure it won't last. Please tell me it won't last.

I frowned at saying what I just said. I had thought I had made friends at the island, but I was beginning to believe that I was being used. But I wonder about Jenny. What about her? What does she think of SM.Netters?
"But there has to be away to get out of here!" Jenny gasped. "The heat here is drainning my energy. Let's get out of here and find some help."
"Help?!" I shot back at her all of a sudden. "What do you mean help?! We're trapped here with no way of getting back to the island and back home! The Tendas don't have PSI of getting us back. We are trapped with no rescue mission planned!"
"Complainning about it isn't going to do anything. Let's just go-"

Voice of wisdom right there.

"No!"
"Matt, what's your problem... Matt.. What are you doing?!"
"There's only one way out of this..."
With that, I went insane. I tackled Jenny to the ground and started to attack her.
"Please forgive me." I said and slapped her.
Jenny takes 105 HP Damage from Matt.
"Ow! Forgive you for that?!"
Jenny digs her sharp fingernails.
Matt takes 134 HP damage.
"You won't believe this," I started to say, "but I have to fight you for a PSI Power..."

You probably recall he did this once already when no one was paying attention to him, and it was just as uninteresting then as it is now. Sadly, my friends, it looks like PP/QC is just about out of tricks.

[This message has been edited by PsycoPyro (edited 04-24-2000).]

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Post #565, by MooHeimer

Ahh, MooHeimer. He was one of my personal Original Four, the three guys that frequented the first internet forum I was ever a regular at, Striker164's EarthBound Message Board. The Original Four were waffy (then waffle), MooHeimer (then dr. andonut), Striker164 and myself. Sadly, MooHeimer has been gone for years; he died in a car wreck in (I think) around 2002.

Suddenly, Moo-Heimer emerges near tenda village and moo's.

Odd that he referred to himself as "Moo-Heimer" but his handle is hyphenless. I presume that's because undernet (where earthbound.net's IRC channel was hosted) didn't allow more than nine characters in a user name, so he dropped the hyphen.

He runs off and pops up right behind the big pule o puke and destroys it! Then he joins up with Pjman.

I guess MooHeimer and PajamamanV4M knew each other.

------------------
I am the almighty cow, unless godofcows is around...

That last line there is a signature block, which was outlawed by Interactive Fiction forum bylaws. This very well may have been MooHeimer's first (and possibly only) IF post.

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Post #566, by MooHeimer

Suddenly, Moo-Heimer emerges near tenda village and moo's. He runs off and pops up right behind the big pule o puke and destroys it! Then he joins up with Pjman.

------------------
I am the almighty cow, unless godofcows is around...

This is a double post. Double posts were fairly common in 2000, when a lot of people were still on dial-up internet and sometimes a forum's post script would add your post to the thread, but the forum software's attempt to re-load the page would fail. So you'd time out, wouldn't know your post in fact did get posted, and post it again.

Usually the moderators wiped those out if the original posters didn't do so themselves. This one got missed.

It feels weird that I have to explain this to an audience that might not really know what dial-up was like.

Posts #559-561: 24 April 2000

Post #559, by Tengu Man/Makron

(Um, that's what you think, Mog.)

Mog is lucky and I am sorely disappointed. That was as harmless a response as you will ever see from Tengu Man. Goes to show how important Mog is. He bothers Tengu like a gnat.

After what seemed like eons of searching, Darth's group had reached the center of the ship.

You probably forgot what the hell ship he's talking about, so I'll bring you up to speed: Last time Tengu posted he declared there was a ninth sanctuary that was located on a space alien ship somewhere, so he and Paula and friends went to get it. I think Ness was supposed to be there too, but Major Asshole reappropriated him and I imagine that's just fine with Tengu, who never had that much use for the kid. Yes, I know it's stupid. But keep reading and just trust me: it's worth it.

A large bubble floated within the center of the room, in it was Ginack.

Some critter Tengu made up. No, you're not supposed to know anything about it.

"Welcome... I hoped you'd get here. One of your friends is being kept entertained. Some little moogle, but that doesn't matter. You've come for the ninth melody, and I'll make sure you don't get it." he said as he bursted the bubble he was in.

I guess that's an offhanded comment regarding Mog116's previous post where he's fighting that Dark Shadow thing for no known reason. Tengu liked to write his own stuff unperturbed by others, but of course to be allowed to post it in an Interactive Fiction thread he had to at least pretend it had some connection to the rest of the plot. Hence the offhand references to other posts here and there. But if you pay attention you'll notice the plot development in 90% of Tengu's posts bears no relevance to anything else in the thread and is followed up on by no one except the occasional Tenguling.

Ginack shot PSI Freeze Omega at Darth, who countered with a slash with his lightsaber.

I really don't think PSI Freeze is something you shoot. The in-game description says it causes freezing cold winds to swirl around its target and so on.

Diamond Dog put up a power shield around the group.

Again with the goddamned pointless shields.

Mani jumped at him with new staff she earned, resulting in a SMASH blow on his head. He countered with PSI Fire, knocking Mani to the ground.

Again Tengu demonstrates poor understanding of physics, in game and out. Exactly how is fire, which has no mass, supposed to knock someone down?

Paula PSI Shielded everyone but Diamond Dog, then used PSI Magnet, stealing some of his HP.

And now PSI Magnet magically drains HP. Don't ask why; it's magic, dammit! Tengu's rolling into Major Asshole proportions of making s--- up as he goes.

Ginack charged Darth and knocked him backwards into the wall, shaking him up a little. He recovered and took one of Ginack's tentacles off with a slash of the lightsaber.

I fail to grasp the point of a character being shaken up if the very next sentence leads with "he recovered" and said shaking up is never referenced again.

"ARGH! How dare you!!" he yelled, but was blind-sided by Diamond Dog's bite. He used telekensis to pick Diamond Dog up and toss him into the wall, but being made out of Diamonds, he was barely damaged.

I dunno. If you're patient enough you CAN beat Diamond Dog to death with baseball bats and frying pans and such. Diamond Dog is fairly harmless at that stage in the game.

After a whole hour of fighting, everyone, including Ginack were almost ready to fall.

That should say "was". Everyone was, not everyone were. And he also forgot a comma. Ahhh.... where's loid when you need him?

Darth took an opportunity to sever him with the lightsaber and Ginack fell.

Everyone who put their money on "this whole fight sequence will be a complete waste of time that will of course end with the writer's AC killing the monster," cash in your tickets!Too bad you only got odds of like 1:10, since that's how 95% of fights turn out in bad IF.

Tired from the fight, they stared at the shining spot. But where was the melody.

As they appoarched, Paula and Mani began to glow with a white light.

"Ack... what's happening?!" Paula screamed, as the light glowed and faded.

Obviously you are being anointed to your rightful status of Protagonist.

The two girls fall to their knees, and Darth and Diamond could only watch as a large spring of heavenly energy opened up in front of them. Paula and Mani had been the keys.

They walked up to the spring just as Mog ran in, tired from his fight with the Dark Shadow

It would be funny to watch Tengu react to Mog116 concluding his AC's in-progress fight for him and dragging him into Mog's own plotline.

"Did you guys... find it..." he gulped.

"Mog... come on... we'd all better gain the powers of this place, and fast." Darth told him.

The 5 walked up to the light, and glowed a bright white color, and their powers suddenly increased.

Darth went from level 34 to 43.
Mog went from level [Mog's current level] to [nine levels ahead of Mog's current level]
Mani's level went from [Mani's current level] to [nine levels ahead of Mani's current level]
Vitality went up by 10 for everyone.
IQ. went up by 15 for everyone
Speed went up by 10 for everyone
Luck went up by 20 for everyone.
Guts went up by 30 for everyone.
Everyone's Max HP went up by 150.
Everyone's Max PP went up by 75.

Don't roll your eyes too hard. At least that's that many fewer pointless battle scripts we'll have to read.

(Mog, you and my group both got the powers. You happy?)

Hahahahaha! That's so devious.

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Post #560, by loid

There he is! The loid singal has been respnoded to!

-meahnwhile Anthadd and Kiyo were fighting shroom but noone seems to care sooooo....

I'm not certain if this is a complaint or just loid accepting the obvious. No one cares.

Kiyo looked at Anthadd, then at shroom and said
"Well actually shroom were not here to fight you. If you look at the raindrops over there, you'll see what I mean."

I'd try and gently break the bad news to him that Anthadd is no longer anywhere near him, but since neither Anthadd nor anyone else will ever read this post, it's not really necessary to break the poor kid's heart.

"What? Whats with the rain? Im looking but I dont see anything an..."
"NOW!" screamed anthadd. While shroom was looking away Kiyo and Anthadd pummeled it with rapid fire slingshot rocks and dimond hard yo-yo bashes, then shroom stopped moving.
"We did it, thats the last sanctuary." said Anthadd.
"But what about the one falc destroyed? We need those!"
suddenly a blue mist in the shape of an Ice Valk appeared. It spoke.

I'm not sure what an Ice Valk is or what game it's from. It was a spell in Lufia 2, but I presume that's not what loid is referencing.

"Smnetters, you have done well. You haved proved that the earth is worth saving so I will help you. Go back to fourside, the hill has been re-magnetized but beware, If evil stands opon that hill, then light turns to darkness, life to death and all will be lost."
"Um, ok." said anthadd confusedly.

Along with the rest of us. But Major Asshole is teaching us well. Let's just go with it, man.

"Well what are we waiting for? The world wont save itself! We gotta do this so we can go back and party man! Thats what we came here to do!"

In point of fact it's the other way around, and the party we started off with was just an excuse to go out and kick up some angst and bloodshed. I'm pretty sure you're the only one except possibly Chris that's interested in getting back to partying. And then Chris will head back out into bloodshedland once he realizes PSI322 isn't at the party.

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Post #261, by Ness The Skittleboy

Ness The Skittleboy took care of the opposing forces quickly and slid his katana back into his sheath."Just who are you?" asked Juliana. "My name..is no concern.." said Skittleboy."

Pleased to meet you, No Concern. Were your parents on drugs, or just retarded?

No seriously..youve been following us..what purpose?" said PsiOman."I am a ninja..I have no purpose.I follow what is right." said Ness The Skittleboy.

That is not what ninjas do. You're going to have to clarify that a little further.

You're right, ninjas don't clarify, either. You got me there.

Juliana said "Well..thank you for your help anyways." Ness The Skittleboy nodded."Will you be coming with us?" said PsiOman."I am not certain.." said Ness The Skittleboy.He shifted his katana out of his sheath and began walking down the halls of the base."I would be of little help..anyway" said Ness The Skittleboy.

Who is this mysterious Ness The Skittleboy?
Find out in the next post in "The First Annual starmen.net gathering!"

I'm curious to know if he actually expects someone to care and will be disappointed when no one does, or if he's just in his own little world and going to treat himself like a celebrity and to hell with everyone else.

Posts #556-558: 23 April 2000

Post #556, by Luna

"Well, as I figure it, since I have no weapon (Those stupid blue guys took my gun), I suppose we'll have to make a run for it. On the count of 3, we run screaming to the blue store!" Luna mumbled to Pogopunk.

I got lost on the reason why screaming is vital to Luna's master plan. Or was it just because it's fun?

"Sounds like a reasonable plan. I don't think this pogo stick is going to do anything againest some crazy blue guys." Pogopunk mumbled back.

But isn't that your Atomic Pogo Stick of Great Death? It can severely injure eldritch abominations, but it... can't do anything against some crazy blue guys. Huh.

"1... 2... 3!"
"AIEEEEEEEEE!!!" The two screamed at the top of their lungs, confusing the happy-haappyists for a second. A second was all they needed, and dashed off to the store. When inside, then slammed the door and put various heavy objects up againest it.

Luna really thinks it's spelled "againest." Also: You don't think the guys working in the shop have any problem with your preventing (a) potential customers and (b) their blue buddies from entering?

Also, it's interesting how Luna is happily playing along with being pogopunk's exclusive buddy for now.

"Okay, shopkeeper!" Luna said, turning to a quivering blue guy tending the shop "We need weapons, defense items, and food, and we need it now!"

Awesome! They're sticking up the village drugstore! (Presumably Luna is holding her finger out under her jacket, since she doesn't have a gun.)

Either way, it doesn't seem like much of a threat if you're admitting right up front you're in need of weapons, does it? A little like running into a gun shop and yelling at the owner, "Give me a gun right now!"

"O...Okay..." The shopkeeper mumbled nervously, handing over some very good weapons and items, including 2 gutsy bats, 2 star pendants, 2 souvineir coins, 2 goddess bands, and many assorted foods.

Yeah, I would also love to hear how or why exactly the hell these guys have Gutsy Bats and Goddess Bands, and if they do, why the hell they don't use them to beat the living hell out of a couple of kids who barge into their store and hold it up. This is just like someone barging into your room, unarmed, while you are holding a fully loaded M16 assault rifle, and demanding you hand over the rifle now--and you hand it over to them.

"Woah... I didn't know you guys had this stuff!" Pogopunk said, gawking at the star pendants and gutsy bats.
"We keep this stuff from regular customers... please don't hurt me!" The shopkeeper squealed, and ducked under the counter.

But we gladly give them to unarmed robbers!

Luna and Pogopunk equipped themselves and paid the blue guy 20$.
"Well, now that we're ready, what do we do?" Pogopunk asked Luna.

I'm willing to place a large wager that you didn't just get done arming yourselves to the teeth so you can quietly slip away to a safe place.

"We attack!" Luna smiled.

And I thought it was bad when Chris stole a boat that wasn't even seaworthy. Here are Luna and pogopunk committing armed robbery against a helpless small-town shop owner. The Annotated Gathering: where adolescent girls fantasize about committing major felonies!

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Post #567, by PSIOsman

I had to delete my last two posts because durring the time I'm writing, 5 other posts are made!! ok, typing quickly...

And two more were made while you were bitching!

You see someone complain about the pace of posting time after time because everyone felt keenly that they were participating something monumental, even historic, and wanted to express their awareness of that. He's not actually bitching; he's really writing that as a "wow, this is so awesome!"

"Hey, you, Starpunk! I'm tired of civilized discussion, Foppy Now!"

You'll notice that like many IF writers, Major Asshole does not have long tolerance for civilized discussion. Forty seconds tops, and it's time for blood to spurt.

With that, foppy rendered all shields useless

Makes you wonder why anyone bothers writing shields into the story so the next poster can, sure as sunrise, handwave them away, really. But they keep on doing it.

"Osman attack!"

Osman unshethed his deadly blade, striking a devistating first blow

to spelling.

"Chris, Juliana, Go!"

Yeah, you can just hear PSI and Chris instantly shouting, "sir, yes sir!" You wonder how much of this PSI322 can take before she decides she's better off with Chris's endless roundabout professions of undying love.

The two pummeled the Starman with their home run derby bats, knocking the enemy for one heck of a loop

I laughed. We need more language like "knocking the enemy for one heck of a loop" in our books.

"Ness! Take it!"

Ness thrashed the Supreme with everything he had

Wait, what the hell? Last I saw Ness, about 30 posts ago, Tengu was still dicking around with him. Now he's here, by himself, with no further explanation. I almost have to admire Major Asshole's complete disregard--as in, it never even crosses his mind--for anything making sense. He just goes with it, man.

"Alan! NOW!"

"PSI SURF!!!"
the events that followed were so incredible, that no amount of typing does is justice.

That might be the most awesome line in the entire Gathering so far. I love this guy.

Supreme was on the ropes

The last words Supreme ever heard came from Sir as he launched the final blow with his lightweight bazooka:

"We don't like being put in tubes."

Admit it: you didn't think for even a second anyone but Major Asshole was launching a final blow here, did you?

---

Post #558, by Mog116

(Look in my first post in the page 1. HAHA! Eat my shorts!)

LOL. However is Tengu going to respond to that devastating repartee?

After several minutes of telepathy, Mog gave up. "Fine lets fight."

You sound so disappointed to have to fight, too. Truly Gandhi could not fault you.

The Dark Shadow melted into a peerfect copy of Mog. "I will give you the Siren PSIer if you win."

I'd forgotten what the hell the Dark Shadow was, and it was only like 5 posts ago. Shows how much of a prayer there was of anyone even noticing what Mog was doing at the time.

I like how Dark Shadow is such a good sport. One presumes Mog wins when Dark Shadow is dead, leaving one to wonder why it couldn't come up with a better opening line than offering Mog what in this hypothetical would naturally be his anyway.

The floor gave way and they fell through into a room with a small island in the middle. "alright. PSI SUMMON: CHOCO/MOOGLE!" A moogle riding a chocobo ran into the room and rammed Dark Mog. Dark Mog used Mimic. The whole thing ran backwards hitting Mog for 2X damage. Mog dashed after Dark Mog and jabbed him with his spear. Dark Mog shot Mog with evil light. Mog absorbed the power of the light as rage. Mog gained a FForce Level.

Oh my god! I just gained a level myself! I'm investing it in an extra level of Could Not Care Less.

---

Posts #550-555: 23 April 2000

Post #550, by PSIOsman

After PSIOsman, Chris, Juliana, the Foppy King, Tim, Ness the Skittleboy, and Sir recovered from their stay inside the green tubes, they began to discuss what happened.

It's proper form to list yourself last in a group when narrating in first person. But screw that. It's time the world knew just how important PSIOsman is.

"Thanks," said Tim to the young surfer known as Alan. "You rescued us just in time. I was about to expire in there. But how did you know where to find us?"

"I don't know. I just had this feeling... that someone was calling me, someone named PSIOsman."

"That would be me," said Osman, stepping forward.

"YOU have PSI?" Asked Juliana, incredulously.

Everyone in the Gathering has telepathy, because, as we've discussed, teenagers were dreaming of cell phones long before they were invented and popularized. I don't think anyone has stated that telepathy = PSI, but let's face it, PSI is cool, so of course everyone has it.

"Well, only a little. I can do a bit of telepathy and some slight telekinesis, but that's it," he responded.

"Wow!" exclaimed Alan. "Can you teach me?"

"Sure. It's quite easy."

Not sure how well ol' Alan is going to take to playing the buffoon so PSIOsman can demonstrate to the audience how totally awesome he is.

Foppy King turned to Sir and the others and said "But what happened? How did we get inside those tubes? I thought we had beat the Supreme Starman!"

Ness the Skittleboy furrowed his brow. I don't know. All I remember is the wall buckling inward, and then we were here...

(Uh oh, we need someone to get us back on track. Who's with us and who's not?

Totally unnecessary parenthetical comment. How about you let the other authors decide that without holding their hands?

Oh, and don't get your hopes up on Alan deciding to continue hanging out with you.

[This message has been edited by PSIOsman (edited 04-23-2000).]

---

Post #551, by SaturnAl

"I will help you defeat this stardude guy, or like, join you guys if you want." (Answer yes/no)

Apparently he's ruling out the option of answering "maybe," or asking further questions for clarification, or ignoring him and moving on. CHECK YES OR NO RIGHT NOW!

"I know this awesome PSI move, dude, called Surf. And, like, my surfboard can dish out major damage, dude."

Well, I laughed at the gratuitous 'dude's all over the place. Sure he sounds stupid, but at least he sounds different.

Obviously you knew he was going to brag right back in Osman's face that he already knows kickass PSI moves. Duh.

"Let's go said Osman...

---

Post #552, by SirMontyG

Ok, you guys need to tell me this things, ok? I need to know the info. Come on people, throw me a freakin bone here!

(Bad Dr. Evil Impression, but I'm just that stupid, arn't I )

Yes. Yes, you are.

---

Post #553, by PSIOsman

Come to think of it, all I really remember about PSIOsman was how he would always mistakenly think people were talking to or about him when they'd say "(something) PSI" in #earthbound. They were invariably referring to PSI322, of course.

PSIOsman was unsure of how he became the leader of the group, but he said:

You didn't. What happened was you tried to appoint yourself leader of the group, and now we get to watch your effort go down in flames as everyone ridicules and then ignores you.

Protip for all the kiddies out there: you don't get to be a leader in an internet forum community just by pronouncing yourself one. This was 2000 and PSI322 was running the show, so PSIOsman's gaffe didn't hurt anything. Try that now at any other forum and then laugh at how quickly you get banned.

"Sure you can join us. But I still don't know what happened! I thought we beat that Starman!"

It's been a couple posts now, and he's still bitching about Anthadd railroading them into getting defeated. Which of course PSIOsman can't be defeated. He's too cool for that.

"Well," said Sir. "I think we can be off now. I think we should go back to where that Supreme Starman was. We can't retreat, can we?"

"OOOH! Wait! I remembered what I was supposed to tell you! POO GOT INTO MAGICANT!!!"

The whole group turned and said, "WHAT?"

Don't worry about it. It would be pretty stupid to imagine Poo got into Magicant, seeing as how it doesn't exist and even if it did, it's in Ness's brain. Also, you don't get there without the eight melodies, which... oh, hell, forget it.

Osman told them the entire story, about how he found out from Andonuts how Poo went to Fire Spring.

"This is indeed dire," said Tim. "We must go find Magicant before Poo gains its power!"

Apparently all you have to do is go to Fire Spring and you'll be magically whisked there. Since you all can teleport anywhere in the world at will, you should make Magicant in approximately 3.5 seconds.

Sir led the group into the room where the Supreme Starman was...

"Had been," really.

---

Post #554, by Mog116

You won't see it because I'll be breaking it up with my annotations, but this post is one of the things in IF I hate the very most: A large block of un-paragraphed text.

There was a loud alarm, and millions of more Starmen came through the door.

What the f---? Millions? Into that smallish room? What are these, three-inch Starman action figures?

Mog116 never fails to deliver the absurdity, that's for damn sure.

"Oh. Crud. Mog flung his spear and it hit a starman on the head. He jumped past the Starman, and ripped his spear out of the Starman's head. He skidded around and landed by a pit. "Crud." "PSI Float Omega!" Mog began floating, then dashed at a starman at blinding speed.

Sorry, I can't annotated the recst of this post, on account that I'm blind. :(

In a flash, Mog landed behind about fifty starmen, who then fell dead.

Great! Only 999,950 to go. Also, Starmen don't really "die" so much as they "are defeated."

He dashed through the door with the Starmen rushing after him.

Question from the Annoying Question Guy: Where exactly the hell is the rest of the gang here?

OK, I just went back and checked. Apparently he hasn't caught up to the rest of the gang yet, and was engaged in a rescue attempt when NessTSB and SaturnAl jumped in ahead of him. So now he's just literarily masturbating for a while.

He drove his spear through the door close button, and the door closed just in time to have hundreds of starmen hit the wall.

I'd criticize him for pretending that traps the Starmen for more than five seconds, but... at least he realized this was getting boring and ended it.

Mog ran through the corridors, not watching where he was going. It was good he was floating, because the whole ship kept tilting.

Doesn't that mean he really more like floated through the corridors, as opposed to running? Or should I be imagining Wile E. Coyote running through the open air before he looks down and realizes he ran off the edge of the cliff?

He ran into a room marked: CLOSE RANGE WEAPONRY. Screech!!! There was a huge monster standing in front of him. It had a head that looked like a comet. It was tall. It had two necks that helped it balance its head. It had four legs, which were twisting around each other to form two legs, although, it looked like it had two legs. It was almost transparent. Mog could see something shining behind it. "Do you want to fight me, the dark shadow, The mysterious copycat?" "Can I get some help?" [Someone... Help.... I'm in a cave in the lost underworld. HELP!]

Apparently ol' Mog ingested some pretty awesome hallucinogens mid-post and is now working on some kind of sci-fi fic.

I suggest you let him be.

---

Post #555, by SaturnAl

"HEY!!!" Alan said. "If this stardude guy is metal, like, my surf move is water-based. I know water does something to metal, but i don't know what...."

"Guess my 1.3 GPA is showing up here," Alan said.

Yes, Alan, yes it is. But shouldn't that be, "Dude, I guess my 1.3 GPA is showing up here, dude?"

The whole group was glad to hear that about Alan's PSI.

You gotta say this for Alan: he doesn't get discouraged and start threatening to cut himself when everyone ignores him, the way Mog or Foppy King does. He just tells you that you think he is the s---.

Posts #546-549: 23 April 2000

Post #546, by PSIOsman

(It was a SAM attachment. You add a radar, load in a missile and boom )

He's referring to something someone said less than five posts ago, and I'm writing this post right on the heels of the last one, and even I don't care.

After Sir fired the bazooka at Supreme Starman, the Starman took a second to regain his composure, then dodged the next shell that came his way. He then fired an EMP blast, which then disabled Sir's bazooka!

Um... somebody watched The Matrix without really grasping anything that was going on. It would be pretty awesome for Team Major Asshole if the "Supreme Starman" fired an EMP, since that would immediately disable the "Supreme Starman," which is, after all, a machine.

"Aw, Crap!" Yelled Sir.

Juliana sneaked up behind the Starman and gave him a SMAAAASH hit!

How nice of her. Let's hope the Starman doesn't turn around and just use it on her, huh?

Supreme Starman flew against the wall! The Foppy King ran towards him and dealt the Starman a fearsome kick in the head.

Come to think of it, there's no evidence that attacking a Starman's head is a good idea. They're humanoid, but they're robots. If one were designing a robot to fight humans, it would actually be clever to put the CPU and/or other vital systems somewhere like the left side of the abdomen, or the right thigh, or somewhere else nobody's going to think to aim, and make the head pointless and empty.

Then Tim rushed over, took out the Masamune and used a move called Hydro Slam on the Supreme Starman.

Tim is not going to like that. Tim attacks only with Leap Slash. "Hydro Slam" is not going to impress the ladies nearly as much.

The Starman keeled over, and it looked as if he were about to fall over... And released a huge pulse of energy! The energy blast knocked over Tim, Juliana, Sir, and the Foppy King... But Osman was untouched. His Scimitar had absorbed the energy!

Man, you're not going to believe this, but a baddie attacked a group and it injured everybody in the group... except the person writing this post. Shock! Awe!

It was now glowing with an unearthly light. Suddenly, an apparition appeared in the air, holding a katana. It slashed at the Starman, drawing his attention away from PSIOsman. It was Ness the Skittleboy! HE yelled, "Chris! Get off the table!" PSIOsman leaped into the air... He slashed the Starman as he came down. The Starman split in half, then disintegrated! With that, the Scimitar returned to normal.

"Yes! We beat him!" Yelled NSB.

You know, for the painfully poor battle scripting, PSIOsman was at least working a pretty nifty idea here: building into the post that came before him, and making the chronology line up. That's a long way beyond the effort most any other poster is taking.

However, the wall of the room started to buckle inward. PSIOsman sheathed his Scimitar, and ran to the other side. The whole group was hit by a wave of dizziness, and the next thing they knew, they were staring out of green glass tubes...

And he continues trying to piece together the writings of other posters, which will make it very difficult for Chris or PSI322 to object to it if/when they return. (Of course, Chris and PSI322 are talented writers, which means they can write their way out of an undesirable situation instead of trying to bitch their way out.)

PSIOsman glanced to his sides, and saw all the people in other tubes. He concentrated hard, sending out a telepathic message...

(I'm a bit confused. Can someone give me an update here?)

I know, it's both crazy and disappointing, but no... you actually seem to understand perfectly what's going on thus far.

[This message has been edited by PSIOsman (edited 04-23-2000).]

---

Post #547, by SaturnAl

Far away in Summers....

A young surfer in Summers, Alan, heard PSIOman's call. "What was that? Who are you?"

Wow. It's been a long time since we've introduced a new Gathering poster. Sadly, I remember nothing about SaturnAl, so I can tell you nothing entertaining.

Alan didn't know anything about PSI, including about him having it, or how to use it.

If it's any consolation, Alan, Chris has been trying to figure out the same thing for hundreds of posts now.

PSIOman, in the test tube, told Alan the story and how to use PSI. "Okay, here it goes..."

Alan instantly appeared next to the test tubes, equipped with only a silver bracelet, silver necklace (chain), and his surfboard.

You get no points for guessing that the first thing he'd do with his PSI is instantly appear where the action is. The jokes on you, Al, old chap: Lots of people have already been doing that without PSI. You wasted a spell slot!

He saw PSIOman and co. in the tubes, and broke open the tubes with his board. "Thank you, thank you!" PSIOman said. He/she (whoever) taught Alan the basic PSI moves, and his special move, PSI Surf. Alan, PSIOman, and co. moved on...

Makes perfect sense to me that the aliens would construct prison-tubes that are easily breakable by a (presumably fiberglass) surfboard wielded by a 12-year-old. I don't know why you are having such trouble grasping it.

---

Post #548, by Tengu Man/Makron

(Too late Mog.

Uh-oh. You woke it up!

You don't have to scream, plus, just because you PLANNED that out doesn't mean anyone has to abide to it. If they want, they can make up their own idea. That's why it's interactive fiction.

That Tengu Man of all people is lecturing someone about what "interactive" means is meta-comedy on the highest plane. Here, watch this:

And I already came up with the ideafor 9th sanct, so better luck next time. I guess I should have told you this earlier. You can join my group if you wish, though.)

Did you catch that?

First, Tengu Man sternly informs Mog116 that he can't monopolize a future story arc. Then, in the same breath, Tengu Man--even with a dash of taunting for flavor--informs Mog116, and anybody else that's reading, that you can't mess with this future story arc because it's MINE. And then he invited Mog116 to become his minion.

Tengu was a magnificent bastard.

Darth and his group had just recently scaled a large mountain near Dalaam. They were greeted by the site of a large space ship.

"Is this where melody is coming from?" asked Paula.

Diamond Dog sniffed around... "I'm not sure... I think it's located somewhere around the ship, but this one can't be destroyed, so anyone and everyone that matches can claim the powers of this spot."

They proceeded around the back of the ship, and found a small door leading inside...

Not much here except Tengu laying down a few more railroad tracks. Oh, how I wish someone would skip along right behind this post and take it somewhere completely different, and quote Tengu's own post back to him when he gets pissed off.

---

Post #549, by SirMontyG

Hey Anthadd! We were just winning!

I was expecting so much more from Major Asshole than an ordinary one sentence gripe.

For some reason, Thread 2 Page 1 has only 39 posts on it instead of the normal 40. I presumed I'd made an error and missed a post somewhere, but after a half-hour of painstaking searching, I have concluded that I did not. I don't know why a post is missing, but I know it's going to throw off my organization. So my next post on this blog will pick up with Thread 2 Page 2 and will annotate six posts.

Posts #541-545: 23 April 2000

Post #541, by Foppy King

(Uh oh! I'm in 2 places at once! This isn't good...) "Fortunetely, I can split myself into 2 Foppys!" (Woo fixed that one.)

Thank you for reminding us why nobody wanted to include you in their writing, in about ten different ways. Now let's hope the "no problem, I can split myself into two and participate in two storylines at once!" idea never gets Tengu's brain churning.

---

Post #542, by Godeg

Mike promptly appeared on pink cloud, appearing next to Nathan.

You'll notice how a lot of things happen promptly in IF. It's for the best; not only does nobody want to write two or three posts that consist of "[character] climbed by himself up the mountain and some irrelevant stuff happened...", nobody wants to read it, either. I mean, people could make more of an effort to add a dash of interesting to the story ("Mike climbed the unforgiving mountain, struggling through rain, cold and fatigue, and finally caught up to Nathan...") but it's just hopeless to expect an IF'er to pull that off.

"Hey Nathan, how's it goin? You know me as Godeg off of StarCraft and whatnot. I thought there was some sort of party goin' on... what happened?" Mike asked Nathan.

The question of how Godeg recognizes Nathan, but does not expect Nathan to recognize him, is tossed onto the big ol' heapin' Pile of Questions in the Gathering That Will Never Be Answered.

"Well, it appears as if this island really is eagleland. Everybody decided to go out and look for the sanctuaries." Nathan replied.

"Well... since ive got nobody else, can i follow you for awhile? I mean, that is, if you want to..." Mike awaits Nathan's reply.

Aww, it almost sounds like something Chris would post. "I've got nobody else. I mean, that is, if you want to..."

---

Post #543, by Ness The Skittleboy

Back In Scaraba...

Ness The Skittleboy woke up from a very disturbing dream,a dream in which had answered the question of what was following Juilana and Chris.

This is, I'm pretty sure, the first mention of anything following Chris and "Juilana," whoever that is. (Let's hope he/she/it is not related to Juiblex.) Unless he's talking about PSIOsman.

Fate has been following him,and he had an image of Chris and Juliana in trouble.

No... that's not what all that groaning and moaning means, kiddo.

Oh... sorry. I got confused there. I thought this was Chris dreaming.

He sat down on the floor of his tent and began to concentrate.He transported to Stonehenge base and searched for the secret passage beneath the snow.He walked down the steps into the behemoth of the base and began searching for Chris and Juilana in the darkness.

I'm getting concerned that this "Juilana" is a Great Old One in disguise.

The path was littered with broken robotic parts of unkown orgin.Ness The Skittleboy suddenly saw a flash and he saw Juliana and another individual in front of him. The person with Juliana was fighting a starman and he saw Chris lying on a table in the corner.Juliana turned around,startled at Skittleboy's appearence and he nodded and said "Have no fear..I have no evil intent."

Well, then. He said he has no evil intent, so that's that. There's no way he could be a bad guy now! I'm glad that's settled.

Also, wait, what the hell? When did Chris say "I get incapacitated"? It's going to be funny to see how Chris responds to that. By swinging his Holy Mace of Admin Kickass, or by moping around? DON'T MISS NEXT WEEK'S SHOW.

With that he pulled out his katana and did the samurai luck ceremony.He then raised his katana into attack position and spun through the air,slicing the starman with a fierce backslash.The starman blocked and reversed,drawing his attention to Skittleboy instead of PsiOman.Blocking blows from the starman Skittleboy yelled "Now..get Chris off the table..hurry"

Ah, it's the White Knight play. Get the fair maiden's attention via heroic sacrifice. It's especially effective when, thanks to AC Immortality, there's no actual risk of having to sacrifice anything!

---

Post #544, by Anthadd

"Shrooom!" Anthadd exclaimed. "I challenge you for the Your Sanctuary you now control!"

Anthadd should know better. Shrooom! accepts challenges from no one but Ness. But I'm being as boring as Anthadd is, pointing that out all the time, so I'll shut up.

"Foolish child," Shrooom! hissed. "They never learn. Ness barely escaped with his life."

But you did not escape with yours. What in the hell are you doing back here again? This does not make sense.

"Maybe we're luckier," Kiyo retorted.
"Not."

...not? Shrooom! is a 13-year-old valley girl?

Writing like that in the Lumine Hall appeared in an empty hall.
"The denizens of Starmen.Net fare well...but can they survive the evil among them?"
"Yes...but only if they learn to work together."
"Then, we must test them."
"They have already proven their worthiness, by finding their way in such amazing ways. Magic, jets, swimming."
The writing disappeared.

There's a 67% chance Anthadd was tripping on shrooms when he wrote this. That makes that first part make a lot more sense.

The SM.Netters within the Stonehenge base had been defeated, and now lay encased within the capsules the test subjects were, their strength ebbing.
"Help us...someone...please..." PSIOsman telepathically communicated.

Man, this is weird. Declaring that other people's ACs in a battle that has nothing to do with what your AC is doing have been defeated and captured is a great way to get a whole bunch of people pissed off at you. Anthadd has just done this very thing to the forum admins. I guess this is the kind of stuff that happens when you (as the admins have lately) go a while without posting. People just assume you're not really coming back and start doing whatever they want with your ACs.

---

Post #545, by Mog116

(HELLO! THE NINTH SANCTUARY IS AT THE SUNKEN GIYGAN SPACE SHIP FROM MOTHER1!!!!!! AND IF I"M THE ONLY ONE THERE, I'LL UNLOCK IT, WITHOUT YOUR HELP!)

Yeah, I wish you every luck in your effort to make that fly, bucko.

Mog reached the top of the wall he wasw climbing. "Huh?" There was a huge spaceship looming in front of him. It had to be several hundred feet tall. "Dang." Mog looked at the things gaurding it. They looked like super-deformed Starmen.

Pretty much every baddie in bad Earthbound fic looks like some variation on Starmen.

They were all wearing white robes, which were dangling above their feet. "I'm gonna need some help..." Mog, without thinking jumped forward.

Mog, without thinking wrote an IF post. Mog, without thinking could not understand why everyone either ignored it or got pissed off by it.

"PSI SUMMON: STRAY!" There was a flash, and a cat appeared. It did a quick dance, and confused all the Hooded Starmen.

Yeah... I didn't know you could use PSI to invoke Espers from Final Fantasy VI either. But apparently PSI can only summon the really sucky ones.

They started beating the well... er... They beat each other up. Mog won! Mog gained 12 PSI Counters (The measure of points you need to learn a new PSI) Mog realized the power of PSI Quake! Mog Realized the power of PSI Summon: Starmen! Mog gained 3675 exp.

Everyone else Realized the power of PSI Set to Ignore: Mog116. You begin to see why I am the very first person to read this entire thing. Or at least, I assume I will be. We're still only one-third of the way through it at best, so my sanity still has to stretch a long way yet.

[This message has been edited by Mog116 (edited 04-23-2000).]

Posts #536-540: 23 April 2000

Post #536, by Falcon24

Falcon let out an ear-shattering laugh. "You fool! I'm not using the power of the Sanctuaries! i'm using the power of the Earth!!!" With that, Falcon raised a hand, and a large bolt of lightning came forth, soaring straight toward's Dr. Andonut's Sound Stone.

Okay: Two sentences plus a third for his scornful laughter.

Note how he doesn't go right on ahead and break said Sound Stone, but leaves the door open for Dr. A to handwave his attack away. Note also the brevity of this post, especially by Falcon24's standards; this is not a serious post. It's just an "I don't think so, kiddo."

---

Post #537, by Foppy King

Suddenly, the Foppy King teleported to Nathan. "Hi!"
"Hello,"
"I have what you need."
"You do?"
"Yes"
"May I have it?"
"On one condition."
"What?"
" PLEEAASSE let me join you!"
"Well..."
(Falcon's lightning flew towards the Sound stone)
"Watch out!" cried the Foppy King. He leaped into the air and took the lightning attack. 500 damage to the Foppy King...

Apparently talking really is a free action. He seems to have stopped time to have this brief conversation with Nathan between the time the lightning left Falcon24's hand and the time it arrived at Nathan's Sound Stone.

Even though There Are No Girls on the Internet, you could easily have convinced me Foppy King was an emo girl, what with his desperation for attention and attempt to guilt trip Dr. A into showing attention for him. (See, I took a hit for your AC, so are you really so coldhearted as to leave me to die now? Huh?)

[This message has been edited by Foppy King (edited 04-23-2000).]

Post #538, by EBPoo

After landing the Skyrunner II on the Monotoli Building in Fourside, Poo set off to find Falcon. Now, where would I be if I was him? Poo asked himself. So Poo decided to go to the Magnet Hill Sanctuary location, only to find it in ruins. "My guess is...Falcon's been through here."

EBPoo is ignoring Tengu's edict that the Sanctuaries regenerate more or less instantly. Well, I say ignoring; most likely EBPoo never read Tengu's post in question, or any of Tengu's posts. They're kind of long.

Looking to a corner, Poo saw a giant rat. Communicating with it psychically, Poo could understand it. [SQUEAK! That bird-like figure trashed this place with his...what was it called? Oh right, Sound Sapper. He said something about heading off to Dalaam.] "Thanks for your help, rat. Well, looks like I can't do anything here. So off to Dalaam I go." Boarding the Skyrunner II once again, Poo set its navigator to Dalaam, his homeland. "Hopefully Falc hasn't messed it up too much," Poo said to himself in fear.

Now there's a rare thing, a flying unicorn of IF if you will: an AC confronts a random monster--one that was actually a boss in EarthBound at that--and instead of vaporizing it, asks it for help. Which the monster, relieved beyond measure to not be getting launched into the Sun for once, is only too happy to give.

---

Post #539, by Godeg

Hours later, Mike recovered.

If he were Foppy King, this post would have come only after posting (COME ON! MY AC IS UNCONSCIOUS AND HELPLESS!!!! PLEASE SOMEONE COME AND HELP ME!!! I SWEAR I'LL LEAVE IF YOU DON'T!!11) Well, yeah, with more misspellings. But yeah.

"Oof... that hurt. I wonder what i should do now..." At that moment, Mike's communicator went off.

"Sir, Sir! Are you alright?!" It was the Denterion.

"Yeah, im fine. My walker is busted up though. That was pretty crazy. Beam me up. I need to get some stuff." Mike replied. Mike expected to be beamed up to the Denterion, but that didn't happen.

"Sir, it appears as if our ship-bound teleporters are not working. We can teleport you to anywhere on the planet though..." Ops blandly replied.

Of course they can. Thus my prophecy of the mech's loss having no real effect on Mike at all comes to pass. Believe in the truth of Baron von Awesome, IF Seer!

"Carp!!! What else could go wrong?! Can't you send me down some supplies? Like food or a weapon?" Mike asked. In a flash of light, Mike noticed that a Pulse rifle and a peanut cheese bar were beamed down from the ship. "Sweet. Thanks guys. Now, hook me up with pink cloud again. I'm gonna go try to lay the smack down."

"Very well, sir. As you wish." the Denterion also added: " Remember, we're here for you if you need any support." Mike was teleported back to pink cloud.

Thus the invincible good guy goes off to do battle against the invincible bad guy. It's like playing multiplayer Goldeneye with Invincible turned on for all players. Try it sometime, and notice the total absence of tension. Notice also how quickly you get bored.*

That's really where IF as a concept fails: To make it work, to give the story real tension, you need a good writer to play the Big Bad who is willing, in the end, to lose. And then you also need several good writers to play Good Guys who are willing, long before the story ends, to die. That never happens, and that's why you get no tension.

Don't worry about the Gathering, though; there will be tension galore, soon. No, not in the form of any good-versus-evil fighting, of course. But there will be lots of obvious tension between the various writers. Not their AC's; the writers themselves. It's going to be fun!

* Invincible doesn't actually work in Goldeneye's multiplayer, but theoretically you could Gameshark it. Or just use your damn imagination.

---

Post #540, by SirMontyG

"A shield killer? Where'd you get that??" Sir questions in the heat of battle

"I had it!" A quite voice said. It was Foppy King.

Aww. It's too Foppy King already jumped in elsewhere. I have a feeling Major Asshole is about to teach him to be careful what he wishes for.

"There'l be time to tell you how cool you are later: Just use it!" Said Sir (He had locked on to the Starman's weak spot, his control panel on his chest, minutes ago, and was getting ainxious to use it. BTW, the lightweight bazooka dosen't have Site to air missles. That's just nutty.)

Major Asshole ridicules Foppy King for trying to act cool, and then spends the next three sentences trying to act cool. Smooth.

Also: It's Surface-to-Air, dumbass.

Foppy King used the shield killer! The protective orb dissapated the second Sir fired. *WHHAAAMMMM!!* the Starman suffered a direct blow.

"A few more of those and this guy's scrap metal!" Sir quicly reloaded and prepared to fire again...

Yeah, I know. These tension-free battle scenes just drag on forever. This is because
(a) Teenage boys like violence, and
(b) They're not so keen on, or good at, advancing a plot in any kind of coherent matter. So this is mostly the stuff they do.

Posts #531-535: 23 April 2000

Post #531, by pogopunk

screaming, pogopunk ran from the evil shape coming from the ceiling. "aieeeeeeee!"

"stop screaming you ninny," it said, "anyway, falcon's destroyed this sanctuary, so my work here is done..now on to another sanctuary..mwehehe" snickering to itself, the figure melted away, off to wreak more havoc.

No, I don't recall ever hearing about any evil entities from the ceiling, either.

"oh craps! this place is falling apart!" pogopunk said, to no one in particular, since ice had vanished.

That's refreshing honesty, isn't it? He's acknowledging no one is listening to him.

"ugh, i'm getting outta here!" teleporting out of the cave of pink cloud, he appeared near a dalaamese shop. after munching on a bowl of rice gruel, he debated what to do next. he could try and stop falcon24, but he knew some other group would take him.

Translation: Oh wow, I just realized how boring this whole trying to oppose Falcon24 thing is.

[stinks, i'm stuck in a cell, those spoony happy-happyists] luna sent out. [anyway, someone help me, i hate it here]

I know I said this already, but it's funny the way teenagers were dreaming of cell phones before the technology to make it happen finally got there. Good thing the technology took its time; I don't think I could have tolerated a Gathering where everyone is txtn each other.

perking up his ears (even though that doesnt really help receive psychic calls) pogopunk sent out a message of his own.

[ok luna, i'm gonna come and help you bust outta there. it wont be pretty, so sit tight]

[yeah yeah, just hurry up. i'm feeling claustrophobic, plus it smells in here!] she said.

and so paying for his meal, pogopunk teleported off to the mountain cabin to free luna. arriving there, and batting a couple of spiteful crows out of his face, he entered the cabin. "phew! it does smell in here! geez, those happy-happyists are reallly in need of a shower or something," he said, covering his nose up. "ok, lemme try and bash it down with my pogostick." rearing back his stick, he took a deep breath and smaaaashed the bars. a loud metallic ring reverberated through the mountains, and pogopunk found his shiny new stick with a dent in it.

"silly pogo, you didnt do anything. sigh, do i have to do everything myself?" taking a hair clip, she bent over and picked the lock. "there, all better."

The bending over was the important part.

dumbstruck, pogopunk mumbled, "umm, well, er, good job, lets get going!"

luna and pogopunk made their way out, but were stopped by a small group of happy-happyists. "blue blue, loud ring you made, blue blue, not nice, blue blue, suffer!"

"so, what do you suppose we do know, luna?"

Talk about IF-as-fantasy-fulfillment. For the not EarthBound initiated among you, pogopunk just re-enacted every teenage boy's very favorite scene from EarthBound, the one where you rescue the pretty girl who's being held captive in a jail cell. (Yeah, deep down, it was mine, too. Teenage boys are predictable that way.) Except, of course, he put Luna in there instead of Paula. You might wonder what the hell that was all about seeing as how Luna effortlessly let herself out of the cell. It's because she was waiting for someone as dreamy as pogopunk to come and rescue her. Duh.

---

Post #532, by Godeg

Give Godeg credit. He's already hung around longer than I expected he would.

Mike arrives at pink cloud just in time to see Falcon24 hurl a large chunk of rock. Without hesitating, Mike powered up his weapon systems and fired upon the rock, saving the group that the rock was originally intended for.

How exactly does Mike know that Falcon24 isn't the hero, just about to save the world from certain doom by crushing the group of nefarious villains beneath said rock?

Well, yeah, I know he's Falcon24. But 'Mike' doesn't know that, cool mech thing be damned.

"Hrm... this looks bad. Maybe i should have just turned around when i had the chance" Mike thought. Mike sees Falcon24 turn around, directing has hand toward Mike's battle walker. "Oh carp. I'm screwed." Mike realized that he was in trouble.

The Department of Redundancy Department approves of those last two sentences.

Chunks of rocks started flying at Mike's walker from all directions, and the walker was destroyed. The resulting explosion launched Mike from pink cloud out into the Peaceful Rest Valley area, leaving him unconscious.

Though the mech was cool, you'll see (assuming Godeg continues posting) that it made no effective difference whatsoever on his AC, who will continue teleporting around and generally being invincible as normal.

---

Post #533, by Foppy King

(Ok please respond to me. Anybody. Do you now how boring it is to be ignored. PLEASE? I will join anyone. ANYONE.)

There's something almost charming about his raw pleas for attention. You're thinking, 'yeah, no doubt this kid killed himself eight or nine years ago,' but you'd be wrong. He's still around SM.Net now and again.

The cry for attention thing on its own isn't that big a deal. What's annoying is how damn lazy this kid is. This is four or five times now he's posted nothing except 'PLZ TO PAY ATTENSHUN TO ME?'. Zero content. It's not like it takes much effort to just write yourself into somebody's group, and they won't pay any active attention to you, sure, but they'll probably attach your name somewhere in their next post. But that's too much work for our friend Foppy King.

---

Post #534, by PajamaManV4M

Well.. I have about ten minutes. So I'll make this one quick.

Thank God.

PajamaMan was in trouble.

Any way we can skip past the 'trouble' part and move straight to the funeral? Or burial, even better.

No one had responded to his call for help.

Well, color me shocked. Shocked!

How would he be able to get through Deep Darkness with a bunch of mean baddies hiding in the swamp? He was scared of the swamp. He didn't know what enemies lurked below, and he felt like a huge serpant would arise and swallow him whole. And what worried him the most was that he kept getting a vision of a large, pink cloud getting the energy sucked out of it. All seemed grimy.

Where the hell did 'grimy' come from? SimCity 2000's random adjective generator?

Then, from the sky, he could see a small thing headed this way.
"Great! More trouble!"

It came down faster than he thought, and soon landed it's feet on the ground. It looked like a Flying Man, only the fact that his head was bright green and the rest of his body was dark green.

"Hi. I'm Zakk. You can call me Flying Man 6."
"Wh-who are you?"
"Zakk. I'm going to join your party."

Like hell you are. You're only allowed one AC in this story, son.

No, really, as with SuperSpeedy and whoever else, I presume he'll get away with working an AC, since PSI322 isn't reading his posts, and neither is anyone else. As long as he steers clear of Tengu Man no one will ever notice.

---

Post #535, by Dr. Andonuts

Nathan decided to teleport back to Pink Cloud and see what was happening. He hit a button on his laptop and appeared just in time to see Mike get hit. "Thats got to hurt," he thought.

That was quite unnecessary. "That was a totally irrelevant and redundant piece of dialogue," thought the reader.

Seeing that Falcon was using the energies of the Sanuary locations he took out his Sound Stone and used it counter Falcon's earth energies. Nathan then sent out a quick psyic call. [Anyone with a sanuary melody send half of their sound stone to Pink Cloud, quickly. We need the melodies to netualize Falcon's use of them.]

Oh, come on. Even ignoring the ridiculous number of spelling errors, this reads like an experiment to find the most weak-ass effort at opposing Falcon24 theoretically possible. I'll be shocked if Falcon24 uses more than two sentences on disregarding it, and doubly shocked if anyone besides Dr. A ever mentions it again.

Posts #526-530: 23 April 2000

Post #526, by Luna

Luna rolled over from her nap in Peaceful restful vally.

Peaceful Rest Valley. loid is so proud.

"It really IS peaceful and restful here..." Luna sighed to herself, picking up her backpack and heading on towards happy happy village.

I always thought the name 'Peaceful Rest Valley' rather ominous--as in, you will rest peacefully AFTER YOU ARE BRUTALLY MURDERED. Whatever you do, don't f*** with the trees. They're made of napalm.

Suddenly, 5 people dressed head to toe in blue and carrying blue paint cans and brushes jumped in front of her.
"What in the... Happy-Happyiests! AHHHH!!!"

Now what in the blue hell are these guys doing back? It's been at least a year since Carpainter disbanded that cult and every resident of the village agreed it was the dumbest thing since Walter Mondale For President.

Luna screamed, running for her life. She knew she had somewhere around 100 hp and 70 pp since she beat up some mushrooms, but all she knew how to do was teleport, and she knew one or two hits from these crazed blue guys would knock her unconsious.

Really? One or two paint attacks? You're going to take 50-100 HP of damage from paint attacks? What's your Defense rating? -55?

In EarthBound, Ness's Defense rating when he first enters Happy Happy Village (sans Hard Hat) is around 12, and he takes around 10 HP damage from the paint attack. It's quite puny.

"Blue blue! We must catch her and sacrifice her to the blue gods!" one blue guys muttered

I wonder what Luna was smoking right before she wrote this? 'one blue guys muttered'?

"No way! You guys are nuts!" Luna yelled back at them, picking up her run.
Suddenly, she tripped over somthing that reminded her vaguely of an iron octopus, and somthing very heavy hit her on the head. All went black.

On the other hand, Luna has always spelled 'something' without the e. It's just something she does. |Dan| always did that, too.

When Luna woke up, she was in a cell.
"PLEASE let this be some VERY bad dream..." Luna said, and pinched herself. "Owch! Guess not... This is so typical... I suppose I have to send out a PSI call looking for help... but still, this totally stinks! How am I gonna beat the santuary NOW!?"

Luna has officially made herself available for the rescuing. PLEASE GET SAFELY OUT OF THE WAY OF THE NERD RUSH BEFORE YOU GET TRAMPLED TO DEATH. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

By the way, has anyone reading this ever awakened themselves from a dream by pinching themselves? I know I never have. It's never actually occurred to me, while actually dreaming, to try. Usually, when I realize I'm dreaming and decide to voluntarily stop dreaming, I hurl myself in front of a passing truck.

Yes, really.

[This message has been edited by Luna (edited 04-23-2000).]

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Post #527, by Foppy King

"HELLO!" shouted the Foppy King.
"oh yes you can join us." said Tim and Co.
(I am angry for being neglected for the millionth time so now you are stuck with me.)

We continue to be utterly unable to care any less. And you're in for a rude surprise if you think anyone is stuck with you.

If you want someone to pay attention for you, please write some story. This is Foppy King's fifth or sixth post containing demands for attention with no content. That is entirely like too many people I know.

---

Post #528, by Anthadd

"I hate twiddling my thumbs!" Anthadd cried. "Kiyo! Let's get Rainy Circle!"

That's right, ladies: Anthadd is a MAN OF ACTION.

"But has it been destroyed?" kiyo pleaded. "And on a more pressing matter, can we defeat Shrooom!?"
"With our bare hands, no. But with these little weapons-" Anthadd displayed brand spanking new developments in slingshot and yo-yo technology.

Wait. Did Anthadd just use the word 'spanking'?

"What are they?" Kiyo asked.
"The Machinegun Slingshot and the Kamikaze Yo-Yo. You take the Yo-yo. I'm too inept with them."

And I mean, come on, obviously I get the machine gun. You can play with the yo-yo whose name suggests that attacking someone with it will kill you.

. Arming themselves, the two SM.Netters rushed out of the lab, after stocking up on Beef Jerky and Bottles of Water, and into the Rainy Circle Cave.

I guess the bottles of water are just for a dash of realism. No one else to date seems to have thought much of the human need for at least two quarts of water per day or so.

...Meanwhile...
The fight against the Supreme Starman was at a standstill.
No one was landing any serious blows. The low PSI knowledge, if any at all, of the heroes, was hindering their ability to fight.

I'm not sure about the 'low PSI knowledge' thing, Anth. I guess you can slide by with it, as long as you accept that Tim will inevitably apply a non-PSI AC God Mode while PSI322 angsts out mid-battle and Major Asshole makes fun of Tim.

And Supreme Starman had low agility, so they were able to escape his attacks easily.

I'm honestly not sure what agility has to do with firing frickin' laser beams. Anth is just honoring the decades-old D&D tradition that Dex affects your to-hit roll, even if he doesn't know that's what he's doing.

"It's all but hopeless!" Juliana cried.
"Not unless we can break the shield!" Sir exclaimed.

I think you meant unless; I don't think you meant not unless, which is of course a double negative. Normally I wouldn't point out something so nitpicky, but come on, this is Anthadd we're talking about, of course I'm going to gloat over his every grammatical error when he was 12.

"But how?" Tim countered.
"How about with this little Shield Killer?" Osman proposed, dodging a beam.

Sure, man, you can try it if you want, but Shield Killers suck. Even after you finally get it to work, chances are the Super Duper Ultimate Supreme Starman Mark II will just cast PSI Shield and replace it, and then get a couple free turns while you keep fiddling around with that Shield Killer.

---

Post #529, by Tengu Man/Makron

Darth, Diamond Dog, Paula and Mani then were given a signal to leave the cave, just in case the upcoming fight got too hairy.

Diamond said, "I think we need to let them handle this. They'll survive, if not beat him."

Paula and Mani were nervous about leaving Ness and Jeff.

Aww! That's so cute! Little softy Ness and Jeff need their big strong women to pwotect them!

"Are you sure?" asked Paula.

"Really, I don't anything happening to them." Mani replied.

"I know, but we must find out about this ninth melody. We have to get to the lab." Diamond Dog said and used Teleport Gamma[his own teleport] and took them into the labs.

I'm still marveling at how many AC's Tengu is getting away with operating here. I think it's mostly because, right now, nobody except Tengu himself is reading his posts. PSI322 certainly isn't.

*******

"Yes, I know about the ninth scantuary. It's also one of the most rare types, as it isn't powered by the Earth." said Dr. Andonuts.

And I didn't tell Team Ness about it back during the war against Giygas because, you know, I decided, who the f*** cares.

The language 'one of the most rare types' is golden. Tengu is reserving his right to keep cranking out sanctuaries until Team Tengu And Paula 4-Ever is at the 3,281st sanctuary and the Earth crashes into the Sun, if people try to mess up his storyline.

"What... is it?"

"It's powered by a Heavenly energy, and only one with a pure heart can unlock the shining spot.

GEE I WONDER WHO THAT'S GOING TO BE

The enemy there is also a very dreaded being, called the Ginack."

It's got huge, sharp... it can leap about... look at the bones!!!

Darth thought... he had an idea of someone who could unlock it, but who? He couldn't pinpoint who, but he knew it was someone...

(BTW, let me decide the character that can unlock the last santuary, k? You can decide where it's at if you want.)

I can't really promise you anyone's going to read this, so all bets are going to have to be off as to whether your instructions here will be followed. It's not like it's a big damn secret who's THE CHOSEN ONE PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW, anyway.

Tengu is surely smart enough to know he's not allowed to lord this much control in an IF. (He'd be crying bloody murder if someone tried to reserve such future plotting rights away from him, certainly.) He figures his force of personality will suffice to cower everyone else into letting him have his way, as long as he doesn't tweak PSI322 too hard.

[Also, you're free to use Ness and Jeff now at any time.]

Throwing a carrot to entice people to think him reasonable, knowing no one will take control of Ness or Jeff, who the masses regard as boring.

[This message has been edited by Tengu Man/Makron (edited 04-23-2000).]

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Post #530, by Falcon24

Falcon stood there, stunned for a moment. "So...the sanctuaries are powered by the Earth...and cannot be destroyed? Just great.."

Yielding the point to Tengu Man? Suspicious indeed. I haven't read the next paragraph yet, but I will bet heavily it either (a) contains some threat to do something even bigger and badder, like blow up the world or something, or (b) contains some kind of attempt to force the story off the 'Sanctuary' railroad tracks Tengu laid down and get away from the concept altogether. (Or both.)

Falcon backed off from the group, then halted, thinking. A twisted smile grew on his face. "Ahhh...so it is not the power of the sanctuaries I am absorbing..it is the power of the Earth itself!" Falcon looked up. "You fools! I possess even more power than you could imagine! I'm drawing it from the Earth itself...and I share a link with the Earth as well!! Now...SUFFER!!!!"

Looks like (b) is the winner. Mostly.

Falcon waves his hand and a large chunk of rock rips right out of the cavern wall. Falcon sends it hurtling towards the small band of heroes...

Wait. Which small band of heroes is this, again?

Falcon's full-on using the Force now. Darth Tengu should appreciate that.

Also, okay, maybe (b) isn't the winner just yet after all. This looks more like stalling for time, hopefully inducing the 'heroes' to run off a few posts about it, while he decides what direction to go next. Well played, even if he might not have been fully aware of what he was doing.